Tag Archives: bored

Independence thoughts

10 Aug

About a week ago I moved out of student housing into a duplex.  I’m sharing the duplex with 2 of my roommates from student housing apartments but they are not moving in until Sept 20.  I like the independence but it’s also a bit lonely and I’m trying to get use to that without letting it send me into a depression or a series or a negative thought loop I can’t get out of.  A few times I’ve just had to leave.

Tonight I was laying in bed and able to stay in a neutral state for quite longer than I expected.  I have messaged some friends, but so far no one has responded.  They weren’t desperate messages and I’m not desperate and hope not to go there.  I have a mini list of things in my head to do to keep me from falling off the deep end.

I just wonder if I can do this for a month and a half?  If it will get easier, or what?

I feel like I’m losing you…

13 Jul

As I wrote yesterday, I am still feeling disconnected and empty but not as sad or apathetic.  I’ve been REALLY bored since I’ve been back of my week of adventures.  I’m feeling disconnected from the blogging community, the three people I care about in life, and even people I don’t.  Feeling disconnected is scary because it makes it okay to go.  One of the main reasons I try to stay alive is for certain people in my life.  When the connection is weak or strained, I get really dysregulated.  I’m not sure what I’ll do when people move on, but I’m trying not to worry about that.  With this lack of connection I am back looking at my life how it was a few years ago and it seems I have regressed.  I’m just laying in bed all the time, occasionally getting up to eat a bowl of cereal or out to eat.

Hopefully, the feeling is on it’s way out.  Tomorrow 20 something’s friend is coming over while he gets his car worked on.  I know he still has a lot of homework to do, but maybe even just being around someone even if we can’t fully interact because he has his stuff to do- it might help.  My sister and I are suppose to go to a place and jump on the trampoline.  And Wednesday I see my case manager for the first time in 3 weeks.  Hopefully this feeling doesn’t stay.

Boredom: What do I do?

3 Jan

When most people think of boredom, they probably just think of sitting around with nothing fun to do or no specific plans.  As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, boredom is a very difficult emotion and it brings self destructive thoughts and behaviors.  I’ve remembered self harming in the past because “I didn’t have anything else to do” also because since I didn’t have anything to keep me occupied my brain ran away with itself getting me more worked up.  It may seem extreme and I don’t think I’m the only one.  I knew a girl with BPD who ripped out wrist staples from a suicide attempt because she was bored.  I know others mention an intolerance of being bored because thoughts and feelings seem to overtake them.  On top of this I currently have a headache, so my moods not great anyways.  My dad is gone and my mom doesn’t like to go out.  My sister is out with her husband on one of his first days off.  I’ve been working on my SMASH journal most of yesterday and part of today and am just running out of inspiration.  I can’t sleep and friends aren’t returning messages.  What do I do?

Bored

28 Nov

Really bored right now. I suppose I could be doing my homework. I’ve gotten some stuff done today. This week is just thrown off with the holiday. Plus last week I was so busy. And busy is good. Too much time to think and the loneliness sets in when I have nothing to do. Just put some music on and maybe I’ll do something I just don’t want to bug anyone and today has been all solo activities already.

Thanksgiving

27 Nov

Thanksgiving is over. The plans changed a couple times even this morning. My grandpa and uncle cancelled last night but ended up coming today. So we had to take a family photo. With all the family around I was really feeling like I couldn’t do anything right and being bitched at. I’m thinking about scrapbooking since I’m bored and laying in bed probably isn’t good.

On a roll

5 Nov

The last couple days have provided some struggles but I worked though them.  Yesterday morning I woke to an unpleasant dream and had to concentrate and purposely try not to let that start off my day wrong.  I did okay though I struggled with boredom and loneliness.  Towards the end of the evening I could feel my mood dropping even more so I texted my sister and we took the dog for a walk.  When I got home 20 something’s friend had text me and I went over there for awhile which helped with the loneliness feelings and I even got a bit of homework done.  I ended up not being able to sleep that night but I resisted from taking a Valium and just tossed and turned for awhile.  When my alarm went off to go to Pride Days events for extra credit assignments I decided to stay home instead.  I didn’t beat myself up for it and that’s surprising.  Today I did some blogging, went to lunch with my mom, read some, and thought about my childhood trying to piece things together or make a general timeline.  Usually days where I do a lot of thinking tend to get me in a downward spiral or just upset, today wasn’t like that.  If things seemed to be getting to much, I’d just change my focus and do something else.  I have class in the am and then 5 days off before going back to school on my birthday.

Feeling alone

4 Nov

Feeling alone and bored tonight. The house is so quite when my dad’s gone. I’ve tried reading but the book is just annoying me. I’ve looked on Facebook and read all my blogs. It’s only 6:30pm and I’m wondering if I should just go to bed for the night. I feel the weight of depression more when I’m alone. These times also bring me back to childhood.

Feeling disconnected

1 Nov

I managed to stay up all day today.  The day seemed to drag on and I see myself in a tetter-tottery type of mood.  I didn’t self medicate just to go to sleep and I didn’t just lay in bed either.  I talked to my sister about how I was a little worried about my appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday; she was explaining her perception of how I am doing to me.  It’s always interesting to hear other’s perspectives.  My dad left early this morning for a long vacation trip that goes through my birthday- the fact he’ll be gone on my birthday doesn’t bother me.  Just not sure how well I will do with just me and my mom for 20 days.  I’m bored.  I have family friend’s 30th birthday party to go to in a half hour, I doubt I’ll stay long since they’ll all be drinking and it’s my sister’s friends.  Feeling disconnected.

Coping skills

3 Jun

coping skills

I was trying to find the original one that I took and edited to link back… I know it was a fellow blogger so if you want to comment I can link back to your original coping skills.  So in saying that I took this image someone had done and personalized it for me, getting rid of some things, adding others, and some staying exactly the same.

How I wish I could rest

7 Apr

It’a boring Sunday, with not much to do.  I already took a bath and finished reading Life of Pi.  I ate breakfast and specifically asked my mom if she wanted to make blintz before I ate my bowl of Kix.  She said no, I ate then got into the bath.  In the bath I heard the blender, I initially thought she was making a Body by Vi shake but it kept going.  She decided to make the blintz, I asked her to make some just plain crepes for me.  After the book, I got out of the bath it was around noon.  Me and my sister are supposedly going for a walk this afternoon but I doubt it will happen.  I didn’t wash up in the bath and put back on my pjs.  I went and ate some crepes, I wasn’t that hungry I had Kix and two small bowls of ice cream already today.  There was nothing else to do and I like crepes.  I went to lay down, I’ve mentioned before how I can’t lie down anymore.  I don’t know why this is but it is very frustrating.  I just get incredibly anxious my stomach starts churning.  I try to relax, sometimes breathe, just be still.  I can’t.  I tried to put on some music in the background thinking it might help it didn’t.  I can only lay down to sleep after I have taken medication or cried an excessive amount.  It is good in some ways as I no longer sleep the day away but I think it’s more negative.  The moment I don’t have something occupying me and many times when I do; I go into these anxious states, my stomach churns, my mind speeds up with all the craziness.  I really don’t have it in me to read anymore today, life of Pi was a long book and I probably read 200 of the pages this morning.  I am appreciative of my comments I woke up to this morning, for some reason comments on my blogs always make me feel a little better.  I don’t think I can sit with knitting today, maybe before I attempted to lay down I could have but now I am too keyed up.  I asked my dad to do something, he knows I’m struggling.  He said what I said maybe mini-golf or going out to eat, though I am not hungry and probably don’t need to eat anymore.  I just go to do something, be in some environment with stimulus   It’s odd as I normally need solitude with all my issues socializing and just being out in the world exhausts me.  I can do it for short periods of time, a couple hours, but if I have constant events I feel the need to hibernate afterwards to gather back up all the energy.  I want to be around people, it helps distract and is sometimes even fun.  It seems when there are people around and stuff to be done, it’s a time where I need my solitude and don’t have an interest in socializing or the energy and then when I need the distraction everyone is already doing something or they’re in a mood that will just trigger me.  Dad said the neighbors were asking about going to eat, we can do that though neither of us are hungry.  Maybe bowling or min-golf or something and then later eat.  I wish I could “just be” and adapt to whatever environment I’m in.  If socialization was needed I’d want to and it would be effortless.  If other people were busy I could sit in quiet solitude, read, or do some other solo activity.  Maybe a new goal to add to the list, be able to be okay in my environment more.