Tag Archives: college

Quarter winding down

19 Mar

Quarter is winding down at college.  I mentioned I signed up for 5 classes, which is a lot.  I was sorta manic and 3 classes last quarter didn’t keep me busy enough.  I’m not going to pass one, but I changed it from a graded class to a Pass-No Pass class.  This is the first time I’ve never passed a class in my life.  My identity and self-worth use to be so built around my intelligence I had a hard time once I started failing Greek, but I’ve sort of accepted it.  I have all A’s and B’s in my other classes.  I went to the NAMI Kick Off Luncheon Friday and they didn’t give me a star walker pin.  You get a star walker pin for raising over $1,000; I raised over $2,000 last year.  I actually had the courage to speak to one of the people in charge and they said they’s look into it.  I should mark off assertiveness on my DBT Skills list.

All my in class finals are tomorrow and a large paper is due by 5pm.  I should be working on it right now, but I’m not.  I have a hard time working on things unless it’s crunch time or I’m with other people who are working on things too.  I’ve taken 3 naps already today.  My not taking my medication as prescribed is catching up with me.  I haven’t been loading my pill chart, mostly out of laziness.  So I’ve only been taking 1/2 of my mood stabilizers and 1/2 my PTSD meds and my sleep has been off at night; therefore I’m sleeping more during the day.  Last night at 1am I took the extra meds I should normally take.  I need to load my pill chart today.

Next quarter will only be 3 classes, it will be less stressful.  Hopefully, busy enough to keep me motivated though.  Next week is spring break, 20 somethings friend is coming!  I’m so excited!

Failure & Stress

1 Feb

I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me.  I’m having a hard time with my classes, for the first time in my life.  I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable.  And roundy round goes the pattern.  I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now.  I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.

I don’t fail, or do I?

30 Jan

Feeling down.  Was feeling productive even good this morning.  Then got two disappointing grades and my mood just plummeted.  Actually thinking of dropping one of the classes.  Emotional me wants to drop out entirely, well out of life- but you get the picture.  My image for so long has been built on my academics, since I’m not able to work.  It’s either that or my mental illness when it prevents me from school. Ugh.

A needed update

11 Jan

Things are going well.  I’m into my 3rd day of the new quarter here in college.  I already like it much better than last quarter.  Taking more classes I thrive as the structure helps keep me accountable and busy- last semester there was just too much down time.  I bought a binder to begin wearing this year, when it came in the mail and I saw it I was like “Yikes!” it looked so small, especially around the stomach area.  I’ve been wearing it for 4 days now; usually only the first half the day while I’m in my classes.  There is some discomfort when walking and I can’t slouch, which may be a good thing.  But I really like the way I look.  I want to buy a few more, as I just bought one since they are sort of expensive and I wasn’t sure how I’d take to it.  The thing is it’s really hot, which is fine in this rainy wet weather we are having now, but what happens once hot summers come?  I also found new boxer briefs that don’t ride up and practically become like woman underwear.  I bought 4 more mens shirts and my dad just gave me some more money for the month.  I think I’ll buy another couple shirts.


My classes this semester are 2nd quarter Greek, 4th quarter Spanish, New Testament in Greek, Upper Division Writing, and Gender, Language and Society.  There are 5 classes but the New Testament class is just one hour, once a week.  I also have an ungraded connection that meets once a week around the common interest of being a Future grad student.  I’ll be pretty busy this quarter.

Counseling will probably be cut to every other week so I can go to gender group, also because I’m doing well right now.  If I start to have problems we may change apps to Friday or I may go later on Wednesdays and skip Gender group sometimes.  When I see the therapist at the end of the month I’m going to ask her AGAIN about when I will have a consult with the gender therapist, I know I was in crisis in November and then in December she had to cancel because she was sick but I’m running out of patience.  I just found out today my psychiatrist has a reminder set to have a phone appointment with me on the 20th, then we will talk about reducing the Latuda we had to increase at the end of November because of the psychotic symptoms.

Doing much better

30 Nov

Sine the increase of the Latuda I have been doing much better.  I’m still feeling the increase effects, so mind slow and sleepy so I am overcompensating with caffeine (Red Bull and Starbucks) unfortunately the increase had to be made the week before finals, but hey what can you do.  Probably in a week or two my body will just and I’ll no longer feel the mind slow or extra sleepiness and be able to lay off the extra caffeine, plus school will be out so not much will be going on anyways.

I’m worried about going back home for break.  Less structure usually means worsening of depression symptoms.  Being home means less experimenting with/exploring gender identity.  But there is more people looking at me, so I doubt I can stay too inactive and let myself fall apart too much.  I just don’t want to un-grow.

I haven’t needed the extra DBT skills since the Latuda increase, but have a feeling I’ll need them when I’m home on break.  I’ll still have my apartment so maybe some time I will come here to get away.  I hope to get off the extra Latuda by the end of January, but that may not be realistic- we’ll see once school starts up.

I attended a thing on different types of attraction yesterday that the LGBTQIA center put on yesterday for Asexual Awareness Day.  I’m trying to figure out things and for now I’m thinking gay grey A and biromantic.  I’m not sure how it will fit in with my gender identity and all that but for the most part I’m more attracted to women.  And I still identify more as woman if you make me chose a binary, but gender variant under the trans* umbrella otherwise.

27 Oct

The transphobic narrative from practically everywhere and the voices are teaming up, even though at this point I am coherent enough to know this it doesn’t help much.  Hearing voices in your head saying your baby nephew is going to die because of how you identify and the changes you are making in your life.  I’m not sure how far the psychosis will go, if I can bargain with it, even if I want to.  I took an extra half of my anti-psychotic so hopefully that helps and a Valium because the words were so upsetting.

I don’t know if I want to bring this up in counseling tomorrow, because I don’t want another reason for them to cross contaminate the gender identity with my legitimate mental illnesses and screw up my process and progress for transitioning.  I also don’t want to end up in the hospital before my last midterm, which is next Tuesday.  If the voices are still there in the am, I’m going to take another extra 1/2 of my anti-psychotic in addition to my regular dose I am still taking.

I wish I could get my studying done that needs to be done for tomorrow mornings midterm.  I wish I had someone to talk to.  All I can do now is wait and I have my ear phones in blasting music, blocking the voices till hopefully the meds kick in.   Then I can study, they don’t even have to go away completely, just I need to be calm enough to study and not as loud and distracting voices.


11 Oct

I’ve decided not to try to apply for the Women’s honor society at my college.  It’s too maligned with my gender and the gender identity issues that are going on right now.  I don’t want to dress up, I don’t want to play female and I don’t want to do this when I’m not sure how masculine I might be down the line.

It’s happening

11 Oct

It’s happening… I knew it would.  I’ve been falling into slumps on Sunday but so far have been managing to pull myself out of them.  This week it continued on Monday when I locked my keys in my apartment, was dismissed by my primary physician, and had 3 of my roommates go out to dinner w/o even saying anything to me.  I went to bed disappointed and woke up fully depressed.  I didn’t go to my first two classes today and just laid in bed and cried, no one notices here.  No one to push me out like at home.  I got up for the last one because she lectures so much and I just can’t miss that class.  It’s good I went we talked about the topic I’m writing my paper on.  It’s the 4th week, although I’ve been to many club and group meetings I’ve made no friends.  Two of my roommates talk to me sometimes, but I need to make the effort and I think they just don’t want to be rude and ignore me.  I like my classes and I’m busy with them and attending clubs but it’s like I thought, I haven’t made any friends.  I miss 20 somethings friend and I’m thinking about asking him if it’s okay if I go down their for my birthday weekend- my family will be gone anyways.  I spend time with them on the weekend or at planner events.  Hopefully this is just an off couple of days

World Mental Health Day 2016

10 Oct

Today is World Mental Health Day.  If you had told me a few years ago that I would be moved out from my parents house, going to a 4 year university and hadn’t been in the hospital for almost 2 years I would have thouworld-mental-health-day-10-october-earth-globe-in-handsght you had to be kidding me.  I am amazed at the progress I have made in the last two years.  With four official diagnoses, 8 prescription medications, and a few appointments a month I’ve managed to stay stable for the first time in 10 years.  My counseling appointments are decreasing from every week to every two weeks or sometimes three.  I have few self harming urges and while the suicidal thoughts still come and go; I don’t have the urge to act on them like I use to and tend not to ruminate.  I used to think that I would be trapped in my lower state of functioning for the rest of my life, I hung on mostly for other people and out of guilt.  Now (most times) I actually look forward to the future.  I anticipate flare ups and relapses, I know I have acute chronic illnesses.  But I am enjoying the moment and success I have right now.

College disABILITY fair, DSPS, and classmates

29 Oct

I’ve been up on the higher end of the mood spectrum for the last day and a half or so.  I am trying to take advantage of this extra energy while it lasts.  I have mentioned in a few posts at the beginning of the semester issues I had with my math professor and stigma and discrimination. I received a few comments that pretty much told me what he was doing was wrong (I knew that, but the validation was helpful) and that I should go to the school or local government.  I wasn’t in a place then where I could do that and was also worried about retaliation from my teacher.  Even though I do a lot of advocacy type awareness on this blog, I am more of a behind the scenes girl in real life.  I don’t like confrontation or tension and often settle or allow myself to be mistreated because it just isn’t worth it to me.

Well I noticed that the college disABILITY fair was today and that I had this extra energy and my math professor may be having someone take over the class sue to HIS medical issues (how’s that for karma) and took it as a sign that this was time to act.  Last night I researched the American’s with Disabilities Act especially in regards to higher education/post secondary education.  I didn’t want to look like an idiot when approaching the school.  I also looked up the wording on our college website’s program for disabled students (DSPS) and thought about printing the e-mail from math teacher, which I have saved but decided not to.  Both DSPS and the local psychiatric hospital I go to had booths at the fair, coincidentally right next to each other.  I went over to the DSPS booth and had an interesting and lengthy conversation with the man running the booth.

I talked about how I had applied for services in the past and my concerns about the college having the policy that it is up to individual instructors.  He said in his opinion that wasn’t right, he was a real nice guy.  I asked about going above just what DSPS tells me about putting on my paper a “recommendation” to allow me to make up exams or in class projects if hospitalized.  He explained to me the formal and informal way to do it and the benefits of each way.

I asked about showing the paperwork at the beginning of the semester which is what you are generally suppose to do, to get a note-taker or test taking accommodations because they are needed to known ASAP.  He suggested not showing the paperwork unless needed, since I don’t get hospitalized each semester and sometimes it’s not even needed. He understood that just showing the paperwork can give professors a stereotype and it isn’t necessary.  Did I mention I really liked this guy? He seemed to get everything.

We talked about the new policy going into effect in the fall of 2014 and if you have over 90 college units in the district that you no longer had priority registration and had to wait for open enrollment and this even applied to DSPS and other students in programs that generally have priority registration.  I talked about how I thought it was wrong because in my case I couldn’t attend anything other than a community college with my disability and resources and how it was healthy for me.  Of course being only to really attend community college has caused me to rack up units where I won’t be eligible for priority enrollment anymore.  He said that it is unfair about taking priority enrollment away from DSPS and that this is a “community” college and should be for all community members.  He says that the school is trying to work around it by putting in your DSPS accommodations for priority enrollment, so I will need to remember that for when Fall semester comes.

I asked about going to other colleges in the district and if I needed to file for services at each school or if it was district wide.  I’m hoping to take French next semester and it’s not offered at this college I usually attend.  He suggested to take my DSPS paperwork from this school to the other and they will probably just duplicate it for their school and put it in their system.  I hope so, getting paperwork from my insurance provider is a pain.

So very successful and promising!

While in my math class the girl sitting next to me was talking to another classmate about how getting a service dog “was soooo easy.”  She said she had depression, I heard her say something about having a hard time getting out of bed some days and some other stuff along with the other student joking about the dog saying “take your medication.”  This irked me.  I think service dogs and/or support dogs are a great thing, and can really help some people.  I don’t know this girls personal story and if she is someone who truly needs a trained service/support dog or would do just as well with a pet, but it seemed like option 2.  Also the way she was talking to the other classmate it gave off the impression… “just get diagnosed with depression and they give you a free dog and it’s so cool and easy.”  BTW: there was a service dog booth at the disABILITY fair which may have sparked this conversation, and she does not bring her dog to class.

It has been suggested I apply for a service/support dog because the benefit of taking care of Dexter and Tobias.  But at the time I had Dexter and even though he wasn’t my full time dog he was a lot of work and my parents don’t want me to have my own dog because they have a cat.  Moving out and that Dexter has passed on I may get one in the future.  Or maybe just a pet not sure what I would need and I don’t want to take advantage of a service that may be more helpful or a necessity for someone else.  I’m not one of those people that tries to get ever thing I can out of my illness, I actually decline most of the accommodations DSPS offers because I don’t feel I need a note-taker or extra test time, sure it’s be cool but I don’t need it and don’t feel right about having it.