Tag Archives: 20 somethings friend

Update 9/7/17

7 Sep

Things have been so -so the last week, before that it was chaos.  The back 2s (voices) came back for a go.  I was having flashback symptoms.  Bad dreams.  And mood swings like nothing.

I’m still having bad dreams but their not trans related more abandonment related and BPD stuff.  My mood has stabilized out and my case manager is probably right it was missing my hormones for 2 days (4 doses).  The flashbacks are less frequent but there still there.  The other night it was bad enough I had to take my bracelets and fitbit off.  The voices subsided, not sure why or what not but I’m just glad.

20 somethings friend is coming to visit in less than a week so I’m excited about that.  It turns out with my fall schedule I can still help babysit my nephew on Mondays like I’ve been doing this summer, so I’m excited about that.

GRE bootcamp has started and it’s a lot of work.  I’m now glad I have a 1/2 day tomorrow because I have an appointment with my case manager.  Next week I’ll be taking a friend from gender group to SF for an appt so I’ll do a 1/2 day or take the full day off, so looking forward to another break again.

Abandonment sneaking back in

22 Aug

Honestly, I’m surprised it waited until now.  It’ll less than a month till I’ll be moving out and officially starting UC Davis in the Fall Quarter which means that it is also less than a month until 20 something’s friend will be moving to San Diego.  It’s starting to feel real, I’m starting to get sad, and I’m beginning to get overwhelmed.  It started about a week and a half ago when he went there for a week long program at UCSD.  One of the first days I just kinda lost it, and in front of my mom of all people.  And for some reason I was seeking sympathy from her, talking about barking up the wrong tree and I should know better.  I guess I was desperate.  I tried my DBT skills all week.  I FB messaged him a couple times but he was so busy with workshops and not and I didn’t want to be that person.  After he got back I got a sweet postcard, I wish I had gotten it while he was gone, but since I was wrapped up in emotion mind a couple times I’m not sure it would have helped.  I tried making plans with other friends, but my other blogger friends with BPD probably know how it is they are not 20 somethings friend; and it isn’t the same.  It won’t be the same.  It’s not the end of the world.  But I’m losing my best friend.  I have trouble making friends because of all my other issues and there won’t be anyone else in the world like him.

All over the place

30 Jun

My mood has kinda been all over the place lately and mostly reliant on other people or me level of boredom.  Which isn’t healthy.  Sometimes it’s not.  I’m kinda excited about starting summer school and the whole transition of moving out and transferring to UC Davis, but I try not to think about it to much because I don’t want to get overwhelmed.  Since I’m only taking one class this summer and it doesn’t start till August 1st, I was thinking about delving into some help type things I’ve been avoiding like maybe looking into talking about gender identity (though it isn’t bothering me too much right now) or looking into ACOA groups, again it’s not bothering me too much.  I guess things don’t have to be really difficult at the time to bother you, if you still know they are an issue.  I know when school starts up, it will be too crazy.  I’m interested to see what this ASD eval has to say.  I was talking to 20 something friend today about relationships and meeting people and how I don’t have skills and sometimes no interest and he was talking about like an ASD group or something.  I don’t know if that exists and technically I don’t know if I have a diagnosis or will.  I know in the past from being friends with others with BPD it was a mistake and caused a lot of drama.  I know I was trying not to look up info on ASD until I heard from the doctors, but I wanted to know what the new DSM5 had to say about it as I heard they were doing away with Aspergers and that’s most likely what I think I would be diagnosed with.  I was not surprised to find I met most the criteria but then that it said it had to be ruled out for schizophrenia, so I wonder if they will roll all the “social functioning” issues I have under the schizo in schizoaffective and then have the sensory issues in the Sensory Processing Disorder and just kind of ignore the other weird quirks like delayed sexuality, poor motor skills, my fixations, routines and problems with change.  So many questions and probably few will get answered.

I’ve come a long way

13 Jun

I use to be really clingy.  I don’t really attach to many people, so when I do it’s like I hold on for dear life.  Along with that BPD fear of rejection or abandonment.  My best friend needs alone time and has other time he spends with other friends or classmates and it use to really trigger me.  I’m much better about it now.  Before it would sometimes set off the voices and me into an emotional tirade to where I’d be on the edge of going to the hospital or I’d be self medicating, since I wasn’t self harming anymore.

I think maybe DBT helped a little, but mostly just growing up and realizing that you can’t always have someone 24/7.  Trying not to dwell on it when he has plans with other people or just needs his alone time. Using that time to do stuff with my sister or other friends, or as some of my alone time.

Anyways I’m really proud of myself in this area, because when you cling too much you annoy people and push them away.


13 Mar

So overanalyzing as I often do…

I’m comfortable with how my social life is right now. (should probably knock on some wood)  I have one best friend and I don’t see him much because we are both busy with school now.  We aren’t even texting each other between classes or when he’s at work or anything too, but that’s not bothering me or poking at my BPD abandonment fears.  I’m all okay.  Even as I went to the NAMI Walks Kickoff Luncheon on Friday I was reminded of how I don’t like doing this social stuff.  When I talk to people in class and make “small talk” how I wish I could avoid it or how it seems so awkward.  Things have changed.  I’ve always been kind of a loner, but a loner that thought they needed someone to complete them or take care of them.  Now I’m pretty sure I’ll be okay by myself.  But do I want to be by myself?  Sort of?  I like the situation with me and 20 somethings friend and I like it better when there are breaks and we can have more fun when we both have more open schedule and can hang out more.  But I remember being disappointed when people are busy with work, school, friends, or whatever and I’m bored with nothing.  But I do not need or want a lot of socialization it wears me out and it’s hard and I wonder if the whole Autistic Spectrum thing is playing into that.

So as far as my socializing ability/roles whatever goes I have the schizo stuff kinda dis-intreset disconnect, the BPD abandonment fears + i need someone, the social anxiety, and now maybe some aspie stuff mixed in too

Like I wasn’t complicated enough before, I guess this is just changing the equation

Making sense

24 Feb

The other night, my mom was blowing me off and I felt unloved and insignificant.  It sent me down, but not into an emotional spiral like it would have in the past.  I was trying to cope with it and the ensuing feeling of loneliness and insignificance.  I texted my sister to see about going over to see her and the dog, but she had a meeting to go to and since I had just been crying and emotional, I didn’t want to go with just her husband and the dog.  20 somethings friend was at the closer college for chemistry club so I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up for ice cream, after club ended.  I was still feeling sorta desperate and even put a status update on my Facebook, even though it was my “lesser” Facebook.

It ended up me and 20 somethings friend met at Baskins and Robbins for ice cream, I had mentioned something about my mom.  I was mostly over it by now, but he said something I perceived as insensitive and invalidating to the effect of your parents don’t owe you anything.  I didn’t want to argue.  I didn’t want it to effect me too much so we quickly changed topics and I tried not to think about it.

But like usual I dwell.  And he often makes similar comments and I know he’s not trying to hurt me feeling or invalidate my experience, that’s just how he is.  At counseling today I mentioned it and my case manager hit it on the head.  He puts things in an intellectual world.  And we could have had an intellectual debate on how technically your parents don’t owe you anything and examples and so on and so forth.  But I was in my emotional state.  And he doesn’t really go there often so when I do say thing and am upset he goes with an intellectual or in DBT term rational mind response and I feel invalidated, because he doesn’t validate those emotions like wise mind would.  I don’t think it’s my place to tell him that and I don’t think he’d take it well either.  But it’s a good realization to have, he’s not insensitive just stuck being rational.


15 Feb

This weekend me and 20 somethings friend went to Disneyland, it was his first time ever coming here. I was a little nervous because I wasn’t sure how he was going to like it, and then super excited because you know how I feel about Disneyland. He liked it more than he thought he would so that’s a win in my eyes. I’ve had a lot of opportunities to practice my DBT Skills even though things are going good, like keeping up on hygiene, half smiling (when annoyed by line jumping kids and teenagers), being assertive about getting the room I wanted, turning the mind, being mindful.  For those who know Disneyland this is what we did at that park:

  • Matterhorn bobsleds
  • Space mountain which is currently called hyperspace mountain cuz Star Wars stuff
  • The many adventures of Winnie the Pooh
  • Mr. Toads wild ride
  • The haunted mansion
  • Big thunder railroad
  • Indian jones
  • Tarzan’s treehouse
  • Pirates of the carabiarean
  • The dark adventure of Snow White
  • It’s a small world.

At California adventure park we went on these rides

  • California screamin
  • Toy story midway mania
  • Goofys sky school
  • The little mermaid
  • Radiator springs racers
  • Tower of terror
  • Trolley
  • Animation academy
  • Soarin over California
  • Mad T Party
  • World of Color

The castle at Disney at night.

Take Note

20 Jan

Today I saw the therapist.  I was mentioning how yesterday was a really good day, if you follow my Facebook page for my blog I had updated my status to “feeling jazzed.”  Usually I am stressed at the beginning of a semester and it is not uncommon to be on the verge of making a decision to be hospitalized.  I always tell myself stick it through the first few weeks and if you still feel this way then you can go to the hospital and it won’t have as much of an effect on school.  Maybe anxiety, self sabotaging, I don’t know.  On top of this semester staring yesterday, my first class was a Fitness- Walking Class.  I despise exercise but need it for my general ed on my AA degree.  The Orientation was pleasant and I’m looking forward to the motivation and structure to walk twice a week for an hour, and also hoping to lose a little weight.  In the end of the evening I ended up going to dinner and dessert with 20 something friend.  It was nice to catch up before our school schedules go crazy on us.  I also just realized today he was giving me some dating advice and now that I realize he had and analyzed it it makes good sense, good advice.

So I mentioned to the therapist that maybe I should write down days that happen like this so I can go back when as she says everything is all “doom and gloom.”  So I will document some of that here and some I may do handwritten in a journal.  Today was also good.  Not the jazzed feeling of yesterday but a good day.  I went to two of my core classes and got to figure out how they were going to go.  I was a little disappointed that there were no test dates scheduled and they are announced a week or so beforehand because I like to write things down in my planner.  Even though they usually get moved anyways.  High school friend won a case so we are suppose to celebrate and go to dinner tonight but she is running late so maybe later tonight or another day.


30 Dec

I woke up pretty early because I went to bed early last night.  I hate days where I don’t have anything to do or just don’t actually end up doing anything.  As soon as I got up my mom told me my counseling appointment had been canceled.  My first reaction was to go back to bed, an imminent sign that today was going to be bad again.  I only laid in bed for about 5 minutes before I got up and told myself I was going to try and have a good day.  I ate breakfast and made some cinnamon rolls, my way of self-soothing.  I distracted for a little while playing all my lives in Candy Crush.  After writing this I’m going to go take a bath or work on my SMASH book, self-care and more distracting.  I need to stay away from the news today, there are too many triggering stories.  My mind has already gone a little wild catastrophizing why my case manager had to cancel my appointment.  I’m trying to recognize this as a cognitive distortion and distract myself so I don’t keep coming back to it.  I’m going to text 20 somethings friend when it gets a little later in the morning, I don’t want to wake him up, and try to plan some purposeful pleasure.   It’s a day for a lot of DBT skills.

I hate being told I’m choosing this.

9 Dec

I got the brunt of this cold today and have been mostly eating and sleeping.  I was debating on what to bring up with my case manager as I saw her today.  She was trying to overgeneralize my problems (and it felt like minimizing them too).  I was pointing out that over the last month each problem and my perceived trigger or stress related to it.  It began the day I got my official conditional offer to UC Davis with me taking the rest of a bottle of Nyquil and not going on a pre-planned social trip.  There was a night in between when I took all the Benadryl I had which was only 6 tablets, I had got rid of most of them that same day to my sister because I know something’s not right with me.  There was thanksgiving when I got super suicidal (still unsure of trigger there).  The fight with 20 somethings friend a day later.  And the motivation to end the friendship before I was going to be the one to be abandoned.  There was another night that week, where I had dug the razor I’d taken apart on Thanksgiving out of the trash.  There’s the voices that have been back since Sun/Mon and then the kids trigger yesterday.  Really there is a lot of variety, and so many traumas in my life- which she agreed with.

I was incorrect about my assumption that she wouldn’t work with me, but if we do work on that she wants to keep it on that topic and not jump around to whatever is going on in my life.  She mentioned if I choose that route I should find someone else to meet with weekly to handle all this other stuff.  It gave me a lot to think about.  She says when I’m sensitive like today and we mix volatile things it just doesn’t work.  I feel like I’m always sensitive, there needs to be a better word but her other one’s are too harsh.   I think the transferring and 20 somethings friend leaving are real things and have an imminent date.  I gather it is more important to address these things.  (Also easier).  But I’m not sure how to describe it other than panic and how when I get like that I’d rather be dead.  I get impulsive and I can’t tolerate the distress very well.

We also talked about how I’m usually trying to get my self worth from other people, she used different words but it’s the same meaning.  I want people to make me feel better and tell me I’m a good person because I can’t seem to do it by myself.  I agree to some point, I have horrible self-esteem but sometimes I know I have at least some good qualities.  She also talked about how I choose to believe the truth of the voices or the thoughts in my head and all the negative.  Yet another thing that pissed me off.  I don’t consciously do this.  I’m not choosing to have a miserable life.  And I couldn’t explain it to her at the time (because I was so emotional and just not clear headed)  Like I said in a blog the other day about the voices and them being omni everything.  She’d probably just say that it’s my choice to believe that.

I hate being told I’m choosing this.


**In the end today was okay.  There are just 3 days left of school and the end is near.  I feel like if I can just focus on these 3 days I’ll be okay.  It’s a lot about the moments right now.  I’m going to stick to working on the transferring and 20 somethings friend stuff because it seems more relevant and forward.  I’m going to ask her to bring up the kid thing again at a later point and maybe I’ll be ready.  I got to stop looking for reassurance or care from other people.  I can kind of do this myself now and I need to put it into practice.  She says I care too much.  I think that can be a good thing I just have to learn to care too much about me too.**