Tag Archives: counseling

Sex and PTSD

3 Aug

I’m frustrated, scared, annoyed and a lot of other emotions mixed in that I can not name.  My emotion chart is currently MIA in the move.

I had counseling yesterday, and mentioned the manic mood which caused me nearly to have sex.  Not thinking much about it, then than maybe getting a reprimand.  Well, my case manager was/IS concerned about me having sex with men triggering my PTSD again.  Now I’m wondering if it’s even worth it.  But I just can’t not have sex forever, because I have these stupid PTSD things that happen.  I guess I gotta figure out how to work through them and if they will even happen this time.  And who will work with them with me.

Life’s so fucking complicated.

A needed update

11 Jan

Things are going well.  I’m into my 3rd day of the new quarter here in college.  I already like it much better than last quarter.  Taking more classes I thrive as the structure helps keep me accountable and busy- last semester there was just too much down time.  I bought a binder to begin wearing this year, when it came in the mail and I saw it I was like “Yikes!” it looked so small, especially around the stomach area.  I’ve been wearing it for 4 days now; usually only the first half the day while I’m in my classes.  There is some discomfort when walking and I can’t slouch, which may be a good thing.  But I really like the way I look.  I want to buy a few more, as I just bought one since they are sort of expensive and I wasn’t sure how I’d take to it.  The thing is it’s really hot, which is fine in this rainy wet weather we are having now, but what happens once hot summers come?  I also found new boxer briefs that don’t ride up and practically become like woman underwear.  I bought 4 more mens shirts and my dad just gave me some more money for the month.  I think I’ll buy another couple shirts.


My classes this semester are 2nd quarter Greek, 4th quarter Spanish, New Testament in Greek, Upper Division Writing, and Gender, Language and Society.  There are 5 classes but the New Testament class is just one hour, once a week.  I also have an ungraded connection that meets once a week around the common interest of being a Future grad student.  I’ll be pretty busy this quarter.

Counseling will probably be cut to every other week so I can go to gender group, also because I’m doing well right now.  If I start to have problems we may change apps to Friday or I may go later on Wednesdays and skip Gender group sometimes.  When I see the therapist at the end of the month I’m going to ask her AGAIN about when I will have a consult with the gender therapist, I know I was in crisis in November and then in December she had to cancel because she was sick but I’m running out of patience.  I just found out today my psychiatrist has a reminder set to have a phone appointment with me on the 20th, then we will talk about reducing the Latuda we had to increase at the end of November because of the psychotic symptoms.

27 Oct

The transphobic narrative from practically everywhere and the voices are teaming up, even though at this point I am coherent enough to know this it doesn’t help much.  Hearing voices in your head saying your baby nephew is going to die because of how you identify and the changes you are making in your life.  I’m not sure how far the psychosis will go, if I can bargain with it, even if I want to.  I took an extra half of my anti-psychotic so hopefully that helps and a Valium because the words were so upsetting.

I don’t know if I want to bring this up in counseling tomorrow, because I don’t want another reason for them to cross contaminate the gender identity with my legitimate mental illnesses and screw up my process and progress for transitioning.  I also don’t want to end up in the hospital before my last midterm, which is next Tuesday.  If the voices are still there in the am, I’m going to take another extra 1/2 of my anti-psychotic in addition to my regular dose I am still taking.

I wish I could get my studying done that needs to be done for tomorrow mornings midterm.  I wish I had someone to talk to.  All I can do now is wait and I have my ear phones in blasting music, blocking the voices till hopefully the meds kick in.   Then I can study, they don’t even have to go away completely, just I need to be calm enough to study and not as loud and distracting voices.

A Whole Lot of Stuff

8 May

Yesterday was the NAMI Walk here is a picture of my 2016 Team:

NAMI 2016 Team

Biggest team yet with 23 participants, 4 of which were children and 2 of which were dogs.  It rained so it was a good turnout of my 31 people registered.  I met my fund raising goal of $1,500.  The highest amount I’ve raised in all 4 years too.

goal met!

My ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) Evaluation  is set for May 24th so we’ll see what happens I also have an appointment with the therapist that day and it’s a week after school ended.  Me and my case manager have decided to go to meetings once every two weeks because I’m doing good but that might chance with the loss of structure from summer and some realizations I had when talking with some Autistic friends.  I’m set to receive to more AAs this semester, Associate Degrees or 2 years degrees one in Foreign Languages and the other in LGBT studies (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender).  I’m not going to either commencement ceremony but for my LGBT studies one I am going to a more informal Rainbow Graduation and 20 somethings friend is going.  I only invited 3 people, my sister and family friend couldn’t go both are traveling.

I signed my commitment thing to go to UC Davis and will be going to their transfer day this Friday and touring student housing and making my decision when I get home I plan on filling out the forms and putting my deposit down for student housing.  My financial aid finally went through and I’m relieved I won’t be paying that much for college so if my unpredictable parents do something stupid I’m still okay.

Things are good but I’m exhausted from yesterday.

Are you my mommy?

23 Mar

Today in counseling we talked mostly about my visit to San Diego State University.  I went over the pros and cons I posted on my last blog and talked about how I felt like no one was supporting me in even considering SDSU as a choice.  I also was generally talking about family and spring break, so it came up about my sisters.  Lil sis’ 30th birthday is Friday and she always jokes that March is her birth month and whenever she wants anythings shes says, “but it’s my birth month.”  So I’ve been celebrating her whole birth month with gifts and surprises.  Monday I drove up there and surprised her with an edible arrangement at work, I stayed the night and made her gluten free cookies and gave her some matching necklaces I had bought.  She is a dental assistant, so Tuesday I went and had a dental exam and my teeth cleaned, we went to lunch and then I drove home.  My other sister is pregnant and the family isn’t very supportive, for their various reasons.  I’m making her a pre-pregnancy smash book.  Right now I’m keeping track of dates and stuff she says.  I even downloaded the same app so I can keep track of the size of the baby and how far she is along.  My case manager said how I was like a mom to them, or mothering them or something.  I made some joke about how someone had to do it and just like when we were kids. (Because of my mom’s drinking and just coldness in general)  Then she mentioned how I never had a mom, and how they (my psych team tried to fragmentally try to mother me unsuccessfully) and how I seemed to do it for myself.  I think I kinda disagree, but whatever.

Anyways, strange enough I get home and we are having a family dinner.  Dad’s actually home and my sister and her husband are over.  My sister is talking about a First Five commercial that talks about the importance of talking and reading and singing to your kids for brain development; and how she talks so much so it will be great and her kid will be so smart.  She jokes something to my mom, whose standing next to her about how they must have talked to me a lot since I’m a genius, and she laughs and then says yep and then she could read so we didn’t need to talk, sing, or read to you or lil sis.  Yet another reminder (evidence) I mothered my two sisters, even from a young age.  And everyone accepts this and normal.

When do I get to be mothered?

Up in the air

11 Mar

I got my sister to go with me to San Diego State for the Open House thing, it was much harder than it should have been, my case manager even though I should have had someone supporting me coming with me.  But my sister had decided in her mind that she knew what was best and that was for me to go alone.  With all my anxiety, and all the progress I’m making, and all my issues, apparently she things something along the line of me going backwards if she goes with.  I’m getting worked up so lets talk about something else.  She’s going, lets hope it doesn’t turn into a disaster.

My counseling appointments are being changed to Wednesdays because my case managers new role starts next week.  It’s Kaiser so of course what they told her isn’t what she got and right now she only has 6 hours a week for case management and I am very grateful that she is saving one of those a week for me.  I also like Wednesdays better because if I feel unstable I can usually talk myself into waiting till Wednesday and knowing if I need to contact her before the weekend ends.  I think I mentioned that lately my appts have only been 1/2 hours and how I was nervous she quieted that fear when I brought it up this week, by confirming just what I thought if I’m doing good we don’t have to talk as much.

I’m wondering when this ASD evaluation is going to happen, and getting nervous.  I guess I’ll ask next week.  She said something about the way that I walk now I find myself self conscious which isn’t like me, normally I don’t care.  I just want to know the results, the suspense, oh the suspense.

I went to the NAMI Walks Kick off luncheon today.  This is my 3rd year being a team captain but my first year going to the luncheon.  I don’t like social events.  I could have just not went and had them send me my packet like prior years.  I think my team will be smaller this year but hopefully I will raise more money.

Counseling Update 3/4/16

4 Mar

Today was an interesting day.  Because my case manager has been so busy and her role within my health insurance is changing my appointments are now about 30 minutes a week instead of the usual hour, I assume if I needed a full hour she would be there for me.  First  things first, yesterday I found out I got into San Diego State University which is/was my first choice for attending school but would require a move and some big changes.  I earlier had sort of written it off because I was not stable enough, but now am actually considering it.  Anyways, if you follow me on my blog Facebook page you would see I was “feeling stoked!”  My case manager practically cried today when she found out, she was so proud and excited.  It also happens to be her alma mater.  The main reason I applied is it’s the only college in the state that has a BA in LGBT studies.

Next I mentioned how I went to 20 somethings group last night and after group, one of the members was talking about a co-worker who had to move office cubicles because of the strong scent of another co-workers perfume/cologne.  It was a good opportunity to bring up Sensory Processing Disorder, and it being a spectrum and the complexities.  I also explained my history with it.  While recanting the story to my case manager she was surprised I had so many issues with it, as we have never talked about it all together in one session, she suggested I get an evaluation for ASD  (Autistic Spectrum Disorders) because of these and other symptoms I have, she’s going to talk to the therapist about it.  I feel torn; another diagnosis, possible more resources especially if I’ll be making this big step towards moving.  There’s always something new.

When things are going well

31 Jan

When things are going well I don’t want to write as much.  Part of it is superstition that I will “mess up” the good times.

So where did I leave off…  I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday and it went really WELL, I mentioned the need for something PRN or as needed when the voices get too much or my emotions get out of control, surprisingly he asked me what I wanted.  Dr’s are funny ducks sometimes and they don’t like to be told what to do, so I was really surprised by this, I asked for Valium and he gave me a prescription of 20 of them.  I was also really happy with this because in December and Late November I was having min-overdoses on anything I could get my hands on and this seems like a safe dose.

I also was talking about my weight and how I was trying to eat smarter and take an exercise class.  I mentioned the history of heart disease and high cholesterol in my family.  He suggested Topamax, which my sister has been trying to get me for years.  I was on it earlier in my 20’s and lost a lot of weight on it, so I am very hopeful.

My psychiatrist said I sounded very excited about my future and he was proud of that.  He said that medication and counseling could just set the stage and it was up to the patient to work on getting their life in order.  I took it as a compliment and was actually able to say thank you.

I had a counseling appointment Friday and need to talk to my case manager about her availability for emergency appointments.  She just changed roles within the psych department, she use to split her time (1/2 in child psych and 1/2 in adult case management) and now she is in adult case management and IOP along with Next Step, which I just found out about Friday.  She has to drop a lot of her case load because of her availability with leading IOP and Next Step.  Luckily she is keeping me.  Last week, a small thing about the kids came up  (Hard to Hear.) And I was debating if it was something I was wanting to take time and finally address.  Unfortunately she says she won’t have a lot of time for emergency appointments and even suggested seeing someone else in case management (NO WAY!)  So the topic will be put on the table even longer.

I was suppose to have a date Friday night that got called off last minute.  Good thing I had just got the Valium that day!  I took 2 and the next day it took a lot of convincing not to be difficult and self-sabotage the date out of defiance and anger.  Look to the password protected post to see how the date went.

Things are going well

28 Jan

All of my school has officially started.  I’m pretty excited about it, which is obviously a change from everyday life ?.  I’ve woken up happy and anticipating the day a lot lately.  Switching the Viibryd to the morning has really helped and I’m not getting day time sleepiness anymore.  Last night I started to get down on myself because I didn’t eat very healthy yesterday, and then I thought about it and said to myself “you’ll do better tomorrow” that’s a big step.  I’m thinking about going into some heavy stuff into counseling because I actually feel stable, but now that she has switched jobs I worry about getting emergency appointments if I need them.  I also worry about if it will turn into a need for hospitalization.   Yesterday was #BellLetsTalk day in Canada for mental health, I wrote a short status on my regular facebook, including the info that I had been hospitalized over a dozen times.  I got a share and a comment, not the response I got when I first wrote about my diagnoses last year- but that status was short and people don’t usually read long status updates.  I have an appointment with the psychiatrist today, I hope to get something PRN for the voices or when I get overwhelmed and can’t cope.


30 Dec

I woke up pretty early because I went to bed early last night.  I hate days where I don’t have anything to do or just don’t actually end up doing anything.  As soon as I got up my mom told me my counseling appointment had been canceled.  My first reaction was to go back to bed, an imminent sign that today was going to be bad again.  I only laid in bed for about 5 minutes before I got up and told myself I was going to try and have a good day.  I ate breakfast and made some cinnamon rolls, my way of self-soothing.  I distracted for a little while playing all my lives in Candy Crush.  After writing this I’m going to go take a bath or work on my SMASH book, self-care and more distracting.  I need to stay away from the news today, there are too many triggering stories.  My mind has already gone a little wild catastrophizing why my case manager had to cancel my appointment.  I’m trying to recognize this as a cognitive distortion and distract myself so I don’t keep coming back to it.  I’m going to text 20 somethings friend when it gets a little later in the morning, I don’t want to wake him up, and try to plan some purposeful pleasure.   It’s a day for a lot of DBT skills.