Tag Archives: autistic spectrum disorder

The problems lack of memory brings

5 Mar

Today while driving back to my apartment from home, I was crying which is a pretty normal occurrence.  It’s a 40 minute drive, I’m alone and I don’t have to worry about anyone finding me or asking me questions.  As I was crying and thinking about my time here at UC Davis, my transition, and my lack of friends I was wondering if this was what it was like at the private christian college.  Of course I don’t remember!

With everything going on, I’m getting back suicidal again.  I think it might help if I could remember if this is what it was like before, because if it was- I either adjusted, quit, or got through it; because hey I’m here.

Again mostly annoyed by the lack of friends.  Which makes the thought of dying easier when there is no one to live for.  I got the few standard people but they are most distant with my school duties and their current life duties.

Apparently again can’t be ASD because I care about having a friend or two.  Fucking ridiculous.  And these people are suppose to be professionals.  People annoy me to most an extent and I’m picky as hell about friends, but I want a couple.

Adults on the Autistic Spectrum

2 Feb

It’s been one of those days, one of those weeks.  Where I’m frustrated that I don’t have an ASD diagnosis because I didn’t fit the criteria as a kid.  It’s been fucking with my functioning this week.  I’ve messed up a few social cues.  And I’m curious.  I have some Aspergers followers out there or people on the Spectrum that “cope” and appear normal enough.  I don’t mean this to come off rude, I know they took aspergers out of the DSM5 thats why I want to cover aspergers and the spectrum but I’m mostly referring to more of the higher functioning people who for lack of a better word pass as normal most time.

That’s me.  And I know the goal after you get an ASD diagnosis is therapy to help cope with daily living and be able to live productively, get social skills, don’t have meltdowns, learn to deal with sensory issues, etc. etc.   I just don’t understand that if I was forced to do this as a kid because of a chaotic home environment how I can’t have the diagnosis.  I essentially learned most the skills they try to teach out of necessity.  Now on my own, I’ve regressed a bit plus I’m managing a bunch of other shit so honestly I don’t have the energy for all that normative passing stuff.  But I’m still upset that the doctor won’t give me the diagnosis because as a child I didn’t meet the criteria till i was 11 or so.

 

Thoughts?

ASD Results and my take

21 Jul

Today I had the appt of my ASD Results Evaluation and I am not on the Autistic spectrum despite having many of the symptoms, because I did not have symptoms since infancy.  I kinda saw this coming.  He mentioned my social development being off starting at age 10 when my psych problems started and kept referring to my teenage or pre-teenage years.

My theory is that I sort of stopped developing at 10, in many ways.  So in my mind I do have a developmental disorder just they don’t have a name for it like so many things wrong with me.  There are some serious things wrong with my social functioning which is all he really seemed to point out, put I also have a hard time with usual “adult” responsibilities cleaning/hygiene/job/phone calls/etc.  I never really developed romantically/sexually relationships which makes things real hard at 33.  I don’t do well with change and their are many childish and childlike things about me.

I guess I’m split on the results, I know a few people will be surprised and react negatively and others positively.  Like everything in life, but the people I like more will be more surprised and more likely to react negatively.

More waiting

14 Jul

So I had to come clean to my parents about the possible Autistic Spectrum Diagnosis (ASD) Evaluation.  I had my mom fill out a form the specialist gave me to fill out for my primary care giver or parent.  She filled out some and my sister looked over it and thought it was insufficient as my mom was looking through “rose tinted goggles” so she changed some answers and I had her fill out other sections where I knew she knew the answers, aka not the birth-3 years old.  The specialist called the day before I was suppose to have the appointment and need to ask my mom some questions for clarification.  I thought “oh no” and now I gotta tell her the truth.  So I told her about my most recent Sensory Processing Disorder and how I’ve always had the social awkwardness that now seems a little more than just social anxiety and paired with my poor motor skills they think I might be on the Autistic Spectrum.  I also told her when the specialist called not to answer questions with what she thinks I can do but with what I currently do do.  He just asked about 10 questions about when I was a baby and a toddler and now I have to wait a week and a half for results!  I wish this process went faster!

All over the place

30 Jun

My mood has kinda been all over the place lately and mostly reliant on other people or me level of boredom.  Which isn’t healthy.  Sometimes it’s not.  I’m kinda excited about starting summer school and the whole transition of moving out and transferring to UC Davis, but I try not to think about it to much because I don’t want to get overwhelmed.  Since I’m only taking one class this summer and it doesn’t start till August 1st, I was thinking about delving into some help type things I’ve been avoiding like maybe looking into talking about gender identity (though it isn’t bothering me too much right now) or looking into ACOA groups, again it’s not bothering me too much.  I guess things don’t have to be really difficult at the time to bother you, if you still know they are an issue.  I know when school starts up, it will be too crazy.  I’m interested to see what this ASD eval has to say.  I was talking to 20 something friend today about relationships and meeting people and how I don’t have skills and sometimes no interest and he was talking about like an ASD group or something.  I don’t know if that exists and technically I don’t know if I have a diagnosis or will.  I know in the past from being friends with others with BPD it was a mistake and caused a lot of drama.  I know I was trying not to look up info on ASD until I heard from the doctors, but I wanted to know what the new DSM5 had to say about it as I heard they were doing away with Aspergers and that’s most likely what I think I would be diagnosed with.  I was not surprised to find I met most the criteria but then that it said it had to be ruled out for schizophrenia, so I wonder if they will roll all the “social functioning” issues I have under the schizo in schizoaffective and then have the sensory issues in the Sensory Processing Disorder and just kind of ignore the other weird quirks like delayed sexuality, poor motor skills, my fixations, routines and problems with change.  So many questions and probably few will get answered.

Out with it

22 Jun

Why I asked/my case manager pushed for the Autistic Spectrum Disorder evaluation:

  • I was just in October of 2015 diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, even though I have had sensory issues that have made functioning on different levels difficult for as long as I can remember.
  • Problems with eye-contact
  • Don’t shake hands or high 5 because I don’t like people touching the palms of my hands; I just kinda stand there if I don’t know them.  Backwards high 5 people I do know, and have recently became more of a hugger
  • Clumsiness/ motor skills; I fall a lot, and my case manager says I walk funny
  • Bad communication skills in general
  • Awkward social skills
  • Most my life have had one or two friends except high school
  • Will not use the phone, usually have my mom pretend to be me and make calls for me
  • Very small group of things I like to eat and places I will eat those food at and thats all I eat over and over again, don’t try new things.
  • Won’t eat yogurt, jello, cottage cheese, or things with a similar consistency (SPD)
  • Wearing same clothes, like smell and worn-out-ness of already worn clothes.
  • Won’t wear certain fabrics, closed toe shoes, socks, or gloves unless necessary (SPD)
  • Won’t wash, lotion, antibacterial soap, sunscreen or let most liquid touch my lands; occasionally lick them when they feel dry (SPD)
  • Loud music (like at clubs/bars) makes my eyes blink and head spin (SPD)
  • Flashing lights do the same (SPD)

Triggering

4 Apr

I think I pegged what is triggering these hypomanic episodes: the stress of trying to organize the social event of the NAMI Walk, along with the on going unknown of the ASD evaluation plus the grief of not being able to attend San Diego State University and it’s nearing the end of the semester.  That’s enough to drive anyone crazy, right?

Two appointments-Two Days

30 Mar

I saw the therapist yesterday and my case manager today.  The therapist asked me the beginning of some ASD evaluation questions and had me fill out two questionnaires.  A lot of the answers I did not know because they had to do with childhood, my mom’s pregnancy, or family history.  20 somethings friend asked how it went, I said I think I passed because she said the next part was a referral and it might be a couple months out.  Some of the questions were complicated.  Some didn’t surprise me considering I know some about autism and aspergers.  When I met with my case manager today she asked me why I did tell the therapist a few specific things I had told her, I told her number 1 she didn’t ask and 2 they were strange and she said that’s exactly why I needed to tell her.  I said I didn’t want her judging me and it’s okay because you just joke I’m part cat, but she won’t be like that.  So I’m suppose to make a list of the more stranger aka embarrassing things; I’m already to 1/2 page.  I realized today I will go to UC Davis, the voices were right along with everyone else I’m just not ready or stable enough to start over in a new city 10 hours away with no one I know.  With all my new realizations I’m not sure I’ll be able to live on campus; I’ll take it slow.  And I don’t want to take advantage of services I don’t need.  I’m sad about not going to SDSU, I cried a little even in front of my mom and went to ice cream.  I’m trying to just focus on the accomplishment of getting in, that 9% that got accepted.  I talked about my mini hypomanic/psychotic episode, the dreams that had my case manager in them, a few articles I had read on FB that resonated with me, and the appointment with the therapist; it was non stop talk with my case manager today.  I’ll bring my list of strange stuff to my case manager next week and see if it’s things I should tell the therapist or not.

People…people…people

13 Mar

So overanalyzing as I often do…

I’m comfortable with how my social life is right now. (should probably knock on some wood)  I have one best friend and I don’t see him much because we are both busy with school now.  We aren’t even texting each other between classes or when he’s at work or anything too, but that’s not bothering me or poking at my BPD abandonment fears.  I’m all okay.  Even as I went to the NAMI Walks Kickoff Luncheon on Friday I was reminded of how I don’t like doing this social stuff.  When I talk to people in class and make “small talk” how I wish I could avoid it or how it seems so awkward.  Things have changed.  I’ve always been kind of a loner, but a loner that thought they needed someone to complete them or take care of them.  Now I’m pretty sure I’ll be okay by myself.  But do I want to be by myself?  Sort of?  I like the situation with me and 20 somethings friend and I like it better when there are breaks and we can have more fun when we both have more open schedule and can hang out more.  But I remember being disappointed when people are busy with work, school, friends, or whatever and I’m bored with nothing.  But I do not need or want a lot of socialization it wears me out and it’s hard and I wonder if the whole Autistic Spectrum thing is playing into that.

So as far as my socializing ability/roles whatever goes I have the schizo stuff kinda dis-intreset disconnect, the BPD abandonment fears + i need someone, the social anxiety, and now maybe some aspie stuff mixed in too

Like I wasn’t complicated enough before, I guess this is just changing the equation

Up in the air

11 Mar

I got my sister to go with me to San Diego State for the Open House thing, it was much harder than it should have been, my case manager even though I should have had someone supporting me coming with me.  But my sister had decided in her mind that she knew what was best and that was for me to go alone.  With all my anxiety, and all the progress I’m making, and all my issues, apparently she things something along the line of me going backwards if she goes with.  I’m getting worked up so lets talk about something else.  She’s going, lets hope it doesn’t turn into a disaster.

My counseling appointments are being changed to Wednesdays because my case managers new role starts next week.  It’s Kaiser so of course what they told her isn’t what she got and right now she only has 6 hours a week for case management and I am very grateful that she is saving one of those a week for me.  I also like Wednesdays better because if I feel unstable I can usually talk myself into waiting till Wednesday and knowing if I need to contact her before the weekend ends.  I think I mentioned that lately my appts have only been 1/2 hours and how I was nervous she quieted that fear when I brought it up this week, by confirming just what I thought if I’m doing good we don’t have to talk as much.

I’m wondering when this ASD evaluation is going to happen, and getting nervous.  I guess I’ll ask next week.  She said something about the way that I walk now I find myself self conscious which isn’t like me, normally I don’t care.  I just want to know the results, the suspense, oh the suspense.

I went to the NAMI Walks Kick off luncheon today.  This is my 3rd year being a team captain but my first year going to the luncheon.  I don’t like social events.  I could have just not went and had them send me my packet like prior years.  I think my team will be smaller this year but hopefully I will raise more money.