I’m overwhelmed. I did it to myself and I’m not surprised, but I also think I can stick it out and enjoy it while not stressing out what everyone else thinks. Along with that I ran into some unexpected financial issues because I just realized I spent all my checking account that’s in the bank. That’s okay because I have money that’s not in the bank; yes, I’m one of these people. But really how did I spend over $2,000? Anyways, now this weekend I got to go home to put money in the bank so I can pay my credit card and I was trying not to go home this weekend because I feel like I am drowning at school. Monday I see the therapist so maybe on the way to the therapist’s office; since I’ll be close to home. I got so overwhelmed with this financial stuff and how I am just not succeeding at life that I took one of my valium to just go to sleep and not deal with it for awhile, I set my alarm for 4pm. I had a support group at 5pm. My psychiatrist would be disappointed in me, maybe the therapist but not my case manager. I could of took all 4 valium (all I had) or them plus all my other pills (yes I considered it for a quick sec.) I could of told myself to time for rest like I have in the past and self harmed to have the energy to write the paper that’s due tonight and probably fake okay to the group I never ended up going to. The weather is super rainy stormy in California; what we need after our years of Drought but I’m not in the mood to get real clothes on and then rain clothes just to go out for 2 hours when I don’t really feel like socializing. I still didn’t manage crying- the tears are locked somewhere- within the resolute “I can do this, this is nothing” facade. I imagine I made right the choice, no mater what it was the choice I made, off to do homework.
Just got off the phone from my psychiatrist and it’s just what I needed. I had no intent to go to classes today. I couldn’t sleep again last night with the voices and the paranoia and when the thoughts started to turn to sleeping under the bed to hide “just in case” I got out of bed and took some extra PRN Latuda and Valium. This helped me get to sleep, but unfortunately I woke up with nightmares that Trump had declared war and drafted all the men to go to war. When I got up to go to class I managed to take a shower. I really needed one, since Monday I just wore a snow hat and pajamas to school. However, that put me over the edge and once dressed for school I became fearful and crawled back into bed. I set my alarm for my 2nd class but near time to attend, turned it off and resent it for a trans clothing fair I hope to go to. My psychiatrist called and we are upping my antipsychotic Latuda by 1/2 which is what I have PRNing on a regular basis until I feel less vulnerable and more confident in DBT skills. He wants me to not associate taking a pill with the behavior which is fine, as long as I have some medical relief. I will also be using my coping skills I use- mostly DBT to deal with what voices, paranoia, and distress break through. And yes some always break through. Medication is no cure. During thanksgiving break I’ll go through my packets and go over some skills. My psychiatrist wasn’t me to set up a phone session with the therapist to go over how DBT skills are working with this stuff. So far I have the music skills I’ve been using and rationalizing. It’s been 2 years without voices so I need to re-look through my skills.
Honestly, I’m surprised it waited until now. It’ll less than a month till I’ll be moving out and officially starting UC Davis in the Fall Quarter which means that it is also less than a month until 20 something’s friend will be moving to San Diego. It’s starting to feel real, I’m starting to get sad, and I’m beginning to get overwhelmed. It started about a week and a half ago when he went there for a week long program at UCSD. One of the first days I just kinda lost it, and in front of my mom of all people. And for some reason I was seeking sympathy from her, talking about barking up the wrong tree and I should know better. I guess I was desperate. I tried my DBT skills all week. I FB messaged him a couple times but he was so busy with workshops and not and I didn’t want to be that person. After he got back I got a sweet postcard, I wish I had gotten it while he was gone, but since I was wrapped up in emotion mind a couple times I’m not sure it would have helped. I tried making plans with other friends, but my other blogger friends with BPD probably know how it is they are not 20 somethings friend; and it isn’t the same. It won’t be the same. It’s not the end of the world. But I’m losing my best friend. I have trouble making friends because of all my other issues and there won’t be anyone else in the world like him.
Examples from mine:
Activities: Smash book, Blogging, Candy crush, Play with Gibson, Homework, shopping.
Contributions: Making cards, My sister’s awesome book
Choices: Blogging, not ruminating, getting out of the house, texting 20 somethings friend, put it aside until appointment with case manager.
Positive Emotions: Half smiles, Venting/relief, contentment, pride
Push Away: Visualize with putting stuff in box and setting aside.
Thoughts: Song Lyrics
Sensations: Bath, candles, massage, having ice cream, baking
Contribute to something; do volunteer work, give something to someone else, make something nice for someone, do a surprising, thoughtful thing.
I make homemade cards for people and usually have some thoughtful project going on for someone else.