Tag Archives: alcoholic family

All over the place

30 Jun

My mood has kinda been all over the place lately and mostly reliant on other people or me level of boredom.  Which isn’t healthy.  Sometimes it’s not.  I’m kinda excited about starting summer school and the whole transition of moving out and transferring to UC Davis, but I try not to think about it to much because I don’t want to get overwhelmed.  Since I’m only taking one class this summer and it doesn’t start till August 1st, I was thinking about delving into some help type things I’ve been avoiding like maybe looking into talking about gender identity (though it isn’t bothering me too much right now) or looking into ACOA groups, again it’s not bothering me too much.  I guess things don’t have to be really difficult at the time to bother you, if you still know they are an issue.  I know when school starts up, it will be too crazy.  I’m interested to see what this ASD eval has to say.  I was talking to 20 something friend today about relationships and meeting people and how I don’t have skills and sometimes no interest and he was talking about like an ASD group or something.  I don’t know if that exists and technically I don’t know if I have a diagnosis or will.  I know in the past from being friends with others with BPD it was a mistake and caused a lot of drama.  I know I was trying not to look up info on ASD until I heard from the doctors, but I wanted to know what the new DSM5 had to say about it as I heard they were doing away with Aspergers and that’s most likely what I think I would be diagnosed with.  I was not surprised to find I met most the criteria but then that it said it had to be ruled out for schizophrenia, so I wonder if they will roll all the “social functioning” issues I have under the schizo in schizoaffective and then have the sensory issues in the Sensory Processing Disorder and just kind of ignore the other weird quirks like delayed sexuality, poor motor skills, my fixations, routines and problems with change.  So many questions and probably few will get answered.

Social worryings and am I pushing enough?

12 Nov

So of course I’m back to my social anxieties.  And it has to do with a lot of things, like I said I didn’t go to the birthday party of the girl from group and I didn’t really want to go.  But there is something inside me that is like you have to go to everything or no one will like you and they’ll stop inviting you.  I quieted that down on Saturday and hung out with family instead.  Just tonight I was invited to go to the drive-ins tomorrow with a bunch of people who go to group.  I can’t go because class is too late that night and too early the next.  Then I find out other people were invited before me and it makes me go through the thinking of am I just the runner up person…  Also I got the nerve to mention to 20 something’s friend that I think another one of our friends may be saying things that are infuencing other people’s opinion.  I’ve been going back and forth on this whether to say anything but tonight seemed like okay and I’d want to know if it was happening to me.  But then I feel bad and like I’m just wanting to start drama, which I hate drama- that’s why I usually stay away from larger groups of people but I guess it’s inevitable. However, I still don’t know if what I said was okay or not.  Also another girl is making her friends-way into the group and I’m jealous she’s doing it so easily and quickly when she has expressed to me anxiety about it.  I wish I could be like that, I guess more jealous of the ability and how she is received.

And tonight I brought up something about the online dating and my friend was like oh you’ve given up on that, but I don’t think I have.  I still don’t know where I stand with the girl I went on a couple dates with and (of course) have the fear she is stringing me along.  If I find out she is, I move on.  But I’m not sure right now and I got a lot going on with things beginning to change with the meds again.  It’d definitely be easier just to work things out with her or let them sit stagnate how they are right now and once I know for sure then act.  But maybe I’m just using an excuse because it is hard for me, very hard.  I always have a struggle with not thinking I’m doing enough and sometimes pushing myself too far.  An example in counseling I mentioned to case manager about being open to working on the alcoholism childhood and all and she was like no you’re just starting to stabilize, lets not dive into anything.  You always want to do that.  And yes I always do because I don’t know how long this will last and if I only do things when stable I’d be missing out on a lot in life.  So am I missing out on dating and sex right now? or is it fine for this figuring out period because I got so much else going on?

Protected: Splitting of the roads

3 Nov

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Let me tell you a story

21 Mar

As I was driving home from IOP this evening I was thinking of codependency; it being fresh in my mind after our skills group on “The Spectrum of Addiction.”  My mom was a binge drinker, she would abuse alcohol and be literally unable to care for herself or us kids when my dad would be out of town for periods of time.  So because of this apparently I have an alcoholic family structure, though this post is more just about co-dependency.

When my dad would call to see how things were, us kids would lie.  I don’t know if we were threatened, ashamed, or thought we were to blame but whatever the reason we lied for mom.  She was sleeping, or not feeling well, or just went to the store…. every time he called.  Yeah things were okay and that’s how it was left.  My sister still has some anger that my dad never “caught on” when a week would go by with the same stories every time he called.

When my dad leaves my mom still doesn’t really “take care” of me.  Granted I’m not twelve anymore but because of my mental illness I do need support and my dad is usually the one that provides that.  Making sure I have eaten and that I don’t stay in my bed all day and such.  Usually, now when he goes out of town he tries to set up people to take me out to lunch or tells my mom to.  He also leaves me money so I can take other people or do things.

I know he asks my mom because he will sometimes ask me, “Did mom and you go to Mexican food?”  I also know sometimes he calls and will directly ask me how I am and other times he will call and ask my mom.  Granted I sometimes lie when he calls not wanting to ruin his vacation but usually will just be more evasive and short than flat out lie.

Last November he was gone somewhere and I wasn’t doing well.  Don’t ask me where I don’t remember, he is gone just too much. And I guess he had called my mom and my mom lied and said I was doing great. (Yes I also sometimes try to appear well when not because I don’t want to be a burden or deal with them on top of it.)  Later that week I took myself to the emergency room and was almost admitted to the hospital, right by my birthday see relevant post.  My dad was just between trip and was going to be going out of town for the weekend to the drag races.  I guess he consulted with my sister about whether he should still go or not.  And he was saying how he thought I was doing well and talking about how my mom said I had been doing well.  My sister got angry and talked about how I had been self medicating just about every night.  In other words my mom was lying.

Long story short, my mom lied for me, I lied for my mom.  Our whole family lives in a world where we try to “protect” people from the truth when it will effect us badly.  The reason I bring this up: I was afraid I would fall apart and get hospitalized when my dad left for his most recent trip.  I’ve been to the hospital before and last time he was actually out of the country as well.  But I’m afraid he will no longer travel because of me and then resent/blame me for it.  Yeah, it’s codependent but the history goes way back and this was a story to prove it.