Archive | Uncategorized RSS feed for this section

You don’t know me

30 Dec

The last week or so has been chaos internally.  I had started my application for Study Abroad.  I had been planning on Studying Abroad in Argentina since I started at the university last year, I would’ve spent Fall 2018 abroad.  In order to study abroad you need to be medically cleared as well as cleared by any specialists you see.  Therefore my psychiatrist had to clear me, I haven’t seen him since I started at the university because I’ve been doing so well.  I’ve needed one med change we did over messaging and the phone due to the presidency results which I think is understandable.  I never have needed additional services such as IOP, Partial, or to be hospitalized.  He said he’s talk it over with my case manager and the therapist, but he just talked to the therapist and they won’t clear me so I can’t go.  I’ve never wanted to see her in the first place, my case manager just made me when I had a real bad episode in her office before being hospitalized one day.  I don’t feel like the therapist understands me, I rarely feel better after seeing her, and we don’t real “work on” anything.  All she has been good for is resources.  And now I am pissed off about this, so I want to see if I can stop seeing her.

Enough about that so why it’s been chaos.  If you had been reading around finals time and mid December I was really suicidal.  I wasn’t sure about the future and some other things were making me suicidal.  So I set a short term goal to make me not so overwhelmed and to try and help with the suicidal thoughts as well as sort of put a safety plan in place.  Part of it was that I would wait till I got my double BA in Winter 2019, after I studies abroad.  Now with this all throwing things up in the air I got extremely suicidal again.  You may have remember I mentioned I had the two extra bottles of medication that came right after the active suicidal state ended last go around.  I’m also going to be in New York by myself for 4 days.  There was a lot of back and forth.  But in the end I decided against it.  I’m getting rid of the two extra bottles because there is too much potential problems coming up.

I’ve decided to tell my dad I’m transgender on New Years Day.  I see my case manager the next day.  The day after that I leave to New York.  It’s interesting because the people who said they’d be supportive aren’t offering explicit support that day, maybe I’m just suppose to infer it.  So of course I’m having anxiety leading up to that.  But just trying to stay busy and not go to bed until I’m super tired.

As much as I may look unstable.  Or sound so on here.  This book has been going on for 7 years and I am much better than I was then and so much more in control.  And even then I made sound decisions.

Updated again

11 Dec

I’m feeling a little better, things have been real bumpy though.  I’m not actively suicidal anymore.  I see the therapist tomorrow and I don’t think I’ll mention any of this to her, she just doesn’t understand and she takes things way too seriously.  I see my case manager on Friday and I’ll let her know what has been going on.  I just got my refills mailed, I was almost out of most my mood stabilizers and out of another non-psych med.  I get most all my meds mailed at the same time except two.  I was combining all the bottles and downsizing when I realized that I ordered some that I still have A LOT of.  One of the ones that I was thinking about counting the other day.  As I was like hmmm… some voice or something was like keep it, we might need it.  Like I said I’m not actively suicidal anymore.  But there’s always something under the surface and it was surprising to hear it pipe up so quickly.  It lead to a conversation with 20 somethings friend about urges and thoughts that seem to lie just under the surface because of the past.  And how we both seem to be doing really well considering our pasts.  It’s a good thing to remember.  But it’s also important to remember that risk there, people don’t understand recovery.  I try to negotiate it everyday.


5 Dec

These last few weeks have been hard.  There were a few days straight where I din’t go to school or get out of bed.  I managed to pull myself out of it.  The fall/winter months are usually difficult for my depression symptoms so it’s not all that surprising.  About a week ago some future thinking got turned into some future panicking along with a desire to end it all.  I’ve been trying to just do the minimum to get by and sleep a lot.  The panic is gone for the most part, but I am just getting more and more suicidal.  I have 3 outside of school responsibilities to do this week, I did none.  I don’t feel guilty.  I don’t feel anything.  Last night I was looking at my medication, I take about 7 or 8 different prescriptions.  And was about to count out how many pills were in two different bottles that were about 3/4 full.  My suicidal thoughts have included things like this and more.  I haven’t showered in a week, and feel like my soul has disappeared temporarily.  I doubt I’ll actually kill myself, I usually wait out the feelings or end up in the hospital.  This is the strongest the feelings, thoughts, and impulses have been since I was last hospitalized (2014).  To top it all off 3 papers are due this week, and three finals next week.  Maybe I can wait it out.

5 Dec

Debating the hospital

4 Dec

I was starting to come out of the darkness.  A few people had convinced me that whatever happens life will be okay and to stop worrying so much about the future.  That took away a lot of the panic I was experiencing.  Enough so that I got it about 4 days of studying the GRE before actually taking it.  Unfortunately, I scored lower than I did on the practice tests in boot camp including the very intro test with no introduction or studying of the the GRE.  Now I am even more disillusioned.  I know I can take it again, and I will have to, and study more or take private lessons or figure something out.  But there is only 2 weeks left of school.  There are 3 papers due this week, and 3 finals next week.  Because of the post-GRE feelings I feel hopeless about everything (yes I know this is some form of cognitive distortion) and don’t want/can’t find the energy to work on the essays.  All I want to do is sleep.  I’m having crying spells again.  Last night I ended up taking some anxiety medicine.  I don’t expect to be feeling better after this quarter is over.

Socialness or lack there of… and an update

29 Nov

So I’ve mentioned in prior blogs my issues with social situations and how I don’t have the best social skills.  I used to be diagnosed with social anxiety and I just refused to be involved with anything unless someone I knew was there with me, and most times I just clung to them and stayed quiet.  Even though I venture out a little more, I’m still pretty awkward and have few “friends.”  I know some people and I think sometimes I’m better at holding a conversation, but it’s a lot of prep and practicing and obsessing before I try to initiate and normally people don’t just talk to me. (at least at school)  So a couple years ago I got flagged for an Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) assessment because of my sensory processing disorder and a few other things that fit on the spectrum such as my problems with balance, having one friend only and always being more by myself, being really dependent and not where I should be age wise (just moving out at 33 and learning to cook and live independently), bad eye contact, sickness as kid.  And I think that was it.  Anyways the ASD evaluation after a number of months said no because my mom did an questionnaire and apparently I was a normal baby.  I’m not so sure, also I don’t trust my mom.  But I’ll let it go because at this point in my life there is nothing they can really do for me other than giving me a label.  I’m trying to still learn stuff though and do behavioral stuff to function with less problems.  I’ve been trying new foods, where before I’d only eat at like 5 different restaurants and 5 things.  I’ve gotten better at showering, even though I’m not to soaping yet.  I haven’t really started on the washing hands.  I don’t know if there is anything I can do with my balance issues.  Eye contact is still hard, I guess I’m trying and with social situations but I feel like I’m getting no where.  Everything seems false.

As for the general update I’m trying not to worry to much about the future and the whole life worth living.  So I won’t get suicidal.  I’m trying to focus on now and what I can do, regardless of how things go with family and finances.

I still feel very alone.

18 Nov

The more I think. The more hopeless and apathetic I get. I know apathetic is a lack of feeling but I mean hopeless as a thought. It’s getting worse. I don’t want to end up in the hospital because of effects it’ll have on transitioning. Of course not being alive could have effects too. I’m not that desperate… yet.

Protected: A life worth living

16 Nov

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

16 Nov

I’m starting to struggle again.  It started with a panic attack Thursday night and the “hangover” effects and depression that have continued since.  I’ve been trying to sleep (mostly) or distract when I have to stay awake, or I get panicky, overwhelmed and suicidal.  It mostly has to do with the future and it’s pretty much paralyzing me in the present which is effecting my future.  I’m not sure about grad school, I have a real hard time with motivation and doing work alone.  I love the academics but can’t self-motivate or hold myself accountable very well.  Along with that is that I have signed up to take the GRE the first weekend in December and have done no studying even though I did horrible on the practice test.  I know I need to do it, but for some reason I can’t force myself to sit down and do it.  So maybe I can’t continue in school.  Am I able to work now?  I’ve done it once and the result to my mental health was detrimental.  What would I do?

I’ve finally got the okay to come out to my other family members from my mom.  She still doesn’t think it’s a good idea.  Well I’m not looking forward to it either, but I need to tell my dad and lil sis so I can be out completely and not worry about someone telling them before I do, and so I can make changes I want.  I plan on doing it after the holidays.  That’s causing some anxiety too.

I went to a name change workshop Monday, on how to legally change my name.  They walked me through it and helped me fill out the forms.  Now they are ready when I’m ready to file.

Since not doing well, I haven’t been to most my classes and things for college, like an academic advising appointment.  I spend most my time in my room in bed, usually sleeping but sometimes awake just worrying.  I don’t know what to do to get out of this episode.

I feel like after typing this just going to bed and not doing more schoolwork and trying to jam it in tomorrow or just hope for the best for the quiz. It’s 7pm.

Not sure I’ll sleep tonight

26 Oct

Today was my nephew’s 1st birthday, it was also the first day I got my testosterone shot.  I got it late in the day and have since had an energy drink to be able to stay up and do homework and now I feel as if I won’t sleep.  Hopefully it’s a passing feeling.  I was going to write a blog the other day about preferred names and I had it titled but never got around to writing the content.  I’ve had more than a couple situations lately where I’ve been told that they must use my name on my drivers license.  While volunteering at a local elementary school not only does it have that name on it, but my drivers license photo which is pre-transition.  It has me thinking about just legally changing the name and not the gender and getting a new drivers license and credit cards and all that.  I’m not ready to legally change my gender yet, heck I just started testosterone today.  But having people I don’t know starting to use my birth name is counter productive to what I’m trying to do.  At the school I just go by Ty and use my sunglasses to cover up the name and photo.  I’m still okay with some people still using my old name, mostly because not all family knows yet and I don’t want to be assertive cuz i lack those skills.