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Embrace the whatever

29 Aug

So my moods are back to swinging whatever… and maybe it’s because my hormones ran out for a couple days but who knows.  Honestly it doesn’t matter; if it’s a depressive episode I just need to tough it out without the hospital.  I almost always use to be able to cope with psychosis without the hospital until I started working, and I’m not working now.  I’ve had a couple episodes and stayed out.  Thing is if I go in the hospital, they will most likely take me off hormones and stop the transitioning process and everything will be put on hold again- and I can’t handle that.  But today wasn’t a bad day, but I wasn’t stable either.  I woke up at 3:30am and could not get back to sleep.  I took one nap today and I feel kinda tired but I don’t want to wake up super early again.  But I’m back at my house in Davis, so it’s either plan or sleep.  I don’t have a lot of options all by myself.


28 Aug

I’m beginning to wonder if these down falls and downward spirals are triggered by fall approaching. Granted it was 109 degrees today, but the days are getting shorter and maybe my body just knows it’s almost September. For new readers. My depressive episodes at least the real bad, and lengthily ones that usually result in hospitalizations happen in the fall and the spring. Usually October and March, or the months surrounding them. Nearly every hospitalization has been in this pattern, including the last one in October of 2014. I know my depression is not just situational so I knew even with two years of stability after 10 straight years of hospitalizations I wasn’t out of the woods. Luckily maybe way less for psychosis now and the depression had been managed well up till now. Now I’m worrying. I’ve been working real hard these last couple weeks to cope and out maneuver it. Today nothing worked. Emptiness is seeping in. I can’t smile, when I try. And all I can think is god no, not this again. 


26 Aug

I’m feeling better today.  I spent most the day at a planner meet up, planner friend wasn’t there but some of the other girls were.  I had a few bouts of anxiety but it wasn’t too bad and I got back ahold of myself fast.  I thought about bringing up the transgender thing and asking them to call me ty, but one girl I didn’t know who seemed nosey and judgmental kept coming to our table to borrow one of my friends glider cutters.

I’ve just gotten back so I hope I can stay in a good mood the rest of the evening.  Lately it’s been the nights that have been the hardest.  Both my roommates checks came today, so one less thing to worry about.  (It was bothering me last night.)  I also received another planning order so I can plan more, but I planned like 8 hours (not straight) so we’ll see if I want to do that tonight.

The person who sponsored the planner meet up talked about a happiness type planner/journal.  I shared with her my wellness journal and she asked me to share it with the group.  You all know I’m not shy about sharing my struggles and stuff but most people don’t. And I use to be shy or ashamed like most people are.  Anyways I got a few very good reactions.

About to implode

25 Aug

Feeling like I’m about to implode.  Kinda reached out to two people without results.  I took my night meds, if they aren’t enough to calm me down.  I’ll take one of my 2 Valium left with some NyQuil.  I have a planner thing to do tomorrow.  But being in crisis all night won’t be good for that either- and it will just get me in trouble down the road.  My case manager won’t like me self medicating but this shit has to stop and they’re cutting appointments and I’m not coping as well as I normally can.  It’s childhood PTSD, which I guess is better than the sex PTSD.  But PTSD nonetheless.  I barely ate today.  I’m either trying to always sleep or can’t.  uhhhh it’s too much right now to the point that i can’t even blog.

Protected: In the air or on hold

22 Aug

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Lighten the load

20 Aug

Yes I know I can do this by myself. I do practically everything by myself. Maybe that’s why you don’t think that it’s too big of a deal. Or you don’t know what to do. So like usual you mostly stay quiet. I guess I’m back to myself. 

Why will you only let some people help you?

19 Aug

I’m very selective witch who I open up to and really share my past and current struggles with. Most everyone knows I struggle but few know the true depth, the past, and the details. When I need help, most times I figure it out on my own and won’t reach out or rely on others for help. One because few know the severity. And two because I don’t want to be rejected. And three I don’t think anyone can really help so I feel bad setting them up for disappointment. 

I feel like I don’t know what to do

13 Aug

America is falling apart… and I feel like I can’t do anything.  But doing nothing makes the incorrect assumption that I’m okay with what the fuck is going on and that is definitely not true.  I donate my funds to charities, advocacies, and associations that I feel help fight what’s going wrong.  But I want to do more, I just don’t know how.

A little clearer headed

9 Aug

No ones giving up on you. That’s the borderline talking probably with a mix of the hormones and skipping a night dose of meds surely doesn’t help. 

The anxiety and fears are still there. I wish I had the reassurance. I guess I need to learn to reassure myself. Off to bed to count, to block the thoughts and the lyrics. If it gets too bad I brought my head phones for “Move Along.”

Say something I’m giving up on you

9 Aug

I let a few too many things trigger a crash and now I don’t know how to get out of it. I can just blame a bunch but it feels like all my fault which is make my it worse. The only way I can see it clearing up or me at least calming down is reassurance from the friend but he doesn’t do that, especially when I’m upset. So I guess I just have to be upset or just rethink this friendship. What friends won’t reassure you when you’re upset?