Tag Archives: assertiveness

Quarter winding down

19 Mar

Quarter is winding down at college.  I mentioned I signed up for 5 classes, which is a lot.  I was sorta manic and 3 classes last quarter didn’t keep me busy enough.  I’m not going to pass one, but I changed it from a graded class to a Pass-No Pass class.  This is the first time I’ve never passed a class in my life.  My identity and self-worth use to be so built around my intelligence I had a hard time once I started failing Greek, but I’ve sort of accepted it.  I have all A’s and B’s in my other classes.  I went to the NAMI Kick Off Luncheon Friday and they didn’t give me a star walker pin.  You get a star walker pin for raising over $1,000; I raised over $2,000 last year.  I actually had the courage to speak to one of the people in charge and they said they’s look into it.  I should mark off assertiveness on my DBT Skills list.

All my in class finals are tomorrow and a large paper is due by 5pm.  I should be working on it right now, but I’m not.  I have a hard time working on things unless it’s crunch time or I’m with other people who are working on things too.  I’ve taken 3 naps already today.  My not taking my medication as prescribed is catching up with me.  I haven’t been loading my pill chart, mostly out of laziness.  So I’ve only been taking 1/2 of my mood stabilizers and 1/2 my PTSD meds and my sleep has been off at night; therefore I’m sleeping more during the day.  Last night at 1am I took the extra meds I should normally take.  I need to load my pill chart today.

Next quarter will only be 3 classes, it will be less stressful.  Hopefully, busy enough to keep me motivated though.  Next week is spring break, 20 somethings friend is coming!  I’m so excited!

Disneyland!

15 Feb

This weekend me and 20 somethings friend went to Disneyland, it was his first time ever coming here. I was a little nervous because I wasn’t sure how he was going to like it, and then super excited because you know how I feel about Disneyland. He liked it more than he thought he would so that’s a win in my eyes. I’ve had a lot of opportunities to practice my DBT Skills even though things are going good, like keeping up on hygiene, half smiling (when annoyed by line jumping kids and teenagers), being assertive about getting the room I wanted, turning the mind, being mindful.  For those who know Disneyland this is what we did at that park:

  • Matterhorn bobsleds
  • Space mountain which is currently called hyperspace mountain cuz Star Wars stuff
  • The many adventures of Winnie the Pooh
  • Mr. Toads wild ride
  • The haunted mansion
  • Big thunder railroad
  • Indian jones
  • Tarzan’s treehouse
  • Pirates of the carabiarean
  • The dark adventure of Snow White
  • It’s a small world.

At California adventure park we went on these rides

  • California screamin
  • Toy story midway mania
  • Goofys sky school
  • The little mermaid
  • Radiator springs racers
  • Tower of terror
  • Trolley
  • Animation academy
  • Soarin over California
  • Mad T Party
  • World of Color

The castle at Disney at night.

1/2/16

2 Jan

I can’t sleep because I drank a red bull. I drank the red bull because I thought we were going to play in the snow today. I guess there was some miss communication. I’m sort of having a hard time with being bored and thinking negatively. I’ve tried a few things to keep my mind busy, but it isn’t really working and I’m losing interest. My sister says she is going to call me, I’m nervous about that because I feel guilty I want to change the plans. But being in a bad mood at lil sis’ house without the distractions and some comforts just sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Update

23 Sep

 

A quick update with a longer one later.  I’ve been discouraged lately.  I’ve also had a lot of anxiety/doubt/panic which is just wearing me down.  I feel like I can’t deal with the little triggers of life because I’m already so exhausted and have used all my resources for just getting through the day.  I didn’t end up self harming last night.  I didn’t really reach out because it seems I just keep getting let down.  My case manager again said to message her if I needed an appointment between the next two appointments as she can cancel a meeting.  Last time she said she would fit me in and she didn’t so I feel weary about asking again.  I was also suppose to do a DBT exercise on assertiveness that failed because of circumstances, and now this weeks homework is to do another exercise- this one I’ll focus on saying no instead of asking– since asking doesn’t seem to be working.  I know my circumstances suck so it makes it hard to put the skills into practice.  Plus I’m even more vulnerable now.  I don’t know where this is going, but thanks to the people that showed concern last night and I am doing okay-ish.

Realizations, questions, and progress

8 Sep

So I had DBT tonight and we were talking about assertiveness within the module of Interpersonal Effectiveness.  This is where I dropped out years ago, so I don’t know a lot about Interpersonal effectiveness.  I’m not an assertive person, mostly passive sometimes passive aggressive.  We learned some acronyms depending on what your priority is in the interaction.  I’ll do a separate post on that later.  I’m not a good communicator.  Tonight I kinda figured out why, I asked how to be assertive and use the DEAR MAN skills with someone who can be super aggressive and verbally attacking you.  They pretty much said you can’t, I told them how I maneuver around it using my sister as a mediator.  They said that was effective and skillful and I should take credit for it.  I was surprised.  So one parent can be verbally abusive/aggressive and the other is kinda on her own planet/neglectful- this was especially true growing up it’s a little better now.  No wonder I never learned to communicate, I was kind of in impossible situations.  Now I can try it but with more receptive people and maybe some with my parents if they are willing to engage.

I had an academic advising appointment this morning, two actually but the second got canceled due to jury duty.  I theoretically could transfer to a four year university in Fall 2016.  Am I ready?  I don’t know, I feel like I’d need to do some serious work to be ready in a year, but do I really want to waste an extra year when everything’s already completed?  Just to be safe?  Will I get complacent and never go?  Is the time now?  Am I stable enough?  What about moving and insurance and medication and therapy?  Can I line that up in a year?  I’m considering it, any readers opinions or tips would be awesome.

The side voices were episodic voices they mostly had to do with suicidal and homicidal things, a specific trigger was school shootings (no idea why).  Since being on Latuda there have been a couple school shooting and no re-emergence of the voices.  I was hesitant and you never really know when they’ll show up.  But I was happy a usual trigger wasn’t applicable anymore.  Last Thursday there was a shooting on one of the campuses I attend, I attend my classes Monday and Wednesday though.  Full lockdown, one dead, 2 more injured, and they still haven’t caught the other person involved.  Turns out they all knew each other and the 3 victims were students leaving their classes.  So it happened on campus and wasn’t planned.  But still no voices!!! I’m stoked and now think that they may never return.  That’s progress!

Courage to Change Award

30 Jul

Thanks to Joyce for nominating me for this.  It was actually awhile ago and I’ve been so stressed.  But it was a nice reminder and what I needed to hear.

Courage to change award

I’m working towards recovery from all my issues.  My specific big triggers right now are interpersonal relationships, between rejection, feeling left out, trust issues, fear of judgement/criticism, the love/hate pull, assertiveness, healthy boundaries, social anxiety/awkwardness, and an inability to connect/relate I got plenty to work on.  I’m trying to change myself for the better and hope some friendships/relationships become healthier because of it.

Update

19 Jan

I haven’t been on here much and I sort of feel guilty.  Most my posts have been re-blogs or links to articles I’ve read.  Things have been good for the most part.  My parents just got back from Mexico early this morning.  My sister and brother-in-law are out of state on a vacation.  Lil sis came to visit yesterday knowing both my sister and parents would be gone.  Me, her, family friend, and another of my sister’s friends went mini-golfing.  I’ve mentioned before about lil sis’s attitude well something happened Friday that I’m pretty proud of.  I had turned up the music because a song I liked was on and lil sis said something turning it off and calling me a something bitch.  It was some other adjective and I don’t remember it anymore.  I got upset but instead of just burying it like I normally would.  I told her it wasn’t very smart to make comments like that about someone who is helping you pay for everything.  She didn’t respond but I felt good even saying it.  She had forgotten her purse, so I was paying for all her meals and her mini-golf.  I have had different interests on the dating site I mentioned I joined.  Some have been obvious no-gos like people who say they are married or have suspicions on their information, photos, and/or messages not lining up.  I have actually been talking to one women for about a week.  I really like getting to know her, even if it doesn’t go any farther than that.  In my last e-mail I tried to mention a little about family/childhood and hope it doesn’t scare her away.  But it’s part of who I am and I’d rather slow myself into it then wait awhile, get attached, then she can’t handle it.  I haven’t mentioned any of my own issues but I’m sure it will come up with comments about childhood.  This communicating, opening up, going to 20 somethings and being more involved, my parents being gone and all have left me in a good slightly hypomanic mood.  Last night I was having trouble thinking with anxiety coming for the first time since they’ve been gone- other than the slight sun issues over a week ago.  It made me realize how much better things might be if I was out of here.  Of course my parents gave instructions to make sure I wasn’t alone and if I did actually live alone or away from them there would be no way everyone would find time to make sure I wasn’t alone.  I worried about them being gone, usually it doesn’t do well for me.  I started decreasing my Seroquel down to 700mg from 800mg today, I will work at it for a week.  My dad leaves back to go out of the country Wednesday so he’s only back for a short time.   I will be starting school Wednesday as well.  Anyways things are good, not as good as I kind of have a foreboding  fear feeling going on.  But that’s me.

It’s been interesting…

24 Aug

It’s been interesting…

I’m unstable but sometimes it’s easy to forget especially when I’m in the “good” area of unstable.  I’ve been on a bit of a roller coaster this last week and haven’t really noticed it much until today when I was trying to process the time since my last appointment which was Monday August 13th.  Normally I go at least once a week sometimes more if things are too crazy.  Since life has been so busy lately it’s been like 2 weeks since I’ve been there.  I’ll go through a quick review of the days

Monday 8/13/12- Counseling appointment, getting ready for the trip, not really excited about it, numb from self-medicating the day before.

Tuesday 8/14/12- knowing I’m leaving tomorrow, dad bought me annual pass and I felt guilty, getting bugged about getting ready, local ice cream parlor’s birthday celebration

Wednesday 8/15/12- left for trip in the afternoon, was suppose to be early am my sister was running late as usual and i was frustrated and woke up in a bad mood, thinking the trip may just be a bad idea, feeling guilty.  Had a good time with my sister on the car ride down once we switched cars, got to LA was tired and sick ended up throwing up.

Thursday 8/16/12- went to disneyland and California adventure with Dad and my sister also club 33, relaxed, best day in this sequence.

Friday 8/14/12- went to NAMI confrence, felt extremely overwhelmed and even on the verge of tears at times, also physically sick, also learned some real good information and felt validated about trauma in the past

Saturday 8/15/12- only went to a little of the confrence, dad pressuring me to make a deciscion about switching hotels, in tears when couldn’t find the hotel room, hotel room situation straightened out by my dad, was able to rest and relax by myself for awhile, downtown disney in the evening.

Sunday 8/16/12- parks with dad.  dad also wanting to a bunch of thing on his own,  so spent time seperately, was an okay day

Monday 8/17/12- driving back home, dad in a rush and bad mood, tried to drown out the annoyance with headphones and music, dad complained he could hear the music and that I was running my ears, dad can’t hear well and always asking us to repeat things.

Tuesday 8/18/12- back to reality, suicidal, scissors next to me ready to  cut, realization that things have been up and down, not able to handle full day at confrence fearing school starting, end of day feeling better due to comments on blogs and not feeling as alone and destroying the “should” monster

Wednesday 8/19/12- pick up sister and brother-in-law from airport needed to stay up late to do it, played farmville a lot of the day, dad pressuring me about doing something with the neighbor

Thursday 8/20/12- car battery died, unable to go out most the day so ordered text books online (3 classes over $500), reprimanded by dad for not going out and doing it at the place or doing my business work, on the verge of tears, crying in car with sister in the evening, lil sis comes, more pressure about doing something with the neighbor, pressure to decide about movie night for friday

Friday 8/21/12- woke up in better mood, planning doing something with neighbor and lil sis, maybe movie night, went to do work inventory all messed up one location had to use another’s sheet because we’ve been closed because of the fire, counseling appointment, talked about assertiveness, and balancing or compartmentalizing stress/tasks; found out taking parents to airport in san Francisco tomorrow, will go to movie night.

Counseling review and other stuff-

So at counseling I talked about the general stuff above.  We talked about what was stressing me out and made a list: school starting Monday, physically sick issues needing to be addressed, pressure with neighbor, dad, work, mom and then when they are happening monday, in about two weeks, today and probably on going for a bit, now, now and other stuff work stuff not mentioned that needs to be resolved quickly, and always.  I talked about my professor (math) e-mailing me a syllabus while in so cal that was 11 pages long and stated the absence policy and my fear of not being able to make it to class because of mental issues and being dropped, she seems to think it’s no big deal and whatever happens happens but not so with me since it’s something I enjoy, structure, and makes me feel competent.  Pressure with neighbor frustrating  since dad can’t even see that I’m also suffering possibly more so, my fear of saying no or not now and dealing with the response which brought up the whole assertiveness- this kind of fits in with mom and work also.  Also talked about how some people when having many different areas like that they focus on the easiest and just don’t worry about the rest, or “forget it” and have fun and appologize dumbly later.  I seem to put all my energy into everything and get overwhelmed and upset when disaapointing others.  She talked about being nicer to myself when I can’t do anything and letting others deal with their own problems, being able to say no and the assertiveness.  May sign up for an assertiveness class.  No appointment next week, she will be gone Friday and I have school she said call in needed and we could work out something, otherwise appointment is in two weeks!

Came home and went to lunch with neighbor.  Then decided to do the movie night.  Was on facebook and noticed a NAMI link that led me to another link and another and another.  Got some interesting information on BPD, resources, and treatment.  One a residential program at McLean in New York specializing in BPD.  Incurence doesn’t cover it and it’s 60 day minnimum saty at about $1,000 a day. I know my parents could afford, if they would and if it would help me, or they would even think I’m a good fit; got me thinking.  I don’t think I’m as disordered as I have been in the past but I know BPD has a huge influence in a number of areas in my life including relationships and not being able to hold employment.  Just had me thinking a lot.  Getting ready to go to movie night, lil sis being bossy as usual.  Sounds like tomorrow I’ll be going with lil sis to take my parents to the airport and then hanging around in San Francisco for part of the day.  My parents will be gone till Wednesday and I’ll be staying with my sister and brother-in-law.

I have a lot going on in my head about a bunch of different things that aren’t clear enough to do separate posts on yet.  I’ll still be doing my rest of So cal update, probably not until the end of the weekend.  And looking through I never finished my hospitalization updates either, so I need to get around to that to.

After some major neutrals, downs, way downs, neutral, etc.

8 Aug

My mood has been hoping lately actually more like dropping and then attempting to pick myself up.  I had a counseling appointment today that I set up Tuesday morning when I realized with all that was going on inside me, even though I had a session Monday, I wouldn’t possibly be able to enjoy this wedding I will be at this weekend, my next appointment was this next Monday.  I toyed and toggeled with what to say, I brainstormed, wrote ideas out, ruminated, asked the different parts of myself, came up with potential reactions all my usual stressing when attempting to be assertive and address something important when I’m scared.  Well, it went good.  I didn’t bring the iPad with my thoughts written and attempted to think them out there and verbalize what was wrong and what I thought needed to be done.  I feel much better now am still nervous about the wedding but it’s me in a social situation so it’s kind of a given.

I want to highlight some of the points I got across today and some recent realizations that have come to me.

  • When I am focused on dealing with my family’s issues it takes me away from my own and I have used this coping strategy for years and some of my “issues” even slipped away to the abyss until a family issue wasn’t available or I refused to play their game.
  • I am finally more comfortable with my sexuality than I have probably ever been.  I allude to it on here but am a lesbian.  I have even considered going to groups or looking into online dating.  There are some password protected posts relating to this topic still being sensitive, if interested just ask and I’ll send the password and there will be more posts coming possibly it’s own category.
  • I have traumatic past events, mostly verbal and emotional abuse stemming from family, but also sexual abuse and a lot of trauma relating to the whole sexuality back line story.
  • When going to counseling appointments I want to highlight some of the positives from a day.  whether that’s playing with Dexter, journaling, just waking up in a good mood, whatever- I brought my SMASH journal today to initiate that step.
  • I will have to work on flashbacks depending how often and how severe they present them self will depend on when I start working on them.  I’m nervous and a private person especially when it comes to that type of stuff.
  • I have an issue with taking what other people say/think/observe over what I think/say/observe because I’ve so often been told I’m irrational or don’t perceive things correctly.
  • I get extremely upset when I feel I’ve not been listened to but usually can’t verbalize it until it’s too late, need to work on.
  • I’m afraid to reveal what helps and doesn’t as I believe people will use the information to manipulate their relationship with me and not be authentic.
  • I over-analyze things way too much- This isn’t a new realization.
  • I’m allowing myself to reconnect with high school friends I haven’t talked to in 10 years, putting myself out there and trying to let go.

Also I wanted to post a shout out to a fellow blogger who received 100 followers a couple days ago with only starting to blog this year.  I’ve been blogging for 2 years pretty regularly and reached 100 followers just a couple months ago.  Amazing achievement, amazing blog.  http://mybpdstory.wordpress.com/

Here’s an award/badge she came up with to celebrate her achievement.