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Fuck I guess you were right

30 Apr

Judging by the last week I’m not stable enough to start hormone therapy, testosterone.  Seriously looking at my mood and how minor events effect it made me realize that they were right as much as I wish it wasn’t true.  Part of it’s frustrating as I don’t have the support to process all the shit going on right now so that’s why I’m having my mood so effected by things.  And that isn’t changing any time soon.  ūüė¶  so it’s up to me to learn to cope if I want to “be stable” enough to start hormone therapy.   Time to dust off the DBT skills binder.

More on Autism

11 Apr

So I’ve mentioned before that both my case manager and the therapist wanted to have me evaluated to see if I fell on the Autistic Spectrum. ¬†This was due to a variety of issues including my Sensory Processing Disorder, issues with eye contact, problems with socializing, and falling a lot. ¬†With Kaiser’s evaluation system that took like 3 months to go through I was found not to have an ASD because I did not present symptoms as an infant, though I met enough criteria currently and had since a child. ¬†This has been upsetting me a lot. ¬†Transferring to UC Davis, I still haven’t made any connections and while I don’t need to have a lot of friends and to be honest am not interested in having a lot of friends, I would like to have one or two. ¬†I never seem to say the right thing and I can’t figure out people. ¬†My case manager went to a training about a week ago now and she said a lot of females on the spectrum are misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar because Autism is about not being able to control your emotions. ¬†I have both. ¬†She said if it’s any something she thinks I’m somewhere on the spectrum and that they need to train Kaiser doctors better.

I know several autistic young adults.  I found this on the internet the other day:

What do you think the most common cause of premature death is among adults of typical or high intelligence with autism spectrum disorders? It’s suicide.

A large study was recently published in the British Journal of Psychiatry that examined the risk of death among the 27,122 persons diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders in Sweden when compared to age-matched controls. One significant finding from the study is that on average, persons with autism die sixteen years sooner than would be anticipated.  The finding we’ll examine more closely is that adults with autism and no intellectual disability are over nine times more likely to commit suicide when compared to their age-matched peers. Unlike the general population, in which men are significantly more likely to commit suicide than women, women with autism were at higher risk of suicide in this study than men.

Last month’s study isn’t the only signal that persons with autism are especially vulnerable to suicide.

  • A¬†study of 10-14 year-olds with autism¬†reported that 70% of kids with autism also had at least one mental health disorder such as anxiety, ADHD or depression, and 41% had¬†at least two¬†comorbid mental health disorders. Of those with ADHD, 84% received a second comorbid diagnosis.
  • Kids with autism were¬†28 times more likely to experience suicidal ideation¬†than age-matched peers without autism¬†in this study.
  • In a¬†study of 374 adults with Asperger‚Äôs Disorder,¬†66% of 367 respondents self-reported suicidal ideation, 127 (35%) of 365 respondents self-reported plans or attempts at suicide, and 116 (31%) of 368 respondents self-reported depression. Adults with Asperger‚Äôs syndrome were nearly ten times as likely to report lifetime experience of suicidal ideation than individuals from a general UK population sample, and more prone to suicidal ideation than people with one, two, or more medical illnesses, or people with psychotic illness.

Why might suicide represent such an enormous problem among high-functioning persons with autism spectrum disorders?

They’re more likely to experience social isolation and lack social supports. In the fall of 2014, we shared this anonymous post from a college student describing her experience of trying to attend church as a person with autism. Imagine how the challenges she describes would impact her day to day life outside of church.

High-functioning kids with autism are significantly more likely to become victims of bullying when compared to their peers with autism and intellectual disability. It’s become socially inappropriate to ridicule persons with an obvious disability…less so when the disability isn’t so obvious.

They’re more likely to experience difficulties with executive functioning that may translate into a greater risk of acting upon suicidal impulses, more difficulty employing effective problem-solving skills and more difficulty self-regulating emotions. Learn more here about the challenges persons face with executive functioning challenges.

Their propensity to become very fixated on specific thoughts or ideas may intensify suicidal thoughts, or result in more difficulty letting go of feelings of hopelessness when they occur.

http://www.keyministry.org/church4everychild/2017/4/4/the-suicide-epidemic-among-high-functioning-persons-with-autism

PS I’ve been more suicidal with less friendship and more lonely lately.

It’s time for an update

4 Apr

A lot has gone on since the last update. ¬†I have decided to change from identifying as gender variant to gender queer, as I learn more about the community and more about what terms mean I learn more where I fit. ¬†Since my sexuality is no where near heterosexual and is shifting with my gender identity as well as still staying somewhat on the asexual spectrum, I decided to go with gender queer. ¬† I talked to the therapist yesterday AGAIN about being referred to the gender specialist and I think it’s finally going to happen! ¬†At least she thinks I’m stable enough. ¬†I’m not going to mention the last bout with the voices to the therapist or my case manager for a couple weeks, just in case.

I plan on getting my hair cut to look more masculine and also because it gets super hot here in California in the summer, and it’s already starting to warm up. ¬†My roommates don’t keep the apartment as cool as my parents kept the house and next year it will be harder as we will be paying utilities. ¬†I know people will have a problem with my hair cut, but I hope they will adjust.

I got accepted to go to T-Camp which is a retreat for people under the Trans umbrella at colleges in northern California; it’s two days and coming up next weekend. ¬†I’m not sure what to expect but I’m excited I got accepted.

I’m also starting NAMI’s Peer to Peer class in mid April and I’ve been trying to get into that for like 2 years. ¬†It’s either been in the wrong county or interfered with my school schedule. ¬†It’s 10 sessions, twice a week.

So lots of exciting things coming up!

Quarter winding down

19 Mar

Quarter is winding down at college. ¬†I mentioned I signed up for 5 classes, which is a lot. ¬†I was sorta manic and 3 classes last quarter didn’t keep me busy enough. ¬†I’m not going to pass one, but I changed it from a graded class to a Pass-No Pass class. ¬†This is the first time I’ve never passed a class in my life. ¬†My identity and self-worth use to be so built around my intelligence I had a hard time once I started failing Greek, but I’ve sort of accepted it. ¬†I have all A’s and B’s in my other classes. ¬†I went to the NAMI Kick Off Luncheon Friday and they didn’t give me a star walker pin. ¬†You get a star walker pin for raising over $1,000; I raised over $2,000 last year. ¬†I actually had the courage to speak to one of the people in charge and they said they’s look into it. ¬†I should mark off assertiveness on my DBT Skills list.

All my in class finals are tomorrow and a large paper is due by 5pm. ¬†I should be working on it right now, but I’m not. ¬†I have a hard time working on things unless it’s crunch time or I’m with other people who are working on things too. ¬†I’ve taken 3 naps already today. ¬†My not taking my medication as prescribed is catching up with me. ¬†I haven’t been loading my pill chart, mostly out of laziness. ¬†So I’ve only been taking 1/2 of my mood stabilizers and 1/2 my PTSD meds and my sleep has been off at night; therefore I’m sleeping more during the day. ¬†Last night at 1am I took the extra meds I should normally take. ¬†I need to load my pill chart today.

Next quarter will only be 3 classes, it will be less stressful. ¬†Hopefully, busy enough to keep me motivated though. ¬†Next week is spring break, 20 somethings friend is coming! ¬†I’m so excited!

The problems lack of memory brings

5 Mar

Today while driving back to my apartment from home, I was crying which is a pretty normal occurrence. ¬†It’s a 40 minute drive, I’m alone and I don’t have to worry about anyone finding me or asking me questions. ¬†As I was crying and thinking about my time here at UC Davis, my transition, and my lack of friends I was wondering if this was what it was like at the private christian college. ¬†Of course I don’t remember!

With everything going on, I’m getting back suicidal again. ¬†I think it might help if I could remember if this is what it was like before, because if it was- I either adjusted, quit, or got through it; because hey I’m here.

Again mostly annoyed by the lack of friends.  Which makes the thought of dying easier when there is no one to live for.  I got the few standard people but they are most distant with my school duties and their current life duties.

Apparently again can’t be ASD because I care about having a friend or two. ¬†Fucking ridiculous. ¬†And these people are suppose to be professionals. ¬†People annoy me to most an extent and I’m picky as hell about friends, but I want a couple.

Failure & Stress

1 Feb

I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me. ¬†I’m having a hard time with my classes,¬†for the first time in my life. ¬†I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable. ¬†And roundy round goes the pattern. ¬†I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now. ¬†I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.

I don’t fail, or do I?

30 Jan

Feeling down. ¬†Was feeling productive even good this morning. ¬†Then got two disappointing grades and my mood just plummeted. ¬†Actually thinking of dropping one of the classes. ¬†Emotional me wants to drop out entirely, well out of life- but you get the picture. ¬†My image for so long has been built on my academics, since I’m not able to work. ¬†It’s either that or my mental illness when it prevents me from school. Ugh.

Presidency- Fears- Holocaust Remembrance Day- Stonewall Riots

28 Jan

Lots of stuff going on in my head lately. ¬†Not sure how much I can trust to the mental health professionals as I fear they will block my transitioning goals, which is sad. ¬†Means I have to deal and stress alone, which I know isn’t good for my health. ¬†The other day was Holocaust remembrance day and it was also the day our stupid president decided to ban refugees to enter our country. ¬†Many don’t know/forget that gays were targeted during the holocaust too. ¬†Yes, i know the president hasn’t done anything yet to target the gays. ¬†I was also thing about the Stonewall riots that were not that one ago and how the police arrested people who were wearing a piece of clothing of the opposite sex, this would be everyday. ¬†Will the US come to this again? ¬†So many things to stress about.

You can call it emotional, I’ll call it wise

18 Jan

I’m overwhelmed. ¬†I did it to myself and I’m not surprised, but I also think I can stick it out and enjoy it while not stressing out what everyone else thinks. ¬†Along with that I ran into some unexpected financial issues because I just realized I spent all my checking account that’s in the bank. ¬†That’s okay because I have money that’s not in the bank; yes, I’m one of these people. ¬†But really how did I spend over $2,000? ¬†Anyways, now this weekend I got to go home to put money in the bank so I can pay my credit card and I was trying not to go home this weekend because I feel like I am drowning at school. ¬†Monday I see the therapist so maybe on the way to the therapist’s office; since I’ll be close to home. ¬†I got so overwhelmed with this financial stuff and how I am just not succeeding at life that I took one of my valium to just go to sleep and not deal with it for awhile, I set my alarm for 4pm. ¬†I had a support group at 5pm. ¬†My psychiatrist would be disappointed in me, maybe the therapist but not my case manager. ¬†I could of took all 4 valium (all I had) or them plus all my other pills (yes I considered it for a quick sec.) ¬†I could of told myself to time for rest like I have in the past and self harmed to have the energy to write the paper that’s due tonight and probably fake okay to the group I never ended up going to. ¬†The weather is super rainy stormy in California; what we need after our years of Drought but I’m not in the mood to get real clothes on and then rain clothes just to go out for 2 hours when I don’t really feel like socializing. ¬†I still didn’t manage crying- the tears are locked somewhere- within the resolute “I can do this, this is nothing” facade. ¬†I imagine I made right the choice, no mater what it was the choice I made, off to do homework.

Doing much better

30 Nov

Sine the increase of the Latuda I have been doing much better. ¬†I’m still feeling the increase effects, so mind slow and sleepy so I am overcompensating with caffeine (Red Bull and Starbucks) unfortunately the increase had to be made the week before finals, but hey what can you do. ¬†Probably in a week or two my body will just and I’ll no longer feel the mind slow or extra sleepiness and be able to lay off the extra caffeine, plus school will be out so not much will be going on anyways.

I’m worried about going back home for break. ¬†Less structure usually means worsening of depression symptoms. ¬†Being home means less experimenting with/exploring gender identity. ¬†But there is more people looking at me, so I doubt I can stay too inactive and let myself fall apart too much. ¬†I just don’t want to un-grow.

I haven’t needed the extra DBT skills since the Latuda increase, but have a feeling I’ll need them when I’m home on break. ¬†I’ll still have my apartment so maybe some time I will come here to get away. ¬†I hope to get off the extra Latuda by the end of January, but that may not be realistic- we’ll see once school starts up.

I attended a thing on different types of attraction yesterday that the LGBTQIA center put on yesterday for Asexual Awareness Day. ¬†I’m trying to figure out things and for now I’m thinking gay grey A and biromantic. ¬†I’m not sure how it will fit in with my gender identity and all that but for the most part I’m more attracted to women. ¬†And I still identify more as woman if you make me chose a binary, but gender variant under the trans* umbrella otherwise.