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Fuck I guess you were right

30 Apr

Judging by the last week I’m not stable enough to start hormone therapy, testosterone.  Seriously looking at my mood and how minor events effect it made me realize that they were right as much as I wish it wasn’t true.  Part of it’s frustrating as I don’t have the support to process all the shit going on right now so that’s why I’m having my mood so effected by things.  And that isn’t changing any time soon.  ūüė¶  so it’s up to me to learn to cope if I want to “be stable” enough to start hormone therapy.   Time to dust off the DBT skills binder.

More on Autism

11 Apr

So I’ve mentioned before that both my case manager and the therapist wanted to have me evaluated to see if I fell on the Autistic Spectrum. ¬†This was due to a variety of issues including my Sensory Processing Disorder, issues with eye contact, problems with socializing, and falling a lot. ¬†With Kaiser’s evaluation system that took like 3 months to go through I was found not to have an ASD because I did not present symptoms as an infant, though I met enough criteria currently and had since a child. ¬†This has been upsetting me a lot. ¬†Transferring to UC Davis, I still haven’t made any connections and while I don’t need to have a lot of friends and to be honest am not interested in having a lot of friends, I would like to have one or two. ¬†I never seem to say the right thing and I can’t figure out people. ¬†My case manager went to a training about a week ago now and she said a lot of females on the spectrum are misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar because Autism is about not being able to control your emotions. ¬†I have both. ¬†She said if it’s any something she thinks I’m somewhere on the spectrum and that they need to train Kaiser doctors better.

I know several autistic young adults.  I found this on the internet the other day:

What do you think the most common cause of premature death is among adults of typical or high intelligence with autism spectrum disorders? It’s suicide.

A large study was recently published in the British Journal of Psychiatry that examined the risk of death among the 27,122 persons diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders in Sweden when compared to age-matched controls. One significant finding from the study is that on average, persons with autism die sixteen years sooner than would be anticipated.  The finding we’ll examine more closely is that adults with autism and no intellectual disability are over nine times more likely to commit suicide when compared to their age-matched peers. Unlike the general population, in which men are significantly more likely to commit suicide than women, women with autism were at higher risk of suicide in this study than men.

Last month’s study isn’t the only signal that persons with autism are especially vulnerable to suicide.

  • A¬†study of 10-14 year-olds with autism¬†reported that 70% of kids with autism also had at least one mental health disorder such as anxiety, ADHD or depression, and 41% had¬†at least two¬†comorbid mental health disorders. Of those with ADHD, 84% received a second comorbid diagnosis.
  • Kids with autism were¬†28 times more likely to experience suicidal ideation¬†than age-matched peers without autism¬†in this study.
  • In a¬†study of 374 adults with Asperger‚Äôs Disorder,¬†66% of 367 respondents self-reported suicidal ideation, 127 (35%) of 365 respondents self-reported plans or attempts at suicide, and 116 (31%) of 368 respondents self-reported depression. Adults with Asperger‚Äôs syndrome were nearly ten times as likely to report lifetime experience of suicidal ideation than individuals from a general UK population sample, and more prone to suicidal ideation than people with one, two, or more medical illnesses, or people with psychotic illness.

Why might suicide represent such an enormous problem among high-functioning persons with autism spectrum disorders?

They’re more likely to experience social isolation and lack social supports. In the fall of 2014, we shared this anonymous post from a college student describing her experience of trying to attend church as a person with autism. Imagine how the challenges she describes would impact her day to day life outside of church.

High-functioning kids with autism are significantly more likely to become victims of bullying when compared to their peers with autism and intellectual disability. It’s become socially inappropriate to ridicule persons with an obvious disability…less so when the disability isn’t so obvious.

They’re more likely to experience difficulties with executive functioning that may translate into a greater risk of acting upon suicidal impulses, more difficulty employing effective problem-solving skills and more difficulty self-regulating emotions. Learn more here about the challenges persons face with executive functioning challenges.

Their propensity to become very fixated on specific thoughts or ideas may intensify suicidal thoughts, or result in more difficulty letting go of feelings of hopelessness when they occur.

http://www.keyministry.org/church4everychild/2017/4/4/the-suicide-epidemic-among-high-functioning-persons-with-autism

PS I’ve been more suicidal with less friendship and more lonely lately.

Failure & Stress

1 Feb

I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me. ¬†I’m having a hard time with my classes,¬†for the first time in my life. ¬†I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable. ¬†And roundy round goes the pattern. ¬†I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now. ¬†I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.

I don’t fail, or do I?

You can call it emotional, I’ll call it wise

18 Jan

I’m overwhelmed. ¬†I did it to myself and I’m not surprised, but I also think I can stick it out and enjoy it while not stressing out what everyone else thinks. ¬†Along with that I ran into some unexpected financial issues because I just realized I spent all my checking account that’s in the bank. ¬†That’s okay because I have money that’s not in the bank; yes, I’m one of these people. ¬†But really how did I spend over $2,000? ¬†Anyways, now this weekend I got to go home to put money in the bank so I can pay my credit card and I was trying not to go home this weekend because I feel like I am drowning at school. ¬†Monday I see the therapist so maybe on the way to the therapist’s office; since I’ll be close to home. ¬†I got so overwhelmed with this financial stuff and how I am just not succeeding at life that I took one of my valium to just go to sleep and not deal with it for awhile, I set my alarm for 4pm. ¬†I had a support group at 5pm. ¬†My psychiatrist would be disappointed in me, maybe the therapist but not my case manager. ¬†I could of took all 4 valium (all I had) or them plus all my other pills (yes I considered it for a quick sec.) ¬†I could of told myself to time for rest like I have in the past and self harmed to have the energy to write the paper that’s due tonight and probably fake okay to the group I never ended up going to. ¬†The weather is super rainy stormy in California; what we need after our years of Drought but I’m not in the mood to get real clothes on and then rain clothes just to go out for 2 hours when I don’t really feel like socializing. ¬†I still didn’t manage crying- the tears are locked somewhere- within the resolute “I can do this, this is nothing” facade. ¬†I imagine I made right the choice, no mater what it was the choice I made, off to do homework.

World Mental Health Day 2016

10 Oct

Today is World Mental Health Day. ¬†If you had told me a few years ago that I would be moved out from my parents house, going to a 4 year university and hadn’t been in the hospital for almost 2 years I would have thouworld-mental-health-day-10-october-earth-globe-in-handsght you had to be kidding me. ¬†I am amazed at the progress I have made in the last two years. ¬†With four official diagnoses, 8 prescription medications, and a few appointments a month I’ve managed to stay stable for the first time in 10 years. ¬†My counseling appointments are decreasing from every week to every two weeks or sometimes three. ¬†I have few self harming urges and while the suicidal thoughts still come and go; I don’t have the urge to act on them like I use to and tend not to ruminate. ¬†I used to think that I would be trapped in my lower state of functioning for the rest of my life, I hung on mostly for other people and out of guilt. ¬†Now (most times) I actually look forward to the future. ¬†I anticipate flare ups and relapses, I know I have acute chronic illnesses. ¬†But I am enjoying the moment and success I have right now.

Today… and no this will not take all the blame

15 Sep

Today I had a counseling appointment and even though my case manager doesn’t really want to address the gender identity issues she today said that my self harm was a result of gender identity and sexuality issues. ¬†I was quick to point out I was self harming before those issues came to light and for other reasons. ¬†I often worry about people taking my biological disorders and my situational life happenings and screwing them up and trying to put something where it doesn’t belong. ¬† I did mention that yes I did self harm on my breasts because I hated them; but I self harmed for a slew of other reasons before I hit puberty (when gender issues came on) and before I met PK (when I started discovering my sexuality).

I’m thinking about using a new name with my new gender variant expression, when I start transitioning more, a nickname my sister has given me that is my initials. ¬†Before I do that though, I want it to be okay with her as it is her nickname sort of and I don’t know how she will feel about being gender variant and I don’t feel right about taking a nickname she gave me and using it; if she takes the transition really badly. ¬†I need to feel her out. ¬†I’m not good at feeling people out.

Abandonment sneaking back in

22 Aug

Honestly, I’m surprised it waited until now. ¬†It’ll less than a month till I’ll be moving out and officially starting UC Davis in the Fall Quarter which means that it is also less than a month until 20 something’s friend will be moving to San Diego. ¬†It’s starting to feel real, I’m starting to get sad, and I’m beginning to get overwhelmed. ¬†It started about a week and a half ago when he went there for a week long program at UCSD. ¬†One of the first days I just kinda lost it, and in front of my mom of all people. ¬†And for some reason I was seeking sympathy from her, talking about barking up the wrong tree and I should know better. ¬†I guess I was desperate. ¬†I tried my DBT skills all week. ¬†I FB messaged him a couple times but he was so busy with workshops and not and I didn’t want to be that person. ¬†After he got back I got a sweet postcard, I wish I had gotten it while he was gone, but since I was wrapped up in emotion mind a couple times I’m not sure it would have helped. ¬†I tried making plans with other friends, but my other blogger friends with BPD probably know how it is they are not¬†20 somethings friend; and it isn’t the same. ¬†It won’t be the same. ¬†It’s not the end of the world. ¬†But I’m losing my best friend. ¬†I have trouble making friends because of all my other issues and there won’t be anyone else in the world like him.

All over the place

30 Jun

My mood has kinda been all over the place lately and mostly reliant on other people or me level of boredom. ¬†Which isn’t healthy. ¬†Sometimes it’s not. ¬†I’m kinda excited about starting summer school and the whole transition of moving out and transferring to UC Davis, but I try not to think about it to much because I don’t want to get overwhelmed. ¬†Since I’m only taking one class this summer and it doesn’t start till August 1st, I was thinking about delving into some help type things I’ve been avoiding like maybe looking into talking about gender identity (though it isn’t bothering me too much right now) or looking into ACOA groups, again it’s not bothering me too much. ¬†I guess things don’t have to be really difficult at the time to bother you, if you still know they are an issue. ¬†I know when school starts up, it will be too crazy. ¬†I’m interested to see what this ASD eval has to say. ¬†I was talking to 20 something friend today about relationships and meeting people and how I don’t have skills and sometimes no interest and he was talking about like an ASD group or something. ¬†I don’t know if that exists and technically I don’t know if I have a diagnosis or will. ¬†I know in the past from being friends with others with BPD it was a mistake and caused a lot of drama. ¬†I know I was trying not to look up info on ASD until I heard from the doctors, but I wanted to know what the new DSM5 had to say about it as I heard they were doing away with Aspergers and that’s most likely what I think I would be diagnosed with. ¬†I was not surprised to find I met most the criteria but then that it said it had to be ruled out for schizophrenia, so I wonder if they will roll all the “social functioning” issues I have under the schizo in schizoaffective and then have the sensory issues in the Sensory Processing Disorder and just kind of ignore the other weird quirks like delayed sexuality, poor motor skills, my fixations, routines and problems with change. ¬†So many questions and probably few will get answered.

I’ve come a long way

13 Jun

I use to be really clingy. ¬†I don’t really attach to many people, so when I do it’s like I hold on for dear life. ¬†Along with that BPD fear of rejection or abandonment. ¬†My best friend needs alone time and has other time he spends with other friends or classmates and it use to really trigger me. ¬†I’m much better about it now. ¬†Before it would sometimes set off the voices and me into an emotional tirade to where I’d be on the edge of going to the hospital or I’d be self medicating, since I wasn’t self harming anymore.

I think maybe DBT helped a little, but mostly just growing up and realizing that you can’t always have someone 24/7. ¬†Trying not to dwell on it when he has plans with other people or just needs his alone time. Using that time to do stuff with my sister or other friends, or as some of my alone time.

Anyways I’m really proud of myself in this area, because when you cling too much you annoy people and push them away.

A Whole Lot of Stuff

8 May

Yesterday was the NAMI Walk here is a picture of my 2016 Team:

NAMI 2016 Team

Biggest team yet with 23 participants, 4 of which were children and 2 of which were dogs. ¬†It rained so it was a good turnout¬†of my 31 people registered. ¬†I met my fund raising goal of $1,500. ¬†The¬†highest amount I’ve raised in all 4 years too.

goal met!

My ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) Evaluation ¬†is set for May 24th so we’ll see what happens I also have an appointment with the therapist that day and it’s a week after school ended. ¬†Me and my case manager have decided to go to meetings once every two weeks because I’m doing good but that might chance with the loss of structure from summer and some realizations I had when talking with some Autistic friends. ¬†I’m set to receive to more AAs this semester, Associate Degrees or 2 years degrees one in Foreign Languages and the other in LGBT studies (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender). ¬†I’m not going to either commencement ceremony but for my LGBT studies one I am going to a more informal Rainbow Graduation and 20 somethings friend is going. ¬†I only invited 3 people, my sister and family friend couldn’t go both are traveling.

I signed my commitment thing to go to UC Davis and will be going to their transfer day this Friday and touring student housing and making my decision when I get home I plan on filling out the forms and putting my deposit down for student housing. ¬†My financial aid finally went through and I’m relieved I won’t be paying that much for college so if my unpredictable parents do something stupid I’m still okay.

Things are good but I’m exhausted from yesterday.