4 Dec

I was starting to come out of the darkness.  A few people had convinced me that whatever happens life will be okay and to stop worrying so much about the future.  That took away a lot of the panic I was experiencing.  Enough so that I got it about 4 days of studying the GRE before actually taking it.  Unfortunately, I scored lower than I did on the practice tests in boot camp including the very intro test with no introduction or studying of the the GRE.  Now I am even more disillusioned.  I know I can take it again, and I will have to, and study more or take private lessons or figure something out.  But there is only 2 weeks left of school.  There are 3 papers due this week, and 3 finals next week.  Because of the post-GRE feelings I feel hopeless about everything (yes I know this is some form of cognitive distortion) and don’t want/can’t find the energy to work on the essays.  All I want to do is sleep.  I’m having crying spells again.  Last night I ended up taking some anxiety medicine.  I don’t expect to be feeling better after this quarter is over.

Socialness or lack there of… and an update

29 Nov

So I’ve mentioned in prior blogs my issues with social situations and how I don’t have the best social skills.  I used to be diagnosed with social anxiety and I just refused to be involved with anything unless someone I knew was there with me, and most times I just clung to them and stayed quiet.  Even though I venture out a little more, I’m still pretty awkward and have few “friends.”  I know some people and I think sometimes I’m better at holding a conversation, but it’s a lot of prep and practicing and obsessing before I try to initiate and normally people don’t just talk to me. (at least at school)  So a couple years ago I got flagged for an Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) assessment because of my sensory processing disorder and a few other things that fit on the spectrum such as my problems with balance, having one friend only and always being more by myself, being really dependent and not where I should be age wise (just moving out at 33 and learning to cook and live independently), bad eye contact, sickness as kid.  And I think that was it.  Anyways the ASD evaluation after a number of months said no because my mom did an questionnaire and apparently I was a normal baby.  I’m not so sure, also I don’t trust my mom.  But I’ll let it go because at this point in my life there is nothing they can really do for me other than giving me a label.  I’m trying to still learn stuff though and do behavioral stuff to function with less problems.  I’ve been trying new foods, where before I’d only eat at like 5 different restaurants and 5 things.  I’ve gotten better at showering, even though I’m not to soaping yet.  I haven’t really started on the washing hands.  I don’t know if there is anything I can do with my balance issues.  Eye contact is still hard, I guess I’m trying and with social situations but I feel like I’m getting no where.  Everything seems false.

As for the general update I’m trying not to worry to much about the future and the whole life worth living.  So I won’t get suicidal.  I’m trying to focus on now and what I can do, regardless of how things go with family and finances.

I still feel very alone.

18 Nov

The more I think. The more hopeless and apathetic I get. I know apathetic is a lack of feeling but I mean hopeless as a thought. It’s getting worse. I don’t want to end up in the hospital because of effects it’ll have on transitioning. Of course not being alive could have effects too. I’m not that desperate… yet.

Protected: A life worth living

16 Nov

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16 Nov

I’m starting to struggle again.  It started with a panic attack Thursday night and the “hangover” effects and depression that have continued since.  I’ve been trying to sleep (mostly) or distract when I have to stay awake, or I get panicky, overwhelmed and suicidal.  It mostly has to do with the future and it’s pretty much paralyzing me in the present which is effecting my future.  I’m not sure about grad school, I have a real hard time with motivation and doing work alone.  I love the academics but can’t self-motivate or hold myself accountable very well.  Along with that is that I have signed up to take the GRE the first weekend in December and have done no studying even though I did horrible on the practice test.  I know I need to do it, but for some reason I can’t force myself to sit down and do it.  So maybe I can’t continue in school.  Am I able to work now?  I’ve done it once and the result to my mental health was detrimental.  What would I do?

I’ve finally got the okay to come out to my other family members from my mom.  She still doesn’t think it’s a good idea.  Well I’m not looking forward to it either, but I need to tell my dad and lil sis so I can be out completely and not worry about someone telling them before I do, and so I can make changes I want.  I plan on doing it after the holidays.  That’s causing some anxiety too.

I went to a name change workshop Monday, on how to legally change my name.  They walked me through it and helped me fill out the forms.  Now they are ready when I’m ready to file.

Since not doing well, I haven’t been to most my classes and things for college, like an academic advising appointment.  I spend most my time in my room in bed, usually sleeping but sometimes awake just worrying.  I don’t know what to do to get out of this episode.

I feel like after typing this just going to bed and not doing more schoolwork and trying to jam it in tomorrow or just hope for the best for the quiz. It’s 7pm.

Since I’m Avoiding Homework

2 Nov

25 Get to Know Me Questionss

1. What is your middle name?:

New one to be: James

2. What was your favorite subject at school?

Math- pre college.  Languages-college

3. What is your favorite drink?:

Pumpkin Spice Latte or Red Bull

4. What is your favorite song at the moment?

what about us by pink

5. What is your favorite food?: 

Anything sweet

6. What is the last thing you bought?

minimal groceries

7. Favorite book of all time?

hitchhikers guide to the galaxy

8. Favorite Color?:


9. Do you have any pets?:


10. Favorite Perfume?

None.  Have SPD, smells really bother me

11. Favorite Holiday?:

Halloween, then daylight savings time ending 😉

12. Are you married?


13. Have you ever been out of the country, if so how many times?:

Mexico, Canada, Australia, Caymen Islands

14. Do you speak any other language?

Spanish, Italian, American Sign Language, French, and a little bit of Ancient Greek

15. How many siblings do you have?:

Two sisters

16. What is your favorite shop?


17. Favorite restaurant?

Thai Chili

18. When was the last time you cried?

About a week ago

19. Favorite Blog?:

I have a few

20. Favorite Movie?

Drop Dead Fred and Lilo and Stitch

21. Favorite TV shows?


22. PC or Mac?:


23. What phone do you have?

I have an iphone six

24. How tall are you?

5′ 6″

25. Can you cook?



Not sure I’ll sleep tonight

26 Oct

Today was my nephew’s 1st birthday, it was also the first day I got my testosterone shot.  I got it late in the day and have since had an energy drink to be able to stay up and do homework and now I feel as if I won’t sleep.  Hopefully it’s a passing feeling.  I was going to write a blog the other day about preferred names and I had it titled but never got around to writing the content.  I’ve had more than a couple situations lately where I’ve been told that they must use my name on my drivers license.  While volunteering at a local elementary school not only does it have that name on it, but my drivers license photo which is pre-transition.  It has me thinking about just legally changing the name and not the gender and getting a new drivers license and credit cards and all that.  I’m not ready to legally change my gender yet, heck I just started testosterone today.  But having people I don’t know starting to use my birth name is counter productive to what I’m trying to do.  At the school I just go by Ty and use my sunglasses to cover up the name and photo.  I’m still okay with some people still using my old name, mostly because not all family knows yet and I don’t want to be assertive cuz i lack those skills.

At different rates

18 Oct

I feel like some people I know come out as transgender and then transition so fast: get on hormones, legally change their name and gender, it’s just so fast.  With me it’s been a year already and I’m not even on testosterone yet.  I will be in less than month probably but I feel left behind or maybe not as legitimate.  I’m also not ready to legally change my name and gender, my whole family doesn’t even know I go by a different name yet.  I don’t correct people who call me by my birth name that knew me before.  It makes me second guess if this is all real.  But on the other hand I know it’s real because the dysphoria is getting more intense and while I don’t push my name and gender on people it makes me happy when people get it right, even if it’s sort of wrong.  Like in class the other day, a classmate gave me a paper with the wrong name on it, but it was a male name.  It’s just kinda frustrating transitioning at an older age, getting your BA at an older age, moving out from your parents at an older age.  I feel like I’m behind on everything but I just got to remember we all do things at different rates.

Some updates

11 Oct

We are in week 3 at school right now.  It is interesting as I feel like I live in two different worlds there is my school and trans world where I am Ty and then my home and hometown world where I am Marci.  I sometimes forget where I am and just default to Marci, this happened at a college placement last night, where I had to scratch out my name and initials and redo them.  The school has my name as Ty and I probably wouldn’t get my volunteering hours.  I’m not sure how much longer I will have to keep this separate, my mom doesn’t want me to tell my dad until at least next year.  I don’t think I can go much longer than that.

I just started using male pronouns.   It’s similar to when I changed my preferred name, I hear it and it takes awhile for it to click in my brain that they are talking about me.  I hope I get better at recognizing it and getting used to it, like I have with the name.  I still sometimes don’t respond to my preferred name though.  My reasoning for using male pronouns is strange- it is that I don’t like female pronouns or being identified as female.  Hardly anyone does third person pronouns (they, them) so it’s the choice left over.

Things are going good.

Pissed. Rant over

2 Oct

I’m so mad right now, and mad is a very censored way of saying how I feel.  A mass shooting happened in Las Vegas last night and the voices love mass shootings.  When I found out about it, I immediately tried to stay away from the news and let the voices know it wouldn’t interest them as it wasn’t their usual focal points: family oriented, on a school campus, or targeted towards the LGBT community.  That got me through class, until they found out how many people were killed then all games were off.  Luckily I only had one class, so I went home and took 1/2 a Latuda and a Valium hoping to nip this in the bud.  After a 4 hr twilight slumber/episode I goy up and attempted to start my day.  I did some reading that took longer than usual because of foggy- headiness that comes with the drugged feeling.  I did 1/2 of it with the intention of doing the rest in the morning.  I went to take my nighttime meds and lo and behold.  I hadn’t taken my morning meds or last nights meds.  I’m so pissed, if I had remembered my meds I may not have had an episode that caused for emergency meds.  And the reason I miss my meds is because of long term memory loss side effects of ECT treatments which were for my mental illness.  This thing just feeds upon itself.  Rant over.