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16 Nov

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16 Nov

I’m starting to struggle again.  It started with a panic attack Thursday night and the “hangover” effects and depression that have continued since.  I’ve been trying to sleep (mostly) or distract when I have to stay awake, or I get panicky, overwhelmed and suicidal.  It mostly has to do with the future and it’s pretty much paralyzing me in the present which is effecting my future.  I’m not sure about grad school, I have a real hard time with motivation and doing work alone.  I love the academics but can’t self-motivate or hold myself accountable very well.  Along with that is that I have signed up to take the GRE the first weekend in December and have done no studying even though I did horrible on the practice test.  I know I need to do it, but for some reason I can’t force myself to sit down and do it.  So maybe I can’t continue in school.  Am I able to work now?  I’ve done it once and the result to my mental health was detrimental.  What would I do?

I’ve finally got the okay to come out to my other family members from my mom.  She still doesn’t think it’s a good idea.  Well I’m not looking forward to it either, but I need to tell my dad and lil sis so I can be out completely and not worry about someone telling them before I do, and so I can make changes I want.  I plan on doing it after the holidays.  That’s causing some anxiety too.

I went to a name change workshop Monday, on how to legally change my name.  They walked me through it and helped me fill out the forms.  Now they are ready when I’m ready to file.

Since not doing well, I haven’t been to most my classes and things for college, like an academic advising appointment.  I spend most my time in my room in bed, usually sleeping but sometimes awake just worrying.  I don’t know what to do to get out of this episode.

I feel like after typing this just going to bed and not doing more schoolwork and trying to jam it in tomorrow or just hope for the best for the quiz. It’s 7pm.

Not sure I’ll sleep tonight

26 Oct

Today was my nephew’s 1st birthday, it was also the first day I got my testosterone shot.  I got it late in the day and have since had an energy drink to be able to stay up and do homework and now I feel as if I won’t sleep.  Hopefully it’s a passing feeling.  I was going to write a blog the other day about preferred names and I had it titled but never got around to writing the content.  I’ve had more than a couple situations lately where I’ve been told that they must use my name on my drivers license.  While volunteering at a local elementary school not only does it have that name on it, but my drivers license photo which is pre-transition.  It has me thinking about just legally changing the name and not the gender and getting a new drivers license and credit cards and all that.  I’m not ready to legally change my gender yet, heck I just started testosterone today.  But having people I don’t know starting to use my birth name is counter productive to what I’m trying to do.  At the school I just go by Ty and use my sunglasses to cover up the name and photo.  I’m still okay with some people still using my old name, mostly because not all family knows yet and I don’t want to be assertive cuz i lack those skills.

Some updates

11 Oct

We are in week 3 at school right now.  It is interesting as I feel like I live in two different worlds there is my school and trans world where I am Ty and then my home and hometown world where I am Marci.  I sometimes forget where I am and just default to Marci, this happened at a college placement last night, where I had to scratch out my name and initials and redo them.  The school has my name as Ty and I probably wouldn’t get my volunteering hours.  I’m not sure how much longer I will have to keep this separate, my mom doesn’t want me to tell my dad until at least next year.  I don’t think I can go much longer than that.

I just started using male pronouns.   It’s similar to when I changed my preferred name, I hear it and it takes awhile for it to click in my brain that they are talking about me.  I hope I get better at recognizing it and getting used to it, like I have with the name.  I still sometimes don’t respond to my preferred name though.  My reasoning for using male pronouns is strange- it is that I don’t like female pronouns or being identified as female.  Hardly anyone does third person pronouns (they, them) so it’s the choice left over.

Things are going good.

Pissed. Rant over

2 Oct

I’m so mad right now, and mad is a very censored way of saying how I feel.  A mass shooting happened in Las Vegas last night and the voices love mass shootings.  When I found out about it, I immediately tried to stay away from the news and let the voices know it wouldn’t interest them as it wasn’t their usual focal points: family oriented, on a school campus, or targeted towards the LGBT community.  That got me through class, until they found out how many people were killed then all games were off.  Luckily I only had one class, so I went home and took 1/2 a Latuda and a Valium hoping to nip this in the bud.  After a 4 hr twilight slumber/episode I goy up and attempted to start my day.  I did some reading that took longer than usual because of foggy- headiness that comes with the drugged feeling.  I did 1/2 of it with the intention of doing the rest in the morning.  I went to take my nighttime meds and lo and behold.  I hadn’t taken my morning meds or last nights meds.  I’m so pissed, if I had remembered my meds I may not have had an episode that caused for emergency meds.  And the reason I miss my meds is because of long term memory loss side effects of ECT treatments which were for my mental illness.  This thing just feeds upon itself.  Rant over.

Dysphoria- bodies and other weird shit

25 Sep

I feel like I have 3 bodies. My girl body, boy body, and in between body. I can’t access the boy one because of the weight, my pain, and current binders, and I just only sometimes pass to myself which I guess is a start. My inbetween is where I can stay at if I do gender to be trans but when feeling depressed and lying around the house a lot like I am right now I’m not doing anything. So here I am stuck in the girl body and today and last night I was having PTSD flashbacks. I almost wonder if they only happen then because I never recall them happening when I’m confident and feel right it may just be coorolaration though. Almost makes me wonder if it’s worth going inbetween to stop these flashbacks. 

Embrace the whatever

29 Aug

So my moods are back to swinging whatever… and maybe it’s because my hormones ran out for a couple days but who knows.  Honestly it doesn’t matter; if it’s a depressive episode I just need to tough it out without the hospital.  I almost always use to be able to cope with psychosis without the hospital until I started working, and I’m not working now.  I’ve had a couple episodes and stayed out.  Thing is if I go in the hospital, they will most likely take me off hormones and stop the transitioning process and everything will be put on hold again- and I can’t handle that.  But today wasn’t a bad day, but I wasn’t stable either.  I woke up at 3:30am and could not get back to sleep.  I took one nap today and I feel kinda tired but I don’t want to wake up super early again.  But I’m back at my house in Davis, so it’s either plan or sleep.  I don’t have a lot of options all by myself.

Fall?

28 Aug

I’m beginning to wonder if these down falls and downward spirals are triggered by fall approaching. Granted it was 109 degrees today, but the days are getting shorter and maybe my body just knows it’s almost September. For new readers. My depressive episodes at least the real bad, and lengthily ones that usually result in hospitalizations happen in the fall and the spring. Usually October and March, or the months surrounding them. Nearly every hospitalization has been in this pattern, including the last one in October of 2014. I know my depression is not just situational so I knew even with two years of stability after 10 straight years of hospitalizations I wasn’t out of the woods. Luckily maybe way less for psychosis now and the depression had been managed well up till now. Now I’m worrying. I’ve been working real hard these last couple weeks to cope and out maneuver it. Today nothing worked. Emptiness is seeping in. I can’t smile, when I try. And all I can think is god no, not this again. 

Better

26 Aug

I’m feeling better today.  I spent most the day at a planner meet up, planner friend wasn’t there but some of the other girls were.  I had a few bouts of anxiety but it wasn’t too bad and I got back ahold of myself fast.  I thought about bringing up the transgender thing and asking them to call me ty, but one girl I didn’t know who seemed nosey and judgmental kept coming to our table to borrow one of my friends glider cutters.

I’ve just gotten back so I hope I can stay in a good mood the rest of the evening.  Lately it’s been the nights that have been the hardest.  Both my roommates checks came today, so one less thing to worry about.  (It was bothering me last night.)  I also received another planning order so I can plan more, but I planned like 8 hours (not straight) so we’ll see if I want to do that tonight.

The person who sponsored the planner meet up talked about a happiness type planner/journal.  I shared with her my wellness journal and she asked me to share it with the group.  You all know I’m not shy about sharing my struggles and stuff but most people don’t. And I use to be shy or ashamed like most people are.  Anyways I got a few very good reactions.

About to implode

25 Aug

Feeling like I’m about to implode.  Kinda reached out to two people without results.  I took my night meds, if they aren’t enough to calm me down.  I’ll take one of my 2 Valium left with some NyQuil.  I have a planner thing to do tomorrow.  But being in crisis all night won’t be good for that either- and it will just get me in trouble down the road.  My case manager won’t like me self medicating but this shit has to stop and they’re cutting appointments and I’m not coping as well as I normally can.  It’s childhood PTSD, which I guess is better than the sex PTSD.  But PTSD nonetheless.  I barely ate today.  I’m either trying to always sleep or can’t.  uhhhh it’s too much right now to the point that i can’t even blog.