Tag Archives: back 1s

Safety plans in place

20 Nov

Safety plans in place, and I guess I got my psychiatrist all worried.  So I saw my case manager on Friday and told her legit what was going on, and also that I was NOT going to go to the hospital.  I told her I told the therapist what was going on but not how bad it was, because she doesn’t know me as well and probably would’ve hospitalized me based on my symptoms.  I wrote my psychiatrist a message earlier in the week about my symptoms and he talked to my case manager and the therapist and he’s all freaked out and made an appointment for me next Friday.  My case manager was talking about how he was invested in me and worried, lol.  I think he’s just frustrated we found some meds that finally worked and now they’re now working again.  My sister is holding on to my extra pills, so I don’t have them at my apartment- I’ve been extra suicidal so that’s part of me trying to be safe.  I also put a Trans crisis line in my cell phone.  My case manager reminded me she’ll be off this week for thanksgiving, but to feel free and call for an emergency appointment the next week and she’ll get me in.  Although I gave my sister the extra pills, I put in my chart some extra PRN of Latuda (my anti-psychotic) and Valium in case the voices get to bad and I need to calm down.  Just 3 more weeks of school to get through.  Then 5 weeks of vacation, and I don’t care if I have to go to the hospital then- I mean I prefer not to but it’s a hell of a lot better than missing finals.  Hopefully during winter break the symptoms let up, or I can adjust.

Quiet

7 Nov

It’s been interesting lately.  And of course by interesting I mean a combination of hard, no one knows what is going on, and yet I keep my head above water.  I’ve given hints, but some family reads this and I worry what they will think- but I started this for me.  About a week ago my nephew was born, about a week and three days ago I started to transition in wearing male clothing and bought boxer briefs and switched my jeans into male ones (though I’m still having trickiness with sizing.)  The voices came back soon, they said the baby was going to die unless I went back and stopped making my changes.  The voices were the back 1s, the voices that used to be the constant companions, not the episodic side voices like usual.  Also the back 1s in the past have been positive, negative, neutral, or narrating so this was interesting that they came back for this to take a stance.  I didn’t listen and added coping skills and increased my anti-psychotic.  Unfortunately it was during midterms, otherwise I may have just went into hospital for respite/relief.  I had actually taken extra Latuda the night before and morning of a Greek midterm and managed to still get a B, with double dose in me and active voices.  My case manager thinks the voices are back because of my sister having the baby and that they want ME to hurt the baby and that’s not the case, that’s probably come from side voices.  All my midterms are done, 2 B’s and an A; I didn’t try hard so I’m happy with my grades.  I’m not very motivated, when not in class, at a club or workshop; I’m usually sleeping.  I’ve been home weekends a lot, I don’t know if that’s better or worse, it prevents me from sleeping the weekend away.  This weekend is my birthday, most my family is gone anyways, so I’m going to visit 20 somethings friend.  Since I told my case manager about the voices I know it’s going to slow down transitioning, medically wise and I really don’t want to tell the therapist because I don’t have as good a relationship with her and it’s harder for me to tell her this is two separate things- even though I’M SURE they are.

31 Days of Lists Challenge: day 11

29 Aug

31 days of list challenge

Things I miss:

  • The energy I had when hypomanic
  • Parts of high school
  • PK (fist love)
  • back 1s (sometimes, one of the sets of voices)
  • My weight before psych meds (obviously was way less)
  • Being easily entertained
  • Dexter  (My sister’s old English Bulldog)

dexter

  • Mr. B (Our old cat)

058

  • Memories (kind of, not sure if it’s for better or worse)

Love me challenge: Day 25

23 Aug

  
Day 25: What makes you laugh?

  • My friends
  • My brother-in-law
  • The back 1s used to
  • Somethings on Facebook