It’s been one of those days, one of those weeks. Where I’m frustrated that I don’t have an ASD diagnosis because I didn’t fit the criteria as a kid. It’s been fucking with my functioning this week. I’ve messed up a few social cues. And I’m curious. I have some Aspergers followers out there or people on the Spectrum that “cope” and appear normal enough. I don’t mean this to come off rude, I know they took aspergers out of the DSM5 thats why I want to cover aspergers and the spectrum but I’m mostly referring to more of the higher functioning people who for lack of a better word pass as normal most time.
That’s me. And I know the goal after you get an ASD diagnosis is therapy to help cope with daily living and be able to live productively, get social skills, don’t have meltdowns, learn to deal with sensory issues, etc. etc. I just don’t understand that if I was forced to do this as a kid because of a chaotic home environment how I can’t have the diagnosis. I essentially learned most the skills they try to teach out of necessity. Now on my own, I’ve regressed a bit plus I’m managing a bunch of other shit so honestly I don’t have the energy for all that normative passing stuff. But I’m still upset that the doctor won’t give me the diagnosis because as a child I didn’t meet the criteria till i was 11 or so.
The transphobic narrative from practically everywhere and the voices are teaming up, even though at this point I am coherent enough to know this it doesn’t help much. Hearing voices in your head saying your baby nephew is going to die because of how you identify and the changes you are making in your life. I’m not sure how far the psychosis will go, if I can bargain with it, even if I want to. I took an extra half of my anti-psychotic so hopefully that helps and a Valium because the words were so upsetting.
I don’t know if I want to bring this up in counseling tomorrow, because I don’t want another reason for them to cross contaminate the gender identity with my legitimate mental illnesses and screw up my process and progress for transitioning. I also don’t want to end up in the hospital before my last midterm, which is next Tuesday. If the voices are still there in the am, I’m going to take another extra 1/2 of my anti-psychotic in addition to my regular dose I am still taking.
I wish I could get my studying done that needs to be done for tomorrow mornings midterm. I wish I had someone to talk to. All I can do now is wait and I have my ear phones in blasting music, blocking the voices till hopefully the meds kick in. Then I can study, they don’t even have to go away completely, just I need to be calm enough to study and not as loud and distracting voices.
Today has been a good day. I woke up early and was productive in getting somethings done. My day hasn’t gone according to my plan, but I’m learning to be okay with that. So far I haven’t had any suicidal thinking, terror about transferring, or self harm urges. Sometimes they visit during the day, but mostly at night. Hope they don’t come tonight. *Crosses fingers* My pants that didn’t fit yesterday, turned out to be my dads. This is good and bad, it means my pants still fit but I’m fatter than my dad and I am not okay with that. So today, the body dysphoria wasn’t even bad enough to really be dysphoria and it was short lived to. Oh not so yesterday, though!
At counseling my case manager said that my reality hadn’t changed just my perception of it. She also threw in it could change back. I was annoyed when she makes statements like this and uses the word “choice.” Because I often interpret it to mean it’s my fault and that it could be different. I guess she is right, I’m afraid to trust people and reveal how much I’m suffering because of that argument with 20 somethings friend. But really he’s just doing what he’s always done and so is my sister and my case manager.
I’m trying to work on being able to make myself feel better and part of that is not letting the bad feelings stay or feeding them. The other night I was starting to crash, so I went and got in my covers and snuggled not with anyone but just with tight soft blankets, my pillow, and Tigger. I ended up taking a 2 hour nap, when I woke up I didn’t feel as bad but I also didn’t have much to do. So instead of being bored and possibly letting those feelings creep back in, I went to bed for the night.
Today I had my counseling session, it had been 2 weeks which is an anomaly, as we normally meet once a week. I was hesitant about letting her know what had gone on in the last week and how unstable I felt. I’d been pondering this morning whether to have her hospitalize me. I have a lot of pressure coming up with school and finals. There’s been a lot going on in my mind with regards to 20 somethings friend leaving and the transferring process. Along with an argument that took place last weekend.
Part of me wanted to be taken care of and have an legitimate “excuse” do dodge out on my responsibilities with school. Part wanted to self sabotage and just not take the tests and therefore violate the transfer agreement. And I’m sorry to admit part of me just wanted to highlight how bad things really are. But there honestly is a part of me that is scared I will actually do something serious. Really only the last reason is a valid reason.
I made a commitment to stay safe, which included not self harming or self medicating. I knew if I didn’t agree she would hospitalize me and she knew if I agreed- I’d keep up my end of the deal. I’m appreciative that she made next weeks appointment a little earlier, so I only have 5 days to think about right now. That was a little bit what the promises, promises post was about.
We talked about what had gone on and how I had reacted, I know my reactions were for the most part extremer than the situation called for, but I also showed some restraint and knew about logical consequences. We talked about how the situations were stressful not only to me but would be to your average non-mentally ill person, and that made me feel a little better.
We also talked about how I go into that suicidal state and choose to stay there. I don’t think I consciously choose to go there but I do let it stick around because it feels like a safe escape to me. It comforts me. We discussed how I need to make a choice to take that off the table. I told her I wasn’t ready to, but I did say that I understood what she was trying to say. I’m going to try and get there, but like on all things I kinda do it when I’m ready. Like about 3 years and 1 month ago where I took self harm out of the equation. I had to cope another way, I just decided. I’ve only self harmed twice since. I need to get there too with the suicidal thinking/planning. I’m using my skills along side the thinking which is strange. Maybe that’s how I neutralize it.
Day 10: Write about something for which you feel strongly.
I get very annoyed with people who judge others and think they are somehow better than others. Especially when it comes to the way people choose to cope with their difficulties. Most people think that a workaholic is better than an alcoholic, but odds are they are both spending a lot of time with something to avoid certain stress or feelings. Same with people who use drugs. I’m not saying their behavior is okay, but I think people need more compassion to look at why they choose to do these things, instead of judging them. Also people who have given up destructive behavior should be praised more than they are. It’s often only in an AA group where people will appreciate and recognize your days sober. As with my self harm, there are only certain people who know how long it has been since I last self harmed (72 days if your curious) because people don’t talk about these accomplishments because they fear others will judge them.
The outside of the box.
The box had slits in it to let the magic out.
Bubble wrap to pop when frustrated.
Brain flex stress ball.
Smaller tigger from keychain. Soft to touch.
My Wellness Journal. Here’s a post with video on more about it.
An older “book of encouragement”
iPod and earphones with soothing and distracting songs. (Really helps with voices.)
Soap bar my case manager gave me for my birthday one year.
Smooth rock (self-soothe touch also good for grounding)
Labendar bath bubbles (self-soothe smell and relaxation in the tub)
Bath salts (smell and relaxation)
Candle (self-soothe, smell; pleasing sight of flame,)
Smash activity book (distraction)
Raspberry sorbet gum (self soothe- taste)
Lavender fragrance oil. (Self soothe, smell)
My magic wand.
Ideas and extra comments to add to wellness journal.
My new medication regimen, the Viibryd in my opinion, has my sleep all thrown off. Most days I take at least one nap sometimes for up to 4 hours. I don’t feel drowsy or groggy just the need to sleep. Fall asleep quickly during my naps and sometimes will sleep for hours if not waken. I mentioned this to my psychiatrist and my intensive case manager and didn’t really get any results. My psychiatrist said if anything it was the Latuda which hadn’t been adjusted in over a month. Yesterday morning I woke up at 5am ready for the day and Thursday morning I woke up at 3am. I probably took naps both days but I’m not routinely writing it down or anything. This
morning? afternoon I wake up nearly at 1pm. I feel a little groggy and light headed. My life works okay right now where I am functioning fine with an erratic sleep schedule. It’s breaks in between school and my work is once a month and very flexible. It makes me wonder though how I will do next semester with more classes. I’ve tried a number of sleep hygiene things and my own ways to moderate sleep. If I’m not sleepy and I lay in bed, my mind just goes everywhere for a couple hours till I get to sleep. If I feel the need to sleep in the day but can’t because of obligations I drink a Red Bull or some Starbucks.
16. What advice would you give to someone about self harm?
People will try to shame you. It may not be the best way to cope but you have enough guilt already so don’t beat yourself up even more. Be careful who you talk to about it, people are very judgmental. There are other things that you can do instead.