Quarter is winding down at college. I mentioned I signed up for 5 classes, which is a lot. I was sorta manic and 3 classes last quarter didn’t keep me busy enough. I’m not going to pass one, but I changed it from a graded class to a Pass-No Pass class. This is the first time I’ve never passed a class in my life. My identity and self-worth use to be so built around my intelligence I had a hard time once I started failing Greek, but I’ve sort of accepted it. I have all A’s and B’s in my other classes. I went to the NAMI Kick Off Luncheon Friday and they didn’t give me a star walker pin. You get a star walker pin for raising over $1,000; I raised over $2,000 last year. I actually had the courage to speak to one of the people in charge and they said they’s look into it. I should mark off assertiveness on my DBT Skills list.
All my in class finals are tomorrow and a large paper is due by 5pm. I should be working on it right now, but I’m not. I have a hard time working on things unless it’s crunch time or I’m with other people who are working on things too. I’ve taken 3 naps already today. My not taking my medication as prescribed is catching up with me. I haven’t been loading my pill chart, mostly out of laziness. So I’ve only been taking 1/2 of my mood stabilizers and 1/2 my PTSD meds and my sleep has been off at night; therefore I’m sleeping more during the day. Last night at 1am I took the extra meds I should normally take. I need to load my pill chart today.
Next quarter will only be 3 classes, it will be less stressful. Hopefully, busy enough to keep me motivated though. Next week is spring break, 20 somethings friend is coming! I’m so excited!
I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me. I’m having a hard time with my classes, for the first time in my life. I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable. And roundy round goes the pattern. I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now. I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.
I don’t fail, or do I?
Feeling down. Was feeling productive even good this morning. Then got two disappointing grades and my mood just plummeted. Actually thinking of dropping one of the classes. Emotional me wants to drop out entirely, well out of life- but you get the picture. My image for so long has been built on my academics, since I’m not able to work. It’s either that or my mental illness when it prevents me from school. Ugh.
Lots of stuff going on in my head lately. Not sure how much I can trust to the mental health professionals as I fear they will block my transitioning goals, which is sad. Means I have to deal and stress alone, which I know isn’t good for my health. The other day was Holocaust remembrance day and it was also the day our stupid president decided to ban refugees to enter our country. Many don’t know/forget that gays were targeted during the holocaust too. Yes, i know the president hasn’t done anything yet to target the gays. I was also thing about the Stonewall riots that were not that one ago and how the police arrested people who were wearing a piece of clothing of the opposite sex, this would be everyday. Will the US come to this again? So many things to stress about.
Sine the increase of the Latuda I have been doing much better. I’m still feeling the increase effects, so mind slow and sleepy so I am overcompensating with caffeine (Red Bull and Starbucks) unfortunately the increase had to be made the week before finals, but hey what can you do. Probably in a week or two my body will just and I’ll no longer feel the mind slow or extra sleepiness and be able to lay off the extra caffeine, plus school will be out so not much will be going on anyways.
I’m worried about going back home for break. Less structure usually means worsening of depression symptoms. Being home means less experimenting with/exploring gender identity. But there is more people looking at me, so I doubt I can stay too inactive and let myself fall apart too much. I just don’t want to un-grow.
I haven’t needed the extra DBT skills since the Latuda increase, but have a feeling I’ll need them when I’m home on break. I’ll still have my apartment so maybe some time I will come here to get away. I hope to get off the extra Latuda by the end of January, but that may not be realistic- we’ll see once school starts up.
I attended a thing on different types of attraction yesterday that the LGBTQIA center put on yesterday for Asexual Awareness Day. I’m trying to figure out things and for now I’m thinking gay grey A and biromantic. I’m not sure how it will fit in with my gender identity and all that but for the most part I’m more attracted to women. And I still identify more as woman if you make me chose a binary, but gender variant under the trans* umbrella otherwise.
Safety plans in place, and I guess I got my psychiatrist all worried. So I saw my case manager on Friday and told her legit what was going on, and also that I was NOT going to go to the hospital. I told her I told the therapist what was going on but not how bad it was, because she doesn’t know me as well and probably would’ve hospitalized me based on my symptoms. I wrote my psychiatrist a message earlier in the week about my symptoms and he talked to my case manager and the therapist and he’s all freaked out and made an appointment for me next Friday. My case manager was talking about how he was invested in me and worried, lol. I think he’s just frustrated we found some meds that finally worked and now they’re now working again. My sister is holding on to my extra pills, so I don’t have them at my apartment- I’ve been extra suicidal so that’s part of me trying to be safe. I also put a Trans crisis line in my cell phone. My case manager reminded me she’ll be off this week for thanksgiving, but to feel free and call for an emergency appointment the next week and she’ll get me in. Although I gave my sister the extra pills, I put in my chart some extra PRN of Latuda (my anti-psychotic) and Valium in case the voices get to bad and I need to calm down. Just 3 more weeks of school to get through. Then 5 weeks of vacation, and I don’t care if I have to go to the hospital then- I mean I prefer not to but it’s a hell of a lot better than missing finals. Hopefully during winter break the symptoms let up, or I can adjust.
It’s happening… I knew it would. I’ve been falling into slumps on Sunday but so far have been managing to pull myself out of them. This week it continued on Monday when I locked my keys in my apartment, was dismissed by my primary physician, and had 3 of my roommates go out to dinner w/o even saying anything to me. I went to bed disappointed and woke up fully depressed. I didn’t go to my first two classes today and just laid in bed and cried, no one notices here. No one to push me out like at home. I got up for the last one because she lectures so much and I just can’t miss that class. It’s good I went we talked about the topic I’m writing my paper on. It’s the 4th week, although I’ve been to many club and group meetings I’ve made no friends. Two of my roommates talk to me sometimes, but I need to make the effort and I think they just don’t want to be rude and ignore me. I like my classes and I’m busy with them and attending clubs but it’s like I thought, I haven’t made any friends. I miss 20 somethings friend and I’m thinking about asking him if it’s okay if I go down their for my birthday weekend- my family will be gone anyways. I spend time with them on the weekend or at planner events. Hopefully this is just an off couple of days
Today is World Mental Health Day. If you had told me a few years ago that I would be moved out from my parents house, going to a 4 year university and hadn’t been in the hospital for almost 2 years I would have thought you had to be kidding me. I am amazed at the progress I have made in the last two years. With four official diagnoses, 8 prescription medications, and a few appointments a month I’ve managed to stay stable for the first time in 10 years. My counseling appointments are decreasing from every week to every two weeks or sometimes three. I have few self harming urges and while the suicidal thoughts still come and go; I don’t have the urge to act on them like I use to and tend not to ruminate. I used to think that I would be trapped in my lower state of functioning for the rest of my life, I hung on mostly for other people and out of guilt. Now (most times) I actually look forward to the future. I anticipate flare ups and relapses, I know I have acute chronic illnesses. But I am enjoying the moment and success I have right now.