Tag Archives: dissociating

dissociating

22 May

So I’ve been dissociating a lot I know this. The reasons have been various but there are 3 major: ptsd flashback symptoms, self harm urges, strong suicidal ideation. I can’t or choose not to cope with these three things so I go into an auto pilot mode that doesn’t take very good care of me and when switching back and forth between things there’s been memory issues. There is so much fogginess and such that I can’t remember things like where I parked my car, what time/day it is, if I ate, if I took my meds. I’m not able to concentrate well, I’m apathetic and don’t seem to care much about what’s going on. Unless I get to close to the issues, then I panic and dissociate.

The reason I’m dissociating with the PTSD. Well there is the whole fact that it is/was sexual assault and that’s enough to trigger ptsd anyways. But in addition it was my first time having sex. And I was having forced sex with a guy when I had no sexual feelings for guys so it made it that much worse.

The reason I’m dissociating with the self harm urges and severe suicidal ideation. I’m afraid of what I’ll do. I feel out of control for the first time in awhile. I think part of it is along with the lack of control with sex in the PTSD. But if I check out and dissociate the feelings go away and urges go away too, plus I feel like nothing serious will happen while I’m dissociated. She’s just kind of passive and there.

I’m okay now

11 Mar

I’m doing okay now.  Really good actually, the best I’ve ever done in my life.  But since the majority of my life I have not done well I always have this feeling that something bad is going to happen or some kind of dread.  Right now it’s a fear/curiosity and those two often don’t go well together.

One of my official diagnoses is PTSD, and I take Prazosin for night terrors.  I’ve started going to a support group in anticipation of leading one in a few weeks and a member was talking about blacking out and night terrors and PTSD related things.  I asked her if she’d tried Prazosin and there was a short conversation.  But it reminds me of how I can relate to so many people.  It reminds me of blacking out and forgetting things I have done.  It reminds me of the dissociating.  And with my PTSD, I’m not completely aware what the trauma is.

In my experience things that aren’t solved always come back