Coming into a notoriously rough month for me. Last therapy and counseling session have just been emotional and I don’t usually get emotional with the therapist because I don’t trust her. Yesterday I saw her. I was so tired, comes with the depression, and maybe the wear off of the weeekend hypomanic episode. I slept all but 3 hours of classes, an hour of therapy, an hour and a half of driving, about 45 mins of dinner, and 45 mins waiting for dinner. I’m not getting school work done, I’m not getting anything done. I haven’t been taking my medication as prescribed because I don’t have the energy to load my pill chart and/or sleep through doses. I didn’t even talk about the referral to the gender specialist yesterday. I did mention the bottom dysphoria from last week and that I went to a Trans rally over the weekend because the whole bathroom thing. Mostly we talked about my social situation, not having friends. Not being able to make friends and not really having social skills I talked about this with my case manager last week too. It’s really getting to me. I guess I’m getting closer to my planner friends but I really only see them once a month, thinking about joining their chat next month- when school calms down. I’m failing a class, and I care but I don’t again depression, I doubt I can pull off a passing grade but I’m thankful 20 somethings friend and my sister talked me into changing it into a Pass No Pass grading system. I’m taking 19 units on the quarter system right now which is a lot of classes. That’s all for now.
A lot has happened since I last posted but I’m trying to put that behind me and move on, maybe a retroactive update later
Today the gender dysphoria was strong. I looked in the mirror and I immediately had to look away. I got dressed in the corner so the walls couldn’t see me. The gender dysphoria that usually goes with my breasts was combined with the body dysphoria that I get with my weight sometime. However this is the first time I had gender dysphoria for my bottom half. It was strange. That’s why while I don’t fully identify as trans I want to leave my options open. I feel like I’ve lived in a certain environment where certain things weren’t even allowed to be thought about until now.
I feel life going and it’s just kinda going in circles, sometimes I think I am making progress and then something happens and I think the progress that I made, I didn’t make. I changed my Greek to a Pass-No Pass status which was a good thing because I failed the Midterm. I don’t think I have ever failed anything I have ever tried in my life before, granted I didn’t try as hard as I could. I’m still okay with it though because I got a zero on a part that I didn’t have any idea on so when I subtracted that out I didn’t do that bad. Maybe I’m just rationalizing it, I don’t know. I can’t drop the class, so I just need to pass it. Things are still real difficult on the social front and it’s getting harder to pretend it just doesn’t bother me. I’m okay with a lot of time alone and my family lives close by so thats okay. But it’s just frustrating trying and failing, even though I know I’m not good at this. Like the people say their the ones missing out but when I don’t see myself that way then, I just see myself lacking.
Yes, maybe just yes. I gotta see what more I can do in regards to my gender identity/dysphoria stuff. Last session with the therapist was canceled because she was sick. I don’t see her now till the end of January. I got a sports bra and started wearing it a lot of December to get use to wearing bras again. When I get home from vacation I’m going to look into buying a binder. Having to dress up a lot on this trip and lil sis’ comments on my lack of feminist things being “gross” like not shaving my legs were sort of annoying. I want to be more me, more often. But I need to be able to be more independent if things go south and while I plan on that, I’m not there yet. Also everyone wants things to move so freaking slow, I’m going to be 35 this year and I feel like I don’t have time to waste and their just wasting their time testing me. This is how I am, I’ll always be, I handle things, crisis to crisis as they apprear, whatever gender I am or in between.
Today at the grocery store I got some strange looks. Dirty looks and then the “oh…” look. I wonder how sometimes people see right through me and other times. It takes forever for anyone to ever know anything is wrong. I guess it’s not socially acceptable behavior, my clothing, pushing a shopping cart with 4 items in it and 4 gift cards in the 15 items or less line. Whatever…
I don’t think I’m too good with words and it’s so loud in my head. Quiet is dangerous. Probably the most suicidal I’ve been but I had this weekend trip coming up and the pills wouldn’t have worked that fast. 20 somethings friend would’ve called my sister when I didn’t show up. She’d check the blog and send someone to check on me. It wouldn’t be long enough and then I’d probably be forced to move back home and my mental health workers would never trust me anymore. I’m not definite enough right now, not desperate enough yet. I guess most people would consider that a good thing. The voices been acting up. This whole presidency and current events have me in fear and uncertainty. And I think I’m just slipping into a depressive episode anyways. Not necessarily sad; just empty and depressed. Suppose to have two psych appt this week. Don’t want to tell the therapist what’s up; I just don’t trust her enough. Don’t want to worry my case manager or have her talk me into going into the hospital even though that may be what I very may well need. I shall live another day. Or two
Voices, my sister had her baby yesterday, the voices are telling me it’s going to die because of choices I am making. I took some valium and an extra half of a Latuda. I have a midterm tomorrow morning and the last one on Tuesday. I see my case manager tomorrow, but I’m afraid to mention it because of going to the hospital before my last midterm. Plus I don’t want to go to the hospital anyways. I got the music blasting, I’m trying to use my coping skills but it’s hard to use them and co-study. Plus I really need to study for this Greek midterm. Wish me luck, everyone!
I’m tired and my back hurts. It’s been a long day, I set my alarm for 6:30am and have had no naps, I stayed at school all day and took my laptop and some planner accessories both to study for the midterm and to keep me busy during my break. I think it was too much stuff for my backpack, my back is killing me. I think I did okay on the midterm, time will tell. It’s a class where the midterms is 30% of your grade so hopefully. I actually did study and go over things quite a bit. I’ve been taking cold medicine to fight off what might turn into a cold/the flu. Today I wore some new jeans my mom bought me, they were suppose to be exactly like another pair just black; but after 2 hours of wearing them I realized they were skinny jeans. I’m glad my sensory processing disorder keeps me kinda disconnected from my body because it helps with the gender dysphoria. Now I’m just going to donate the pants. So I have one pair of jeans, I need to buy another pair and I hate shopping. This weekend. I think I’m just going to buy in the mens department. I’ve thought about switching to boxer-briefs so I might pick up that too. I think the only reason I’m awake is I had an energy drink and starbucks today. I want to go to sleep but I need to do some Greek homework; either tonight or set the alarm early and do it in the am. It’s a going through the motions kind of day.
Today was a really good day, despite the fact that I think I’m catching a cold. I had an appointment with the therapist, first one since school started. I told her about my difficulty with the women’s honor society and how I decided not to apply. I also asked what would be the steps for top surgery. She lined up some intense ones about being trans but she knows I don’t identify as trans. But not as cis either. Luckily I know the consult therapist so I can try to explain gender variant if not. I’m willing to go through most the steps to get what I want. I do have gender dysphoria. I think testosterone would mess with my moods but I’d be willing to try it if I had to. I won’t bind, wearing a bra or tight shirts triggers the dysphoria by reminding me my breasts are there. I could care less on pronouns whatever is easiest for the other person at this stage I have no preference. So we’ll see how the consult goes. I also told my sister today, she took it good. That was good, though I figured she would
I went to one class Tuesday and a social event at the LGBTIAQ center.
I went to class today, acted happy with my sister, and held back tears when I didn’t have a partner to converse with at a metal health club meeting I went to.
Lets see what tomorrow brings…
Did I mention my first midterm is in less than a week and I don’t see my case manager until two of my midterms are over?