Archive | Trauma RSS feed for this section

Update 9/7/17

7 Sep

Things have been so -so the last week, before that it was chaos.  The back 2s (voices) came back for a go.  I was having flashback symptoms.  Bad dreams.  And mood swings like nothing.

I’m still having bad dreams but their not trans related more abandonment related and BPD stuff.  My mood has stabilized out and my case manager is probably right it was missing my hormones for 2 days (4 doses).  The flashbacks are less frequent but there still there.  The other night it was bad enough I had to take my bracelets and fitbit off.  The voices subsided, not sure why or what not but I’m just glad.

20 somethings friend is coming to visit in less than a week so I’m excited about that.  It turns out with my fall schedule I can still help babysit my nephew on Mondays like I’ve been doing this summer, so I’m excited about that.

GRE bootcamp has started and it’s a lot of work.  I’m now glad I have a 1/2 day tomorrow because I have an appointment with my case manager.  Next week I’ll be taking a friend from gender group to SF for an appt so I’ll do a 1/2 day or take the full day off, so looking forward to another break again.

Medicine

7 Aug

It’s interesting well scary kinda… I can skip three doses and I feel myself start floating away.  Like sanity is slowly slipping away.  I’m an adult and I can make my own choices and because of some dumb inconveniences I decided to stay at my parents which meant I didn’t have my meds.  As I was driving back to my house this morning I’m frantic to write down all this important stuff that I can no longer remember (probably cuz the meds are already kicking in) because some aliens are going to delete the information from my brain and call it alziheimers because that’s what they’ve been doing to everything.  I get stuck on some PTSD stuff from the past and I want to write on it, but I don’t want to focus and get stuck there.  My mind is everywhere.  I’m posting on Facebook, Facebook messaging people and have all this shit going on in my head when I nearly get in a car accident.  And the only thing I think, gladly going somewhere near back into reality is their going to read my post about needing my meds and this is going to be all my fault.  Not how fast I was going, or that I would have been really hurt or hurt someone else.

 

Does anyone else feel themselves slip away as they don’t take meds?  I mean I could go with it, but I don’t really like myself in that place it’s too messy.

Sex and PTSD

3 Aug

I’m frustrated, scared, annoyed and a lot of other emotions mixed in that I can not name.  My emotion chart is currently MIA in the move.

I had counseling yesterday, and mentioned the manic mood which caused me nearly to have sex.  Not thinking much about it, then than maybe getting a reprimand.  Well, my case manager was/IS concerned about me having sex with men triggering my PTSD again.  Now I’m wondering if it’s even worth it.  But I just can’t not have sex forever, because I have these stupid PTSD things that happen.  I guess I gotta figure out how to work through them and if they will even happen this time.  And who will work with them with me.

Life’s so fucking complicated.

Bullying/”Cruel”

16 Jan

A conversation well rant my sister had the other day has been on my mind lately.  I guess my dad was at her house and was doing his thing where he makes fun of people and calls them a baby and all that to the neighbor kid that was at her house.  He did this to me growing up all the time, to various degrees.  Anyways, when the neighbor kid left I guess my sister just exploded at my dad about how it’s not his place to be harsh like that and how it’s one of his major short comings and how he’s such a bully.  How he was being a bully and all this that and the other including being cruel, harsh, negative, critical, and a coward.  Anyways, eventually my dad was like “Well, it’s just the neighbor kid and he needs to man up and it doesn’t matter.”  And my sister said “What about Marci, well how did that work out for you” and I guess then there was awkward silence.

I’ve always seen my dad as being verbally and emotionally abusive, but as a bully and “cruel” not till it was brought up the other night.  I guess I should bring up this with my case manager or the therapist.

World Mental Health Day 2016

10 Oct

Today is World Mental Health Day.  If you had told me a few years ago that I would be moved out from my parents house, going to a 4 year university and hadn’t been in the hospital for almost 2 years I would have thouworld-mental-health-day-10-october-earth-globe-in-handsght you had to be kidding me.  I am amazed at the progress I have made in the last two years.  With four official diagnoses, 8 prescription medications, and a few appointments a month I’ve managed to stay stable for the first time in 10 years.  My counseling appointments are decreasing from every week to every two weeks or sometimes three.  I have few self harming urges and while the suicidal thoughts still come and go; I don’t have the urge to act on them like I use to and tend not to ruminate.  I used to think that I would be trapped in my lower state of functioning for the rest of my life, I hung on mostly for other people and out of guilt.  Now (most times) I actually look forward to the future.  I anticipate flare ups and relapses, I know I have acute chronic illnesses.  But I am enjoying the moment and success I have right now.

All over the place

30 Jun

My mood has kinda been all over the place lately and mostly reliant on other people or me level of boredom.  Which isn’t healthy.  Sometimes it’s not.  I’m kinda excited about starting summer school and the whole transition of moving out and transferring to UC Davis, but I try not to think about it to much because I don’t want to get overwhelmed.  Since I’m only taking one class this summer and it doesn’t start till August 1st, I was thinking about delving into some help type things I’ve been avoiding like maybe looking into talking about gender identity (though it isn’t bothering me too much right now) or looking into ACOA groups, again it’s not bothering me too much.  I guess things don’t have to be really difficult at the time to bother you, if you still know they are an issue.  I know when school starts up, it will be too crazy.  I’m interested to see what this ASD eval has to say.  I was talking to 20 something friend today about relationships and meeting people and how I don’t have skills and sometimes no interest and he was talking about like an ASD group or something.  I don’t know if that exists and technically I don’t know if I have a diagnosis or will.  I know in the past from being friends with others with BPD it was a mistake and caused a lot of drama.  I know I was trying not to look up info on ASD until I heard from the doctors, but I wanted to know what the new DSM5 had to say about it as I heard they were doing away with Aspergers and that’s most likely what I think I would be diagnosed with.  I was not surprised to find I met most the criteria but then that it said it had to be ruled out for schizophrenia, so I wonder if they will roll all the “social functioning” issues I have under the schizo in schizoaffective and then have the sensory issues in the Sensory Processing Disorder and just kind of ignore the other weird quirks like delayed sexuality, poor motor skills, my fixations, routines and problems with change.  So many questions and probably few will get answered.

Boundaries and fear

3 Jun

A few days ago me and my dad got into it.  It was just like every other time.  It was over something petty, it involved him calling me names, screaming at me and cussing at me.  But there were a few things different this time.  I didn’t cry hysterically immediately in front of him, I didn’t automatically apologize for all of my behavior to placate him.  And when he said he was sorry, I said if he was sorry, maybe he should try to work on trying not to do this anymore.  When he said it was because he loved me and he cared about me, I flipped internally- hello the definition of abuse.  I said there you go again the “old dog” and “just the way you are” and then I ran off to my room and started crying.  This type of behavior has been going on since I was a child, minus me sticking up for myself somewhat.  And it just really clicked what it was, what it is.  And I don’t understand how he can justify it as “love” and “care.”  After I stood up for myself I was practically shaking in fear, I’m still somewhat afraid but it’s been 3 days so it’s mostly subsided.  My case manager thinks I’m afraid I’m going to hit him or lash out in anger towards him.  Really I’m afraid of retaliation from him, not that he’ll hit me.  I don’t think he’d do that, but more sudle emotional ways or something.

A Whole Lot of Stuff

8 May

Yesterday was the NAMI Walk here is a picture of my 2016 Team:

NAMI 2016 Team

Biggest team yet with 23 participants, 4 of which were children and 2 of which were dogs.  It rained so it was a good turnout of my 31 people registered.  I met my fund raising goal of $1,500.  The highest amount I’ve raised in all 4 years too.

goal met!

My ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) Evaluation  is set for May 24th so we’ll see what happens I also have an appointment with the therapist that day and it’s a week after school ended.  Me and my case manager have decided to go to meetings once every two weeks because I’m doing good but that might chance with the loss of structure from summer and some realizations I had when talking with some Autistic friends.  I’m set to receive to more AAs this semester, Associate Degrees or 2 years degrees one in Foreign Languages and the other in LGBT studies (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender).  I’m not going to either commencement ceremony but for my LGBT studies one I am going to a more informal Rainbow Graduation and 20 somethings friend is going.  I only invited 3 people, my sister and family friend couldn’t go both are traveling.

I signed my commitment thing to go to UC Davis and will be going to their transfer day this Friday and touring student housing and making my decision when I get home I plan on filling out the forms and putting my deposit down for student housing.  My financial aid finally went through and I’m relieved I won’t be paying that much for college so if my unpredictable parents do something stupid I’m still okay.

Things are good but I’m exhausted from yesterday.

Fundraising update

28 Apr


I have reached the $1,000 mark and have almost raised as much as I did last year, which was $1,065. My goal this year is $1,500 and I have a week left to reach my goal. I was hoping my sister and brother-in-law were going to have their garage sale before the NAMI Walk and they said they’d donate some of the money to my walk but that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. I’m still happy I raised at least one thousand. I would like to brag last years even if I don’t meet this years goal. My team this year will be much bigger about 30 people compared to 14 last year. So over all I’m doing well. If you’d like to help me reach my goal if greatly appreciate it, every little amount counts. 

http://www.namiwalks.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=1143

Hope

27 Apr


This is a picture of my team shirt for the NAMI Walk this year. I have the green mental illness awareness ribbon with hope written inside. I’m finally seeing a lot of hope in my life. Over a year and a half without a hospitalization. Transferring to UC Davis in the fall and moving out. Getting accepted to all the other colleges I applied to was validation and definitely help my self esteem. I’m growing up and seeing a future. There is hope.