I went to gender group tonight and we were talking about the term trans* specifically with the asterisk and what people thought of it and whether it was inclusive or outdated or whatnot. Most everyone didn’t like it. I don’t really care one way or the other, but was surprised to see people had such strong opinions about it. I think it’s important to have a name for our community that doesn’t just include transgender men and transgender women, but also non-binary people, gender non-condorming people, gender queer, agender, gender variant, and all other people under the trans umbrella. I guess it is outdated, but there isn’t really anything else and I identify as gender variant and that’s not really well knows so I just say under the trans umbrella and then I have to explain what that means.
So I went to gender group tonight on Campus and as I was walking to my car, there was a bicyclist that was riding on the sidewalk. I don’t know maybe they were trying to park their bike, I will give them the benefit of the doubt. So I was trying to cross the sidewalk to get through another walking path when the bicyclist was like “Excuse me, Sir” and we managed not to crash into each other. Which was nice, I’ve already been hit on campus by a bicyclist before. Anyways, Not even wearing my binder or anything. Just normal clothes and my baseball hat and my glasses. But what I noticed it both times I’ve been male gendered I’ve had my glasses on, so maybe I should wear my glasses more frequently.
Quarter is winding down at college. I mentioned I signed up for 5 classes, which is a lot. I was sorta manic and 3 classes last quarter didn’t keep me busy enough. I’m not going to pass one, but I changed it from a graded class to a Pass-No Pass class. This is the first time I’ve never passed a class in my life. My identity and self-worth use to be so built around my intelligence I had a hard time once I started failing Greek, but I’ve sort of accepted it. I have all A’s and B’s in my other classes. I went to the NAMI Kick Off Luncheon Friday and they didn’t give me a star walker pin. You get a star walker pin for raising over $1,000; I raised over $2,000 last year. I actually had the courage to speak to one of the people in charge and they said they’s look into it. I should mark off assertiveness on my DBT Skills list.
All my in class finals are tomorrow and a large paper is due by 5pm. I should be working on it right now, but I’m not. I have a hard time working on things unless it’s crunch time or I’m with other people who are working on things too. I’ve taken 3 naps already today. My not taking my medication as prescribed is catching up with me. I haven’t been loading my pill chart, mostly out of laziness. So I’ve only been taking 1/2 of my mood stabilizers and 1/2 my PTSD meds and my sleep has been off at night; therefore I’m sleeping more during the day. Last night at 1am I took the extra meds I should normally take. I need to load my pill chart today.
Next quarter will only be 3 classes, it will be less stressful. Hopefully, busy enough to keep me motivated though. Next week is spring break, 20 somethings friend is coming! I’m so excited!
It’s been one of those days, one of those weeks. Where I’m frustrated that I don’t have an ASD diagnosis because I didn’t fit the criteria as a kid. It’s been fucking with my functioning this week. I’ve messed up a few social cues. And I’m curious. I have some Aspergers followers out there or people on the Spectrum that “cope” and appear normal enough. I don’t mean this to come off rude, I know they took aspergers out of the DSM5 thats why I want to cover aspergers and the spectrum but I’m mostly referring to more of the higher functioning people who for lack of a better word pass as normal most time.
That’s me. And I know the goal after you get an ASD diagnosis is therapy to help cope with daily living and be able to live productively, get social skills, don’t have meltdowns, learn to deal with sensory issues, etc. etc. I just don’t understand that if I was forced to do this as a kid because of a chaotic home environment how I can’t have the diagnosis. I essentially learned most the skills they try to teach out of necessity. Now on my own, I’ve regressed a bit plus I’m managing a bunch of other shit so honestly I don’t have the energy for all that normative passing stuff. But I’m still upset that the doctor won’t give me the diagnosis because as a child I didn’t meet the criteria till i was 11 or so.
I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me. I’m having a hard time with my classes, for the first time in my life. I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable. And roundy round goes the pattern. I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now. I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.
I don’t fail, or do I?
Feeling down. Was feeling productive even good this morning. Then got two disappointing grades and my mood just plummeted. Actually thinking of dropping one of the classes. Emotional me wants to drop out entirely, well out of life- but you get the picture. My image for so long has been built on my academics, since I’m not able to work. It’s either that or my mental illness when it prevents me from school. Ugh.
Lots of stuff going on in my head lately. Not sure how much I can trust to the mental health professionals as I fear they will block my transitioning goals, which is sad. Means I have to deal and stress alone, which I know isn’t good for my health. The other day was Holocaust remembrance day and it was also the day our stupid president decided to ban refugees to enter our country. Many don’t know/forget that gays were targeted during the holocaust too. Yes, i know the president hasn’t done anything yet to target the gays. I was also thing about the Stonewall riots that were not that one ago and how the police arrested people who were wearing a piece of clothing of the opposite sex, this would be everyday. Will the US come to this again? So many things to stress about.