It’s been one of those days, one of those weeks. Where I’m frustrated that I don’t have an ASD diagnosis because I didn’t fit the criteria as a kid. It’s been fucking with my functioning this week. I’ve messed up a few social cues. And I’m curious. I have some Aspergers followers out there or people on the Spectrum that “cope” and appear normal enough. I don’t mean this to come off rude, I know they took aspergers out of the DSM5 thats why I want to cover aspergers and the spectrum but I’m mostly referring to more of the higher functioning people who for lack of a better word pass as normal most time.
That’s me. And I know the goal after you get an ASD diagnosis is therapy to help cope with daily living and be able to live productively, get social skills, don’t have meltdowns, learn to deal with sensory issues, etc. etc. I just don’t understand that if I was forced to do this as a kid because of a chaotic home environment how I can’t have the diagnosis. I essentially learned most the skills they try to teach out of necessity. Now on my own, I’ve regressed a bit plus I’m managing a bunch of other shit so honestly I don’t have the energy for all that normative passing stuff. But I’m still upset that the doctor won’t give me the diagnosis because as a child I didn’t meet the criteria till i was 11 or so.
So I had to come clean to my parents about the possible Autistic Spectrum Diagnosis (ASD) Evaluation. I had my mom fill out a form the specialist gave me to fill out for my primary care giver or parent. She filled out some and my sister looked over it and thought it was insufficient as my mom was looking through “rose tinted goggles” so she changed some answers and I had her fill out other sections where I knew she knew the answers, aka not the birth-3 years old. The specialist called the day before I was suppose to have the appointment and need to ask my mom some questions for clarification. I thought “oh no” and now I gotta tell her the truth. So I told her about my most recent Sensory Processing Disorder and how I’ve always had the social awkwardness that now seems a little more than just social anxiety and paired with my poor motor skills they think I might be on the Autistic Spectrum. I also told her when the specialist called not to answer questions with what she thinks I can do but with what I currently do do. He just asked about 10 questions about when I was a baby and a toddler and now I have to wait a week and a half for results! I wish this process went faster!
I saw the therapist yesterday and my case manager today. The therapist asked me the beginning of some ASD evaluation questions and had me fill out two questionnaires. A lot of the answers I did not know because they had to do with childhood, my mom’s pregnancy, or family history. 20 somethings friend asked how it went, I said I think I passed because she said the next part was a referral and it might be a couple months out. Some of the questions were complicated. Some didn’t surprise me considering I know some about autism and aspergers. When I met with my case manager today she asked me why I did tell the therapist a few specific things I had told her, I told her number 1 she didn’t ask and 2 they were strange and she said that’s exactly why I needed to tell her. I said I didn’t want her judging me and it’s okay because you just joke I’m part cat, but she won’t be like that. So I’m suppose to make a list of the more stranger aka embarrassing things; I’m already to 1/2 page. I realized today I will go to UC Davis, the voices were right along with everyone else I’m just not ready or stable enough to start over in a new city 10 hours away with no one I know. With all my new realizations I’m not sure I’ll be able to live on campus; I’ll take it slow. And I don’t want to take advantage of services I don’t need. I’m sad about not going to SDSU, I cried a little even in front of my mom and went to ice cream. I’m trying to just focus on the accomplishment of getting in, that 9% that got accepted. I talked about my mini hypomanic/psychotic episode, the dreams that had my case manager in them, a few articles I had read on FB that resonated with me, and the appointment with the therapist; it was non stop talk with my case manager today. I’ll bring my list of strange stuff to my case manager next week and see if it’s things I should tell the therapist or not.