Tag Archives: back 2’s

Update 9/7/17

7 Sep

Things have been so -so the last week, before that it was chaos.  The back 2s (voices) came back for a go.  I was having flashback symptoms.  Bad dreams.  And mood swings like nothing.

I’m still having bad dreams but their not trans related more abandonment related and BPD stuff.  My mood has stabilized out and my case manager is probably right it was missing my hormones for 2 days (4 doses).  The flashbacks are less frequent but there still there.  The other night it was bad enough I had to take my bracelets and fitbit off.  The voices subsided, not sure why or what not but I’m just glad.

20 somethings friend is coming to visit in less than a week so I’m excited about that.  It turns out with my fall schedule I can still help babysit my nephew on Mondays like I’ve been doing this summer, so I’m excited about that.

GRE bootcamp has started and it’s a lot of work.  I’m now glad I have a 1/2 day tomorrow because I have an appointment with my case manager.  Next week I’ll be taking a friend from gender group to SF for an appt so I’ll do a 1/2 day or take the full day off, so looking forward to another break again.

Sometimes life is so frustrating

16 Dec

I know that I have a lot of issues and most of them are modge-podged.  When I get stressed out of triggered, different symptoms present themselves.  It’s frustrating because it seems like to me there is something underneath that needs to be processed, but I don’t know what it is or how to access it.  So I continue to do damage control when the symptoms surface.  Living life seems to be about crisis management and I’m sick of it.  But I don’t know what to do.  I can’t “pick” something arbitrary and not know if it is it or not.  Also I get the impression that if there is something to work on or process, it’s about doing only that thing and working on only that!  I have 4 diagnosable mental illnesses and many of symptoms that aren’t prevalent enough to have a current diagnosis of them.  It’s like working on the voices, even that there are 4 sets of voices (if you count the externals)!  Everything seems so insurmountable!

Yesterday I took the extra Latuda because one of the main things that was bothering me was the voices.  It was two of the sets along with how I was reacting to what they were saying.  I put on my loud music and just tried to drown them out, I haven’t had to do that since starting the Latuda almost two years ago.  I know there was triggers and multiple of those too.  My question is do I even bother bringing it up in counseling Friday.  Part was trigger from a news story on FB, it being finals time, family issues (including feeling like it was left up to me to celebrate her birthday since everyone else had plans) and random past PTSD things.  Along with the voices I was getting visions too, which I guess can be explained as flashes of a scene as an visual hallucination, they go away pretty fast less than 30 seconds usually.  I don’t want to go back to the hospital.  I don’t want to have to increase my daily dosage of Latuda.

Sometimes life is so frustrating.


25 May

Sometimes when the voices get real bad (usually the back 2s) I have to disconnect or dissociate sometimes to have a meeting where I am the judge. I even have a gavel. My case manager has asked me where I go a couple times and I say no where or stare blankly because I think it’s weird.

Protected: Where to start

24 May

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Protected: To be honest

20 May

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Protected: What to work on.

20 May

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Ahhhh… Relief

20 May

I knew today would be a challenging day.  2 Final exams and a couple of conversations I was terrified of having.  Well the day started good with a good parking spot.  I am one of those people who look for “signs” and believe in silly things like not stepping on cracks in sidewalks.  So I thought good parking spot = potentially good day.  It was.

I (think I) did better on math test than I thought I would.  It was easier than I thought and only one question I was totally lost on and at least for it I put down a couple words.  In between finals I checked my grade and finally my Italian grade was posted, I got an A!!! 🙂  My Human Sexuality final was harder than anticipated, I didn’t know a lot of male anatomy or STIs both things I’ve had little exposure too.

My counseling session went real well, even though it was about 45 minutes late.  I read her all the blog posts from Saturday night and Sunday, I also read her the sum up post.  She was very proud of me for not cutting, and I’m proud of myself too.  It wasn’t really for me that I didn’t cut but even being able to use other people as reasons hadn’t been effective in the past.  I foresee in the future being able to not self harm just for my own reasons/purpose.  I also finished reading her part of a blog post that I wrote last week.  I was weary because I want to work on some tough things and I wasn’t sure if she would work with me or not.  I felt like I needed to know today because if she wouldn’t I might try to work with the therapist on one of them, and I see her tomorrow.  She says I’ve resolved issues that 7 years ago (how long I’ve been seeing her) I never would have thought possible.  And I’ve started with the easier of the difficult ones and if she thinks I’m ready she is willing to work with me.  Now I need to decide which one, I think the voices because it’ll be easier for me (potentially) and if the other issue comes up more I can address it as it does.  I finally feel like maybe I can get some closure on things, even if I don’t get clear answers.

I was also going to have dinner with 20 something’s friend and was going to mention somethings about him moving and if/how our friendship would continue.  I was relieved by the answers and it seems if I continue to put effort into the friendship he will continue to reciprocate even if it’s further apart.  I also mentioned my maybe idea of moving to San Diego, not sure what he thought about that.  It wouldn’t be just him I’d be moving for, I want to get out of this house and have my own life, if only for a little while.  Majors I am thinking about would be available at just about any school and UCSD has a BA in LGBT studies which sounds interesting.  I haven’t done much looking into it because it’d be a couple years to finish my math I’m working on.  Also I don’t want to get hyped up for something that may not happen.

I feel exhausted from the stress I was feeling with these 4 things going on today, but all went well so I’m glad.  I feel like my communicating skills are getting better.

Feedback: Voices

16 May

I’ve heard voices for sometime and they come in sets.  I have usually tried to ignore all the voices except the back 2s because they were nice, neutral, or narrating most the time.  Arguing with the side voices would just aggravate them and they’d get louder and more convincing.  Both those sets of voices are no longer around.  However, the back 2s are still here, and I’m not even 100% sure what they are, why they come and go, and why they don’t seem to respond much to anti-psychotics.  A friend suggested maybe I talk to them.  I was always afraid to, because it makes them seem more real, and me more crazy.  I’m also afraid I will get caught up in their reality and lose mine.  Plus some of the stuff they say is scary, confusing, or dangerous.  The most I really interact with them is saying I’ll compromise and then doing part of what they say, so they’ll be quieter.  I’ve once or twice wrote a dictation of what they say on this blog.


For those that hear voices, do you talk to yours?  Why or why not?

Even if you don’t hear voices, what is your thoughts on talking to them?


Thanks for your feedback.

Protected: Past my breaking point

7 May

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7 May

We did not want to work with her and she doesn’t want to work with us.  Now it’s game on!