Tag Archives: DPchallenge

Worlds colliding: Young and Old

12 Jun


I often refer to myself in “kid mode,” sometimes I honestly feel like a 5 year old trapped in a 31 year old’s body.  The professionals call this “regressing” and I’ve even had my own questions about it in regards to the level I can dissociate at sometimes while in “kid mode.”  But there are a lot of good things about being a kid; they are honest, innocent, playful, full of life and vitality, easily amused and entertained just to name a few.  Some problems while in kid mode are my lack of maturity, vulnerability, insecurity, and being very fearful.  Most the times the kid mode version of me and whatever version of me is “normal” (haha) coexist.  I’ve learned give and take and that while I may feel like screaming and crying and pounding on the floor, it is not likely going to get me what I want and I will most likely get some strange looks.

Being in kid mode while being forced to act like an adult. (Negative)

Sometimes the emotions and stuff that come with childhood become so overwhelming that I feel like I’m a kid again.  My voice gets lower and sounds different (when I talk), I lose what little confidence I have, and I am very very afraid.  It’s hard to keep that together and present as a mature adult when I want to go hide in a corner.  Usually there is something that triggers the switch…  I usually try to keep the adult in charge.  I use to just squash the kid trying to get her to go away or be quiet.  That wasn’t helpful at all and made things worse.  I remember knowing you don’t scream “shut up” at crying kids but being being so overwhelmed and not knowing what else to do.  The in-congruence of acting not how you feel is the worst part of these worlds/mes colliding.  Wanting to cry and grab Tigger while smiling and pretending everything is okay.  Just nodding because you can’t think of an appropriate “adult” response.  And sometimes having to get away because you can only act grown up for so long.

Being in kid mode while being around other kids (Positive)

I have talked about my work at the childcare center and one of my favorite things about that job was just being able to act like a kid sometimes.  Getting to their level, giggling about silly things like glitter being “pixie dust” or the engulfment in made up stories and make believe.  Being able to run and play kickball, with 7 year olds and keep up.  My kids feeling like they could talk to me about the mundane or serious because we were on the same level.  Being able to truly explain to older kids how things feel in older kids terms with the experience of the younger kids emotions.  Just the fun and life I felt.  Not feeling like the “teacher” but more like an equal at times.  Sharing joys and sorrows and feeling like I could be myself.  Even at work though kid mode couldn’t rule all the time, I had to interact with co-workers and parents but having the outlet to be kid mode so often didn’t make it seem like so much work when switching into a mature grown up role that feels so unnatural.

30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge- Master List

24 Sep

I decided to start this challenge first of all to help my readers learn more things specifically related to my mental illnesses.  My fellow bloggers are welcome to participate in any or all of the challenge prompts.  I I hope this will raise some awareness and give you insight to mental illness.  Here is the image to go with the challenge:

MIA challenge

Continue reading

Weekly Writing Challenge: A Pinch of You

25 Jul

This Week’s Weekly Writing Challenge: A recipe for me

purple-recipe-card (1)

Recipe Card templates www.razzledazzlerecipes.com

Weekly Writing Challenge: Using forms creatively

20 May

**Newly edited after I received another response to my form, editing will be in blue**

This week’s weekly writing challenge was to prepare a post using the forms feature and to then do a post that in some way relates to the information you gathered from the form.  My post to the forms was Let Me Know Your Experiences.  It was regarding mental health experiences, unfortunately there were only 5 responses   If you’d like to fill it out it is still up and I would really like to hear your experiences, and could add them to this post to give a wider representation.

The questions regarded your experience with mental illness, mainly in regards to your opinions on treatment and diagnosis.  Also with a question on your experiences with others, which could have related to employment, family, friends, professionals.

Forms Results

I had one response who had a family member with mental illness.

I had three (four) responses that said I have a mental illness.

And one response that said both I have a mental illness and a family member or friend does.

The mental illness represented were: Schizoaffective disorder, PTSD (2), Dissociative Identity Disorder, Depression (2), Anxiety Disorder (2), Social anxiety disorder (2),and  Borderline Personality Disorder (2), possible Bipolar II, Bipolar II with psychosis, and gender identity disorder.  Remember that some people have more than one diagnosis or have friends and/or family members that have more than one diagnosis.

The opinions regarding diagnosis were: Psychiatrist sometimes are quick to diagnosis and early diagnosis sometimes results in inaccurate diagnosis.  Also that there are inexperienced psychiatrists that allow people to fall through the cracks.  Some mental illnesses are more permanent and therefore stigmatizing.  Torn feelings between having a more permanent long standing mental illness but also being relieved when treatment for that illness brought relief.  Feeling that categorizing mental illness isn’t that important, as long as things are working.  Not always agreeing with diagnosis.  Multiple professionals who treat you having differing opinions on diagnosis.  Difficulty getting second opinions.  When being diagnosed, the patient should be told the diagnosis and all treatment options.

Midnightdemons: I think it is just a category to get your insurance to pay for services.

The opinions regarding treatment were: Concern that a family member was not taking medication.  Medication is used too much and too often (2), but some people need it for treatment.  That I would have started treatment earlier. More focus on therapy.  That treatment helps but you also need to do things yourself.  Finding coping strategies is sometimes difficult but as time passes you learn them through experience.

Anxietyadventures: “It’s really hard. I thought it would get less hard over time but it hasn’t – I guess because as I reveal more layers as time passes.”

Mylifewithbpd: “I am on medication alone and I do not think its an appropriate treatment at all.”

Experience with others: People are mostly supportive, especially if they have a similar diagnosis (2).

Anxietyadventures: “I’ve shared my issues with a few friends and my brother, all of whom have been amazingly supportive. They periodically check in, ask good questions and are unquestionably supportive.”

My thoughts

I was disappointed by the number of people who filled in the form.  I was looking for a larger number of people’s opinions, whether they had experience personally, through others, or worked in the field.  I was hoping also to see if there were patterns of answers in accordance with diagnosis.

I was not surprised by the mental illnesses that were represented.  I personally am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and borderline personality disorder currently, but have been diagnosed with many of the illnesses that were listed or have been told I have traits of them.  I also try to gear my blog towards mental illness in general, with information and resources on many different illnesses, so I know I have a variety of followers.

The thoughts on diagnosis are some experiences I have had myself and some ideas that are new to me.  I think early diagnosis can easily equal misdiagnosis.  I wish instead that the field of psychology instead used a working diagnosis model.  As in this is that it appears the diagnosis is but we need to watch it over time and see if it needs to be changed or other diagnosis added.  Also over time some diagnosis may not be applicable but some doctors don’t see patients for more than 15 minutes ever 3-6 months.  I don’t think necessarily people fall through the cracks because of inexperienced psychiatrists but more so because they don’t seek treatment because of stigma or the treatment received is by a non specialist or a person who sees you for a short period of time, like in an acute inpatient hospitalization.  This causes people to be misdiagnosed, not properly treated, or sometimes never refereed to proper specialist or extended treatment.  I’ve also not been told my diagnosis before and been given treatment and not explained what for.  I also feel torn with my diagnosis.  Sometimes they seem “too serious” like why couldn’t I get an illness that is easier to manage or is typically short term whether resolved by medication, therapy, or just with time.

The opinions on treatment are many that I have heard others have or have had myself.  It is my opinion as well as others that medication in used too much, too soon, or too often.  This can be in the case of only being offered medication for treatment, as mylifewithbpd states.  Being prescribed too much medication, at one point I was on 11 separate medications and over 20 pills a day.  I also believe that medication is needed for some things, I know I couldn’t do without it; and I sympathize with family members or friends of someone who has a serious mental illness that needs medication but doesn’t take it consistently or as prescribed.  As regards to therapy:  I have been in weekly therapy since my early 20’s but most was seeing a private therapist and paying about $100 a week.  My health insurance plan would not provide me with weekly therapy until I had been hospitalized multiple times.  Many insurance plans do not cover therapy, and if they do there is a waiting list or a maximum amount of visits you can have.  I think this is detrimental because therapy can help people heal faster and learn skills whether they need adjunct treatment with medication or not.  In my opinion therapy needs to be as important and in some cases more important than medication.

The opinions on experiences with other were few, only 2 (3) of the 5 (6) gave this information.  Both (All) said people have been supportive with manyofus adding that especially “people with mental illnesses like mine.”  I’ve had both negative and positive experiences with others regarding my mental illness.  Few know because of the stigma and stereotypes surrounding mental illness and also because of me having bad experience with people in the past.

Weekly Writing Challenge: A Manner of Speaking

5 May

I am fascinated by language.  I know English, Spanish, American Sign Language, and am learning Italian.  Other than English which is my native language, I have learned the other language through education systems.  Which means proper grammar and vocabulary.  As I have become proficient in my new learned languages when having interactions with native speaker/signers I have learned slang terms and signs.  And of course with English there is plenty of slang as well.

I plan on also learning French, Greek, Latin, and possibly German in the future.  My reasons for learning each language have been diverse.

I learned Spanish in high school.  I began it since it was a requirement to graduate, you had to take 2 years and we only had Spanish and French to choose from.  I continued past the required two years because I enjoyed learning it and began to find it quite useful.  Both my sisters learned it as well and we would talk about my parents and other things we didn’t want them to understand in Spanish.  I have family friends, co-workers, children and parents of the children I worked with in child care that had limited understanding of English so my Spanish was useful in those settings.  With these native speakers is where I picked up most of my slang and realized different people had different dialects, accents, and slang terms.  Another benefit of understanding Spanish, both educationally taught and experience gained with native speakers, is when I travel to Mexico- which is quite a bit, I understand what is going on around me, sometimes I translate for my parents.  My parents (especially my dad) tend to use Spanglish to communicate, which works okay here in the United States but not so well in Mexico.  My dad just says to add “el” to the front and “o” to the end.  Table would become “el tableo”, book would be “el booko”, and so on.  He also uses few words he learns to try and make direct translations, which doesn’t really work in any language- an example of this is high school, which he would translate as “arriba escuela” which direct translation means “on top school.”  He uses words he kind of knows to make up phrases.  By the way, high school is translated as escuela secundaria.  “Flaco” is more of a slang term for skinny, while I learned “delgado” as thin.  Most people who understand Spanish will know both terms and likely understand what you are saying.

I began learning American Sign Language (here on out, abbreviated as ASL) when I was in college.  I had an experience while in an inpatient hospitalization (mental hospitalization) when another patient only knew ASL.  He could not communicate with anyone unless his interpreter was there, and the facility only employs the interpreters during scheduled groups ran by hospital staff.  I felt terrible, being in a hospital is bad enough especially if it is your first time, you feel alone and don’t understand how everything works, and then on top of that not being able to interact or communicate with any other patients.  The next semester I signed up for an ASL class.  ASL has a number of variations like any language; there is lazy sign, pidgin sign (PS), Signed Exact English (SEE), and many other variations.  ASL has a grammar structure and large vocabulary, unlike other languages though facial expression and body movement are key components to understanding the language.  Lazy sign is a form of slang used by many native Deaf persons, or people who have been Deaf most of their lives- these include small variations to signs to allow them to be produced faster and with less complexity.  Pidgin Sign is usually more of a gesturing version and is often used at home when there are hearing parents and deaf children who are trying to communicate.  SEE is a version of sign language that is taught in the school system, it is used to teach English grammar- an example of this is there are signs for “the” and “and” which have no equivalent in ASL.  There are also signs for punctuation marks, this SEE sign is used to help children understand English grammar to help with reading and writing in English.   Usually in high school, the students will learn ASL.  Another form is “baby sign” these are simpler signs that can be performed by small children, they require less motor skills than some of the equivalent ASL signs.  Baby sign is currently being taught to both deaf and hearing children since it has been shown to expedite reading skills, comprehension, and communication before some young children’s speaking language skills come into play.

Italian.  I am currently in my second semester of Italian.  My initial reason for learning it was to travel to Italy and be able to communicate.  I had actually bought the Rosseta Stone Italian a couple years before I started taking the classes.  I have kept up with learning Italian because I find learning languages requires a concentration that is pretty good at blocking my voices out.  Italian has similarities to Spanish which have pros and cons.  My instructor gets frustrated when people pronounce Italian words with Spanish pronunciation.  The pros of knowing Spanish first were that verbs are similarly conjugated and there are many concepts that are similar such as terms having a masculine or feminine form.

Here are some funny phrases in the different languages.  Including a youtube video, with signing in a Pidgin Sign by using gestures to mean terms.


Cielo a pecorelle- the clouds look like sheep/fuzzy

Acqua a catinelle- Water comes down in buckets

I panni sporchi si lavano in casa- You wash your dirty clothes in your house (Italian proverb similar to English “Not airing your dirty laundry”)

Weekly Writing Challenege

23 Apr

Does watching violence in movies lead to real life violence?

Yes, violence begets violence, fictional or otherwise.
No, film violence is a scapegoat for deeper social issues.
Maybe, but crazy people will always find something to inspire them.
This weeks WordPress Weekly Writing Challenge is about violence in movies and it being connected to violent acts in real life.  When asking you about your opinion it gives an excerpt of …
However you feel about violence in movies, or however strong the emotions you might have in connection to real world violent tragedies, take a moment to think about whether you believe one to be related to the other. Would famous killers have been inspired to their horrific deeds if cinema never existed? Yes, say some. Mark Chapman, who shot John Lennon, claimed to have been inspired by Catcher in the Rye, for instance. A book not known for its violence. No, say others. Sometimes all an unbalanced person needs is a final nudge in the wrong direction from grizzly images that appeal to the baser part of themselves. Maybe, say a third camp, but if we try to protect ourselves from everything that might possibly inspire a psychopath to action, we’ll quickly find ourselves living in a police state.
I’m actually going to do my response on violence in the media in general: television shows, movies, video games, and news coverage.
  • I think for the majority of violent crimes they are not caused by an influence from media violence.  I believe a lot of violence is committed in impulsive moments or acts of revenge that are planned out.
  • However, and I think this applies specifically to the younger generation, media violence does influence some violent acts.  I think children, teenagers, and young adults get ideas from violence in the media.  Sometimes you will hear after a news story that the perpetrators were doing a “copy cat” crime.  I’ve read news articles where teenagers refer going “columbine” on people, referring to the columbine school shooting.  Also some of the acts of revenge, get ideas from past media coverage which is evident in school shootings- where the perpetrators dress in a similar fashion and other “copy cat” identifiers that don’t have to do directly with the crime.

In the wake of the shootings in Littleton, the nation’s schools were under attack by copycats. Some 400 related incidents were reported in the month following the killing….

Little did the media notice or comment on the fact that school shootings had decreased so precipitously when they weren’t reporting on them….  Link to the Copy cat effect

  • Many television shows and video games have violence in them, I think this in a way desensitizes some people to what actual violence is especially children.  I think being exposed to violence so often that kids who are killing people graphically in a video game may not grasp that killing people in real life has consequences and is very different.
  • I believe that media violence is also blamed for violence that it is not related to.  I think when society does not have an answer for a violent crime, they are looking for answers to give them some sort of closure.  You hear about this in investigations, such as the Newtown Connecticut shooting.

Warrants released Thursday provide the most insight to date on the world of the 20-year-old gunman, a recluse       who played violent video games in the Newtown home where he lived with his mother.  Link to news article

  • Also, some people who commit violent crimes blame the media violence while trying to portray themselves as not responsible and the influence of the violent media caused something they never otherwise would have thought about.  I see this just an excuse, personally.

Weekly Writing Challenge

4 Feb
Do you prefer digital books or paperbacks?
  • ebooks — you can get new books in a flash and bring multiple reads with you everywhere you go.
  • Paperback — nothing beats opening up a brand new book or rummaging through a bookstore
  • Hardback— now that’s where you hear the spine crack and they look so good on the shelf.
                  Yes, I added another option to this weeks weekly writing challenge and poll.  I do not really read paperback so that was an easy elimination.  Now the hard choice was between ebooks or hardback.  I purchased an iPad about a year and a half ago and started experimenting with the iBooks app.  I liked that I could highlight passages that interested me and go to the contents to flip at any point to those highlighted section.  I liked the selection and the prices also.  It is nice to have only to carry a small iPad rather than some hefty books on vacation, plus it saves room in the luggage.  (I usually read at least 3 books on vacation.)  The downside to ebooks was the inability to sync across devices, which has just been fixed.  I also tend to accidently flip through more page than one when swiping to “turn the page.”  Also most eBooks tend to not have illustrations or they just aren’t the same as paperback and/or hardcover books.