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16 May

I was up till 1 or 2am last night with sleep no where in sight so I took some NyQuil.  That put doing some practice essays this morning before retaking Ensayo #2 unlikely.  I managed to wake up and eat some yogurt that didn’t like my sensory issues and take my medicine, and lay back down.  I’d wordrefrence it’s like google translate but better results some words for my essay in between my class today and the essay re-write, I had 30 minutes.  I went to class only to find out my registration for Fall Quarter was Monday, now I have to wait for open hours tonight after 8pm to register for my classes.  It’s only been two days so I’m sure the classes won’t be full but an inconvenience.  Two of the classes weren’t offered though the Spanish head of the department spelled out the year for me; luckily their electives so I subbed a different two in.  If I fail this Spanish essay class, there is just one class I can’t take in the fall and who knows maybe I can repeat this class in summer?.  But three in Fall might be a nice break.  I’m exploring sex more and I just know my case manager is going to think this has to do with my functioning but I think it is just co-occuring beside it.  Even if it is and I’m oblivious or in denial, I am not just going to avoid it forever for the fear that something like this will and is happening.  I need to eat again, but I’m not feeling it maybe I can go out but I don’t like going out by myself either and it’s just one roommate to go with and what I feel like she doesn’t like.  Making food is work, i’ll find something I don’t wan’t to be all out of it again.

For the people that are worried

15 May

I feel somewhat better after talking to 20 somethings friend and coming to a couple realizations that will hopefully help me cope through whatever this is and however long it lasts.

I think the dissociating might be a combo of PTSD world, not eating regularly, and not consistently taking meds.  The last two have been happening because I have been in some sort of not care state that I haven’t been able to pull myself out of.

In regards to that, how do I normally pull myself out of this not care phase; well I force myself to and say I’ll regret it later if I don’t do these things now.

So I hope that will help me get out of bed early tomorrow and practice the essay I am re-writting for one of the classes I am failing.  That, surprise, surprise, I don’t care.  The professor has been really helpful and I am using my accommodations so I might as well take my best shot.

The part that keeps telling me you are going to end up in the hospital anyways, so fuck it.  Needs to be quieted down a little.

Backward?

15 May

I’m dissociating and having a hard time telling whether things happened or not, it’s not PTSD related.  That has passed.  I had a very hard time sleeping yesterday and that may be part of it.  I feel on the edge, but I don’t want to admit it because I fear they will take me too seriously.  I usually work through these things all on my own and when out of the woods, go btw I was suicidal or I went through xyz crisis or whatever but I’m fine now.  My case manager is catching on, instead of booking 2 weeks out she booked out 10 days.  I can self care but have little resource to handle the bumps and just regularities of life.  Last night I thought I was going to self harm, but I didn’t.  I’m glad I didn’t because they might put me in the hospital and I don’t need that right now.  It wouldn’t have been worth it.  Then I was suicidal and there honestly wasn’t any good reason, like there needs to be a good reason.  If you know how my brain works and the chronic suicidal thoughts with BPD and depression.  But this morning, all last night was a blur.  What seemed hours I can barely remember what happened or not.  There seems to be a superficial coating that quickly scratches away with any provocation on my life.  Right now I’m just going with it.  I’m reaching out a little more to 20 somethings friend, he knew about the PTSD stuff.  Not sure about letting my case manager in on whats going on, or the people I’m volunteering with at NAMI.  It’s not like I haven’t had a lifetime of handling things like this, balancing acts, explanations to be made if it comes down to it, or just how it is now the freaky ominous premonition of the future repeating itself.

SaveSave

Care

14 May

It’s time to put myself back into not care mode its apparent neither do either.  It’s been an empty house all day.  I went to class and both clubs as well as met up with classmates to do homework.  I’m back to feeling like last year, but more complicated.  I just want to go home, but now home is uncomfortable too.  I’m trying to be play positive but it is getting too much.  The PTSD mode is pretty much out of my system though no one other than 20 something friend asked or noticed.  I’m to the point where I’ll begin having sex with guys.  I don’t care if it sets off PTSD again, I managed.  My testosterone is making it too much to deal with and I’m curious.  Right now fuck consequences, fuck everything.  Very BPD.

So it wasn’t

10 May

So it wasn’t and I’ve still been bopping around here and there and everywhere.  Today it took 30 minutes and the 3 parking garage floors to find my car after school.  I accidentally gave my birth name to someone at the volunteer place who only knows me as ty and then had to correct myself.  My essay in Spanish was so disorganized, i need to write my professor but I don’t know what to say other than I’m crazy and I get accommodations and I need them this time.  I can’t write it tonight, not functioning well enough.  Assignment due tomorrow, need to do it last weeks didn’t do.  Also tomorrow need to get haircut, get tb shot, and fingerprint. Sounds easy enough unless its another bad ptsd day. Wish me luck

PTSD World

8 May

So I’ve began slipping into PTSD world.  I’m trying to do what I can to stop the slipping but then there seems to be another part of me that just doesn’t care so it’s hard.  This morning I woke up all disoriented and an hour off in time, rushing to volunteer and it look me about 15 minutes to orient myself and realize I was at the school an hour early even after I had noticed the school office was locked, there were only 2 cars in the parking lot, and I only talked to one teacher I saw.  Today was riddled with PTSD symptoms and switching and I swear I learned nothing.  I did talk to 20 somethings friend and that helped a lot as I felt like this whole thing was my fault and was really feeling bad and I felt better after.  Even though the PTSD symptoms returned later after.  In order not to go deeper like last night I just self medicated as soon as I got home.  I couldn’t put up with the symptoms.  I had NyQuil some lorazepam, and Latuda.  I just woke up.  I feel out of it (literally) and out of the PTSD world right now too.  I don’t think this is the final fight.

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7 May

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Tired… but

6 May

I’m tired but something else.  Not really sure what some combo state… mixed but not not necessarily a bad mix.  Like a spill mix but no one to spill to.  I have a midterm due tomorrow at 10pm it’s online and I should start it tonight but I just don’t feel like it.  I also have an assignment I didn’t do Friday that I’m thinking about doing tonight but I’m not sure if I’ll get late credit, so is it really worth doing?  I’m having the wrist burning, it’s my own fault.  I’m thinking about planning tonight.  But I really feel like talking, weird since I rarely do.

Lots of NAMI

28 Apr

Today I went to a training all day called MH101 it’s to be a presenter for specific minority communities , time being the LGBTQIA community.  It was 8 hours long and I have to go back tomorrow for another 4 hours.  The training is good and I’ve told me story informally many times, so it’s interesting how they want you to compact it and sprinkle it with facts and such.  I do like the layout, so that’s good.  I’m just really tired.  Last night was t-shirt decorating night for my NAMI Walks team it was in the college town I live in now.  There were 8 people including me.  Tonight is another team t-shirt decorating night but in the town I use to live in where I’ve built my team for the last 5 years.  There should be 6 people.  My team is about 35 counting all kids and animals, but of course not everyone can come to t-shirt decorating night and personalize their shirt.

I need to find all my training manuals and certificates for mental health related stuff.  Most of it’s here.  Be more organized, especially as I am getting more and more involved and some programs are pre-reqs of other programs.

I’m busy and tired all the time but I feel like I’m using all the stuff I’ve been through for good.  It’s finally worth something.

Chum Blogging Award/Letter to someone Important

22 Apr

Carol Anne has nominated me for the Blogging Chums Award!
Thanks, Carol Anne!

The Blogging Chums Award is given to particularly brilliant bloggers who are really providing something special to the community, either through their writing or the way they engage with other people: they’re just brilliant! The award was created by Robert at The Non-Alcoholic Student.

Here are the rules:

  • Be sure to use the award image!
  • List the rules & the about paragraph!
  • Thank whoever nominated you!
  • Write a letter to someone who means a lot to you to spread some positivity around the internet – anyone will do!
  • Nominate 5-10 more people for the award and let them know about their nomination in their comments screen.

Anyone who knows me knows I don’t let a lot of people into my life.  You need to be special.  You need to be able to hold on for the ride and trust me it’s going to be a crazy ride and of those few that get let in there are even fewer that I’ve learned to trust and love, those that support me in almost everything I do.   Those who are there for me when things/I get crazy.  People who know the past, the inside workings, and all that other shit and still love me.  This letter is to those few people.

I haven’t done awards in a real long time, so I’m not going to “nominate” anyone but if you read this and feel like writing a short letter to someone who has made a difference if your life.  Feel free 🙂