More on Autism

11 Apr

So I’ve mentioned before that both my case manager and the therapist wanted to have me evaluated to see if I fell on the Autistic Spectrum.  This was due to a variety of issues including my Sensory Processing Disorder, issues with eye contact, problems with socializing, and falling a lot.  With Kaiser’s evaluation system that took like 3 months to go through I was found not to have an ASD because I did not present symptoms as an infant, though I met enough criteria currently and had since a child.  This has been upsetting me a lot.  Transferring to UC Davis, I still haven’t made any connections and while I don’t need to have a lot of friends and to be honest am not interested in having a lot of friends, I would like to have one or two.  I never seem to say the right thing and I can’t figure out people.  My case manager went to a training about a week ago now and she said a lot of females on the spectrum are misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar because Autism is about not being able to control your emotions.  I have both.  She said if it’s any something she thinks I’m somewhere on the spectrum and that they need to train Kaiser doctors better.

I know several autistic young adults.  I found this on the internet the other day:

What do you think the most common cause of premature death is among adults of typical or high intelligence with autism spectrum disorders? It’s suicide.

A large study was recently published in the British Journal of Psychiatry that examined the risk of death among the 27,122 persons diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders in Sweden when compared to age-matched controls. One significant finding from the study is that on average, persons with autism die sixteen years sooner than would be anticipated.  The finding we’ll examine more closely is that adults with autism and no intellectual disability are over nine times more likely to commit suicide when compared to their age-matched peers. Unlike the general population, in which men are significantly more likely to commit suicide than women, women with autism were at higher risk of suicide in this study than men.

Last month’s study isn’t the only signal that persons with autism are especially vulnerable to suicide.

  • study of 10-14 year-olds with autism reported that 70% of kids with autism also had at least one mental health disorder such as anxiety, ADHD or depression, and 41% had at least two comorbid mental health disorders. Of those with ADHD, 84% received a second comorbid diagnosis.
  • Kids with autism were 28 times more likely to experience suicidal ideation than age-matched peers without autism in this study.
  • In a study of 374 adults with Asperger’s Disorder, 66% of 367 respondents self-reported suicidal ideation, 127 (35%) of 365 respondents self-reported plans or attempts at suicide, and 116 (31%) of 368 respondents self-reported depression. Adults with Asperger’s syndrome were nearly ten times as likely to report lifetime experience of suicidal ideation than individuals from a general UK population sample, and more prone to suicidal ideation than people with one, two, or more medical illnesses, or people with psychotic illness.

Why might suicide represent such an enormous problem among high-functioning persons with autism spectrum disorders?

They’re more likely to experience social isolation and lack social supports. In the fall of 2014, we shared this anonymous post from a college student describing her experience of trying to attend church as a person with autism. Imagine how the challenges she describes would impact her day to day life outside of church.

High-functioning kids with autism are significantly more likely to become victims of bullying when compared to their peers with autism and intellectual disability. It’s become socially inappropriate to ridicule persons with an obvious disability…less so when the disability isn’t so obvious.

They’re more likely to experience difficulties with executive functioning that may translate into a greater risk of acting upon suicidal impulses, more difficulty employing effective problem-solving skills and more difficulty self-regulating emotions. Learn more here about the challenges persons face with executive functioning challenges.

Their propensity to become very fixated on specific thoughts or ideas may intensify suicidal thoughts, or result in more difficulty letting go of feelings of hopelessness when they occur.

http://www.keyministry.org/church4everychild/2017/4/4/the-suicide-epidemic-among-high-functioning-persons-with-autism

PS I’ve been more suicidal with less friendship and more lonely lately.

It’s time for an update

4 Apr

A lot has gone on since the last update.  I have decided to change from identifying as gender variant to gender queer, as I learn more about the community and more about what terms mean I learn more where I fit.  Since my sexuality is no where near heterosexual and is shifting with my gender identity as well as still staying somewhat on the asexual spectrum, I decided to go with gender queer.   I talked to the therapist yesterday AGAIN about being referred to the gender specialist and I think it’s finally going to happen!  At least she thinks I’m stable enough.  I’m not going to mention the last bout with the voices to the therapist or my case manager for a couple weeks, just in case.

I plan on getting my hair cut to look more masculine and also because it gets super hot here in California in the summer, and it’s already starting to warm up.  My roommates don’t keep the apartment as cool as my parents kept the house and next year it will be harder as we will be paying utilities.  I know people will have a problem with my hair cut, but I hope they will adjust.

I got accepted to go to T-Camp which is a retreat for people under the Trans umbrella at colleges in northern California; it’s two days and coming up next weekend.  I’m not sure what to expect but I’m excited I got accepted.

I’m also starting NAMI’s Peer to Peer class in mid April and I’ve been trying to get into that for like 2 years.  It’s either been in the wrong county or interfered with my school schedule.  It’s 10 sessions, twice a week.

So lots of exciting things coming up!

Protected: Voices and triggers

28 Mar

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TG#1

22 Mar

I went to gender group tonight and we were talking about the term trans* specifically with the asterisk and what people thought of it and whether it was inclusive or outdated or whatnot.  Most everyone didn’t like it.  I don’t really care one way or the other, but was surprised to see people had such strong opinions about it.  I think it’s important to have a name for our community that doesn’t just include transgender men and transgender women, but also non-binary people, gender non-conforming people, gender queer, agender, gender variant, and all other people under the trans umbrella.  I guess it is outdated, but there isn’t really anything else and I identify as gender variant and that’s not really well knows so I just say under the trans umbrella and then I have to explain what that means.

So I went to gender group tonight on Campus and as I was walking to my car, there was a bicyclist that was riding on the sidewalk.  I don’t know maybe they were trying to park their bike, I will give them the benefit of the doubt.  So I was trying to cross the sidewalk to get through another walking path when the bicyclist was like “Excuse me, Sir” and we managed not to crash into each other.  Which was nice, I’ve already been hit on campus by a bicyclist before.  Anyways, Not even wearing my binder or anything.  Just normal clothes and my baseball hat and my glasses.  But what I noticed it both times I’ve been male gendered I’ve had my glasses on, so maybe I should wear my glasses more frequently.

Quarter winding down

19 Mar

Quarter is winding down at college.  I mentioned I signed up for 5 classes, which is a lot.  I was sorta manic and 3 classes last quarter didn’t keep me busy enough.  I’m not going to pass one, but I changed it from a graded class to a Pass-No Pass class.  This is the first time I’ve never passed a class in my life.  My identity and self-worth use to be so built around my intelligence I had a hard time once I started failing Greek, but I’ve sort of accepted it.  I have all A’s and B’s in my other classes.  I went to the NAMI Kick Off Luncheon Friday and they didn’t give me a star walker pin.  You get a star walker pin for raising over $1,000; I raised over $2,000 last year.  I actually had the courage to speak to one of the people in charge and they said they’s look into it.  I should mark off assertiveness on my DBT Skills list.

All my in class finals are tomorrow and a large paper is due by 5pm.  I should be working on it right now, but I’m not.  I have a hard time working on things unless it’s crunch time or I’m with other people who are working on things too.  I’ve taken 3 naps already today.  My not taking my medication as prescribed is catching up with me.  I haven’t been loading my pill chart, mostly out of laziness.  So I’ve only been taking 1/2 of my mood stabilizers and 1/2 my PTSD meds and my sleep has been off at night; therefore I’m sleeping more during the day.  Last night at 1am I took the extra meds I should normally take.  I need to load my pill chart today.

Next quarter will only be 3 classes, it will be less stressful.  Hopefully, busy enough to keep me motivated though.  Next week is spring break, 20 somethings friend is coming!  I’m so excited!

NAMI Walks 2017

14 Mar

NAMI Walks 2017!

2016 Team Pic

2015 Team Pic

2014 Team Pic

NAMI Walks 2013

 

 

http://www.namiwalks.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donordrive.participant&participantID=63919

The problems lack of memory brings

5 Mar

Today while driving back to my apartment from home, I was crying which is a pretty normal occurrence.  It’s a 40 minute drive, I’m alone and I don’t have to worry about anyone finding me or asking me questions.  As I was crying and thinking about my time here at UC Davis, my transition, and my lack of friends I was wondering if this was what it was like at the private christian college.  Of course I don’t remember!

With everything going on, I’m getting back suicidal again.  I think it might help if I could remember if this is what it was like before, because if it was- I either adjusted, quit, or got through it; because hey I’m here.

Again mostly annoyed by the lack of friends.  Which makes the thought of dying easier when there is no one to live for.  I got the few standard people but they are most distant with my school duties and their current life duties.

Apparently again can’t be ASD because I care about having a friend or two.  Fucking ridiculous.  And these people are suppose to be professionals.  People annoy me to most an extent and I’m picky as hell about friends, but I want a couple.

Oh March

28 Feb

Coming into a notoriously rough month for me. Last therapy and counseling session have just been emotional and I don’t usually get emotional with the therapist because I don’t trust her. Yesterday I saw her. I was so tired, comes with the depression, and maybe the wear off of the weeekend hypomanic episode. I slept all but 3 hours of classes, an hour of therapy, an hour and a half of driving, about 45 mins of dinner, and 45 mins waiting for dinner. I’m not getting school work done, I’m not getting anything done. I haven’t been taking my medication as prescribed because I don’t have the energy to load my pill chart and/or sleep through doses. I didn’t even talk about the referral to the gender specialist yesterday. I did mention the bottom dysphoria from last week and that I went to a Trans rally over the weekend because the whole bathroom thing. Mostly we talked about my social situation, not having friends. Not being able to make friends and not really having social skills I talked about this with my case manager last week too. It’s really getting to me. I guess I’m getting closer to my planner friends but I really only see them once a month, thinking about joining their chat next month- when school calms down. I’m failing a class, and I care but I don’t again depression, I doubt I can pull off a passing grade but I’m thankful 20 somethings friend and my sister talked me into changing it into a Pass No Pass grading system. I’m taking 19 units on the quarter system right now which is a lot of classes. That’s all for now. 

A lot

24 Feb

A lot has happened since I last posted but I’m trying to put that behind me and move on, maybe a retroactive update later
Today the gender dysphoria was strong. I looked in the mirror and I immediately had to look away. I got dressed in the corner so the walls couldn’t see me. The gender dysphoria that usually goes with my breasts was combined with the body dysphoria that I get with my weight sometime. However this is the first time I had gender dysphoria for my bottom half. It was strange. That’s why while I don’t fully identify as trans I want to leave my options open. I feel like I’ve lived in a certain environment where certain things weren’t even allowed to be thought about until now.  

Steps forward steps backwards

15 Feb

I feel life going and it’s just kinda going in circles, sometimes I think I am making progress and then something happens and I think the progress that I made, I didn’t make.  I changed my Greek to a Pass-No Pass status which was a good thing because I failed the Midterm.  I don’t think I have ever failed anything I have ever tried in my life before, granted I didn’t try as hard as I could.  I’m still okay with it though because I got a zero on a part that I didn’t have any idea on so when I subtracted that out I didn’t do that bad.  Maybe I’m just rationalizing it, I don’t know.  I can’t drop the class, so I just need to pass it.  Things are still real difficult on the social front and it’s getting harder to pretend it just doesn’t bother me.  I’m okay with a lot of time alone and my family lives close by so thats okay.  But it’s just frustrating trying and failing, even though I know I’m not good at this.  Like the people say their the ones missing out but when I don’t see myself that way then, I just see myself lacking.