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SPD is not a “dubious diagnosis”

6 Mar

I’m an adult with SPD!

Eating Off Plastic

There I was, spending a quiet evening at home, munching diligently on some freshly-baked oatmeal cookies when my eyes scanned the internet headline “Why ‘Sensory Integration Disorder’ Is A Dubious Diagnosis.” The author of the article, Peter L. Heilbroner, MD, PhD, states that Sensory Processing Disorder (or Sensory Integration Disorder, as it’s also known) is not a real condition.

cookies yay

As I began to violently shovel oatmeal cookies into my mouth, I read and re-read his article over and over. Below, I have written a counter-argument, because I believe Sensory Processing Disorder is real and those of us with SPD deserve advocacy. Since I am an adult with SPD, I will do the advocating!

His argument:

“Many children with autism have “sensory issues” such as oversensitivity to touch. Similar symptoms occur with other neurodevelopmental and behavioral problems (including attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) and anxiety disorders. However, the prevailing medical view is that “sensory…

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I Need You to Know That I Have a Personality Disorder

4 Mar


Mental Illness Talk

I need you to know that I have a personality disorder, it is the diagnosis that I don’t speak about publicly and rarely talk about to anybody because I’m scared that telling you what I have will make you think I am a bad person. I desperately need you to understand what life with a personality disorder is like. It isn’t an excuse for the way I behave, it’s an explanation.

My personality disorder makes any kind of relationship difficult. No one seems to stay long in my life and I often find that I am ‘too much’ for people as I am vulnerable and dependent. I feel inadequate a lot of the time. I struggle to fit in and often my efforts lead to me embarrassing myself. I have powerful relationships and a lot of love to give but they are full of terror and fear. I fear abandonment…

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The Journey of Having Borderline Personality Disorder

1 Mar



There are places inside my mind where I decide not to visit anymore. Every time I think about a memory, I involuntarily recreate it and the feelings. I recreate the pain. It’s like I’m swimming in an ocean of thoughts. I’m just constantly swimming and if I stop and get lost in what it was or could have been, I simply drown. Sadly, that is an ongoing experience for me. I keep drowning and drowning and drowning. I wish that one day, I could stop swimming. So that I could float instead of drowning and let the ocean currents guide me into the peaceful shores.

“Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness that causes unstable moods, behaviour, and relationships. It usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood. Most people who have BPD suffer from: Problems regulating their emotions and thoughts. Impulsive and sometimes reckless behaviour.”

You’re not born…

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To Be Transgender, Mentally Ill, And Still Alive

23 Feb

“Because so long as this world isn’t made for us, I have to keep fighting for a better world.”

Let's Queer Things Up!

Content Note: Mentions of suicide, trans/homophobia, saneism

Nearly every day for the past five months, give or take, I’ve had a moment when I glance out the window onto my street and think to myself, “I was never supposed to be here.”

This feeling isn’t new to me – I’ve dealt with “survivor’s guilt” in some form for years now – but the feeling intensified when I moved to my new apartment.

You know, the apartment that I feel like I don’t deserve for some reason or another.

Here’s the honest truth: People like me? Mentally ill queer kids, the ones that get their homophobia or transphobia with a side of psychosis? The ones whose trauma isn’t just a meal but comes with an appetizer and a fucking dessert?

This world isn’t made for us.

How would I know that? I’ve lived it.

And I don’t think I would…

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The Truth About (Early) BPD ‘Recovery’

2 Jan

So You Wanna Be Bipolar? Here’s a handy dandy Checklist!

2 Dec

Bipolar First Bipolar Together



This is for fun guys

We are pretending that we need to hire people to be Bipolar!

See just a game. NO ONE wants to be Bipolar

To be clear.  No Bipolar would answer true to any of these statements either. This is humor. Designed to convey the suckiness that is Bipolar.  No one is supposed to take away that we actually do this stuff on purpose.  But if a normie liked all this shit than they should trade places with one of us.



Thank you for your interest in becoming Bipolar. Before we proceed you need to complete this short questionnaire.

These are true or false statements.  Please answer “true”, “false”, or “Are you fucking kidding me?” to each item.

You need to be able to answer “true” to at least 300 of them in order to qualify for the next phase of the program.

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Wants, needs, and reaching out – some more lessons from therapy

30 Nov

This is very similar to an interaction I had with a friend over the holiday weekend.
“I remembered that power struggle and felt as though I was trapped in it again, only on the other side. I felt an immense need for her to reach out to me, and I simply could not understand why she wouldn’t. It felt as though she was holding back; as if I was subject to her whim and at the mercy of whether or not she chose to respond to my needs. She seemed cruel; and I felt I was waiting, helplessly, for any words of comfort or encouragement that might come my way.”

Life in a Bind - BPD and me

My eldest child sobbed in front of me, desperate for something I was refusing to give him. He felt an overwhelming need, and I wasn’t meeting it. Worse than that, he couldn’t understand why. He kept saying ‘why, mummy, why?’. And all I could do was repeat what now felt like a stupid and arbitrary rule of behaviour that had served its purpose a couple of years ago, but now felt cruel and out of place. And yet I felt trapped by it, and the more I said ‘no’, the more entrenched that ‘no’ became, and I felt at the same time both captive and dictator – bound by the rule, but exercising it on a whim. It was hurting him, and it was hurting me, and I felt powerless to kneel down, hug him, and end the power struggle we were caught up in.


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Day 396

16 Nov

Helping a person who is suicidal.


Everyone can help prevent suicides because:

  • About 80% of the time people who kill themselves have given definite signals or talked about suicide
  • Most suicidal people don’t really want to die – they just want their pain to end

So, all one needs to know is:

  • How to identify someone at high risk (Warning signs)
  • What to do. (Intervention)

Warning Signs:

  • Observable signs of serious depression
    • Unrelenting low mood
    • Pessimism
    • Hopelessness
    • Desperation
    • Anxiety, psychic pain, inner tension
    • Withdrawal
    • Sleep problems
  • Increased alcohol and/or other drug use
  • Recent impulsiveness and taking unnecessary risks
  • Threatening suicide or expressing strong wish to die
  • Making a plan
    • Giving away prized possessions
    • Purchasing a firearm
    • Obtaining other means of killing oneself
  • Unexpected rage or anger

DSM – V – Suicide Assessment Dimension

High level of concern:

1.Living alone, chronic severe pain, or recent (within 3 months) significant loss

2.Recent psychiatric admission/discharge or first diagnosis…

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Never enough? BPD and the need for connection

1 Nov

” Interactions that felt caring, satisfying and enriching; and yet also left me feeling empty, and needing something more. Interactions that left me wondering: if you knew that while we were engaged in casual conversation, I was wishing that you would take me in your arms and hold me – would you still want to be in the same room as me tomorrow? If you knew that behind the sense of fun and the stimulating conversation, was a powerful desire for emotional connection – would you risk that conversation again? And if you knew that sometimes when I’m close to you, I just want to climb inside your heart and be kept safe there…..”

Life in a Bind - BPD and me

I have been reminded quite forcefully this week, of the fact that I have BPD. Not that it’s particularly easy to forget; but I think it’s fair to say that over the last year or so, the ‘label’ I clung onto so fiercely before (as without it I felt I lacked definition), has seemed a little less important. In therapy I feel I have moved away from trying to understand my ‘symptoms’, to trying to understand my own set of circumstances and past experiences, which are ultimately unique to me. Similarly, my blog posts have moved, I think, from being primarily about my experience of BPD, to being more about my experience of therapy and of life, of which BPD symptoms are a part.

But this week, I feel I am a walking example of a ‘textbook borderline’ – without meaning to cause offence, and in full recognition of the…

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On invalidation

14 Oct

Invalidation can be so hurtful. But on the same token validation can be so comforting.


There have certainly been times in my life where people have questioned my ability to do certain activities. Some people have told me I was being “too sensitive,” behaving “like a victim,” and more.

There have also been times where people likely meant to be encouraging. “You can do it!” “Fake it ’til you make it!” “You just need to believe in possibility.” “Step up, I’ve seen you do it before!”

I have come to recognize that both kinds of statements have the potential be invalidating. Someone telling me to keep going when I had little resources or capacity to continue was not helpful. Even positive encouragement has sometimes across as dismissive, not taking the time to full acknowledge my experience. In retrospect, it’s a bit like, “I know you meant well, but did you really hear what I was saying?”

I have also realized that it’s fairly easy to…

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