Tag Archives: alone

Reflections

1 Dec

I hate that I feel sad so often. Lonely and empty, sometimes even when people are around. I feel like I’ve made much progress. But how can that be if I still want to be around other people to feel good myself. I’ve never been comfortable being alone, unless I’m recharging. I’ve spent a lot of time alone but that’s just because interacting and getting close to people scares me so much. Now I have a couple people I’m close with and feel good around them, but they have other lives too. I wish I could just be happy with me.

I’m crashing… I tried

27 Sep

Today’s goal was to make it a good day. Too much alone time made that fail. Probably didn’t help that most of yesterday I was alone too. I decided to throw a Halloween party, I’m kinda nervous people won’t come. But I like hosting pasties and Halloween is my favorite holiday so hopefully it’ll work out. I worked on my smash book, played candy crush, went shopping for Halloween decorations, went for a walk, went out to lunch by myself. I haven’t had a nap today. I tried to lay down but my brain started bugging me. I wish there was a way I could let this effect me less.

Adulting

27 Sep

Lately I have been practicing skills to lead to my independence, to be more adult like.  I’ve started brushing my teeth and taking a bath each day.  I have started doing my own laundry.  I’m also trying to tolerate being alone better.  Some days I feel like I’ve made so much progress like the other morning I got up, took a bath, brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, and put in contacts.  I later did some laundry and when my parents didn’t want what I wanted for lunch, I went by myself.

Yesterday was hard.  I was alone most the day and bored, so I just decided to sleep.  I tried a couple times to see if people could do things with me but they had plans or didn’t respond till later.  I think I did okay but it makes me wonder if I move away for school if I will be able to be adult enough and be able to tolerate being alone enough.  Also my sleep is really messed up, I took 2 naps yesterday and one was 4 hours.  It’s ok for the current situation because I don’t have a lot to do.  But if I’m going to go to school full time, like I plan to in the fall- I don’t think it’ll work.

Its too much

6 Sep

I’ve allowed myself to feel again and it is too much.  This is the reminder of why I stay to myself.  Everyone else in life moves on and I just can’t handle it.  I’m paralyzed with fear to even have a conversation.  I put so much effort in but I can’t anymore and I don’t think he will.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  It hurts so bad.

Feeling alone

16 Jul

feeling lonely, that’s all.

Daily Prompt: Cut Off

1 Mar

WordPress Daily Prompt 2/24/15When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely?

I feel lonely a lot and I think it’s one of the key characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder and usually my lonely feelings come with a feeling of emptiness.  I would have to say the worst is when you are surrounded by people and you feel so alone and empty inside.

\alone

Feeling nervous

11 Jan

I’ve been doing good since I got out of the hospital in October, almost too good to be true.  In less than a week both my parents will be leaving to go out of the country.  I usually have a hard time when my dad is gone and already made it through a 20 day vacation he was gone for.  My parents want me to stay with my sister, they don’t like me being alone.  I want to prove I can do this.  Only this week the nurses our striking so no one is in the office, and next week I have my first DBT class and see my psychiatrist.  My case manager was all booked up that week and I won’t see her till the 30th and my parents will be back by then.  School is starting and that will mean adjusting and less free time so hopefully I won’t be so bored.  When I’m bored is when my emotions and thoughts run away with themselves.

A couple things that are sort of unrelated from last Friday’s session.  I talked about the flashback happening when I was with my friends at the cabin trip and my case manager said it maybe could have been avoided if I had taken some time out to be alone, because I need that.  Interesting theory but I also know I need connection and time around others, so I guess it’s about finding a balance again.  While gone this weekend to a different cabin trip I had a flashback of new sorts where I heard some of the voices from before.  It was the one that told me to stab myself until I bled to death or passed out from shock.  I know it wasn’t the same voice again, and it sent a shiver down my spin and caused me to sit up real quick.  Then tonight a couple times I’ve heard background noises that aren’t there and my mom calling me when she didn’t.  I wish I didn’t feel so shaky already.

Change

27 Dec

I hate change, especially with my anxiety.  A lot of things have changed in the last year but I know more needs to happen.  I need to move out but I don’t think I could live alone or with people I don’t know, that seriously limits my options.  I feel like my friends don’t feel like they can be themselves when my parents are here.  I can’t bring dates around, so obviously that limits my sexual opportunities.  Also, I’m 32 and I sometimes get tired of being treated like a child.  My mom keeps bringing up moving out suggestions.  Just frustrated right now and not seeing solutions.

Photo: "The first step toward getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to say where you are." - J.P. Morgan #quote #goals #ResolutionsFor2015

The holiday season is hard

9 Dec

It seems I shouldn’t complain. I don’t have any holiday triggers, I don’t get seasonal affective disorder, and I celebrate Christmas with my birth family.
However, I don’t really have memories from Christmas’s past. I’m not that much of a material person and my birthday is so close to Christmas. But most I think is that I don’t have a family of my own to celebrate, you think by 32 I’d at least have a significant other. And it just brings up the stress and triggers that I know will come up even to make this happen.
They say friends are the family you make for yourself. I have a few people that fit my idea of what ideal “family” is. Only there are 3 separate areas of my life.

Feeling alone

4 Nov

Feeling alone and bored tonight. The house is so quite when my dad’s gone. I’ve tried reading but the book is just annoying me. I’ve looked on Facebook and read all my blogs. It’s only 6:30pm and I’m wondering if I should just go to bed for the night. I feel the weight of depression more when I’m alone. These times also bring me back to childhood.