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Exciting Opportunities, awareness and accomplishments

1 Mar

I’ve been really busy lately and that’s why you haven’t heard from me.  A few weekends ago I went to a training put on my NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness one of the largest non-profits on mental illness in the United States.  I got trained on how to lead their NAMI Connections which are support groups for people living with mental illness.  There is a hope that me and another student at my college will have one started at the college campus by next quarter.  Since I was just trained, I’ve also been attending local Connection groups to see how they are run and get ideas.

I may have mentioned earlier in my blog that I am a part of my NAMI club at the college I go to.  Last meeting and this meeting I was in charge of.  Last meeting I had a friend I meet at another NAMI event come and speak and tell her story about domestic violence, mental illness, and mexican culture.  This week I will be presenting on this years NAMI Walks and what it is and hopefully recruiting some people for my team.

With that said, people who have followed by blog for awhile know that every year I participate in NAMI Walks as a team captain and raise funds for my local NAMI chapter.  I also recruit other walkers to me team, make team t-shirts and have some sort of celebration after the walk.  To donate to my cause click the link and then the support me button.  I appreciate any amount and will update blog throughout the NAMI Walk process.

NAMI Walks Donation

Today is also Self-Injury/Self-Harm awareness day.  I have a history of self harm quitting only 3 years ago. I self harmed in various ways, with different frequencies and severities for sixteen year, in my late teens to early 30’s.  I posted this on my Facebook page as now I am open about all my mental illness history.  I didn’t get any comments but some likes and heart buttons.  I just want to break down stigma, and get it out there.  I’m also proud of myself that it has been 3 years since I have self harmed.

Protected: All around the place

5 Feb

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Some more get to know me

31 Jan

1. What is your middle name?

New one, james
2. Share your favorite subject in high school.

Spanish or Math
3. What is your favorite drink?

Water, or red bull
4. What is your favorite song at the moment?

Beautiful trauma by P!NK

5. What would you (or have you) name your children?

I try not to think about this
6. Have you participated in any sports?

soccer and softball as a kid
7. What is your favorite book?

hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
8. What is your favorite color?

Blue, purple
9. What is your favorite animal?

10. What is your favorite perfume?

none, sensory processing disorder
11. What is your favorite holiday?

12. On a scale from 1 10, rate your childhood. Don’t remember enough of it to give an accurate score

13. Have you been out of the country?

Yes, Canada, Mexico, Cancun, Australia, Caymen Islands
14. Do you speak any different languages?

Spanish, American Sign Language, Italian, Some French and Ancient Greek
15. Do you have any siblings?

16. What is your favorite store?

Michaels or any craft store
17. What is your favorite restaurant?

I have a few usuals, they are small unique restraints and not chains
18. Did you like school?

19. Who are some of your favorite YouTubers?

Don’t watch youtube

20. What is your favorite movie?

Drop Dead Fred

21. What are some of your favorite tv shows?

I don’t watch a lot of TV

22. PC or mac?

23. What phone do you have?

I have the I phone six

24. How tall are you?

5′ 6″
25. Do you have any pets?

No, but my sister does

Therapy, Trans Update, and all

17 Jan

So I apparently had to have an appointment with the therapist and couldn’t just stop seeing her without talking to her about it, and if I did stop seeing her I would just need to see someone else.  Because apparently now I always have to be seeing a therapist, when this happened I did not know, but I call bullshit but not really have the time or the space, so I’ll play their game for now.

I told the therapist all the reasons I think I should’ve been cleared to study abroad she told me the two hesitations she had, I said I maintain my stance she said same with her.  Not like changing their mind now would help anyways.  Apparently they seem to think you shouldn’t need therapy to be able to go abroad, lol.  We’ll show them.

I did talk to my dad, it went surprisingly well.  He didn’t scream or call me names or anything.  Although he did open the conversation with “Is this about your sex change operation” which was inappropriate and misguided in many ways.  The conversation went with him saying he “won’t stand in my way.” Because I don’t stand in him.  What’s amazing about that is #1 He realizes I don’t agree with what he does #2 he sees I try to keep quiet about it or just let him be #3He’s always tried to get involved with my psych treatment.  We’ll see if it holds but I hope it does.

Looking into the future and it looks like a fork, trying to figure out the right way I guess.  Hinted at some unspoken things at counseling, maybe working on them but I don’t want to destabilize.  Working on expressing feelings, might be overrated.

You don’t know me

30 Dec

The last week or so has been chaos internally.  I had started my application for Study Abroad.  I had been planning on Studying Abroad in Argentina since I started at the university last year, I would’ve spent Fall 2018 abroad.  In order to study abroad you need to be medically cleared as well as cleared by any specialists you see.  Therefore my psychiatrist had to clear me, I haven’t seen him since I started at the university because I’ve been doing so well.  I’ve needed one med change we did over messaging and the phone due to the presidency results which I think is understandable.  I never have needed additional services such as IOP, Partial, or to be hospitalized.  He said he’s talk it over with my case manager and the therapist, but he just talked to the therapist and they won’t clear me so I can’t go.  I’ve never wanted to see her in the first place, my case manager just made me when I had a real bad episode in her office before being hospitalized one day.  I don’t feel like the therapist understands me, I rarely feel better after seeing her, and we don’t real “work on” anything.  All she has been good for is resources.  And now I am pissed off about this, so I want to see if I can stop seeing her.

Enough about that so why it’s been chaos.  If you had been reading around finals time and mid December I was really suicidal.  I wasn’t sure about the future and some other things were making me suicidal.  So I set a short term goal to make me not so overwhelmed and to try and help with the suicidal thoughts as well as sort of put a safety plan in place.  Part of it was that I would wait till I got my double BA in Winter 2019, after I studies abroad.  Now with this all throwing things up in the air I got extremely suicidal again.  You may have remember I mentioned I had the two extra bottles of medication that came right after the active suicidal state ended last go around.  I’m also going to be in New York by myself for 4 days.  There was a lot of back and forth.  But in the end I decided against it.  I’m getting rid of the two extra bottles because there is too much potential problems coming up.

I’ve decided to tell my dad I’m transgender on New Years Day.  I see my case manager the next day.  The day after that I leave to New York.  It’s interesting because the people who said they’d be supportive aren’t offering explicit support that day, maybe I’m just suppose to infer it.  So of course I’m having anxiety leading up to that.  But just trying to stay busy and not go to bed until I’m super tired.

As much as I may look unstable.  Or sound so on here.  This book has been going on for 7 years and I am much better than I was then and so much more in control.  And even then I made sound decisions.

Updated again

11 Dec

I’m feeling a little better, things have been real bumpy though.  I’m not actively suicidal anymore.  I see the therapist tomorrow and I don’t think I’ll mention any of this to her, she just doesn’t understand and she takes things way too seriously.  I see my case manager on Friday and I’ll let her know what has been going on.  I just got my refills mailed, I was almost out of most my mood stabilizers and out of another non-psych med.  I get most all my meds mailed at the same time except two.  I was combining all the bottles and downsizing when I realized that I ordered some that I still have A LOT of.  One of the ones that I was thinking about counting the other day.  As I was like hmmm… some voice or something was like keep it, we might need it.  Like I said I’m not actively suicidal anymore.  But there’s always something under the surface and it was surprising to hear it pipe up so quickly.  It lead to a conversation with 20 somethings friend about urges and thoughts that seem to lie just under the surface because of the past.  And how we both seem to be doing really well considering our pasts.  It’s a good thing to remember.  But it’s also important to remember that risk there, people don’t understand recovery.  I try to negotiate it everyday.


5 Dec

These last few weeks have been hard.  There were a few days straight where I din’t go to school or get out of bed.  I managed to pull myself out of it.  The fall/winter months are usually difficult for my depression symptoms so it’s not all that surprising.  About a week ago some future thinking got turned into some future panicking along with a desire to end it all.  I’ve been trying to just do the minimum to get by and sleep a lot.  The panic is gone for the most part, but I am just getting more and more suicidal.  I have 3 outside of school responsibilities to do this week, I did none.  I don’t feel guilty.  I don’t feel anything.  Last night I was looking at my medication, I take about 7 or 8 different prescriptions.  And was about to count out how many pills were in two different bottles that were about 3/4 full.  My suicidal thoughts have included things like this and more.  I haven’t showered in a week, and feel like my soul has disappeared temporarily.  I doubt I’ll actually kill myself, I usually wait out the feelings or end up in the hospital.  This is the strongest the feelings, thoughts, and impulses have been since I was last hospitalized (2014).  To top it all off 3 papers are due this week, and three finals next week.  Maybe I can wait it out.

5 Dec

Debating the hospital

4 Dec

I was starting to come out of the darkness.  A few people had convinced me that whatever happens life will be okay and to stop worrying so much about the future.  That took away a lot of the panic I was experiencing.  Enough so that I got it about 4 days of studying the GRE before actually taking it.  Unfortunately, I scored lower than I did on the practice tests in boot camp including the very intro test with no introduction or studying of the the GRE.  Now I am even more disillusioned.  I know I can take it again, and I will have to, and study more or take private lessons or figure something out.  But there is only 2 weeks left of school.  There are 3 papers due this week, and 3 finals next week.  Because of the post-GRE feelings I feel hopeless about everything (yes I know this is some form of cognitive distortion) and don’t want/can’t find the energy to work on the essays.  All I want to do is sleep.  I’m having crying spells again.  Last night I ended up taking some anxiety medicine.  I don’t expect to be feeling better after this quarter is over.

Socialness or lack there of… and an update

29 Nov

So I’ve mentioned in prior blogs my issues with social situations and how I don’t have the best social skills.  I used to be diagnosed with social anxiety and I just refused to be involved with anything unless someone I knew was there with me, and most times I just clung to them and stayed quiet.  Even though I venture out a little more, I’m still pretty awkward and have few “friends.”  I know some people and I think sometimes I’m better at holding a conversation, but it’s a lot of prep and practicing and obsessing before I try to initiate and normally people don’t just talk to me. (at least at school)  So a couple years ago I got flagged for an Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) assessment because of my sensory processing disorder and a few other things that fit on the spectrum such as my problems with balance, having one friend only and always being more by myself, being really dependent and not where I should be age wise (just moving out at 33 and learning to cook and live independently), bad eye contact, sickness as kid.  And I think that was it.  Anyways the ASD evaluation after a number of months said no because my mom did an questionnaire and apparently I was a normal baby.  I’m not so sure, also I don’t trust my mom.  But I’ll let it go because at this point in my life there is nothing they can really do for me other than giving me a label.  I’m trying to still learn stuff though and do behavioral stuff to function with less problems.  I’ve been trying new foods, where before I’d only eat at like 5 different restaurants and 5 things.  I’ve gotten better at showering, even though I’m not to soaping yet.  I haven’t really started on the washing hands.  I don’t know if there is anything I can do with my balance issues.  Eye contact is still hard, I guess I’m trying and with social situations but I feel like I’m getting no where.  Everything seems false.

As for the general update I’m trying not to worry to much about the future and the whole life worth living.  So I won’t get suicidal.  I’m trying to focus on now and what I can do, regardless of how things go with family and finances.

I still feel very alone.