Feeling down. Was feeling productive even good this morning. Then got two disappointing grades and my mood just plummeted. Actually thinking of dropping one of the classes. Emotional me wants to drop out entirely, well out of life- but you get the picture. My image for so long has been built on my academics, since I’m not able to work. It’s either that or my mental illness when it prevents me from school. Ugh.
Dropping quick. First time serious urge to self-harm since at least a month. Not counting saturday that was different. Why do I bother with this life.
I’m starting to drop mood wise. As I said earlier I’m tired with not much energy but I don’t want to lay in bed and worry. I’ve been playing Farmville for the last 1/2 hour or so, it doesn’t take much energy but isn’t that interesting either. I wrote my grandma an e-mail saying no cards today. Now my mom comes in here and tells me I need to pick up everything that is in the kitchen. Mainly being my legos and some journal stuff I was working on. I can clean up the journal stuff because that is rather easy to get back out but the legos take 1/2 hour just to get out and sort. What annoys me even further is when lil sis comes down for the weekend she trashes the house. Her stuff is everywhere all over the floor, because she sleeps on the couch in the front room. She leaves her garbage everywhere and no one says anything, I guess if they did she wouldn’t do anything anyways because that’s the way she is but it’s frustrating. My legos are something I do that helps me tune out whatevers going on inside and a good coping skill but I rarely do them since it takes so much energy to get them out and organize them. Then to top it off, I’m going to my room to put some of the journal stuff away and my mom calls me from her bedroom to go outside and tell my dad that she wants to talk to him.