Tag Archives: different

At different rates

18 Oct

I feel like some people I know come out as transgender and then transition so fast: get on hormones, legally change their name and gender, it’s just so fast.  With me it’s been a year already and I’m not even on testosterone yet.  I will be in less than month probably but I feel left behind or maybe not as legitimate.  I’m also not ready to legally change my name and gender, my whole family doesn’t even know I go by a different name yet.  I don’t correct people who call me by my birth name that knew me before.  It makes me second guess if this is all real.  But on the other hand I know it’s real because the dysphoria is getting more intense and while I don’t push my name and gender on people it makes me happy when people get it right, even if it’s sort of wrong.  Like in class the other day, a classmate gave me a paper with the wrong name on it, but it was a male name.  It’s just kinda frustrating transitioning at an older age, getting your BA at an older age, moving out from your parents at an older age.  I feel like I’m behind on everything but I just got to remember we all do things at different rates.

Different Priorities

16 Nov

I’m a different kind of person so I guess it would make sense that I have different kind of priorities.  I feel like an outsider so much.  All I really want is for someone to care about me.  I guess that’s what everyone wants it just shows up in different forms for different people.  So what does it mean to me?  I mean it’s different for each person and relationship.  I feel like right now I have three people who care for me in the closest way that I want and I care about them and my relationship with each is different.  I’ve always been the giver and that is just my personality- it’s hard with my case manager because it is suppose to be a professional client-patient relationship.  So with that all I can give is my honesty and being myself which she seems to like.  She listens to me and I know I’m important because she always calls or messages me back quickly and of course she has said it.  People saying I am important to them doesn’t mean I take it, usually it doesn’t mean much to me because the way they show they care isn’t enough or isn’t the way I want it.  With my sister, she’s been through all the ups and downs of my life- she tries to be there as much as she can and she always seems to try and cheer me on.  I mostly make my sister things to show I care or try to surprise her with little things I know she likes.  The third person is 20 something’s friend and I just feel a connection with him that I haven’t felt with anyone else for a long time.  I think it’s probably one of the few real friendships I’ve had where people know most of the extent of my issues.  I sometimes don’t know what to do to show I care because I don’t want to come on too strong or extreme.  So when I think of things, I really try to think it through.

What brought it on this time?

14 Jul

I’ve always been frustrated and feel like I got a raw deal because I’ve never really had a normal life. The average person is not this sad and hopeless. The average person doesn’t go long periods of time feeling nothing and numb just void. The average person doesn’t hear voices. The average person doesn’t self harm and isn’t as suicidal as I am. The average person can handle stress, relationships, friends, and responsibilities. The average person doesn’t need the mental health system to save them or protect them from themselves. The average person doesn’t hate themselves this much. There’s not so much split. The average person does not feel this alone. And these are things that have been and are pretty constant in my life.
Being dependent on other people.
Feeling so alone and different.
Not being able to work, difficulties staying out of the hospital.
The dual desire to live and die, fighting it out everyday.
Not being able to sustain relationships.

Specifics of this time:
*some voices gone, hope but fear and expectations.
*realization some of this illness is just me.
*realization with some symptoms gone life is still real hard.
*new found sexuality and possibilities of relationships and how much work it’ll take.
*realization of how much time and opportunities I’ve lost from bring mentally ill.
*finally having friends and in my opinion with one connecting piece that may weaken soon
*sister less available
*everyone moves on/ahead but me

The voices are horrible, what to do

5 Dec

My voices are horrible right now.  They started bad on Sunday night then again on Monday night.  Today is the first day they have been going on during the day.  I didn’t go to class on Monday because of it and thinking about not going to class today and taking Seroquel.  The voices are taunting me, they say that people are just being nice that they have to be.  No one really likes me, it’s just hard to uninvite people.  She’s weird, we don’t like her.  Monday night it was the fat and weight comments, today it’s about ending treatment.  “There’s nothing I can do for you” you mean there is nothing you want to do for me.  I must do everything on my own and I’m not doing a good job.  You don’t care, I’m just difficult.  Why am I even seeing you?  The voices say cancel the appointment, not ready to do that just yet.  Somethings that help other people make me worse, why can’t you understand it? Appreciate all the work I’m doing, so you don’t look bad.  I could just be difficult, be self harming, always at the hospital, not compliant with my meds.  I make your life easy and I get nothing.  Fuck this.  Just go away, disappear.  This will be the easiest time, everyone so preoccupied with their selves.  No one will even notice, you won’t even have to make excuses.  No one care, everyone just pretending to laugh behind your back.  Do it, it will be better for everyone else.

*written yesterday, I didn’t go to class

Mad Pride? Gay Pride? Identity…

16 Oct

I am working on writing my story for my intro to LGBT Studies class.  The story will be read by me (eek) on Nov 29th, so I have a bit of time. The main topic of the day is identity.  My story intertwines mental illness and sexuality so I thought it would best fit in that day.

I have mentioned on my blog in the past about mad pride and gay pride.  I’ve done a few posts on identity.  I mention on my about page and through out my blog about my sexuality and living with mental illness.  Yet, I’m not sure if I’ve ever talked about how they intertwine.

I’ve always wanted to “fit in” to be “normal” or sometimes just to blend in.  A fellow blogger wrote that most people spend their lives wanting to stand out and all I ever wanted to do was blend in.  That resonates with me. A lot.

I think part of it is not knowing where I belong.  Fitting in, being “normal,” even blending in give an image of being surrounded by people, even if blending in can imply just being surrounded by people in the physical sense.

I’ve had many aspects about me that cause me to stand out or at least be left out.  I was sick at a young age, missed a lot of school, and even took medicine at school.  I’ve always been smart which usually means being teased as well- except when you get to high school and everyone wants to be your friend so you can help them cheat 😉  I’ve dealt with mental illness from a young age as well; which has caused me to isolate and feel “different” and “alone.”  I never had many friends in elementary school, but figured out the social scene in junior high and high school.  I never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend for that matter) or even a crush throughout all my years of schooling.  I had a chaotic home life that only me and my sisters really knew about.

Everything about me was “different” why couldn’t I be “normal” or at least average: healthy, good student but not stand out, happy, lots of friends, a cute boyfriend, a normal family.

My mental illness has been the biggest struggle in my life.  It has been with me since I can remember (age 10) and is constant. Many days I spend just trying to survive and there is no room in my life for the normal things: maintaining friendships, a job, a degree, a romantic relationship, steady or regular attendance to anything except school most times.  Without the energy to maintain these normal things, I feel alone whether figuratively or physically.

I am not like most people.  I hear voices and have mood swings.  I fall into depressions that cause me to stay in bed for weeks. I’ve lost friends due to my lack of energy and motivation to keep contact.  I’ve also lost friends because many people don’t understand mental illness and don’t want to be around someone who deals with it.  I use to self harm and fear people leaving or judging me so I don’t get close to many people.  I’ve had over a dozen inpatient hospitalizations.  I feel an emptiness and loneliness I can’t even express.  And for years I hid my mental illness as best as I could, only recently have I been open with it and only to select audiences.

My struggle with accepting my sexuality is probably the second biggest thing in my life.  And sometimes I think it only takes 2nd because it only became an issue when I was 18 years old or because it is intertwined with the mental illness.  I’ve only had 3 intimate relationships in my life.  Like I mentioned earlier struggling with mental illness effects all areas of your life.   I wondered what was up with my friends having crushes and gushing about boys all day.  I also had no interest in sex, which was odd for a teenager.

I met my first girlfriend as a senior in high school, when I was deep in a depression and not attending school because of it.  We were friends at first and she was the daughter of a pastor.  I started attending church with her and finally felt like I found myth niche.  I helped teach Sunday school, went to church and bible study, and read my bible daily.  I found a new faith and the relationship was one of the few things that made me happy.   Months after the friendship we started a secret sexual relationship, she was my first love.  Long story short, her mom set us up and found out.  Her mom who did pastoral counseling for the church, began to counsel me and explain that I was sexually abused by my dad and that was the only reason I had these “un-natural” feelings.  She convinced me to move out, I didn’t speak with my family for 2 years, and I transferred to a private Christian university to try to get my life back on track.  I wasn’t allowed to spend time with my friend unless we were supervised, and try as I might to at least keep the friendship it didn’t work.  I was also engaged to a man during this time that I met on match.com, 2nd relationship.  I don’t remember a lot of this time due to the trauma involved and the fact that I had ECT “shock therapy” treatments around this time.  The trauma related to the sexuality and the ECT related to my mental illness that was sucking the life out of me.

In 2005, I stopped attending the university and was still seeking counseling but this time with a licensed therapist through a Christian day program.  I had been seeing this therapist for about 3 years, mainly dealing with daily issues associated with my mental illness.  I told my ex-girlfriend that I was gay and she hasn’t spoken to me since.  I told me therapist and she told me I had 2 choices: be abstinent for the rest of my life or get with a guy and wait for the feeling to come.  I told my sister, who I have a very close relationship with, and she asked if I was sure and made some comments about “the gay lifestyle” and never being able to come back.  Considering I had only had 2 intimate relationships thus far, I wasn’t very confident and went back into my non-sexual questioning sort of state.  I did stop seeing that therapist.

I quickly after got a case manager after a string of hospitalizations.  My case manager would occasionally bring up the sexuality issue but I wouldn’t talk about it and change the subject.  Not surprising considering my last two experiences with the helping field.  About 2 years ago around the ex-girlfriends birthday and after a failed “sex- buddies” relationship with a guy, I started talking about my sexual feelings again.  My case manager helped me process those feeling and the trauma surrounding all that stuff.  It took about 3 months to just acknowledge the feeling and the damage that was done.  Another 6 months to get to the acceptance stage.  And in about a year I started attending an LGBT group downtown, where I learned about this class. While I know my sexuality is a part of me, I am only out to a few people.

Mental illness and sexuality in my life have had a lot in common.  They both have made me feel isolated, different, and alone. Both have been used to imply there is something “wrong” with me and try to shame me.  Both are things that few people know about, we talk about being “out” in the mental health realm.  Both have a bunch of stigma and stereotypes attached to them as well.  I have been told by people that I can will my way out of my mental illness and sexuality.  Both can also be taboo subjects that no one wants to talk about.

I’d love to hear feedback or thoughts…

Daily Prompt: The Normal

11 Jun

WordPress Daily Prompt 6/9/13: Is being “normal” — whatever that means to you — a good thing, or a bad thing? Neither?

Normal was something I use to strive for.  I craved just for a minute to be “normal.”  To me abnormal was bad, crazy, unmentionable, lonely, and many other things of which all had a bad connotation to it.  Normal was good, I was not normal, I was not good.  Abnormal was bad, I was abnormal, I was bad.  Since just recently I have realized that normal isn’t necessarily good and abnormal isn’t  necessarily bad.  Normal can be bland and boring; along with stable, stress free and uneventful.  Abnormal can be different and unique experiences that are sometimes even good.  So now I would have to say normal doesn’t always mean one or the other to me.  If I’m doing “normal” I relate it to more of a good thing and if I’m not I try to think that at least I’m not boring and will probably have some interesting stories to tell after this spell is over.

Fitting in

13 Jun

I feel kind of stupid.  I always feel like their is some cliques and I’m not a part of them.  Sometimes this is real and sometimes I think more imagined.  I’ve always felt like I’ll never really fit in anywhere.  I had a group of friends in high school but we weren’t so much a clique, everyone was different we hung out with whoever, and I don’t think it was at least.  Now, I’m always noticing where there are groups of people that appear close and am jealous that either I’m not included or of it just in general.  It seems to be happening everywhere, obviously when there are groups of people at like the mall or something I don’t want to be in their clique just sad I don’t have one.  It seems when people offer me friendship or some sort of relationship I am so hesitant because of trust and insecurity issues that by the time I want to be in the friendship or relationship it seems awkward, like hey remember when a couple months ago…  Like it’s voided out or they know me better enough now to not want me.  It happens a lot in real life and now I feel it is even happening in e-life.  Feels like I’m destined to be different and alone.

There is something wrong with that girl

13 Feb

All my life I have spent trying to fit in in a world I don’t belong in.  When I was young it seemed I’d never fit in at school, I was shy and gone a lot (sick) I didn’t have many friends.  I tried to fit in with my family which has also never really happened.  I use to think I was adopted with how different I am from everyone else.  I tried to fit in though, I kept trying.  Once I hit junior high school, I stopped caring about fitting in with my family.  I had come to the realization of all the issues they had and I didn’t want to be like them.  I started acting strange at school, I was still different and the weird one although now it was kind of cool to be like that.  I didn’t really care though.  Along came high school and I calmed down a bit had quite a circle of friends but still felt like I never really belonged.  It was obvious (at least to me) that I didn’t think or act like the other girls we have different cares and concerns.  I think a lot of that was covered up by the fact I was just trying to get through the days during high school.  Then I met pk and I finally felt like I belonged, I started going to church I had friends and felt good.  When all that messed up I went back to trying to fit in with my family again.  I stayed away from most people because I didn’t want to get hurt again.  My family and I disagree on a lot although I just mostly keep my mouth shut because that is the type of person that I am.  Even before the voices and dramatic mood shifts there was always something different, something wrong with me.  I don’t know if the feeling is ever going to go away or if I can just accept it.


21 Dec

I feel like I have been neglecting the blog.  School is out now for winter break and I easily fall back into depression easier without structure/schedule.  The family (everyone but the brother-in-law) and neighbor went to Mexico Tuesday through Sunday although one of my sisters and the neighbor didn’t arrive until Wednesday.  We spent a couple days at a private residence on the beach, one of my dad’s friends is part owner of a house there and then the other couple days at an all inclusive.  I’ve mentioned before about how I don’t think I fit in: with my family, the world, and even myself.  I feel different and like I don’t belong.  When everyone is together it is even more apparent.  I have a few things in common with my mom but really that’s it.  the girls wanted to lay in the sun, drink, and go see the town.  the boys wanted to fish.  I spent most my time swimming (by myself), on my computer playing Farmville, or sleeping (or fake sleeping.)  It’s also the time of year where everyone seems to be spending time with their ‘special someone.’  My brother-in-law didn’t go but my sister is married, she’d dated him since they were 15.  My lil sister says she won’t get married but has been with her boyfriend for 7 years and they live together.  And my parents, well that’s a whole other story in itself, but they are married and have been together since they were 17; even though they rarely do anything together.  Both my sisters have dogs, which they treat like their kids.  I watch the dogs when they are busy but my parents don’t want me to get one because of the cat and my one sister doesn’t want me to because she thinks her dog will be jealous.  I had DBT yesterday, we talked about goals during the holiday season, potential problems, and plans.  Everyone was getting off topic so mostly we just talked about goals with people alternating about how it has been the worst year of their life.  My goals didn’t have anything ‘fun’ or that I would like to do so the leader wanted me to think of something I would like to do.  It literally took me about 10 minutes to think of something I would enjoy; it was half asses and two of the three involved other people.  It wasn’t a good day for DBT, I left more frustrated than I arrived.  Today has been a blah kind of day.  I’ve been up since 3am, and took a small nap mid day.  I’m alternating again between apathetic/numb/emptiness and on the verge of tears/hopeless/depressed.  I don’t particularly like either.  I have a doctor appointment tomorrow with GI for a follow up that I was supposed to have in October and never scheduled.  They called me a couple times so I caved and made the appointment.  I’m still having some symptoms but it isn’t as bad as it was in the summer and I have a hard time taking that medicine regularly since its 3 times a day instead of my other meds which are twice a day.  Friday is counseling appointment then the holiday weekend where we really don’t even know what is going on yet.  I feel out of energy maybe I’ll just call it.