Tag Archives: emotional mind
30 Jan

Feeling down.  Was feeling productive even good this morning.  Then got two disappointing grades and my mood just plummeted.  Actually thinking of dropping one of the classes.  Emotional me wants to drop out entirely, well out of life- but you get the picture.  My image for so long has been built on my academics, since I’m not able to work.  It’s either that or my mental illness when it prevents me from school. Ugh.

You can call it emotional, I’ll call it wise

18 Jan

I’m overwhelmed.  I did it to myself and I’m not surprised, but I also think I can stick it out and enjoy it while not stressing out what everyone else thinks.  Along with that I ran into some unexpected financial issues because I just realized I spent all my checking account that’s in the bank.  That’s okay because I have money that’s not in the bank; yes, I’m one of these people.  But really how did I spend over $2,000?  Anyways, now this weekend I got to go home to put money in the bank so I can pay my credit card and I was trying not to go home this weekend because I feel like I am drowning at school.  Monday I see the therapist so maybe on the way to the therapist’s office; since I’ll be close to home.  I got so overwhelmed with this financial stuff and how I am just not succeeding at life that I took one of my valium to just go to sleep and not deal with it for awhile, I set my alarm for 4pm.  I had a support group at 5pm.  My psychiatrist would be disappointed in me, maybe the therapist but not my case manager.  I could of took all 4 valium (all I had) or them plus all my other pills (yes I considered it for a quick sec.)  I could of told myself to time for rest like I have in the past and self harmed to have the energy to write the paper that’s due tonight and probably fake okay to the group I never ended up going to.  The weather is super rainy stormy in California; what we need after our years of Drought but I’m not in the mood to get real clothes on and then rain clothes just to go out for 2 hours when I don’t really feel like socializing.  I still didn’t manage crying- the tears are locked somewhere- within the resolute “I can do this, this is nothing” facade.  I imagine I made right the choice, no mater what it was the choice I made, off to do homework.

Abandonment sneaking back in

22 Aug

Honestly, I’m surprised it waited until now.  It’ll less than a month till I’ll be moving out and officially starting UC Davis in the Fall Quarter which means that it is also less than a month until 20 something’s friend will be moving to San Diego.  It’s starting to feel real, I’m starting to get sad, and I’m beginning to get overwhelmed.  It started about a week and a half ago when he went there for a week long program at UCSD.  One of the first days I just kinda lost it, and in front of my mom of all people.  And for some reason I was seeking sympathy from her, talking about barking up the wrong tree and I should know better.  I guess I was desperate.  I tried my DBT skills all week.  I FB messaged him a couple times but he was so busy with workshops and not and I didn’t want to be that person.  After he got back I got a sweet postcard, I wish I had gotten it while he was gone, but since I was wrapped up in emotion mind a couple times I’m not sure it would have helped.  I tried making plans with other friends, but my other blogger friends with BPD probably know how it is they are not 20 somethings friend; and it isn’t the same.  It won’t be the same.  It’s not the end of the world.  But I’m losing my best friend.  I have trouble making friends because of all my other issues and there won’t be anyone else in the world like him.

Making sense

24 Feb

The other night, my mom was blowing me off and I felt unloved and insignificant.  It sent me down, but not into an emotional spiral like it would have in the past.  I was trying to cope with it and the ensuing feeling of loneliness and insignificance.  I texted my sister to see about going over to see her and the dog, but she had a meeting to go to and since I had just been crying and emotional, I didn’t want to go with just her husband and the dog.  20 somethings friend was at the closer college for chemistry club so I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up for ice cream, after club ended.  I was still feeling sorta desperate and even put a status update on my Facebook, even though it was my “lesser” Facebook.

It ended up me and 20 somethings friend met at Baskins and Robbins for ice cream, I had mentioned something about my mom.  I was mostly over it by now, but he said something I perceived as insensitive and invalidating to the effect of your parents don’t owe you anything.  I didn’t want to argue.  I didn’t want it to effect me too much so we quickly changed topics and I tried not to think about it.

But like usual I dwell.  And he often makes similar comments and I know he’s not trying to hurt me feeling or invalidate my experience, that’s just how he is.  At counseling today I mentioned it and my case manager hit it on the head.  He puts things in an intellectual world.  And we could have had an intellectual debate on how technically your parents don’t owe you anything and examples and so on and so forth.  But I was in my emotional state.  And he doesn’t really go there often so when I do say thing and am upset he goes with an intellectual or in DBT term rational mind response and I feel invalidated, because he doesn’t validate those emotions like wise mind would.  I don’t think it’s my place to tell him that and I don’t think he’d take it well either.  But it’s a good realization to have, he’s not insensitive just stuck being rational.

Mind wars

15 Dec

So there is a war going on in my mind today. The stronger louder parts are being criticizing and talking about how no one really likes me. I’m just convenient because I have no life. If I stop trying I will get nothing. They are just being nice and only when they feel like it. Someone’s always before you, you’re nobody’s number one. Everything is changing and you’ll lose what you have. Why bother trying.
I just want someone to comfort me. There has to be people that like me even if they don’t like me as much as I wish they did. Most people have lives, so they can’t be with you 24/7.
I guess it’s the emotional mind battling the wise mind. Funny wise mind couldn’t even show up till someone texted me and fight mode kicked in. I wish life wasn’t such a fight and I could comfort myself.

Emotional mind

11 Dec

I’m in emotional mind right now and my emotions are swinging all over the place. It started with disappointment with dinner plans. Then fear and anxiety with change and abandonment fears. Now I’m angry because one of the facilitators is making statements about last minute group, when I contacted the facilitator twice who was suppose to lead tonight and she just chimed in on the conversation less than two hours from group starting. I’d say I already tried to make sure it was put in place twice but I feel bad for calling out that facilitator on not following through, when she said she would. Oooo… I want to start a fight 😡

Counseling appt 1/15

15 Feb

I had my counseling appointment today.  I’m still flat so I think I seemed okay plus she asked if I was okay and I sort of shrugged.  I mentioned briefly a lot of stuff going on.  I talked about the looking up of suicide methods and such and tried to explain how it is almost a coping skill for me.  She says if it helps, then okay- that surprised me a little.  But I wasn’t lying, it does help and puts it into analytical mode over emotional mode.  She said that tends to be my coping skill, is just overriding emotional responses by analyzes and going into an intellectual mode.  I totally agree.  Sometimes though I can’t over ride it.  Like on Monday with the shaking, and I think part of the reason why is because I couldn’t figure out what triggered it.  I also said how I couldn’t figure out the flashbacks on Wednesday either.  She came up with a reason, and a good one too, now I see how they were related.  My mom has been acting strange with questions and such I’ve mentioned in other posts.  My case manager proposed that maybe I was having the flashback things because of trying to hide my sexuality from my mom.  I think that’s a good correlation and part of it, but I also mentioned how I think my mom is trying to cover up or initiate some drama.  I told my case manager how people tend to take the serious stuff less serious and the less serious stuff seriously.  She asked for examples I explained how looking up suicide stuff would be thought of more of a warning sign when really they should be more concerned about the anxiety (Monday), the flashbacks (Wednesday) and the sleep/mom issues.  I also told her how I told school friend if things don’t improve I’ll likely end up in inpatient in a couple weeks, and how I still hold true to that.  Anyways, I’m flat so I’m not worried about anything right now nor a risk- but if the emotions take over who knows what will happen.  I also dissociated a bit today and don’t know why.

A little longer update

30 Oct

I had an extremely rough weekend, it initiated Friday night, the eye of the storm was Saturday, and I was still feeling the effects Sunday.  Sunday evening things had calmed down a bit and I wrote a few word post saying, I was a little better and less emotional.  I did get my homework done, waking up at 5:45am to finish it off.

So this post will require a little review.  I had posted on Friday about what I got out of that counseling session, and then there were multiple “no title” posts aka Marci’s drowning.  I’m grateful to the responses I got and will explain better what was going on, since I’m not in crisis anymore and also some good things that are happening. 

So if you have been reading my blog lately you know that there has been talk for about a month of bring someone else onto the treatment team, most likely the therapist I saw while my case manager was gone.  You’ve probably also read about my conflicting opinions about this and concerns.  Honestly, majority of it has been intelectual in processing it- a main reason I think was because I knew I had my big Halloween weekend with lil sis when I went to Disneyland.  One positive about being Borderline is the concept of Rational mind, emotional mind, and wise mind.  It is a concept in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) that explains how people can be in a rational state of mind where everything is based on facts and research and very detached from emotions and then there is emotional mind which is pretty much the opposite and that is when a person is so wrapped up in their emotions that they aren’t always thinking rationally.  Wise mind is the blend of the two, and the goal of where to be.  Obviously there are places and times to be in a rational mind or an emotional mind, but people with BPD seem to stay there too long and make poor decisions because of these states and not a mixture of feedback both emotional and rational.  That being said it was probably good for me to be dealing with this new treatment team concept with my rational mind for as long as I did. It kept me from the overwhelming emotional mind that hit Friday night and I’m the type of person who stays in rational mind for longer periods of time, goes to emotional mind, then using my experience in both blend it into a wise mind perspective.  It would be much more effective to blend from the get go but for some reason I’m not very good at that seeming to totally sperate feelings and logic for the most part.  It is good however that I can look back and blend the too later.  Ok so I was mostly thinking before about logistics, when would I have appointments with the therapist and when with my case manager, who would I talk to about which stuff, how would the information transfer between the three of us, who would make decisions about hospitalization, etc.  Some of these things were processed in my blog posts, some in session, some in my head, and also of course all the posible combinmations of these three.  There had been spurts where I was feeling a little bit like I was being transfered around but not in the abandoned, can’t handle me way that hit Friday night.  So Friday I had written a message to both my psychiatrist and my case manager.  The one to the psychitrist was about medication and my recent paranoia, my case manager suggested writting it and not waiting until my next appointment; I mentioned this in my Friday’s Counseling session post.  Shortly after I wrote the mesage to him (psychiatrist) I wrote one to my case manager.  This was what it said:

I don’t think I expressed myself well today and was having difficulty staying present. Here is what I want to get across:I don’t want to go to the hospital everytime I feel like self-harming because I think it will become a crutch that I will overuse because it makes things easy for me without truly having to deal with living in the real world. I’m seriously considering adding the therapist but also need some level of the compassion/connection I feel with you besides a more detached person- and think I may need both to process some things and get opinions. I need to be able to feel comfortable bringing up anything to you and trusting you are pointing me in the right direction as to who to deal with it with. I’m afraid if I start the process and you keep pointing me other places, I’ll get discouraged or hurt and stop working. I will probably need you to be able to at least help me with getting through with whatever until I see the next person. I think that need will diminish with time.

Note: I wrote this before the big emotional breakdown.

Neither my case manager nor my psychiatrist responded to me on Friday.  The website says they have 2 business days, my psychiatrist usually takes awhile to get back to me while my case manager will typically get back to me that day or the next.  The fact that I didn’t hear back from either of them didn’t really bother me.  Later Friday night I was trying to peiece together where this whole idea of bringing in the extra person came from and when.  I’ve been getting fuzzy headed a lot lately and everything blurs.  I went back to some prior messages that had been wrote and noticed that the appointment after where I told her what I was like when she was gone was when it was brought up.  It was also brought up within the month of my last hospitalization, where I lost control in the office before the ambulance came.  Putting those two together was what I figured the reason why.  So it got emotional with her not being able to handle how crazy I really am and me finally opening up and being honest and then she is trying to get me to see someone else.  As I said in the non-tittled posts I was having strong urges to self-harm and even suicidal-er than normal.  It was painful to be awake and I spent a lot of time crying, often to the point of having difficulty breathing and being nauseous.  I knew if I hurt myself it would just be proof that I’m too dependent on her and it’s not safe more me to be this close to her so I couldn’t let that happen.  I did end up self-medicating to deal with a lot of it, but I also even went to the Halloween get together with the high school friends and finished my math homework.

Monday morning at about 9:30am, just after my morning class my cell phone rang with caller ID being “Kaiser incoming psych” I figured it was my case manager since that’s around the time she gets to work and I left a message in tears on Saturday saying I needed to talk to her perferably before Friday.  Surprisingly it was my psychiatrist, he normally writes back unless he can’t understand my messages.  We talked about the Seroquel and I’m upping it to 600mg for a couple weeks and then going to try to go back to 400 or 500mg.  I went home and was anxiously awaiting the phone call from my case manager.  I wasn’t as emotional but still nervous and worked up at about 10:30am I got a message back from her saying:

I think that is a reasonable request: to have me there with what you need to bring up, and be present for you.
You and I will both monitor what you need and how you feel. If the therapist gets on the team then we will make sure you are not left to hurt yourself.
Having said that, hospital can become a crutch and could be the intermediate place for you. You know how acute your condition is, you also know that you might need hospital more than you would like in your life. All these things show how hard you are holding onto yourself.
I do want you to work less at holding yourself together and allow the professionals to see what ails you.
I will call as soon as I find time today. Maybe by the end of the day.
By the way, you express yourself very well, you have clarity and articulation.

When I read the message I calmed down quite a bit although I think she misunderstood what I meant about the transitioning and sometimes using both her and the new therapist.  So I went through my head, notes I wrote, blog posts, and the message I sent her to write down some key points I wanted to talk about.  She never called that day and I still have the note in my pocket.  I’m calm enough now where I can just wait until my Friday appointment to clarify what I meant and bring up the other important things that the 1000 character limit wouldn’t allow me to express.  I also don’t agree with the “want you to work less at holding yourself together” as I think all hell will break lose if I do that and I’ll be hospitalized and not let out.  Also I try to appear as normal as possible and that includes leaving things out even in counseling and hospital settings.

On Monday my math teacher said that he would give our math tests back Tuesday.  This was a stressful day when I had moth a math test and an Italian test on the same day just a day back from getting back from the Disneyland trip.  I mentioned that I did well on the Italian test which was the one that I was worried about.  Late Monday I got a mass email from my math teacher saying the grades had been posted on the online learning site.  I went in and checked my grade 68.5 out of 70, on my last math test I got a 79 out of 80 and only lost a point for something stupid.  This test I figured the 1.5 I lost again was for something stupid and that this particular teacher just didn’t like giving perfect scores.  I got my test back today and sure enough, dumb reasons for points being taken off: a point for not putting = signs inbetween steps where I was simplifying although that was obvious what I was doing and the final answer was correct, and 1/2 point for not putting parentheses around one of my factors (yet again the answer was right) and not puttting the dot that symbolizes I was multiplying although both thing being multiplied were fractions so it was obvious that’s what I did.  Anyways, enough ranting about that.  I guess the class average was a D so on Thursday we are having a “mini test” worth 7 points that he will add to the original exam score, allowing people to improve their grade and I would be able to get above 100% if I got the full 7 points.  Also apparently the class average on the Homework is a D, so from now on all the Monday quizes will be problems directly from the homework due that day.  He hopes it will motivate the class to do the homeowrk and also look at his comments on it.  Which I already do so nothing new for me.  Oh yeah I dropped Chemistry so I’m not so overwhelmed.

Other good news:  I had texted one of the high school girls who was the one who put on the Halloween get together last weekend to see if she wanted to go to the scrapbook expo for a bit with me this weekend.  If you read my blog you know how my social anxiety is and also that I am usually not the initiator.  I saw on facebook that she liked scrapbook expo and thought I’d ask.  Honestly from the old high school group she’s the only one I would really initiate anything one on one with.  She seems genuine and authentic while my other old high school friends not so much, it isn’t that I wouldn’t hang out with them I would just feel awkward in a one-on-one situation.  I still do with her but of course I feel awkward almost anytime I’m in a social situation or need to make conversation or whatever.  Anyways she said “yes” and even asked if I wanted to go to ice cream afterwards.  I’m super stoked since I don’t really have many friends and the people I do hang out with tend to be my sister’s friends except my old boss. 

Also:  My 30th birthday is in 13 days and I’ve been trying to figure out what to do for it.  My sisters (especially lil sis) think I need to do something big and “mature” aparently Disneyland didn’t count.  But as you read in the last section I don’t have many friends that aren’t really their friends in the first place.  So I decided to do a groupon day which would include 6 people, a drive-in movie night with more maybe, family birthday dinner, and going to the ice cream place on my actual birthday.  With the 6 that would be going to groupon day there are schedule conflicts my sister’s sister-in-law is having a baby shower and two of the six that are my sister’s friends have to go try on bridesmaid dresses for a different friend all on Saturday.  So groupon day will be Sunday and be bowling and laster tag; I’m inviting my sister, lil sister, family friend, old boss, another of sister’s friend and me.  Saturday night we’ll do drive-ins assuming the weathers okay and there is something good playing, this I’ll invite me, my sister, lil sis, family friend, another’s sister’s friend (same one going to groupon day), the neighbor, and highschool friend I’m going to the scrapbook expo with, also possible another of sister’s friend- depending how many cars we will be taking.  Family dinner will me mom, me, my sister, lil sis, grandma, and family friend.  I believe my brother-in-law is working and my dad will be out of town.  Then the ice cream place will be probably like 10 or 12 people, lil sis will be home so she’s not coming, I’m not inviting my old boss, and there are a number of my sister’s other friends that I will invite.

DBT Skills and other tid bits from Today

6 Mar

Ok I just had something that annoyed the hell out of me so let me post it first.  Calm down and then talk about what I learned in DBT today.  So I’ve mentioned about my social anxiety and how I don’t have many friends before.  My last few years/months? of high school were rough.  I honestly don’t remember much but I went to independent study, after refusing to go to school my senior year so I take that as evidence there were some problems.  In 2010, I had a Halloween party in an attempt at some kind of peace making/reunion/see what people were up to now.  Also to see if I could handle it.  Most of my old high school friends are “friends” on facebook, so I sort of know what is going on with them.  Some of them started a book club, I like to read so I thought I’d ask to join.  Pretty much read a book a month and then get together the next month to talk about it.  Today the date to meet in March to discus the February book was set.  I was reading the update to my dad, he is always on me about being proactive and making friends and all.  He just made smart remarks that make me not even want to go now, and as often he made me feel like I’m doing the wrong thing.  The date may conflict with a potential Disney trip that I think probably won’t happen.  First thing he mentions is the date conflicting.  Then I talk about where we are meeting, which is a restaurant I go to a lot.  I commented about going there a lot, mostly because I didn’t want it to seem weird when I go in and the servers are calling me by name.  My dad’s response, don’t sound like your bragging.  Sorry dad, I guess I can still never do anything right.

Ok rant over.  I had sign class today and went we are working on translating and signing songs.  Last session school friend didn’t go and I fared pretty well by myself, I was proud of myself.  Today we did a different song she was there.  The point is you are normally about 10 seconds behind the lyrics to translate and you should never sign the lyrics before they are sung out loud.  Most the class was having difficulty with the timing and wanted to sign the words in key with the lyrics and the beat.  I was pretty good about keeping the gap.  School friend even commented on it.  I guess there is a benefit to hearing voices so much.  The non mean ones that just chatter endlessly, I have learned to block out for the most part.  When  signing I could block out what I was hearing (currently) and focus on what was just sang to sign it in the correct time.

Now to my most important part.  DBT Skills Class update.  I did not go to class last week, I was having a terrible day, it was canceled the week before that and the week before that was valentines day and I also didn’t go.  Today the hand out was on “Guidelines for Accepting Reality” it talked about different breathing excercises which I just set aside since it isn’t my thing and doesn’t really work for me.  There was a section called “More on breathing with feelings”, I just took the feeling part and applied it to the area of Emotional Regulation.  Here are the keys then I’ll explain a little more.  So the italics are notes that came from the leader or questions or statements posed by people in the class.  The one’s with the bullets and the bolded words are directly from a sheet from a DBT training manual.  The words emotions and or emotional mind can be interchanged with thoughts or rational mind.  In class we just focused on emotions more since that’s what most people have problems with.

Experience your Emotion

  • As a WAVE, coming and going
  • Try not to BLOCK emotions
  • Try not to SUPPRESS emotions
  • Don’t try to GET RID of emotions
  • Don’t PUSH it away
  • Don’t HOLD ON to it
  • Don’t AMPLIFY it
Emotions will wait and come back at inappropriate times.  The emotion that resurfaces is not always the initial emotion.  This is referring to trying to block, suppress, get rid of, or push away emotions.
The longer you can tolerate the emotions at the peak, the less powerful they will be in the future.
When can you push the emotion away?  You should saty as long as you can with the emotion and then get the skills to stay as long as the emotion lasts.
The waves will come, peak, and then dissipate but they always return later.  
Most time you will only stay at the peaked emotion for 20 minutes or so.

Remember: You are not your emotion

  • Do not necessarily ACT on emotion.  Emotions are real but not reality.
  • Remember times when you have felt DIFFERENTLY.

Practice Accepting your Emotions

  • Don’t JUDGE your emotions
  • Practice WILLINGNESS
  • Radically ACCEPT your Emotion.

Allowing emotions to be, or just experiencing them.

A few other points:

Whatever your goal is you will need to switch behaviors and make choices that will often be a lot of work, so you need to be committed to the goal whatever it is.

Most people have different people they go to when a situation occurs.  Our leader talked about an example of a bad date and how she could call her sister or her friend.  Her sister would be the one who would hold her more accountable, asking what her part was in the situation or why he acted the way he did.  Where her friend would be more of the validating type of person that would side with her and not ask too many questions.  She talked about how she much rather talks to the friend because that will be the response she wants to hear.  I asked about the two different types of people as it seemed she ways saying the ones that hold you accountable are better.  She said you need a balance as with anything.  Sometimes you need to hear that all guys are jerks rather than you did something that pissed him off and he had a right to act the way he did.

Tue DBT Skills Update

25 Oct

I went to DBT Skills class today, it was the first time in over a month.  3 Tuesdays it was canceled and twice I didn’t go.  We talked about Distress Tolerance and Mindfulness, at least that was the topics written on the board.  There were a few examples in class and we mostly talked about Wise Mind.  Intellectually it makes sense to me, but I don’t think to ask myself and it takes a while for me to answer it.  I think I’m so use to be wrapped up in my rational mind (where it is safest) that it’s sometimes hard to integrate the emotional mind.  Then when Emotion mind comes out it’s been ignored so often it just erupts.  I had counseling yesterday and I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.  Counseling we talked a little about opinions and my day ratings. I couldn’t think how to differentiate or explain a 3 to a 5 or 6 day, that’s going to be a new goal; that and to try and keep up with self-care the best I can.  I almost lost it at the end, she noticed and it ended up going over 15 minutes.