Independence thoughts

10 Aug

About a week ago I moved out of student housing into a duplex.  I’m sharing the duplex with 2 of my roommates from student housing apartments but they are not moving in until Sept 20.  I like the independence but it’s also a bit lonely and I’m trying to get use to that without letting it send me into a depression or a series or a negative thought loop I can’t get out of.  A few times I’ve just had to leave.

Tonight I was laying in bed and able to stay in a neutral state for quite longer than I expected.  I have messaged some friends, but so far no one has responded.  They weren’t desperate messages and I’m not desperate and hope not to go there.  I have a mini list of things in my head to do to keep me from falling off the deep end.

I just wonder if I can do this for a month and a half?  If it will get easier, or what?

A little clearer headed

9 Aug

No ones giving up on you. That’s the borderline talking probably with a mix of the hormones and skipping a night dose of meds surely doesn’t help. 

The anxiety and fears are still there. I wish I had the reassurance. I guess I need to learn to reassure myself. Off to bed to count, to block the thoughts and the lyrics. If it gets too bad I brought my head phones for “Move Along.”

Say something I’m giving up on you

9 Aug

I let a few too many things trigger a crash and now I don’t know how to get out of it. I can just blame a bunch but it feels like all my fault which is make my it worse. The only way I can see it clearing up or me at least calming down is reassurance from the friend but he doesn’t do that, especially when I’m upset. So I guess I just have to be upset or just rethink this friendship. What friends won’t reassure you when you’re upset?


7 Aug

It’s interesting well scary kinda… I can skip three doses and I feel myself start floating away.  Like sanity is slowly slipping away.  I’m an adult and I can make my own choices and because of some dumb inconveniences I decided to stay at my parents which meant I didn’t have my meds.  As I was driving back to my house this morning I’m frantic to write down all this important stuff that I can no longer remember (probably cuz the meds are already kicking in) because some aliens are going to delete the information from my brain and call it alziheimers because that’s what they’ve been doing to everything.  I get stuck on some PTSD stuff from the past and I want to write on it, but I don’t want to focus and get stuck there.  My mind is everywhere.  I’m posting on Facebook, Facebook messaging people and have all this shit going on in my head when I nearly get in a car accident.  And the only thing I think, gladly going somewhere near back into reality is their going to read my post about needing my meds and this is going to be all my fault.  Not how fast I was going, or that I would have been really hurt or hurt someone else.


Does anyone else feel themselves slip away as they don’t take meds?  I mean I could go with it, but I don’t really like myself in that place it’s too messy.

Sex and PTSD

3 Aug

I’m frustrated, scared, annoyed and a lot of other emotions mixed in that I can not name.  My emotion chart is currently MIA in the move.

I had counseling yesterday, and mentioned the manic mood which caused me nearly to have sex.  Not thinking much about it, then than maybe getting a reprimand.  Well, my case manager was/IS concerned about me having sex with men triggering my PTSD again.  Now I’m wondering if it’s even worth it.  But I just can’t not have sex forever, because I have these stupid PTSD things that happen.  I guess I gotta figure out how to work through them and if they will even happen this time.  And who will work with them with me.

Life’s so fucking complicated.

Gender Updates

30 Jul

It’s been awhile and I’ve been busy so I haven’t updated as I should.  Two weeks ago I finally got approved for hormone therapy and was waiting for a referral.  That referral came in and I had the appointment with the endocrinologist last Friday.  Instead of deciding to start testosterone immediately, we went with starting to reduce the estrogen to stop my period.  I decided this because that is a big trigger for me for dysphoria and while testosterone will stop your period it can take a while and there will be spotting and irregularities and I don’t think I can deal with that.  I will be on the estrogen reducer for 2-3 months and then start testosterone in 3-4 months.

This is becoming all so real.  I need to sign a wavier for masculizing hormone therapy and on it for risk factors it says losing the support of loved ones, harsh but true in some cases.  Monday I meet with the pharmacist to go over PrEP and then will be prescribed that.  For both PrEP and hormone therapy I had to have blood work done.  I did it at the same time and ended up having about 12 vials taken.  It’s good I use to take Clozaril for a few months and was used to having my blood drawn every two weeks.  I was still a little woozy, probably because it had to be fasting blood work on top of that.

So that’s my update for now.

You don’t know what it like II

28 Jun

You don’t know what it’s like

All these things going on in your head

Trying to sort out which is reality

Sometimes thinking it’d be easier to be dead. 


20 Jun

Tonight is dysphoria central. My breasts. My fat. My scars. 

New Name

19 Jun

As part of the transition process I’m changing my name to Ty.  Therefore I need to change the name of this blog as I will no longer be going by Marci.  I’m taking suggestions for the new name of the blog…

When you’re 35 in college

6 Jun

No I didn’t take a break.  No I didn’t have kids.  No I didn’t have a career and decide to go “back to school.”  I have severe mental illnesses that have kept me from obtaining a BA even though I’ve been in college, mostly community college, since graduating high school; nearly 16 years ago.  I have a few associates degrees.  I often got hospitalized or had to finish semesters on incompletes or withdraws because of my mental illness.  I was limited to the number of courses I could take without having to much stress which would worsen my psych symptoms.  I’ve completed one full year at UC Davis now.  I have a year and a half more to get by double major or two Bachelor’s degrees.  Will I be stable enough to do it?  I think so.  It’s been 2 years without a hospitalization, and the voices have only had a couple episodes.  The thing is though with chronic acute illnesses you never know when the next episode will hit and how severe it will be.  For now, I’m appreciating the year I got under my belt and planning the future as if it will be stable and doing by best to help facilitate that.