I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me. I’m having a hard time with my classes, for the first time in my life. I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable. And roundy round goes the pattern. I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now. I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.
I don’t fail, or do I?
Today is World Mental Health Day. If you had told me a few years ago that I would be moved out from my parents house, going to a 4 year university and hadn’t been in the hospital for almost 2 years I would have thought you had to be kidding me. I am amazed at the progress I have made in the last two years. With four official diagnoses, 8 prescription medications, and a few appointments a month I’ve managed to stay stable for the first time in 10 years. My counseling appointments are decreasing from every week to every two weeks or sometimes three. I have few self harming urges and while the suicidal thoughts still come and go; I don’t have the urge to act on them like I use to and tend not to ruminate. I used to think that I would be trapped in my lower state of functioning for the rest of my life, I hung on mostly for other people and out of guilt. Now (most times) I actually look forward to the future. I anticipate flare ups and relapses, I know I have acute chronic illnesses. But I am enjoying the moment and success I have right now.
Today I had a counseling appointment and even though my case manager doesn’t really want to address the gender identity issues she today said that my self harm was a result of gender identity and sexuality issues. I was quick to point out I was self harming before those issues came to light and for other reasons. I often worry about people taking my biological disorders and my situational life happenings and screwing them up and trying to put something where it doesn’t belong. I did mention that yes I did self harm on my breasts because I hated them; but I self harmed for a slew of other reasons before I hit puberty (when gender issues came on) and before I met PK (when I started discovering my sexuality).
I’m thinking about using a new name with my new gender variant expression, when I start transitioning more, a nickname my sister has given me that is my initials. Before I do that though, I want it to be okay with her as it is her nickname sort of and I don’t know how she will feel about being gender variant and I don’t feel right about taking a nickname she gave me and using it; if she takes the transition really badly. I need to feel her out. I’m not good at feeling people out.
Honestly, I’m surprised it waited until now. It’ll less than a month till I’ll be moving out and officially starting UC Davis in the Fall Quarter which means that it is also less than a month until 20 something’s friend will be moving to San Diego. It’s starting to feel real, I’m starting to get sad, and I’m beginning to get overwhelmed. It started about a week and a half ago when he went there for a week long program at UCSD. One of the first days I just kinda lost it, and in front of my mom of all people. And for some reason I was seeking sympathy from her, talking about barking up the wrong tree and I should know better. I guess I was desperate. I tried my DBT skills all week. I FB messaged him a couple times but he was so busy with workshops and not and I didn’t want to be that person. After he got back I got a sweet postcard, I wish I had gotten it while he was gone, but since I was wrapped up in emotion mind a couple times I’m not sure it would have helped. I tried making plans with other friends, but my other blogger friends with BPD probably know how it is they are not 20 somethings friend; and it isn’t the same. It won’t be the same. It’s not the end of the world. But I’m losing my best friend. I have trouble making friends because of all my other issues and there won’t be anyone else in the world like him.
Yesterday was the NAMI Walk here is a picture of my 2016 Team:
Biggest team yet with 23 participants, 4 of which were children and 2 of which were dogs. It rained so it was a good turnout of my 31 people registered. I met my fund raising goal of $1,500. The highest amount I’ve raised in all 4 years too.
My ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) Evaluation is set for May 24th so we’ll see what happens I also have an appointment with the therapist that day and it’s a week after school ended. Me and my case manager have decided to go to meetings once every two weeks because I’m doing good but that might chance with the loss of structure from summer and some realizations I had when talking with some Autistic friends. I’m set to receive to more AAs this semester, Associate Degrees or 2 years degrees one in Foreign Languages and the other in LGBT studies (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender). I’m not going to either commencement ceremony but for my LGBT studies one I am going to a more informal Rainbow Graduation and 20 somethings friend is going. I only invited 3 people, my sister and family friend couldn’t go both are traveling.
I signed my commitment thing to go to UC Davis and will be going to their transfer day this Friday and touring student housing and making my decision when I get home I plan on filling out the forms and putting my deposit down for student housing. My financial aid finally went through and I’m relieved I won’t be paying that much for college so if my unpredictable parents do something stupid I’m still okay.
Things are good but I’m exhausted from yesterday.
I have reached the $1,000 mark and have almost raised as much as I did last year, which was $1,065. My goal this year is $1,500 and I have a week left to reach my goal. I was hoping my sister and brother-in-law were going to have their garage sale before the NAMI Walk and they said they’d donate some of the money to my walk but that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. I’m still happy I raised at least one thousand. I would like to brag last years even if I don’t meet this years goal. My team this year will be much bigger about 30 people compared to 14 last year. So over all I’m doing well. If you’d like to help me reach my goal if greatly appreciate it, every little amount counts.
This is a picture of my team shirt for the NAMI Walk this year. I have the green mental illness awareness ribbon with hope written inside. I’m finally seeing a lot of hope in my life. Over a year and a half without a hospitalization. Transferring to UC Davis in the fall and moving out. Getting accepted to all the other colleges I applied to was validation and definitely help my self esteem. I’m growing up and seeing a future. There is hope.