Tag Archives: ECT

The problems lack of memory brings

5 Mar

Today while driving back to my apartment from home, I was crying which is a pretty normal occurrence.  It’s a 40 minute drive, I’m alone and I don’t have to worry about anyone finding me or asking me questions.  As I was crying and thinking about my time here at UC Davis, my transition, and my lack of friends I was wondering if this was what it was like at the private christian college.  Of course I don’t remember!

With everything going on, I’m getting back suicidal again.  I think it might help if I could remember if this is what it was like before, because if it was- I either adjusted, quit, or got through it; because hey I’m here.

Again mostly annoyed by the lack of friends.  Which makes the thought of dying easier when there is no one to live for.  I got the few standard people but they are most distant with my school duties and their current life duties.

Apparently again can’t be ASD because I care about having a friend or two.  Fucking ridiculous.  And these people are suppose to be professionals.  People annoy me to most an extent and I’m picky as hell about friends, but I want a couple.

30 Days of Writing Challenge: Day 18

25 Nov

30 day writing challenge

Day 18: Post 30 facts about yourself.

  1. I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a very pale complexion.
  2. I misspelled complexion on the last post and often misspell words
  3. I got an answer wrong on my linguistics exam because I used the first letter of the word instead of the letter “k” assigned to it, it was a matching exercise.  I do stuff like this often and wonder if I have some kind of learning disability.
  4. I never spelled parents correctly until I started working at the child care.
  5. I have 80+ Electro Convulsive Therapy (shock therapy) in my early 20s
  6. At age 25 I had a surgical device put in that was suppose to help treatment resistant depression, this and the removal of it are the only surgeries I’ve had in my life.
  7. I’m terrible with my oral hygiene yet have the best teeth in my family.
  8. I was born left handed but my mom converted me because she thought being left handed would be harder in a right handed world.
  9. My first suicide attempt was at age 10.
  10. My first psych meds were imipramine and trazadone at age 11.
  11. I have an obsession with collecting things, but I wouldn’t call myself a hoarder.
  12. I was suppose to be a twin, but my twin miscarried.
  13. I have two sisters and to each of them I am their favorite sister.
  14. I repeated the 5th grade and was homeschooled part of 5th grade the first time around.
  15. In 8th grade I was dismissed from PE because I had a tendency to pass out, and had passed out at school.
  16. I tried to drop out of high school my senior year, but ended up finishing on independent study.
  17. I like my toes, I think they’re my favorite part of my body.
  18. I was underweight because of having ulcerative colitis as a child so for awhile I was on steroids.
  19. I have absolutely no memory before age 10, very little from 10-12, 13-15 missing big gaps,15-18 again missing big gaps. 18-25 the worst of it (also the time period when I had the ECT treatments)  My memory is still impacted and I wonder how much is trauma related and how much ECT related.
  20. I had serious treatments for depression including ECT, the VNS surgery, and 25+ medications I had tried before ever being hospitalized.
  21. I’ve been hospitalized probably over 20 times by now.
  22. This year in October was the longest (1 year) I had gone with out being hospitalized in 10 years, and 10 years ago and prior I had never been hospitalized.
  23. I’ve changed my major probably 10 times.
  24. I’ve been to 6 different colleges and how have 182 units but only have an associated degree.
  25. I know 5 languages: Spanish, English, American Sign Language, Italian and some French.
  26. I still live with my parents and have most of my adult life.
  27. Thanksgiving is one of my least favorite holidays; I don’t like turkey and constantly feel the pressure to be grateful.
  28.  My favorite number is 4 and my favorite color is purple.
  29. I sometimes appreciate my psych diagnoses.
  30. I walked a half marathon a few years ago, but hate exercise.  First and last time but I can cross it off my bucket list.

Looking into transferring

11 Sep

and getting very anxious. My top school fasga says has a 5% acceptance rate, the school site not much better says 30%   My number 2 school recommends a GPA or 3.66 or above. My assist (community college grades) are an 3.8 but everything is like a 3.4 or something. I wish I never went to the Christian private university. I wish I could just erase those couple years from my life. Nothing good came out of them. All I remember is even more being forced that homosexuality is a sin, crap. The sexual assault with fiancée. The end of ECT. And feeling like I was in a place where I didn’t belong and few understood me. When I told PK I think I’m gay and she’s never communicated with me since. Which led me further into the closet. Since getting ECT and involved with psych programs an hour and a half from school, I didn’t get good grades. At least not as good as I expect from myself. And looking back their all bull shit classes that won’t even transfer. So mad. How did I let myself get so brainwashed. Why would I go so far for my first love who decides never to speak to me again after I come out. I know parts my BPD symptoms that frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. That lack of a stable identity. Just angry and sad for what for nothing.

Some quirks

11 Sep

That are probably symptoms of mental illness.  (I don’t self diagnosis but have a lot of habits or symptoms of disorders but they don’t interfere with my life, at least I don’t think they do)

  • I only eat out at about 6 restaurants and get on food kicks.  Currently I’m eating a cheese enchilada, all beans, and a flour tortilla about 5 times a week in the last 2 months or so.
  • Most summers all I eat is one specific brand of cereal and ice cream.  This year I’ve nixed the ice cream due to weight gain but the cereal is Life.  Last year it was Life too.  The year before Lucky Charms.  The year before that Kix.  I tend to cycle between the three.  I’ve already had two bowls of life cereal today for breakfast and lunch.
  • I’m clumsy.  I fall a lot often for no reason.  I have terrible balance.  Lots of times I have bruises and things from falling that I don’t really re-call.  I just found out this year that it might have to do with my sensory disorder.
  • I’m really awkward in social setting.  I talk fast and ramble, especially when there is silence.  I can’t stand silence.  I don’t know social rules or norms that good so some stuff I say is completely inappropriate.
  • I don’t wash my hands very often.  Or put lotion or sunscreen on.  I don’t like liquids touching my hands.  Also new realization that relates to my sensory disorder.
  • I used to refuse to take classes in college unless I knew one person in them, so if we had to do group projects I would know someone.  Also incredibly shy and never talk to but one person in the class and only if required.
  • I was suppose to be left handed but my mom changed me when I was little.  I have found left handed written letters I don’t remember due to dissociation.
  • In junior high I told everyone I had multiple personalities, there names were Marci, Darcy, and Birdie.  Little did I know about 15 years later a therapist would suggest dissociative identity disorder.
  • When I use to self harm it would have to be in parallel lines and in odd multiples usually 3-11.
  • I have CDs of Marci Music that are just composed of songs with lyrics that I think relate to my life, I also have a song category here on Facebook.
  • In 7th grade I was voted best attitude on my team, kind of a popularity thing.  I think it was due to me spending my lunch money on candy and soda and giving half of it away.
  • I’ve never tried drugs not even marijuana, there is so much addiction in my family.
  • I’m 32 and still live at home. 😦
  • Since age 19 I’ve been in weekly therapy.  Most my therapists just go over how my week was and it’s like having an outlet and a person to talk to.  Mostly private and expensive
  • I have very strange sleep habits that cycle though.  Currently I sleep in about 2-4 hours blocks that add up to about 8 or 9 hours a day.
  • I’m afraid to make friends because I think they will leave or reject me.  Just recently would I consider myself to have a “best friend”
  • For awhile I thought I was asexual, now I think it’s more greysexual and related to trauma and psych meds.
  • I don’t like my breasts and want a reduction or removed, for while I thought this might be a trans type thing because I think it’s be easier to be a boy.  But now in the community I realize it’s not, I feel like a girl and identify as a girl- not a very girly girl but a girl
  • I went to a private christian university for 2 years, when I was trying to repent and live the “straight” lifestyle.  I was miserable.  The students sucked but the teachers were good.
  • I often have to end sentences with the words “Not that I remember” because of my severe memory issues with trauma and ECT

Love Me Challenge: Day 22

14 Aug


Day 22: What makes you unique?

  • I’m wicked intelligent.
  • I am like no one else in my family
  • I’ve been 6 different colleges
  • I have schizoaffective disorder (one of the rarer mental illnesses)
  • I had ECT treatments before ever being hospitalized
  • Because of my experiences I am super non-jugmental
  • I have lots of weird quirks

To take it’s feet away. 

24 Mar

I read a post yesterday about memory. It was talking about how a lot of memories can’t be fully trusted because most we are remembering as a child. When we re-process we may feel different about the memories and edit small details or content. What the post was trying to show the importance of was to lessen the emotional impact of the memories. And why would you want to know the memories anyways?

I’ve mentioned many times here I don’t have clear memories probably due to the combination of ECT and a chaotic childhood. I want some clarity and some form of closure on past events, specifically childhood. No I don’t want to replay them in my head or have someone to blame. It’s just really important to me and would help me understand some stuff I’m dealing with today. I feel like my memories are cloudy containers of different sizes with arms and feet. I can’t see clearly what’s in the containers and there are multiple. Every now and then they will sneak back into my life and cause havoc. I fight them, get them, under control, tie them up, until they escape again. I wish I could just get rid of their feet. Then I would be in control of when I wanted to access them and when it’s better just put away. 


Protected: It could have been worse, it could have been better. I may never know.

9 Oct

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29 Sep

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28 Sep

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Doubt, memories, trauma, and ECT

22 Mar

I just listened to a podcast on doubt and certainty and it had me thinking about my own life.  I have mentioned on my blog the memory issues I have and that I think they have to do with a combination of trauma and Electro Convulsive Therapy (“shock therapy” here on out referred to as ECT).  I have also mentioned that I feel like I have no evidence for my beliefs of the past and the uncertainty I feel about being exposed as my interpretation of things is wrong or based entirely on falsehood.  This post should explain where some of those fears came from.  Warning this post will probably be long.

I feel like I constantly having to end each phrase or statement I make with the words, “that I remember.”  My memory issues, especially long term, are so strange I am not entirely sure when they originated or why which just makes me doubt things even more.  A quick run down of my memory: 0-7 no memories at all, lived at old house; 7-12 few memories, big life events (episodic) and small odd things, I rely on my sisters for much of what this time of my life was like; 12-15 scattered memories, more of a general feel of how I felt and what was going on at the time, very few episodic memories; 15-18 back to few memories, not really big events or small stuff either, sometimes someone will say something and a memory will click and come back; 18-22 probably the least amount of memories other than the 0-7 age range, when I was having ECT and also the relationship with PK, sexual assault and that relationship, seemingly big events can’t be remembered but I occasionally have flashbacks; 22-current I have memories but think I should be able to recall more considering there was nothing traumatic or ECT going on at this time, it also hasn’t been that long ago.

Reasons I know of for the memory issues and doubt:

  • I have been told repeatedly for as long as I can remember (age 7ish) that I am oversensitive, over think things, and do not have an accurate interpretation or perception of what happens around me.  Most of this has been said by family members and I know some of it is true because of my mental illness.
  • Trauma- having Ulcerative Colitis and Depression (psych issues) as a child; family conflict and mother drinking; being told my sexual attraction to PK was based on my dad sexually abusing me (which unsure if it ever happened) and all the fall out from that; sexual assault and relationship that I started to get my life back on track and forcing myself for the feelings to come to like guys.
  • ECT- Not even sure when I had the treatments, sometime in my early 20’s, 82 treatments over a couple years time period, two separate time periods or “rounds”
  • Being over medicated

The two biggest and hardest issue of the memories are my childhood 0-12 and my relationship with PK and the other stuff that happened from 18-22.  

Starting with childhood, there was trauma in childhood I just do not think it is proportionate to the level of psych issues I have and the memory issues I have.  I was sick a lot and never really told what was wrong with me, my parents were constantly verbally attacking each other and sometimes us kids, my mom would leave with various threats often, my dad would leave and when he was gone my mom would drink.  I have a number of identifiers that mark me as a possible childhood sexual abuse survivor, but I honestly don’t know if that ever happened.  I cannot say conclusively one way or another, yay or nay. The typical culprit blamed is my dad which makes it even harder.  I still live with both my parents and have a strained and odd relationship with both.  I am afraid if it went either way and maybe that is why my brain cannot know at this time, they say your brain will protect you from what you can’t handle.  

Evidence for: I have been convinced at times that things have happened, but then can’t remember exactly what convinced me or what I was even convinced of.  I dissociate which has been suggested because of traumatic events, I have sexual issues see post here (password protected must ask for password if not already given) and other identifiers that I don’t even want to go into.  Also many people, especially females, diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are said to have had childhood sexual abuse.  My homosexuality has been blamed on being abused as a child, although people don’t mention the sexual assault having anything to do with it.  Family members have even blamed or implied certain people could have been the perpetrator as well as mental health professionals

Evidence against: I live with both my parents and feel safe in the house.  Everyone thinks my dad is a great guy and there is no way he could have done something like that.  I have no physical evidence and if it had happened either no one knows or no one has stepped forward with any information.  I’ve lived with my family all my life, CPS was never called, and to those who look in we have a happy family.  Even if it was someone outside the family, no one knows anything concrete.  My flashbacks are unclear and could be related to the sexual assault and relationship in my early 20’s.  My sexuality has nothing to do with abuse in my opinion or the assault even.  Not all people with BPD were sexually abused.  ECT just knocked out a lot of memories including childhood ones.

My relationship with PK and the other stuff that happened from 18-22 including the ECT treatments and the sexual assault within the relationship.  

It infuriates me at times that I don’t remember much of me and PK’s relationship, every now and then I will have a memory come back or be triggered by something.  I am talking about mostly positive memories here, all type of memories can be triggered by pictures, phrases, objects, and more.  While I was still dealing with mental illness no doubt, that first love was a very positive impact on my life and something I would like to have a recollection of.  In addition after PK’s mom found out about our relationship, she started doing pastoral counseling to explain the feelings were from my dad sexually abusing me as a child.  As you can see above there is conflicting evidence but the fact that there is stuff “for” and that at that time in my like PK was so important to me that I would be willing to do anything if I had a chance to still be around her.  We did try to salvage a friendship and part of that (I believe) was contingent on the abuse idea being true.

There is overlap I think between the ending of me and PK’s relationship and the ECT treatments.  The number one side effect of ECT is memory loss.  It is no surprise that I can’t remember aspects around the time I was having the treatments.  However, it is rarer to have retrograde amnesia or to forget prior events and even rarer to not be able to remember events after the ECT treatments have stopped and it has been years, kind of like short term memory loss that becomes a constant side effect.  Also, me and PK began our relationship before the ECT began and attempted to continue the friendship after.  I was also on a lot of medication at the time.

I am mostly okay with not having a lot of memories of the sexual assault, as one might imagine.  The thing was that we were in a relationship and even engaged.  It wasn’t a one time event with a stranger I didn’t know, and true fact 3 out of 4 sexual assaults are done by someone the person kNOws.  But I do not remember the relationship at all.  There are a couple small episodic events and then actual flashbacks from the assault.  However, I don’t know how we got engaged; I am not sure how the relationship ended up ending; I don’t remember very much about the man other than a brief physical description and name; and again we were together at least a couple years and I don’t even have a general feel how that went.  I also may have been getting ECT treatments still while we were together.  (As you can tell ECT is an overlapping factor and no way I got 82 treatments in a short time frame.)

There are many other things that happened during this time period that I should be able to remember like: transferring to the private Christian university, my involvement at various different churches, a trip to Australia and a lot of other vacations, an engagement and at least couple year long relationship, a job as a preschool assistant I never knew I had until recently, a medical emergency that landed me in the ER, a missions trip to Hawaii with private Christian university, all the events and milestones of me and PK’s relationship…. and the list could go on.  This is stuff I have physical evidence for or believe someone who told me.

And because of 18 of my 31 years of life, which is over half is very sketchy I feel like I doubt myself all the time.  I can’t be certain of things and my paranoia definitely doesn’t help.  And it isn’t like everything is crystal clear except those two time periods, there is a lot of blurriness all throughout.  Maybe that means I don’t have a good memory and never have.  Maybe it means I just can’t cope with various trauma and day to day life.  Maybe it means the ECT screwed me up more than I thought it ever would.  I can’t imagine this is how most people live their lives.