Feeling down. Was feeling productive even good this morning. Then got two disappointing grades and my mood just plummeted. Actually thinking of dropping one of the classes. Emotional me wants to drop out entirely, well out of life- but you get the picture. My image for so long has been built on my academics, since I’m not able to work. It’s either that or my mental illness when it prevents me from school. Ugh.
Honestly, I’m surprised it waited until now. It’ll less than a month till I’ll be moving out and officially starting UC Davis in the Fall Quarter which means that it is also less than a month until 20 something’s friend will be moving to San Diego. It’s starting to feel real, I’m starting to get sad, and I’m beginning to get overwhelmed. It started about a week and a half ago when he went there for a week long program at UCSD. One of the first days I just kinda lost it, and in front of my mom of all people. And for some reason I was seeking sympathy from her, talking about barking up the wrong tree and I should know better. I guess I was desperate. I tried my DBT skills all week. I FB messaged him a couple times but he was so busy with workshops and not and I didn’t want to be that person. After he got back I got a sweet postcard, I wish I had gotten it while he was gone, but since I was wrapped up in emotion mind a couple times I’m not sure it would have helped. I tried making plans with other friends, but my other blogger friends with BPD probably know how it is they are not 20 somethings friend; and it isn’t the same. It won’t be the same. It’s not the end of the world. But I’m losing my best friend. I have trouble making friends because of all my other issues and there won’t be anyone else in the world like him.
The other night, my mom was blowing me off and I felt unloved and insignificant. It sent me down, but not into an emotional spiral like it would have in the past. I was trying to cope with it and the ensuing feeling of loneliness and insignificance. I texted my sister to see about going over to see her and the dog, but she had a meeting to go to and since I had just been crying and emotional, I didn’t want to go with just her husband and the dog. 20 somethings friend was at the closer college for chemistry club so I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up for ice cream, after club ended. I was still feeling sorta desperate and even put a status update on my Facebook, even though it was my “lesser” Facebook.
It ended up me and 20 somethings friend met at Baskins and Robbins for ice cream, I had mentioned something about my mom. I was mostly over it by now, but he said something I perceived as insensitive and invalidating to the effect of your parents don’t owe you anything. I didn’t want to argue. I didn’t want it to effect me too much so we quickly changed topics and I tried not to think about it.
But like usual I dwell. And he often makes similar comments and I know he’s not trying to hurt me feeling or invalidate my experience, that’s just how he is. At counseling today I mentioned it and my case manager hit it on the head. He puts things in an intellectual world. And we could have had an intellectual debate on how technically your parents don’t owe you anything and examples and so on and so forth. But I was in my emotional state. And he doesn’t really go there often so when I do say thing and am upset he goes with an intellectual or in DBT term rational mind response and I feel invalidated, because he doesn’t validate those emotions like wise mind would. I don’t think it’s my place to tell him that and I don’t think he’d take it well either. But it’s a good realization to have, he’s not insensitive just stuck being rational.
So there is a war going on in my mind today. The stronger louder parts are being criticizing and talking about how no one really likes me. I’m just convenient because I have no life. If I stop trying I will get nothing. They are just being nice and only when they feel like it. Someone’s always before you, you’re nobody’s number one. Everything is changing and you’ll lose what you have. Why bother trying.
I just want someone to comfort me. There has to be people that like me even if they don’t like me as much as I wish they did. Most people have lives, so they can’t be with you 24/7.
I guess it’s the emotional mind battling the wise mind. Funny wise mind couldn’t even show up till someone texted me and fight mode kicked in. I wish life wasn’t such a fight and I could comfort myself.
I’m in emotional mind right now and my emotions are swinging all over the place. It started with disappointment with dinner plans. Then fear and anxiety with change and abandonment fears. Now I’m angry because one of the facilitators is making statements about last minute group, when I contacted the facilitator twice who was suppose to lead tonight and she just chimed in on the conversation less than two hours from group starting. I’d say I already tried to make sure it was put in place twice but I feel bad for calling out that facilitator on not following through, when she said she would. Oooo… I want to start a fight 😡
I had my counseling appointment today. I’m still flat so I think I seemed okay plus she asked if I was okay and I sort of shrugged. I mentioned briefly a lot of stuff going on. I talked about the looking up of suicide methods and such and tried to explain how it is almost a coping skill for me. She says if it helps, then okay- that surprised me a little. But I wasn’t lying, it does help and puts it into analytical mode over emotional mode. She said that tends to be my coping skill, is just overriding emotional responses by analyzes and going into an intellectual mode. I totally agree. Sometimes though I can’t over ride it. Like on Monday with the shaking, and I think part of the reason why is because I couldn’t figure out what triggered it. I also said how I couldn’t figure out the flashbacks on Wednesday either. She came up with a reason, and a good one too, now I see how they were related. My mom has been acting strange with questions and such I’ve mentioned in other posts. My case manager proposed that maybe I was having the flashback things because of trying to hide my sexuality from my mom. I think that’s a good correlation and part of it, but I also mentioned how I think my mom is trying to cover up or initiate some drama. I told my case manager how people tend to take the serious stuff less serious and the less serious stuff seriously. She asked for examples I explained how looking up suicide stuff would be thought of more of a warning sign when really they should be more concerned about the anxiety (Monday), the flashbacks (Wednesday) and the sleep/mom issues. I also told her how I told school friend if things don’t improve I’ll likely end up in inpatient in a couple weeks, and how I still hold true to that. Anyways, I’m flat so I’m not worried about anything right now nor a risk- but if the emotions take over who knows what will happen. I also dissociated a bit today and don’t know why.
I went to DBT Skills class today, it was the first time in over a month. 3 Tuesdays it was canceled and twice I didn’t go. We talked about Distress Tolerance and Mindfulness, at least that was the topics written on the board. There were a few examples in class and we mostly talked about Wise Mind. Intellectually it makes sense to me, but I don’t think to ask myself and it takes a while for me to answer it. I think I’m so use to be wrapped up in my rational mind (where it is safest) that it’s sometimes hard to integrate the emotional mind. Then when Emotion mind comes out it’s been ignored so often it just erupts. I had counseling yesterday and I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Counseling we talked a little about opinions and my day ratings. I couldn’t think how to differentiate or explain a 3 to a 5 or 6 day, that’s going to be a new goal; that and to try and keep up with self-care the best I can. I almost lost it at the end, she noticed and it ended up going over 15 minutes.