Tag Archives: crying

The problems lack of memory brings

5 Mar

Today while driving back to my apartment from home, I was crying which is a pretty normal occurrence.  It’s a 40 minute drive, I’m alone and I don’t have to worry about anyone finding me or asking me questions.  As I was crying and thinking about my time here at UC Davis, my transition, and my lack of friends I was wondering if this was what it was like at the private christian college.  Of course I don’t remember!

With everything going on, I’m getting back suicidal again.  I think it might help if I could remember if this is what it was like before, because if it was- I either adjusted, quit, or got through it; because hey I’m here.

Again mostly annoyed by the lack of friends.  Which makes the thought of dying easier when there is no one to live for.  I got the few standard people but they are most distant with my school duties and their current life duties.

Apparently again can’t be ASD because I care about having a friend or two.  Fucking ridiculous.  And these people are suppose to be professionals.  People annoy me to most an extent and I’m picky as hell about friends, but I want a couple.

Thoughts of the Week

27 Dec
  • I wish I had a job, so I could have coworkers.
  • I’m never going to be normal.
  • If I just drank and drove my parents could tell people I died in a DUI, instead of committing suicide.
  • Why am I crying?
  • This tranquil feeling is awesome.

Christmas

25 Dec

It’s Christmas.  This Christmas season has been quite different with different going ons in the family.  My dad’s dad just had open heart surgery so my dad is visiting him a lot since right now he needs 24/7 care.  Lil sis and her boyfriend just bought their 2nd house which they are renting out, so still busy fixing up the first one and now with a second one to go along with it.  My sister is applying for a new job within her company and other than some travel it’s a full work from home job (I’m looking forward to that 🙂 )  My brother-in-law is a full fledged firefighter paramedic after a few years of academies and probations!  And with me it feels all the same.  No one other than 20 something friend, my sister, and my case manager know I’m transferring to UC Davis next fall.  It’s big but I’m keeping a lid on it, in case something goes wrong.

I’ve been crying this last week straight.  Different reasons.  Frustration.  Emptiness.  Loneliness.  Meaninglessness.  Expectations not being met.  And being suicidal.  I rarely cry when I’m suicidal so it’s a strange combination.  A couple of the nights I just let my self cry for a couple hours, but then I get nauseous.  I’m lucky in that I haven’t cried so much I’ve thrown up.

Going to use a lot of my DBT Skills during this school break (3-4weeks).  Cope ahead.  Cope Ahead.  COPE AHEAD.

Poem: Silence

31 Oct

Silent tears.

Silent fears

Silent death.

Misconceptions of Depression

14 Sep

Depression isn’t always what you think.

Today I woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed. I knew I had a Hebrew Quiz I needed to study for, usually school excites me today I just dread it. I get out of bed and do the things I have to do: bathe, brush teeth, take pills, eat breakfast. My pill chart needs to be loaded, instead I take just enough for my morning dose out of the bottles. The dishwasher needs to be emptied, instead I grab the smaller bowl and bigger spoon which are in the cupboard still clean. I look at the pile of Hebrew printed papers I printed last night. I just look at it, don’t read it. I go back to bed for a nap, I’ve only been up for about 45 minutes. I sleep for an hour and a half, I set my alarm otherwise I’d sleep all day. I get up and empty the dishwasher and load my pill chart. I check my e-mail and go over the Hebrew vocabulary list for the first time. I rewrite it once to get the concept in my head. I decide to text my sister about a walk later tonight, because it’s something else I’m suppose to do. I text 20 somethings friend even though I know he’s most likely in class. I feel the tears well up, I Facebook message blogger friend. We chat a little while, I don’t end up having a full crying fit. 20 somethings friend texts me back it’s a short exchange and I need to leave for school. At school. I’m an hour early because my anxiety and need to be on time or early. I rewrite the Hebrew sentences about 10 times. I’m done. I hopefully gaze at phone for the other 45 mins. Class goes okay.  Professor calls me out on working alone, when he said to work in pairs. I sigh and turn to the extroverted girl who sits behind me. I leave class and check phone, my sister has texted me back. My mood lifts a little, I call her but she has to go because of dinner. But I think it’s because of some comments I said implying she’s just being a hypochondriac again. It’s raining as I drive home, I find it off I’m sad and apathetic but not crying, the sky is crying for me. I get home, ready to go on walk my sister says she just sat down for dinner. Her earlier excuse to get off the phone runs through my mind. I check my email to pass the time. We go on a walk. I get home (7:30pm) and want to go to bed, it’s too early. Studying for tomorrow’s French exam crosses my mind and leaves it just as quickly. I write last blog, trying to occupy myself. It’s still to early to go to bed. I feel dead inside. So I take a bath to feel warmer (alive) and self soothe. I’m frustrated I did everything “right” and still I feel empty and nothingness. I write this blog, I think about how it’s gotten long and boring and how it will be passed by. It’s nine. I can go to bed now.

Case in point.

6 Sep

Me last night

Its too much

6 Sep

I’ve allowed myself to feel again and it is too much.  This is the reminder of why I stay to myself.  Everyone else in life moves on and I just can’t handle it.  I’m paralyzed with fear to even have a conversation.  I put so much effort in but I can’t anymore and I don’t think he will.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  It hurts so bad.

More Skillful

10 Aug

Last night while I did end up taking some medication and crying myself to sleep, I did use some of my DBT skills.  While in bed, the Nyquil and Valium weren’t kicking in fast enough and I used the urge surfing skill not to self harm or take more.  I tried to accept my emotion and let it be.  I tried to not over analyze things too much, or push away the unpleasant feelings.  By the time the medicine started to kick in, I felt much calmer and it wasn’t just due to the meds.  I think not fighting the emotions really helped.  I woke up to see 20 somethings friend had texted me a couple times after he was done wanting to hang out, but I was already asleep.  He reads this blog usually so maybe he knew that.  I’m trying not to judge my reaction of things not going as I had thought they would/planned.  Hey that’s another skill.

BPD Extreme Emotions

25 Jun

I sort of thought I had my emotions more controlled than it turns out I do.  During periods of depression my moods only fluctuate from extremely depressed to apathetic depression.  After my long depressive episode last year I felt a couple months of true stability.  Then life started happening and my emotions got all over the place again.  I could give you an exact reason why for each and every change though they may have seemed minor to anybody else.

The emotional episodes in the last week have been the extremest in at least 2 years maybe more.  Also I haven’t been able to assign each episode to a specific trigger.  Yesterday with my case manager we just talked about grief and change; well mostly I cried and she mentioned those things.  Also, when I get on these rolls all the changes that are up and coming hit me at once, but at the same time I’d say they’re always looming so I wouldn’t call it a trigger.  Anyways, I’m still confused as to what is setting these off.

I had an appointment with the therapist today, she seemed more personable which was odd for me.  She’s usually very ‘blank slate.’  We talked about trying to be in wise mind with all these changes that are coming up and the growth I want.  Maybe to write them down so when I get those episodes I can look at it, though I’ll probably be too irrational and emotional.  But at least it’s a suggestion.  I’ll have to look at my other emotion regulation and distress tolerance skills.

As with BPD, I’m flying high today and nothing is wrong with the world other than my eyes still burning from all the crying yesterday.

Shame on me

1 Feb

Today has not been a very good day. For those of you wondering about my last post on medication, I did get my dad to pick up the Lamictal but didn’t get the Prazosin by mail until after I’d left Friday, so no Prazosin all weekend but I’m on all my other Meds. I thought this weekend went well until about 15 minutes till we got home. I should know better when someone starts a conversation with something like I don’t want to piss you off or I don’t want this to ruin your weekend. Another thing my sister and dad have in common. Anyways, apparently my sister hates Disneyland and hates driving. She was angry (to say the least) that I had slept about 3 hours on the car ride there and about 6 hours on the car ride back. I explained part of it was to do with my medications and she just responded with something to the fact of you don’t want to hear my opinions on those. Then she said I wouldn’t have slept if it was a friend going with me to Disneyland or something and made some hints that they allow me to do this. I tried telling her she should have told me and I would have drank a red bull, that I didn’t realize it was that important. That just made her angrier. She said what if we switched places and I don’t know how I’m suppose to know all these things before they happen. I’m comfortable around my sister and that’s why I let myself sleep, I know better to do that next time. In addition it led me into a borderline spiral that included crying, self harm urges, suicidal thoughts, and the urge to cut up my Disneyland annual pass. I laid down for awhile and then just ate a bunch of ice cream for which I feel guilty for. Here’s a picture of my DBT Diary for this week notice the emotions/urges for today: self harm, suicide, sad, anger, and shame. Especially look at the difference of today versus all the other days earlier in the week.

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