Tag Archives: coping

Independence thoughts

10 Aug

About a week ago I moved out of student housing into a duplex.  I’m sharing the duplex with 2 of my roommates from student housing apartments but they are not moving in until Sept 20.  I like the independence but it’s also a bit lonely and I’m trying to get use to that without letting it send me into a depression or a series or a negative thought loop I can’t get out of.  A few times I’ve just had to leave.

Tonight I was laying in bed and able to stay in a neutral state for quite longer than I expected.  I have messaged some friends, but so far no one has responded.  They weren’t desperate messages and I’m not desperate and hope not to go there.  I have a mini list of things in my head to do to keep me from falling off the deep end.

I just wonder if I can do this for a month and a half?  If it will get easier, or what?

Adults on the Autistic Spectrum

2 Feb

It’s been one of those days, one of those weeks.  Where I’m frustrated that I don’t have an ASD diagnosis because I didn’t fit the criteria as a kid.  It’s been fucking with my functioning this week.  I’ve messed up a few social cues.  And I’m curious.  I have some Aspergers followers out there or people on the Spectrum that “cope” and appear normal enough.  I don’t mean this to come off rude, I know they took aspergers out of the DSM5 thats why I want to cover aspergers and the spectrum but I’m mostly referring to more of the higher functioning people who for lack of a better word pass as normal most time.

That’s me.  And I know the goal after you get an ASD diagnosis is therapy to help cope with daily living and be able to live productively, get social skills, don’t have meltdowns, learn to deal with sensory issues, etc. etc.   I just don’t understand that if I was forced to do this as a kid because of a chaotic home environment how I can’t have the diagnosis.  I essentially learned most the skills they try to teach out of necessity.  Now on my own, I’ve regressed a bit plus I’m managing a bunch of other shit so honestly I don’t have the energy for all that normative passing stuff.  But I’m still upset that the doctor won’t give me the diagnosis because as a child I didn’t meet the criteria till i was 11 or so.



27 Oct

The transphobic narrative from practically everywhere and the voices are teaming up, even though at this point I am coherent enough to know this it doesn’t help much.  Hearing voices in your head saying your baby nephew is going to die because of how you identify and the changes you are making in your life.  I’m not sure how far the psychosis will go, if I can bargain with it, even if I want to.  I took an extra half of my anti-psychotic so hopefully that helps and a Valium because the words were so upsetting.

I don’t know if I want to bring this up in counseling tomorrow, because I don’t want another reason for them to cross contaminate the gender identity with my legitimate mental illnesses and screw up my process and progress for transitioning.  I also don’t want to end up in the hospital before my last midterm, which is next Tuesday.  If the voices are still there in the am, I’m going to take another extra 1/2 of my anti-psychotic in addition to my regular dose I am still taking.

I wish I could get my studying done that needs to be done for tomorrow mornings midterm.  I wish I had someone to talk to.  All I can do now is wait and I have my ear phones in blasting music, blocking the voices till hopefully the meds kick in.   Then I can study, they don’t even have to go away completely, just I need to be calm enough to study and not as loud and distracting voices.

A little of this, a little of that

6 Dec

Today has been a good day.  I woke up early and was productive in getting somethings done.  My day hasn’t gone according to my plan, but I’m learning to be okay with that.  So far I haven’t had any suicidal thinking, terror about transferring, or self harm urges.  Sometimes they visit during the day, but mostly at night.  Hope they don’t come tonight. *Crosses fingers* My pants that didn’t fit yesterday, turned out to be my dads.  This is good and bad, it means my pants still fit but I’m fatter than my dad and I am not okay with that.  So today, the body dysphoria wasn’t even bad enough to really be dysphoria and it was short lived to. Oh not so yesterday, though!

At counseling my case manager said that my reality hadn’t changed just my perception of it.   She also threw in it could change back.  I was annoyed when she makes statements like this and uses the word “choice.”  Because I often interpret it to mean it’s my fault and that it could be different.  I guess she is right, I’m afraid to trust people and reveal how much I’m suffering because of that argument with 20 somethings friend.  But really he’s just doing what he’s always done and so is my sister and my case manager.

I’m trying to work on being able to make myself feel better and part of that is not letting the bad feelings stay or feeding them.  The other night I was starting to crash, so I went and got in my covers and snuggled not with anyone but just with tight soft blankets, my pillow, and Tigger.  I ended up taking a 2 hour nap, when I woke up I didn’t feel as bad but I also didn’t have much to do.  So instead of being bored and possibly letting those feelings creep back in, I went to bed for the night.

Update: 12/4/15 Contradictions and Different Parts of Me

4 Dec

Today I had my counseling session, it had been 2 weeks which is an anomaly, as we normally meet once a week.  I was hesitant about letting her know what had gone on in the last week and how unstable I felt.  I’d been pondering this morning whether to have her hospitalize me.  I have a lot of pressure coming up with school and finals.  There’s been a lot going on in my mind with regards to 20 somethings friend leaving and the transferring process.  Along with an argument that took place last weekend.

Part of me wanted to be taken care of and have an legitimate “excuse” do dodge out on my responsibilities with school.  Part wanted to self sabotage and just not take the tests and therefore violate the transfer agreement.  And I’m sorry to admit part of me just wanted to highlight how bad things really are.  But there honestly is a part of me that is scared I will actually do something serious.  Really only the last reason is a valid reason.

I made a commitment to stay safe, which included not self harming or self medicating.  I knew if I didn’t agree she would hospitalize me and she knew if I agreed- I’d keep up my end of the deal.  I’m appreciative that she made next weeks appointment a little earlier, so I only have 5 days to think about right now.  That was a little bit what the promises, promises post was about.

We talked about what had gone on and how I had reacted, I know my reactions were for the most part extremer than the situation called for, but I also showed some restraint and knew about logical consequences.  We talked about how the situations were stressful not only to me but would be to your average non-mentally ill person, and that made me feel a little better.

We also talked about how I go into that suicidal state and choose to stay there.  I don’t think I consciously choose to go there but I do let it stick around because it feels like a safe escape to me.  It comforts me.  We discussed how I need to make a choice to take that off the table.  I told her I wasn’t ready to, but I did say that I understood what she was trying to say.  I’m going to try and get there, but like on all things I kinda do it when I’m ready.  Like about 3 years and 1 month ago where I took self harm out of the equation.  I had to cope another way, I just decided.  I’ve only self harmed twice since.  I need to get there too with the suicidal thinking/planning.  I’m using my skills along side the thinking which is strange.  Maybe that’s how I neutralize it.


30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 10

8 Nov

30 day writing challenge

Day 10: Write about something for which you feel strongly.

I get very annoyed with people who judge others and think they are somehow better than others.  Especially when it comes to the way people choose to cope with their difficulties.  Most people think that a workaholic is better than an alcoholic, but odds are they are both spending a lot of time with something to avoid certain stress or feelings.  Same with people who use drugs.  I’m not saying their behavior is okay, but I think people need more compassion to look at why they choose to do these things, instead of judging them.  Also people who have given up destructive behavior should be praised more than they are.  It’s often only in an AA group where people will appreciate and recognize your days sober.  As with my self harm, there are only certain people who know how long it has been since I last self harmed (72 days if your curious) because people don’t talk about these accomplishments because they fear others will judge them.


My Wellness Box

30 Jul

The outside of the box.

The box had slits in it to let the magic out.

Bubble wrap to pop when frustrated.

Brain flex stress ball.

Smaller tigger from keychain. Soft to touch.

My Wellness Journal. Here’s a post with video on more about it.

An older “book of encouragement”

iPod and earphones with soothing and distracting songs. (Really helps with voices.)

Soap bar my case manager gave me for my birthday one year.

Smooth rock (self-soothe touch also good for grounding)

Labendar bath bubbles (self-soothe smell and relaxation in the tub)

Crisis numbers.

Bath salts (smell and relaxation)

Candle (self-soothe, smell; pleasing sight of flame,)

Smash activity book (distraction)

Raspberry sorbet gum (self soothe- taste)

Lavender fragrance oil. (Self soothe, smell)

My magic wand.

Ideas and extra comments to add to wellness journal.

I’m okayer now

30 Jul

Last night was rough.  I tried reaching out to 4 different people, then posted on my blog looking for someone to talk to.  While waiting I took 4 Valium and got out my Wellness box.  I didn’t text 20 something’s friend because his final is today and I knew he’d be working on homework.  He just happened to text me about school and I took it as a sign and talked with him a little while still looking through the box, until I calmed down.

It’s not like me to get that riled up about something.  I just feel like I have this pressure building inside me and when one thing starts to stress me out it’s the end of my world.  I’m happy I didn’t cut or do anything stupid last night, but frustrated that I had the urges over something I think I should be able to handle.  I know with BPD I’m more susceptible to abandonment and rejection along with intense interpersonal relationships.  I just feel like all the intensity is on my side.  I try not to be impulsive and act out, I control myself pretty good for the most part.  I use to be out of control so I can see the progress.  But why do I still have these unhealthy urges to do the same behavior as a teenager.  It makes me feel immature and childish but that’s just invalidating.

Anyways, I wrote a post on the FB group that I was stepping down as facilitator and that I was sorry.  I plan on making cards for the remaining facilitators to let them know what I like about them and the good I’ve had being a facilitator so far this year.  I don’t want to end on a sour key.

Coping or change? & Projecting the future

4 Jul

Tonight I had a 4th of July party with some of my friends from the 20 somethings group coming.  Last year’s party was out of this world and I was trying not to set myself up for disappointment this year.  I even debated having the party because I was sure it wouldn’t live up to last year.  And it didn’t but it was still a great party.  So I’m glad I had it.

There were a lot of couples at the party so that was interesting, but people mixed okay.  I felt a little awkward at points but that’s the norm with me.  Somehow and I think part way into a discussion people were talking about change and coping.  One guy was mentioning how he tends to be shy naturally but “changes” to be extroverted so he has friends.  Another person said this was coping.  I’m naturally an introvert and it takes a lot of energy and comfort to try and go to social events.  It’s easier if I’m hosting, that’s my way of meeting in the middle.  Just last session my case manager was talking about how I’m not naturally a social/extroverted/outgoing type of person and everyone (even her) has push me to be one.  Have I magically changed into one of those people from hosting and attending events?  Nope, I’m less anxious some times but I cope.  I do it because having a social network is important to me, whether the friends are on a more superficial level or a deep close friendship.  I do it because I know how easy it is for me to isolate myself and then feel even more lonely and depressed.  And I do it because that’s what I am “suppose” to do.

I’m not sure what will happen when I’ve run this course with my 20 somethings group.  In my age range people are more about settling down, starting families, or developing careers.  If I end up moving out with the girl, which a lot of stuff has to pend I expect I will still have some contact with people from group; even if I’m not attending regularly.  I don’t know how I feel about this yet.  I’m also not sure what will happen when 20 something’s friend moves, obviously we won’t be able to have as close as a friendship as we do now.  But it’s hard for me to think about trying to make a new best friend- I have high standards and tend to trust slowly.

But if I move out and start dating more seriously, maybe I’ll settle down and she will also fill that “best friend” role.  I know I am projecting things that are out of my control.  But thinking and planning ahead makes me less anxious.  So far I’ve asked 20 somethings friend and my sister what they think about the moving out possibility and have gotten their feedback.  Both seem to be positive with some reservations, each one being concerned about different things. This week I’ll be at the NAMI national conference so the week after that I will see my case manager and ask her opinion.  Then I’ll probably mull it over for another week before even presenting the proposition to the girl.  And it kind of frustrates me I’ll do all this and she may not even be interested.  But I have some back up people in mind…


20 Dec

My new medication regimen, the Viibryd in my opinion, has my sleep all thrown off.  Most days I take at least one nap sometimes for up to 4 hours.  I don’t feel drowsy or groggy just the need to sleep.  Fall asleep quickly during my naps and sometimes will sleep for hours if not waken.  I mentioned this to my psychiatrist and my intensive case manager and didn’t really get any results.  My psychiatrist said if anything it was the Latuda which hadn’t been adjusted in over a month.  Yesterday morning I woke up at 5am ready for the day and Thursday morning I woke up at 3am.  I probably took naps both days but I’m not routinely writing it down or anything.  This morning? afternoon I wake up nearly at 1pm.  I feel a little groggy and light headed.  My life works okay right now where I am functioning fine with an erratic sleep schedule.  It’s breaks in between school and my work is once a month and very flexible.  It makes me wonder though how I will do next semester with more classes.  I’ve tried a number of sleep hygiene things and my own ways to moderate sleep.  If I’m not sleepy and I lay in bed, my mind just goes everywhere for a couple hours till I get to sleep.  If I feel the need to sleep in the day but can’t because of obligations I drink a Red Bull or some Starbucks.