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It’s been awhile… and man!

14 May

So I guess all I had to do was admit to Kaiser (health insurance) that I wasn’t stable and what not and a week later they set me up an appointment to speak to someone in the gender department.  I swear this happened with DBT, where they said I had to be stable as well.  Kaiser is weird as fuck.  I’m excited but nervous.  Had an interaction with my sister that has had my anxiety on high alert, and caused a panic attack earlier in the week.  So many thoughts running through my heads now about transitioning and to counter them, I’m just taking small steps or making plans anyways.  I know it’ll be tough, not sure how tough but it’ll be worth it.  It feels like I found me, so many things make more sense now.

Fuck I guess you were right

30 Apr

Judging by the last week I’m not stable enough to start hormone therapy, testosterone.  Seriously looking at my mood and how minor events effect it made me realize that they were right as much as I wish it wasn’t true.  Part of it’s frustrating as I don’t have the support to process all the shit going on right now so that’s why I’m having my mood so effected by things.  And that isn’t changing any time soon.  😦  so it’s up to me to learn to cope if I want to “be stable” enough to start hormone therapy.   Time to dust off the DBT skills binder.

Plan B

25 Apr

I was going to go to the hospital this week.  I honestly can’t take life anymore and am only somewhat concerned I’ll make an attempt.  I wrote my case manager a message to get an appointment this week with the intent to tell her to hospitalize me, but she didn’t have an available appointment till late Thursday.  And I don’t take myself to the ER, or call 911.  I don’t want to go in over the weekend and I have my NAMI Walk coming up and the t-shirt decorating party is Saturday night.  I’m just trying to make plans to stay out of bed and stay safe and stuff.  Around people somewhat but try less stress too.  I didn’t go to class monday, but I’m taking a roommate to school the rest of the days except Friday so that will get me up and going to school.  I will see my case manager Thursday.  I had peer to peer tonight and I have it thursday.  Wednesday we are having a 6 month birthday party for my nephew.  I wish I was excited and it all mattered.  All it is, is a plan till things matter again I hope so soon.

18 Apr

I’ve been feeling so sad.  Just want to give up.  Feeling like I’m alone in this world and try as I might I can’t find friends and there is nobody like me.  T camp was an epic failure that is making me doubt wanting to go to gender group now.  I’m even more suicidal and I’m wondering if I don’t get that referral before my next appointment with the therapist if i will make a serious attempt.  I feel not long for the world, if this is going to be my world.

If life were a structured group or class

14 Apr

I’d be happier and less lonely (maybe)

TG#2 and Sexuality

13 Apr

As I have more dysphoria with certain female sexual body parts I’m finding myself less sexually attracted to females and less interested in those body parts as well.  I wonder if this is a thing.  I still consider myself on the asexual spectrum, it’s just when the desires or whatever come they are towards the male gender now. (for the most part).  I still consider myself bi-romantic.  Mostly because that’s a demi thing for me and it can go either way.  Things are so complicated.

Oh March

28 Feb

Coming into a notoriously rough month for me. Last therapy and counseling session have just been emotional and I don’t usually get emotional with the therapist because I don’t trust her. Yesterday I saw her. I was so tired, comes with the depression, and maybe the wear off of the weeekend hypomanic episode. I slept all but 3 hours of classes, an hour of therapy, an hour and a half of driving, about 45 mins of dinner, and 45 mins waiting for dinner. I’m not getting school work done, I’m not getting anything done. I haven’t been taking my medication as prescribed because I don’t have the energy to load my pill chart and/or sleep through doses. I didn’t even talk about the referral to the gender specialist yesterday. I did mention the bottom dysphoria from last week and that I went to a Trans rally over the weekend because the whole bathroom thing. Mostly we talked about my social situation, not having friends. Not being able to make friends and not really having social skills I talked about this with my case manager last week too. It’s really getting to me. I guess I’m getting closer to my planner friends but I really only see them once a month, thinking about joining their chat next month- when school calms down. I’m failing a class, and I care but I don’t again depression, I doubt I can pull off a passing grade but I’m thankful 20 somethings friend and my sister talked me into changing it into a Pass No Pass grading system. I’m taking 19 units on the quarter system right now which is a lot of classes. That’s all for now. 

A lot

24 Feb

A lot has happened since I last posted but I’m trying to put that behind me and move on, maybe a retroactive update later
Today the gender dysphoria was strong. I looked in the mirror and I immediately had to look away. I got dressed in the corner so the walls couldn’t see me. The gender dysphoria that usually goes with my breasts was combined with the body dysphoria that I get with my weight sometime. However this is the first time I had gender dysphoria for my bottom half. It was strange. That’s why while I don’t fully identify as trans I want to leave my options open. I feel like I’ve lived in a certain environment where certain things weren’t even allowed to be thought about until now.  

Steps forward steps backwards

15 Feb

I feel life going and it’s just kinda going in circles, sometimes I think I am making progress and then something happens and I think the progress that I made, I didn’t make.  I changed my Greek to a Pass-No Pass status which was a good thing because I failed the Midterm.  I don’t think I have ever failed anything I have ever tried in my life before, granted I didn’t try as hard as I could.  I’m still okay with it though because I got a zero on a part that I didn’t have any idea on so when I subtracted that out I didn’t do that bad.  Maybe I’m just rationalizing it, I don’t know.  I can’t drop the class, so I just need to pass it.  Things are still real difficult on the social front and it’s getting harder to pretend it just doesn’t bother me.  I’m okay with a lot of time alone and my family lives close by so thats okay.  But it’s just frustrating trying and failing, even though I know I’m not good at this.  Like the people say their the ones missing out but when I don’t see myself that way then, I just see myself lacking.

 

A new year, a new you?

31 Dec

Yes, maybe just yes. I gotta see what more I can do in regards to my gender identity/dysphoria stuff. Last session with the therapist was canceled because she was sick. I don’t see her now till the end of January. I got a sports bra and started wearing it a lot of December to get use to wearing bras again. When I get home from vacation I’m going to look into buying a binder. Having to dress up a lot on this trip and lil sis’ comments on my lack of feminist things being “gross” like not shaving my legs were sort of annoying. I want to be more me, more often. But I need to be able to be more independent if things go south and while I plan on that, I’m not there yet. Also everyone wants things to move so freaking slow, I’m going to be 35 this year and I feel like I don’t have time to waste and their just wasting their time testing me. This is how I am, I’ll always be, I handle things, crisis to crisis as they apprear, whatever gender I am or in between.