Tag Archives: childhood

Adults on the Autistic Spectrum

2 Feb

It’s been one of those days, one of those weeks.  Where I’m frustrated that I don’t have an ASD diagnosis because I didn’t fit the criteria as a kid.  It’s been fucking with my functioning this week.  I’ve messed up a few social cues.  And I’m curious.  I have some Aspergers followers out there or people on the Spectrum that “cope” and appear normal enough.  I don’t mean this to come off rude, I know they took aspergers out of the DSM5 thats why I want to cover aspergers and the spectrum but I’m mostly referring to more of the higher functioning people who for lack of a better word pass as normal most time.

That’s me.  And I know the goal after you get an ASD diagnosis is therapy to help cope with daily living and be able to live productively, get social skills, don’t have meltdowns, learn to deal with sensory issues, etc. etc.   I just don’t understand that if I was forced to do this as a kid because of a chaotic home environment how I can’t have the diagnosis.  I essentially learned most the skills they try to teach out of necessity.  Now on my own, I’ve regressed a bit plus I’m managing a bunch of other shit so honestly I don’t have the energy for all that normative passing stuff.  But I’m still upset that the doctor won’t give me the diagnosis because as a child I didn’t meet the criteria till i was 11 or so.




16 Jan

A conversation well rant my sister had the other day has been on my mind lately.  I guess my dad was at her house and was doing his thing where he makes fun of people and calls them a baby and all that to the neighbor kid that was at her house.  He did this to me growing up all the time, to various degrees.  Anyways, when the neighbor kid left I guess my sister just exploded at my dad about how it’s not his place to be harsh like that and how it’s one of his major short comings and how he’s such a bully.  How he was being a bully and all this that and the other including being cruel, harsh, negative, critical, and a coward.  Anyways, eventually my dad was like “Well, it’s just the neighbor kid and he needs to man up and it doesn’t matter.”  And my sister said “What about Marci, well how did that work out for you” and I guess then there was awkward silence.

I’ve always seen my dad as being verbally and emotionally abusive, but as a bully and “cruel” not till it was brought up the other night.  I guess I should bring up this with my case manager or the therapist.

All over the place

30 Jun

My mood has kinda been all over the place lately and mostly reliant on other people or me level of boredom.  Which isn’t healthy.  Sometimes it’s not.  I’m kinda excited about starting summer school and the whole transition of moving out and transferring to UC Davis, but I try not to think about it to much because I don’t want to get overwhelmed.  Since I’m only taking one class this summer and it doesn’t start till August 1st, I was thinking about delving into some help type things I’ve been avoiding like maybe looking into talking about gender identity (though it isn’t bothering me too much right now) or looking into ACOA groups, again it’s not bothering me too much.  I guess things don’t have to be really difficult at the time to bother you, if you still know they are an issue.  I know when school starts up, it will be too crazy.  I’m interested to see what this ASD eval has to say.  I was talking to 20 something friend today about relationships and meeting people and how I don’t have skills and sometimes no interest and he was talking about like an ASD group or something.  I don’t know if that exists and technically I don’t know if I have a diagnosis or will.  I know in the past from being friends with others with BPD it was a mistake and caused a lot of drama.  I know I was trying not to look up info on ASD until I heard from the doctors, but I wanted to know what the new DSM5 had to say about it as I heard they were doing away with Aspergers and that’s most likely what I think I would be diagnosed with.  I was not surprised to find I met most the criteria but then that it said it had to be ruled out for schizophrenia, so I wonder if they will roll all the “social functioning” issues I have under the schizo in schizoaffective and then have the sensory issues in the Sensory Processing Disorder and just kind of ignore the other weird quirks like delayed sexuality, poor motor skills, my fixations, routines and problems with change.  So many questions and probably few will get answered.

Boundaries and fear

3 Jun

A few days ago me and my dad got into it.  It was just like every other time.  It was over something petty, it involved him calling me names, screaming at me and cussing at me.  But there were a few things different this time.  I didn’t cry hysterically immediately in front of him, I didn’t automatically apologize for all of my behavior to placate him.  And when he said he was sorry, I said if he was sorry, maybe he should try to work on trying not to do this anymore.  When he said it was because he loved me and he cared about me, I flipped internally- hello the definition of abuse.  I said there you go again the “old dog” and “just the way you are” and then I ran off to my room and started crying.  This type of behavior has been going on since I was a child, minus me sticking up for myself somewhat.  And it just really clicked what it was, what it is.  And I don’t understand how he can justify it as “love” and “care.”  After I stood up for myself I was practically shaking in fear, I’m still somewhat afraid but it’s been 3 days so it’s mostly subsided.  My case manager thinks I’m afraid I’m going to hit him or lash out in anger towards him.  Really I’m afraid of retaliation from him, not that he’ll hit me.  I don’t think he’d do that, but more sudle emotional ways or something.

It really helps

18 Apr

Sometimes I fear writing out my thoughts, feelings, urges, or behaviors because their “wierd”. Or I feel so strange and then I get comments from bloggers who feel the same way or who have had similar struggles. I get comments of people who wish they could help. Reminds me why I blog.

Lately I’m still confounded by this ASD evaluation that may continue this week. I have made another list of “strange” behaviors to show the therapist. Thing is it’s a kid diagnosis. I don’t remember being a kid. I don’t trust my parents evaluation of me as a kid. I almost wonder if I could of developed something on the spectrum as a teenager but that’s not the way it works. It’s developmental. Well we will see how it goes this week.

Are you my mommy?

23 Mar

Today in counseling we talked mostly about my visit to San Diego State University.  I went over the pros and cons I posted on my last blog and talked about how I felt like no one was supporting me in even considering SDSU as a choice.  I also was generally talking about family and spring break, so it came up about my sisters.  Lil sis’ 30th birthday is Friday and she always jokes that March is her birth month and whenever she wants anythings shes says, “but it’s my birth month.”  So I’ve been celebrating her whole birth month with gifts and surprises.  Monday I drove up there and surprised her with an edible arrangement at work, I stayed the night and made her gluten free cookies and gave her some matching necklaces I had bought.  She is a dental assistant, so Tuesday I went and had a dental exam and my teeth cleaned, we went to lunch and then I drove home.  My other sister is pregnant and the family isn’t very supportive, for their various reasons.  I’m making her a pre-pregnancy smash book.  Right now I’m keeping track of dates and stuff she says.  I even downloaded the same app so I can keep track of the size of the baby and how far she is along.  My case manager said how I was like a mom to them, or mothering them or something.  I made some joke about how someone had to do it and just like when we were kids. (Because of my mom’s drinking and just coldness in general)  Then she mentioned how I never had a mom, and how they (my psych team tried to fragmentally try to mother me unsuccessfully) and how I seemed to do it for myself.  I think I kinda disagree, but whatever.

Anyways, strange enough I get home and we are having a family dinner.  Dad’s actually home and my sister and her husband are over.  My sister is talking about a First Five commercial that talks about the importance of talking and reading and singing to your kids for brain development; and how she talks so much so it will be great and her kid will be so smart.  She jokes something to my mom, whose standing next to her about how they must have talked to me a lot since I’m a genius, and she laughs and then says yep and then she could read so we didn’t need to talk, sing, or read to you or lil sis.  Yet another reminder (evidence) I mothered my two sisters, even from a young age.  And everyone accepts this and normal.

When do I get to be mothered?

It’s 5am and I need someone to talk to

6 Mar

Couldn’t sleep, that’s the mixture of red bull (energy drinks) and psych meds (plus a little more psych meds than you are suppose to be taking).  Now my minds rollin’ in all kinds of directions.  Excited about the possible opportunity at San Diego State but wondering about the comfort and security of UC Davis.  Still got that ASD evaluation taking a lot of space up in my mind.  People have asked me if it changes anything, and I don’t know how to explain the answer.  Anyways, I was just playing a mock interview in the bath tub a couple minutes ago.  I hope they don’t ask me about my childhood because I don’t remember much of that and I really don’t want to get my parents involved in this or for them to even know the outcome, either way or that I had the assessment.

I found out just after midnight I’m about a week late for both community colleges for petitioning to graduate in the spring, so I guess it looks like my AA degrees will say on them Fall 2016.  I’m going to talk to both colleges Monday, I swear a faculty member told me to petition early March but I doubt that will grant me any lee way.  It’s a good thing that I don’t need those degrees for either transfer college, because I did put it in my UC Application Essay, that I’d have them by Spring 2016.  Where is my time machine?!?  Bad memory sucks, wish I could blame ECT for all this…

30 Days of Writing Challenge: Day 18

25 Nov

30 day writing challenge

Day 18: Post 30 facts about yourself.

  1. I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a very pale complexion.
  2. I misspelled complexion on the last post and often misspell words
  3. I got an answer wrong on my linguistics exam because I used the first letter of the word instead of the letter “k” assigned to it, it was a matching exercise.  I do stuff like this often and wonder if I have some kind of learning disability.
  4. I never spelled parents correctly until I started working at the child care.
  5. I have 80+ Electro Convulsive Therapy (shock therapy) in my early 20s
  6. At age 25 I had a surgical device put in that was suppose to help treatment resistant depression, this and the removal of it are the only surgeries I’ve had in my life.
  7. I’m terrible with my oral hygiene yet have the best teeth in my family.
  8. I was born left handed but my mom converted me because she thought being left handed would be harder in a right handed world.
  9. My first suicide attempt was at age 10.
  10. My first psych meds were imipramine and trazadone at age 11.
  11. I have an obsession with collecting things, but I wouldn’t call myself a hoarder.
  12. I was suppose to be a twin, but my twin miscarried.
  13. I have two sisters and to each of them I am their favorite sister.
  14. I repeated the 5th grade and was homeschooled part of 5th grade the first time around.
  15. In 8th grade I was dismissed from PE because I had a tendency to pass out, and had passed out at school.
  16. I tried to drop out of high school my senior year, but ended up finishing on independent study.
  17. I like my toes, I think they’re my favorite part of my body.
  18. I was underweight because of having ulcerative colitis as a child so for awhile I was on steroids.
  19. I have absolutely no memory before age 10, very little from 10-12, 13-15 missing big gaps,15-18 again missing big gaps. 18-25 the worst of it (also the time period when I had the ECT treatments)  My memory is still impacted and I wonder how much is trauma related and how much ECT related.
  20. I had serious treatments for depression including ECT, the VNS surgery, and 25+ medications I had tried before ever being hospitalized.
  21. I’ve been hospitalized probably over 20 times by now.
  22. This year in October was the longest (1 year) I had gone with out being hospitalized in 10 years, and 10 years ago and prior I had never been hospitalized.
  23. I’ve changed my major probably 10 times.
  24. I’ve been to 6 different colleges and how have 182 units but only have an associated degree.
  25. I know 5 languages: Spanish, English, American Sign Language, Italian and some French.
  26. I still live with my parents and have most of my adult life.
  27. Thanksgiving is one of my least favorite holidays; I don’t like turkey and constantly feel the pressure to be grateful.
  28.  My favorite number is 4 and my favorite color is purple.
  29. I sometimes appreciate my psych diagnoses.
  30. I walked a half marathon a few years ago, but hate exercise.  First and last time but I can cross it off my bucket list.

Resource: Emotional Abuse

1 Oct

One definition of emotional abuse is: “any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault ♦, humiliation ♦, intimidation ♦, infantilization ♦, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity♦, dignity♦, and self-worth.♦”1

Emotional abuse is also known aspsychological abuse or as “chronic verbal aggression♦” by researchers. People who suffer from emotional abuse tend to have very low self-esteem ♦, show personality changes (such as becoming withdrawn) ♦ and may even become depressed ♦, anxious ♦ or suicidal♦.

Emotional Abuse Signs and Symptoms

Emotional abuse symptoms vary but can invade any part of a person’s life. Signs of emotional abuse include:

  • Yelling or swearing (read about: Emotional Bullying)
  • Name calling or insults; mocking
  • Threats and intimidation
  • Ignoring or excluding
  • Isolating
  • Humiliating
  • Denial of the abuse and blaming of the victim

Emotional abuse, like other types of abuse, tends to take the form of a cycle.2 In a relationship, this cycle starts when one partner emotionally abuses the other, typically to show dominance. The abuser then feels guilt, but not about what he (or she) has done, but more over the consequences of his actions. The abuser then makes up excuses for his own behavior to avoid taking responsibility over what has happened. The abuser then resumes “normal” behavior as if the abuse never happened and may, in fact, be extra charming, apologetic and giving – making the abused party believe that the abuser is sorry. The abuser then begins to fantasize about abusing his partner again and sets up a situation in which more emotional abuse can take place.

More information on: Dynamics of Emotional Abuse in Relationships.

Information from Emotional Abuse: Definitions, Signs, Symptoms, Examples

Seems very familiar other than the last sentence about the abuser fantasizing about abusing the person again.  I don’t think that necessarily happens/ed

I don’t really understand

28 Sep

Today was counseling and I was trying to give her the round up of what happened since I saw her last.  That’s how things usually start.  And normally when she asks how I am I say up and down…. which is usually accurate.  Last night I was really low and suicidal, she asked how I deal with things and that she doesn’t understand how I can deal with so much for as long as I do.

Right now I got I think she counted 6 stressors going on, though I disagree and have some lumped together.  The main 3 are planning on transferring plus all that that encompasses, friendship with 20 somethings friend, and hosting a Halloween party.  When I didn’t want to work on the stressful things Sunday I decided to organize this party.  I use to be real good at putting things in boxes and coming and going to them on my terms.  Lately it seems things can’t be contained and that’s what happened with the overwhelming yesternight.  She says she thinks my relationship with 20 somethings friend is the safest so that’s why I focus on it so much.  She also said that alone with what’s going on in my world it’s not surprising that I didn’t feel connected.

So she gave me some metaphor of those guys that are spinning multiple plates at a time and spin one when you need to so it doesn’t fall but how to switch back and forth between them mostly at my choosing.  But needing to focus on them, that’s the problem the anxiety gets too big and I find a new project to focus on which then brings new stress.  So I’m suppose to focus on the things I got going know and not add ones.  The other ones are dealing with my two current classes, adding another school to the possibilities (though I think that should fall under transferring umbrella) and family stuff including my dad’s birthday but I didn’t count that either because it has passed.  Oh yeah and the flashback trigger.  Someone can’t count.

I expressed my frustration at not being able to give myself credit for doing the little things I am doing that I’ve never really done before.  I keep seeing them as “little things” that I “should” have already been doing anyways, plus all the other things I need to catch up on.  This is like the stuff talked about in adulting.  Today was suppose to be filled with grandiose plans, plans I made last week but told no one of.  After last nights go I thought I would try to practice self compassion and just make the only things I had to do the counseling appointment and my linguistics class.