Tag Archives: DBT skills

Fuck I guess you were right

30 Apr

Judging by the last week I’m not stable enough to start hormone therapy, testosterone.  Seriously looking at my mood and how minor events effect it made me realize that they were right as much as I wish it wasn’t true.  Part of it’s frustrating as I don’t have the support to process all the shit going on right now so that’s why I’m having my mood so effected by things.  And that isn’t changing any time soon.  ūüė¶  so it’s up to me to learn to cope if I want to “be stable” enough to start hormone therapy.   Time to dust off the DBT skills binder.

Abandonment sneaking back in

22 Aug

Honestly, I’m surprised it waited until now. ¬†It’ll less than a month till I’ll be moving out and officially starting UC Davis in the Fall Quarter which means that it is also less than a month until 20 something’s friend will be moving to San Diego. ¬†It’s starting to feel real, I’m starting to get sad, and I’m beginning to get overwhelmed. ¬†It started about a week and a half ago when he went there for a week long program at UCSD. ¬†One of the first days I just kinda lost it, and in front of my mom of all people. ¬†And for some reason I was seeking sympathy from her, talking about barking up the wrong tree and I should know better. ¬†I guess I was desperate. ¬†I tried my DBT skills all week. ¬†I FB messaged him a couple times but he was so busy with workshops and not and I didn’t want to be that person. ¬†After he got back I got a sweet postcard, I wish I had gotten it while he was gone, but since I was wrapped up in emotion mind a couple times I’m not sure it would have helped. ¬†I tried making plans with other friends, but my other blogger friends with BPD probably know how it is they are not¬†20 somethings friend; and it isn’t the same. ¬†It won’t be the same. ¬†It’s not the end of the world. ¬†But I’m losing my best friend. ¬†I have trouble making friends because of all my other issues and there won’t be anyone else in the world like him.

Disneyland!

15 Feb

This weekend me and 20 somethings friend went to Disneyland, it was his first time ever coming here. I was a little nervous because I wasn’t sure how he was going to like it, and then super excited because you know how I feel about Disneyland. He liked it more than he thought he would so that’s a win in my eyes. I’ve had a lot of opportunities to practice my DBT Skills even though things are going good, like keeping up on hygiene, half smiling (when annoyed by line jumping kids and teenagers), being assertive about getting the room I wanted, turning the mind, being mindful. ¬†For those who know Disneyland this is what we did at that park:

  • Matterhorn bobsleds
  • Space mountain which is currently called hyperspace mountain cuz Star Wars stuff
  • The many adventures of Winnie the Pooh
  • Mr. Toads wild ride
  • The haunted mansion
  • Big thunder railroad
  • Indian jones
  • Tarzan’s treehouse
  • Pirates of the carabiarean
  • The dark adventure of Snow White
  • It’s a small world.

At California adventure park we went on these rides

  • California screamin
  • Toy story midway mania
  • Goofys sky school
  • The little mermaid
  • Radiator springs racers
  • Tower of terror
  • Trolley
  • Animation academy
  • Soarin over California
  • Mad T Party
  • World of Color

The castle at Disney at night.

A child

10 Jan

Sometimes I feel like a child and I don’t really know what to do. ¬†I know certain behaviors are not okay to indulge in. ¬†When I am hurt I want to stop hurting. ¬†I think that’s normal. ¬†But I don’t know how to stop the hurt, sometimes I can dull if for a little while with DBT Skills, sometimes the BPD emotion mind will just pass on it’s own, but other days I have to give my phone away so I don’t do something I regret. ¬†I cry all night and then again most the next day. ¬†But I won’t let me be comforted. ¬†My sister tried to hug me last night and I screamed at her. ¬†I’m so use to closing up and shutting people out that it never occurred to me that maybe someone wanted to help. ¬†And then of course I never know if it would of help because I just shut down and didn’t allow it.

Sometimes seeing yourself as you are is so hard, especially when you don’t see the good that others do.

Christmas

25 Dec

It’s Christmas. ¬†This Christmas season has been quite different with different going ons in the family. ¬†My dad’s dad just had open heart surgery so my dad is visiting him a lot since right now he needs 24/7 care. ¬†Lil sis and her boyfriend just bought their 2nd house which they are renting out, so still busy fixing up the first one and now with a second one to go along with it. ¬†My sister is applying for a new job within her company and other than some travel it’s a full work from home job (I’m looking forward to that ūüôā ) ¬†My brother-in-law is a full fledged firefighter paramedic after a few years of academies and probations! ¬†And with me it feels all the same. ¬†No one other than 20 something friend, my sister, and my case manager know I’m transferring to UC Davis next fall. ¬†It’s big but I’m keeping a lid on it, in case something goes wrong.

I’ve been crying this last week straight. ¬†Different reasons. ¬†Frustration. ¬†Emptiness. ¬†Loneliness. ¬†Meaninglessness. ¬†Expectations not being met. ¬†And being suicidal. ¬†I rarely cry when I’m suicidal so it’s a strange combination. ¬†A couple of the nights I just let my self cry for a couple hours, but then I get nauseous. ¬†I’m lucky in that I haven’t cried so much I’ve thrown up.

Going to use a lot of my DBT Skills during this school break (3-4weeks).  Cope ahead.  Cope Ahead.  COPE AHEAD.

Trying to be mature- DBT Skills

22 Jul

It’s been a rough past couple of days. ¬†I’m out of the heightened suicdality and voices but still feeling down and extremely vulnerable. ¬†Me and 20 somethings friend are suppose to go on a road trip to San Diego to check out the school he is thinking about transferring to. ¬†This is hard in the first place but I’m trying to be supportive. ¬†We were also going to visit a friend from group who moved to LA. ¬†Now this friend is driving with us and staying pretty much the whole time, except for the ride back. ¬†I’m super bummed. ¬†The borderline in me just says to cancel even going, that he has this friend and he doesn’t need me. ¬†The other urge is to get him to not let this extra friend come. ¬†I’m trying to be mature and use by DBT skills. ¬†Unfortunately we haven’t started interpersonal effectiveness yet so all I have is emotion regulation and distress tolerance. ¬†I’m trying opposite action and just trying to stay calm and not get angry. ¬†I’m also going to fill out an observe/describe sheet to see if I can get my hurt feelings to go down in intensity. ¬†Sometimes I want to revert to an earlier me, because it is so much easier. ¬†At least I kinda said my feelings.

A lot of different stuff

5 May

My eyes are burning and I feel like crying but I can’t. ¬†It’s been a week since I brought up the voices and they have been out of control most this week. ¬†My Fitness Pal says I can have 1,200 calories a day, the voices say way less. ¬†My stomach is not hungry, but my mind is. ¬†I got A’s on both parts of the Italian test today but will be pretty much guaranteed a B in the class, that’s not good enough for me and will wreck my 4.0 GPA at that school. ¬†Looking at my DBT diary cards I was surprised I had 3 bad days in a row where I tried to use skills and it didn’t work and I still tried the 4th day, I guess that’s progress. ¬†I need to work on my communicating but am too scared to do it in person. ¬†I try and write messages but then don’t get the response I wanted or they don’t understand what I wrote. ¬†This blog is my outlet, I write most everything here, password protecting few posts. ¬†I know certain people will read it and I feel safe enough to truly write what’s going on. ¬†That’s rare and awesome. ¬†Sometimes I wish people followed up with what I write but I’m not to good at getting back to comments when I’m not well and real life people may find it awkward. ¬†My eyes want to go to sleep but I know my brain will keep me awake. ¬†I’d like to do something I’d enjoy but would probably feel guilty for not studying for tomorrows math exam. ¬†I’m not worried about the presentation anymore, now that I know I practically have a B in the class no matter what. ¬†I want to talk and connect with someone right now but blogging to the computer is not doing it for me, so goodbye.