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You don’t know what it like II

28 Jun

You don’t know what it’s like

All these things going on in your head

Trying to sort out which is reality

Sometimes thinking it’d be easier to be dead. 

Dysphoria 

20 Jun

Tonight is dysphoria central. My breasts. My fat. My scars. 

New Name

19 Jun

As part of the transition process I’m changing my name to Ty.  Therefore I need to change the name of this blog as I will no longer be going by Marci.  I’m taking suggestions for the new name of the blog…

When you’re 35 in college

6 Jun

No I didn’t take a break.  No I didn’t have kids.  No I didn’t have a career and decide to go “back to school.”  I have severe mental illnesses that have kept me from obtaining a BA even though I’ve been in college, mostly community college, since graduating high school; nearly 16 years ago.  I have a few associates degrees.  I often got hospitalized or had to finish semesters on incompletes or withdraws because of my mental illness.  I was limited to the number of courses I could take without having to much stress which would worsen my psych symptoms.  I’ve completed one full year at UC Davis now.  I have a year and a half more to get by double major or two Bachelor’s degrees.  Will I be stable enough to do it?  I think so.  It’s been 2 years without a hospitalization, and the voices have only had a couple episodes.  The thing is though with chronic acute illnesses you never know when the next episode will hit and how severe it will be.  For now, I’m appreciating the year I got under my belt and planning the future as if it will be stable and doing by best to help facilitate that.

It’s been awhile… and man!

14 May

So I guess all I had to do was admit to Kaiser (health insurance) that I wasn’t stable and what not and a week later they set me up an appointment to speak to someone in the gender department.  I swear this happened with DBT, where they said I had to be stable as well.  Kaiser is weird as fuck.  I’m excited but nervous.  Had an interaction with my sister that has had my anxiety on high alert, and caused a panic attack earlier in the week.  So many thoughts running through my heads now about transitioning and to counter them, I’m just taking small steps or making plans anyways.  I know it’ll be tough, not sure how tough but it’ll be worth it.  It feels like I found me, so many things make more sense now.

Fuck I guess you were right

30 Apr

Judging by the last week I’m not stable enough to start hormone therapy, testosterone.  Seriously looking at my mood and how minor events effect it made me realize that they were right as much as I wish it wasn’t true.  Part of it’s frustrating as I don’t have the support to process all the shit going on right now so that’s why I’m having my mood so effected by things.  And that isn’t changing any time soon.  😦  so it’s up to me to learn to cope if I want to “be stable” enough to start hormone therapy.   Time to dust off the DBT skills binder.

Plan B

25 Apr

I was going to go to the hospital this week.  I honestly can’t take life anymore and am only somewhat concerned I’ll make an attempt.  I wrote my case manager a message to get an appointment this week with the intent to tell her to hospitalize me, but she didn’t have an available appointment till late Thursday.  And I don’t take myself to the ER, or call 911.  I don’t want to go in over the weekend and I have my NAMI Walk coming up and the t-shirt decorating party is Saturday night.  I’m just trying to make plans to stay out of bed and stay safe and stuff.  Around people somewhat but try less stress too.  I didn’t go to class monday, but I’m taking a roommate to school the rest of the days except Friday so that will get me up and going to school.  I will see my case manager Thursday.  I had peer to peer tonight and I have it thursday.  Wednesday we are having a 6 month birthday party for my nephew.  I wish I was excited and it all mattered.  All it is, is a plan till things matter again I hope so soon.

18 Apr

I’ve been feeling so sad.  Just want to give up.  Feeling like I’m alone in this world and try as I might I can’t find friends and there is nobody like me.  T camp was an epic failure that is making me doubt wanting to go to gender group now.  I’m even more suicidal and I’m wondering if I don’t get that referral before my next appointment with the therapist if i will make a serious attempt.  I feel not long for the world, if this is going to be my world.

If life were a structured group or class

14 Apr

I’d be happier and less lonely (maybe)

TG#2 and Sexuality

13 Apr

As I have more dysphoria with certain female sexual body parts I’m finding myself less sexually attracted to females and less interested in those body parts as well.  I wonder if this is a thing.  I still consider myself on the asexual spectrum, it’s just when the desires or whatever come they are towards the male gender now. (for the most part).  I still consider myself bi-romantic.  Mostly because that’s a demi thing for me and it can go either way.  Things are so complicated.