Care

14 May

It’s time to put myself back into not care mode its apparent neither do either.  It’s been an empty house all day.  I went to class and both clubs as well as met up with classmates to do homework.  I’m back to feeling like last year, but more complicated.  I just want to go home, but now home is uncomfortable too.  I’m trying to be play positive but it is getting too much.  The PTSD mode is pretty much out of my system though no one other than 20 something friend asked or noticed.  I’m to the point where I’ll begin having sex with guys.  I don’t care if it sets off PTSD again, I managed.  My testosterone is making it too much to deal with and I’m curious.  Right now fuck consequences, fuck everything.  Very BPD.

So it wasn’t

10 May

So it wasn’t and I’ve still been bopping around here and there and everywhere.  Today it took 30 minutes and the 3 parking garage floors to find my car after school.  I accidentally gave my birth name to someone at the volunteer place who only knows me as ty and then had to correct myself.  My essay in Spanish was so disorganized, i need to write my professor but I don’t know what to say other than I’m crazy and I get accommodations and I need them this time.  I can’t write it tonight, not functioning well enough.  Assignment due tomorrow, need to do it last weeks didn’t do.  Also tomorrow need to get haircut, get tb shot, and fingerprint. Sounds easy enough unless its another bad ptsd day. Wish me luck

PTSD World

8 May

So I’ve began slipping into PTSD world.  I’m trying to do what I can to stop the slipping but then there seems to be another part of me that just doesn’t care so it’s hard.  This morning I woke up all disoriented and an hour off in time, rushing to volunteer and it look me about 15 minutes to orient myself and realize I was at the school an hour early even after I had noticed the school office was locked, there were only 2 cars in the parking lot, and I only talked to one teacher I saw.  Today was riddled with PTSD symptoms and switching and I swear I learned nothing.  I did talk to 20 somethings friend and that helped a lot as I felt like this whole thing was my fault and was really feeling bad and I felt better after.  Even though the PTSD symptoms returned later after.  In order not to go deeper like last night I just self medicated as soon as I got home.  I couldn’t put up with the symptoms.  I had NyQuil some lorazepam, and Latuda.  I just woke up.  I feel out of it (literally) and out of the PTSD world right now too.  I don’t think this is the final fight.

Protected: Triggered

7 May

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Tired… but

6 May

I’m tired but something else.  Not really sure what some combo state… mixed but not not necessarily a bad mix.  Like a spill mix but no one to spill to.  I have a midterm due tomorrow at 10pm it’s online and I should start it tonight but I just don’t feel like it.  I also have an assignment I didn’t do Friday that I’m thinking about doing tonight but I’m not sure if I’ll get late credit, so is it really worth doing?  I’m having the wrist burning, it’s my own fault.  I’m thinking about planning tonight.  But I really feel like talking, weird since I rarely do.

Lots of NAMI

28 Apr

Today I went to a training all day called MH101 it’s to be a presenter for specific minority communities , time being the LGBTQIA community.  It was 8 hours long and I have to go back tomorrow for another 4 hours.  The training is good and I’ve told me story informally many times, so it’s interesting how they want you to compact it and sprinkle it with facts and such.  I do like the layout, so that’s good.  I’m just really tired.  Last night was t-shirt decorating night for my NAMI Walks team it was in the college town I live in now.  There were 8 people including me.  Tonight is another team t-shirt decorating night but in the town I use to live in where I’ve built my team for the last 5 years.  There should be 6 people.  My team is about 35 counting all kids and animals, but of course not everyone can come to t-shirt decorating night and personalize their shirt.

I need to find all my training manuals and certificates for mental health related stuff.  Most of it’s here.  Be more organized, especially as I am getting more and more involved and some programs are pre-reqs of other programs.

I’m busy and tired all the time but I feel like I’m using all the stuff I’ve been through for good.  It’s finally worth something.

Chum Blogging Award/Letter to someone Important

22 Apr

Carol Anne has nominated me for the Blogging Chums Award!
Thanks, Carol Anne!

The Blogging Chums Award is given to particularly brilliant bloggers who are really providing something special to the community, either through their writing or the way they engage with other people: they’re just brilliant! The award was created by Robert at The Non-Alcoholic Student.

Here are the rules:

  • Be sure to use the award image!
  • List the rules & the about paragraph!
  • Thank whoever nominated you!
  • Write a letter to someone who means a lot to you to spread some positivity around the internet – anyone will do!
  • Nominate 5-10 more people for the award and let them know about their nomination in their comments screen.

Anyone who knows me knows I don’t let a lot of people into my life.  You need to be special.  You need to be able to hold on for the ride and trust me it’s going to be a crazy ride and of those few that get let in there are even fewer that I’ve learned to trust and love, those that support me in almost everything I do.   Those who are there for me when things/I get crazy.  People who know the past, the inside workings, and all that other shit and still love me.  This letter is to those few people.

I haven’t done awards in a real long time, so I’m not going to “nominate” anyone but if you read this and feel like writing a short letter to someone who has made a difference if your life.  Feel free 🙂

Somewhere in between

22 Apr

Right now I feel somewhere in between.  I’m not even sure what I’m even between though.  But I don’t feel high and I don’t feel low.  I’m not hyper focused or super distracted.  The voices aren’t here but my head doesn’t quite feel clear.   It’s just the in between.

Today was a good day. I hung out with one of my roommates, the pseudo-roommate, and my roommates new friend.  We went to big annual event hosted my the university every year.  We waited in line for 2 hours to pet some kittens and cats, but it was okay cuz we had fun in line playing games.  We also watched the parade.  Then we all went home and I took a 3 1/2 hour nap.  We were going to go back to the event but it ended up with us playing a drinking game and then a different game until about a half hour ago.

I’m glad I got to spend some time with my roommate because since they’ve been fighting, she has been the one avoiding the other roommate it seems and rarely home or just in her room.  I don’t feel right invading her space (room) but I also am not taking sides and think this whole thing is stupid.  So I mostly see her on short car rides home from school. It was nice to spend a whole day not worrying about the two of them.

Protected: PTSD and everything

20 Apr

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Lost during the good old days (song lyrics)

15 Apr

I am not quite sure when the “good old days” were or if there were any.  Maybe in my late- late 20’s and early 30’s but I was still in a depression and I don’t remember that clearly what was going on.  I couldn’t enjoy it, because I couldn’t enjoy anything.  Looking back I see I had a lot of people that cared about me and a lot of friends.  I knew to some degree, but was lost with the cloud of depression around me.  I wonder if those “good old days” are gone for good, or if I’ll have a good sized close circle of friends again.  I know the older you get the harder it is.

 

I wish somebody would have told me, babe
Someday, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days

I was thinkin’ ’bout the band
I was thinkin’ ’bout the fans
We were underground
Loadin’ merch in that 12-passenger van
In a small club in Minnesota
And the snow outside of 1st Ave
I just wanted my name in a star
Now look at where we at
Still growin’ up, still growin’ up
I would lay in my bed and dream about what I’d become
Couldn’t wait to get older, couldn’t wait to be some
Now that I’m here, wishing I was still young
Those good old days

I wish somebody would have told me, babe
That someday, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days

Wish I didn’t think I had the answers
Wish I didn’t drink all of that flask first
Wish I made it to homecoming
Got up the courage to ask her
Wish I would’ve gotten out of my shell
Wish I put the bottle back on that shelf
Wish I wouldn’t have worry about what other people thought
And felt comfortable in myself
Rooftop open, and the stars above
Moment frozen, sneakin’ out, and fallin’ in love
Me, you and that futon, we’d just begun
On the grass dreamin’, figuring out who I was
Those good old days

I wish somebody would have told me, babe
That someday, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days

Never thought we’d get old, maybe we’re still young
Maybe you always look back and think it was better than it was
Maybe these are the moments
Maybe I’ve been missin’ what it’s about
Been scared of the future, thinkin’ about the past
While missin’ out on now
We’ve come so far, I guess I’m proud
And I ain’t worried ’bout the wrinkles ’round my smile
I’ve got some scars, I’ve been around
I’ve felt some pain, I’ve seen some things, but I’m here now
Those good old days

You don’t know what you’ve got
‘Til it goes, ’til it’s gone
You don’t know what you’ve got
‘Til it goes, ’til it’s gone

I wish somebody would have told me, babe
Someday, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days