Tag Archives: asexual

It’s time for an update

4 Apr

A lot has gone on since the last update.  I have decided to change from identifying as gender variant to gender queer, as I learn more about the community and more about what terms mean I learn more where I fit.  Since my sexuality is no where near heterosexual and is shifting with my gender identity as well as still staying somewhat on the asexual spectrum, I decided to go with gender queer.   I talked to the therapist yesterday AGAIN about being referred to the gender specialist and I think it’s finally going to happen!  At least she thinks I’m stable enough.  I’m not going to mention the last bout with the voices to the therapist or my case manager for a couple weeks, just in case.

I plan on getting my hair cut to look more masculine and also because it gets super hot here in California in the summer, and it’s already starting to warm up.  My roommates don’t keep the apartment as cool as my parents kept the house and next year it will be harder as we will be paying utilities.  I know people will have a problem with my hair cut, but I hope they will adjust.

I got accepted to go to T-Camp which is a retreat for people under the Trans umbrella at colleges in northern California; it’s two days and coming up next weekend.  I’m not sure what to expect but I’m excited I got accepted.

I’m also starting NAMI’s Peer to Peer class in mid April and I’ve been trying to get into that for like 2 years.  It’s either been in the wrong county or interfered with my school schedule.  It’s 10 sessions, twice a week.

So lots of exciting things coming up!

Doing much better

30 Nov

Sine the increase of the Latuda I have been doing much better.  I’m still feeling the increase effects, so mind slow and sleepy so I am overcompensating with caffeine (Red Bull and Starbucks) unfortunately the increase had to be made the week before finals, but hey what can you do.  Probably in a week or two my body will just and I’ll no longer feel the mind slow or extra sleepiness and be able to lay off the extra caffeine, plus school will be out so not much will be going on anyways.

I’m worried about going back home for break.  Less structure usually means worsening of depression symptoms.  Being home means less experimenting with/exploring gender identity.  But there is more people looking at me, so I doubt I can stay too inactive and let myself fall apart too much.  I just don’t want to un-grow.

I haven’t needed the extra DBT skills since the Latuda increase, but have a feeling I’ll need them when I’m home on break.  I’ll still have my apartment so maybe some time I will come here to get away.  I hope to get off the extra Latuda by the end of January, but that may not be realistic- we’ll see once school starts up.

I attended a thing on different types of attraction yesterday that the LGBTQIA center put on yesterday for Asexual Awareness Day.  I’m trying to figure out things and for now I’m thinking gay grey A and biromantic.  I’m not sure how it will fit in with my gender identity and all that but for the most part I’m more attracted to women.  And I still identify more as woman if you make me chose a binary, but gender variant under the trans* umbrella otherwise.

Protected: Can I be a lesbian?

8 Jul

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Gender identity

25 May

Gender identity has still been swirling round in my head and it won’t slow down. I even went to look at our local Gender a health Center’s website today. Thinking about setting up an appointment to talk to a counselor there. You may ask “Marci, Why would you do that? You already have a case manager and a therapist!”  Yes, I do and I saw the therapist yesterday and I didn’t bring it up much because I didn’t think we had enough time to talk and I knew it’d just leave a big puzzle till next month. I’ve brought it up a little with my case manager and I think she thinks it’s me who doesn’t want to talk about it. I just think she doesn’t have any knowledge in it. That’s why I was looking at the gender health center. I guess I’ll ask her tomorrow at our appointment. 
Anyways. There were some intake forms so I printed them out and began to fill them out. I also talked a little bit to my trans blogger friend. I don’t think I’m cisgender but I don’t think I’m transgender either. I guess that leaves gender queer which I don’t like the term. I really want my breasts gone or reduced but then what happens if people start referring to me as male?  I’m already not that girly. I thought I’d be okay with it, until the person on Facebook used the male possessive pronoun (his) based only off looking at a picture of me. 
Filling out the forms I’ve also realized this is something that has gone back to puberty, which is 15+ years. People say I have time and I understand that. And I deinetly don’t want to make rash decisions. But this isn’t something new that just came up. And now that I’ll be living out on my own I feel like I have more sovereignty over my body so I can make more decisions or at least explore what I’d like to do. 

I’m also not clear on my sexuality and as I’m getting older I think I need to be clear where I stand if it’s true that I don’t need a partner than that’s fine but if it’s just some stage right now. I’m going to be pissed when I’m 40 and trying to find someone to settle down with. It’s true I’m happy how I am right now for the most part, I feel satisfied. It just seems strange. Like is this really a thing?

It’s Complicated

23 May


Two weeks ago I went to Decision Day at UC Davis at their LGBT Center on campus they have Crafternoons every Friday afternoon which happened to be what day Decision Day fell on.  The girl who was kind of organizing the art table and the event just gave me a piece of paper and said that it was to make a statement about your identity.  The first thing I thought about was that it’s complicated.  I’m  33 years old and I’m still not sure where I stand.  Some where between asexual and gray-sexual I guess.  And when I am attracted it is to women only.


And now I am beginning to struggle with how I see myself.  I use to have real problems with self image and for a little bit I wondered if I was meant to be a boy and thought being a boy would be so much easier, this was in my mid 20s.  I had no exposure to the LGBT community and didn’t even know there was such a thing as trans*   I’ve been thinking about how I identify and how I want others to see me, I’ve ruled out trans* and began to think maybe more on the non-binary side.  I like my hair long but for the most part can’t stand wearing make up or a skirt/dress.  Since my teenage years I’ve hated my breasts and wanted them removed, and wearing a bra reminds me that they are there.  I don’t talk about it much because I already have enough weirdness about me.  I also take birth control and use to take it continuously where I had to period, for mental health reasons.  I stopped this because there would be break through bleeding that would happen and stay for like a month and my case manager said it probably wasn’t helpful and might be contributing to my desire to cut when I feel like I need to “bleed out.”  I’ve now started taking birth control the prescribed way but still rarely get my period and when I do it’s so light I don’t even need to wear feminine hygiene products.  I’m sure somethings wrong, but I don’t want to, will not be having kids.  And menstruating just reminds me I’m a girl.


So I thought I’d be pretty comfortable non-binary.  Then on Facebook the other day there is a picture of me in shorts and a t-shirt and a hat at Decision Day.  And a new friend from UC Davis, after I offered to drive to an event put Marci can fit 3 people in his car.  And it kind of bothered me.  So maybe I’m not as comfortable as I thought.  When we go around group I still use female personal pronouns- we have no gender neutral ones in the US.


Sometimes I question my gayness

22 Jun

I’ve always been an outsider.  Some of the voices say I’m just pretending to be gay to get friends.  I don’t get sexually aroused that much, at least by comparing myself to others.  I’ve had bad relationships with boys and will all of the relationship with boys.  When I was try to be straight I would just tell myself that I couldn’t base my everything on these two bad experiences.  Now I’ve had a couple relationships with girls and sex with girls.  I actually get turned on when having sex with girls and it feels good it was never like that with the boys.  I don’t get turned on just by looking at girls very often at all, not sure if it’s my meds, my comfort level, or just being more towards the grey/a sexual side of the spectrum.  Tonight while watching a TV show there were two gay girls having sex and then a straight couple having sex.  I could easily feel in my body which was more of a turn on.  I need to remember this when I get back in the grey/a area because it’d be so much easier to be straight.  And people will try to push me that way, they have my whole life.  I can’t wait to have a relationship with a girl where the sex is good and we connect emotionally too, that hasn’t happened yet.  But parts my fault I’m not that active in looking cuz the grey/a and I’m dealing with so much already plus I’m not sure I’m stable enough for dating.  Maybe these are just excuses I don’t know.  But tonight I realized whenever I do have attractions they are almost always exclusively gay.

The sexual side of things

17 Dec

I’ve been on and off psych meds since I was 10 years old.  And pretty much consistently on them since age 17.  I’ve never been one to be sexually attracted to other people.  It’s rare and since my teen years when it was only women I was attracted to and I tried to suppress all those feelings.  About 6 months or so ago, my sexual attractions and feelings came back for awhile and it was overwhelming.  I started to seriously pursue online dating in the hopes of engaging in sexual behavior.  I did a little, and it was good but my issues prevented me from enjoying it fully.  Since coming out of the hospital (late Oct.) and even more new meds the sexual desire is gone again.  Social situations are difficult for me, so you can imagine my anxiety with dating.  I also have the BPD rejection and abandonment feelings.  I feel like the sexual attraction/desire has to be pretty great for me to overcome these barriers.  When in my early 20’s I thought maybe I was asexual because I had no attraction, my attraction to women was shut down and I’ve never really been attracted to men.  There was a great post that I re-blogged awhile ago on Grey-sexual.  I think that’s what I am, and the article talks about things that make the grey-sexual one.  Like mental health issues, past trauma, and other things I meet.  But with my current life circumstances and past history that’s what I chose.  I happen to like labels they make things simpler in my opinion.  I imagine if I had a big sex drive before meds I’d have trouble being compliant, I hear that’s one of the top reasons people stop taking their psych meds.  So for now I’m still going to practice the online dating just not as energetic as I was earlier in the fall.

The assailable Greysexual

5 Aug

I have always had a difficult time defining my sexuality and still do. For a long period of time (all of my teenage years and some of my young adult years) I thought I might be asexual. I had never heard the term greysexual and looking back from what I remember that might better describe me. It wasn’t till recently coming to terms with my sexuality (I’m gay) that my identity and sex drive have become more towards the “normal/average” end of the spectrum.
I wish I had known about this term earlier as it would have made me feel less alone and like a freak. Most teenagers have sexual attractions, I didn’t really.
It’s also dissapoininting that still as a culture if you are not the typical heterosexual there is a list of potential reasons why you are abnormal whether that is asexual, gay, greysexual, pansexual or any other minority. When I first expressed homosexual feelings the first thing that was pointed out was my childhood and looking at that list I have a lot of the other things that “cause” the different sexualities. People need to stop looking for reasons and celebrate the differences.

Anxiety & Oranges

Today I want to write about identity, and how expressing it can be impeded by stereotypes.
Specifically I am writing this post for The August Carnival of Aces, on the topic of “The Unassailable Asexual”.
(If you don’t know what an asexual is click here. Ace is another term for asexual. FYI people who regularly experience sexual attraction in typically normative ways, are allosexual. If you’d like to know a little more about the term allosexual, click here.)

So first, what is an unassailable asexual, or a gold star ace?
To answer that you must first know that the ace identity often prompts a lot of questions, some of them are well meaning ignorance, but others are clearly an attempt to assail ace identity.
When people do either type of questioning (viscous or no) certain tropes of what might “cause” the asexuality, or what is…

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Catching Up on Daily Prompts

7 Jan

In my e-mail I have a bunch of WordPress’ daily prompts I have wanted to answer.  Because I think there will be a number of posts today, I’m going to lump them into this post.  Without further ado:

WordPress Daily Prompt 1/7/14:  Write about anything you’d like, but make sure that all seven colors of the rainbow — red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet — make an appearance in the post, either through word of image

The other day I was talking to my sister about proper terms in the LGBT community.  She didn’t understand that some terms were outdated and offensive while other terms she thought were offensive, the LGBT community actually embraces.  I honestly told her that I didn’t know all the terms, but explained some I did.  Then I laughed about how a rainbow is a really good symbol for us because of the variety.  So for this prompt I am going to chose a color and assign a term and explain it.  Note: the colors are chosen at random and the best way not to look like an ass is to ask a person what they would like to be called.  Also obviously with only 7 colors I am not including a lot of terms.

Red: Trans Man and Trans Woman; I initially didn’t understand when to use each one until it was explained to me and then I was like duh!  A trans man (sometimes refereed to as F->M) is someone who was born as the female biological sex but identifies as a male, this can be in terms of roles, appearance, or transitioning biologically to the other sex.  A trans woman (M->F) is the opposite of this.  The easiest was for me to remember is how they want to be represented/perceived woman or man, as the last part.  Again the note some use different terms including just trans, transgender, transsexual, woman, or man and most likely many more, ask a person if the best way.  I have a post on Gender identity and sexual orientation that goes deeper if you want to check it out.

Orange: Gay; usually a term to use with homosexual men and sometimes homosexual women, some people prefer other terms like “homo” and others I’m sure I don’t know.  Usually when referring to the community the term gay is used example: “Gay Rights” “Gay Marriage” “Gay Pride.”  Note I would prefer to be called gay rather than lesbian or “girl gay.”

Yellow: Intersex; this is the term used for persons who have biological and physical aspects of both sexes, this can include genitalia, hormones, and any combination of how much of each “sex;”  My sister asked isn’t that a hermaphrodite and I explained that is considered a derogatory term to most of the LGBT community.  Often when children are born intersex, especially with some form of dual genitalia, the parents make a decision on what sex their child were be and sometimes have “corrective” surgery.

Green: Androgynous; which refers to the combination of female and male characteristics, this can be in appearance, gender identity, sexual orientation, and behavior.  Another term often used is “gender neutral.”

Blue: “A” or asexual; sometimes the LGBT can be much longer with other letters like LGBTIQQA; the A generally stands for asexual which means not sexually interested in either sex.  A lot of people don’t understand why asexual would belong in the LGBT community, my best explanation is that the LGBT tends to accept anyone who doesn’t fit in the “norm” of heterosexuality.

Indigo: Sex Reassignment Surgery; Having surgical procedures to transition from one sex to the other, this can include “top surgery” which can include breast implants or removal or “bottom surgery” which would be changing the genitalia; some consider hormone treatment under this heading as well, but it is less common.  Again a “sex change” is an outdated term.

Violet: Queer; My sister doesn’t like this term as it seems derogatory to her, in my Intro to LGBT Studies class we talked about taking our terms back and embracing them such as you try to hurt us with this term but we use it to identify us positively.  Queer is an umbrella term for everyone in the LGBT community.  However, like I said earlier ask how people would like to be referred to as some do not like this term.

WordPress Daily Prompt 1/3/14: Is it possible to be too honest, or is honesty always the best policy?

As much as I value honesty, I do believe there is such a thing as being too honest.  Some people are just not ready for honesty and it can make some situations worse.  I do believe that if someone asks you for your honest opinion, and you do not want to give it for some reason you should some how state that instead of making something up the person will believe as your honest opinion.  Another good practice is re-evaluating through time if this person is ready for your honesty.  I wrote a poem about not being ready for honesty.

WordPress Daily Prompt 12/29/13: You get to redesign school as we know it from the ground up. Will you do away with reading, writing, and arithmetic? What skills and knowledge will your school focus on imparting to young minds?

I worked in education for 3 years.  I worked both in preschool and a before/after school program.  Education is changing, at least here in California, there is too much focus on testing and meeting specific academic achievements; class sizes are too large and teachers do not have enough resources and time to teach effectively.  With the coming of technology I think secondary education will be changing a lot (secondary refers to high school and sometimes junior high, after 6th or 8th grade.)  My opinion:

Preschool should focus on social and emotional development while also teaching basic academic skills.  Most children’s first exposure to other children, other than possibly siblings or neighbors, is when they attend preschool.  Children need the basics of learning what’s appropriate and not in a school setting, how to manage their behavior and emotions, and how to express themselves and communicate.  I don’t mean that all the focus should be on “sharing is caring” and all that.  Also basic academic skills should be taught such as the alphabet, numbers, some writing and word recognition, and gross and fine motor skills.  Also in preschool, children should be constantly assessed because early intervention is so important.

Primary Education/Elementary School/Kindergarten through Sixth Grade, this is the time where the rest of the academic skills should be continued and polished.  I believe there also need to be skills that are useful in the real world but not considered “academic,” whether that be some sort of art, music, sports, language, technology skills, etc.  In my high school we were offered electives to chose from, I believe from the 4th grade level on (so for 3 years) children should have a one hour of elective.  I also think there has been a serious decline in the importance of physical education, often recess is taken away as a punishment or weather means we do an inside activity.  Children need to be encouraged to be active, whether at recess, physical education, sport electives, or after school activities.  And for clarification the academic skills I’m talking about are math, reading, writing, and science; obviously tailored for each grade level.

After Primary School I think there should be 3 options: Vocational School, Online Education, and In class Secondary Education.  Children and by now teenagers all learn in different ways and have different priorities in life.  The drop out and faliure rate is ridiculous because teenagers don’t fit in the cookie cutter shapes of junior high and high school.  Vocational schools would teach trades or occupations that do not need a lot of math, science, reading, or writing skills.  I have many friends who work in fields with no college education (or not using anything they learned in college) or no use of their high school or junior high academics (some who finished high school and others who dropped out), skills taught could include: mechanical skills, sales, customer service, life skills (for those who want to be stay at home mom’s for example), or classes specified for teenagers with disabilities or special needs.  Online education, works really well for some people.  They are able to work at their own pace and feel less anxiety of keeping up with others, having to sit in class for a few hours straight, or be bored when they have already understood the topic.  Also those using online education could have more options available to them in variety of classes as well as difficulty; currently in order to take college level classes while still in primary or secondary education you also must attend your normal schooling hours.  In my opinion this just holds some teenagers back who could progressing faster.  Also some teenagers need to work to help support their family or self and with online education would be able to balance the two well, another big drop out factor.  Finally, some kids/teens just learn better in the classroom (I am one of them.)  I think that with the three possibilities we also wouldn’t have class sizes that are too large and overworked exhausted teachers.  Teens would have more flexibility to be where they want to in life and it would take pressure off teachers who need to manage students who don’t want to be at school and are not getting anything out of it.   The focus wouldn’t be so much on testing and graduating, but rather preparing for going to college.  I think many students choosing this option would want to pursue college; also there should be part of the day that  it’s the teen’s choice to come in for specific skills or classes.  They would need to sign up ahead of time, for example if a student  participating in online education would like to take a SAT prep class or a student in vocational school would like to hone their writing skills.