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A step in the right direction

23 May

Today I went to class and took my midterm, don’t ask how I did.  I’m not sure and at this point in time I barely remember taking it.  Today’s been floaty and far away but I’ve managed to stay out of bed.  I socialized some with the roommates.  I also made dinner and ate some, lasagna.  It’s small steps.


22 May

So I’ve been dissociating a lot I know this. The reasons have been various but there are 3 major: ptsd flashback symptoms, self harm urges, strong suicidal ideation. I can’t or choose not to cope with these three things so I go into an auto pilot mode that doesn’t take very good care of me and when switching back and forth between things there’s been memory issues. There is so much fogginess and such that I can’t remember things like where I parked my car, what time/day it is, if I ate, if I took my meds. I’m not able to concentrate well, I’m apathetic and don’t seem to care much about what’s going on. Unless I get to close to the issues, then I panic and dissociate.

The reason I’m dissociating with the PTSD. Well there is the whole fact that it is/was sexual assault and that’s enough to trigger ptsd anyways. But in addition it was my first time having sex. And I was having forced sex with a guy when I had no sexual feelings for guys so it made it that much worse.

The reason I’m dissociating with the self harm urges and severe suicidal ideation. I’m afraid of what I’ll do. I feel out of control for the first time in awhile. I think part of it is along with the lack of control with sex in the PTSD. But if I check out and dissociate the feelings go away and urges go away too, plus I feel like nothing serious will happen while I’m dissociated. She’s just kind of passive and there.

What have I become

21 May

I’m going to fail a class for the first time in my life this quarter. Earlier this afternoon when I realized it I was in that not care mood I’ve been in and out of for weeks. I’ve already made adjustments to my school schedule for the next two sessions since two classes counted on me passing this.

Now I feel overwhelmed. Sad. A failure. Like the worlds falling apart which it does a lot internally but usually I can pretend to the world that everything’s okay. Not now. Not this. I’m either not good enough or current circumstances are causing me not to be able to write adequate Spanish literary critiques about swans.

Either way the consequences feel devastating. I’m trying to stay coping alive. I took some NyQuil. I’ll be okay after the shock wears off I assume or at least that’s what people will try to tell me.

Breaking the cycle?

20 May

Yesterday was good.  I hope it wasn’t just a blip and things have turned around I went to see P!NK in Oakland with lil sis.  I was suppose to go with my sister but she is pregnant.  I’m not sure if I mentioned she is pregnant but instead of going to the concert she found out she is having another boy. 🙂  I would rather go to the concert it was awesome.  Lil sis was only a little annoying.

I haven’t done much today.  I have a meet up on Grindr I’m a little afraid of that putting me back into PTSD mode but like I said I’m sick of this back forth and just avoiding games.  I do need to get my homework done beforehand though.  I also need to get my planner out to see what needs to be done.

Next post will have a video from P!NK concert.

Another not good day

18 May

I woke up at 8am to my phone ringing from the psych department I knew they were calling either to cancel my appt with my case manager or to push it back, most likely to cancel since they were calling so early- I let it go to voicemail.  About an hour later I listen to the message, yep appointment cancelled.  I’d been holding on for that appointment.  I didn’t go to school today, either class.  Even though I have a midterm Wednesday.  I thought about canceling on my planner meet up tonight.  I had convinced myself that they didn’t really want me there and that one friend had just got me invited because someone else couldn’t go.  I finally forced myself out of bed, took my meds ate some cereal and got my planner stuff ready.  On my way to my home town I got into a car accident.  It was my fault, no one was hurt but the guy had to have the police called to make a police report.  I had to wait 20 mins for it.  There was another school shooting today, I had to stay off the internet, so far the voices have been quiet- that’s good.  I feel so overwhelmed already.  I’m not sure how much more I can take.  Honestly.  I have an appointment with the therapist on Monday but I was thinking about not going.  She doesn’t understand me.  She will also blow things out of proportion and if I see her my case manager will probably put off seeing me since I already saw “somebody.”  Also I don’t want her to go off what she read it my last visits notes.  This was before the accident.  Now I feel like I need something.  Anything.  And I might even just put up with her.  I hope she just doesn’t frustrate me more.  We’ll see if I change my mind again between now and Monday.

When it’s your normal

17 May

So I found myself explaining body memories of PTSD last night.  And while I am somewhat use to them, it’s been about 6 years since the intense ones and I know why they happen and I separate the visual/emotional flashbacks with the body one’s so it’s not bad.  But I’m aware and it’s my “normal” I for the most part know what causes them, can stay away from them and have skills to cope with them.  I also have skills to cope with the other aspects of PTSD some better some worse and some I don’t know as well because I don’t understand them and they are triggered out of the blue it seems and I can’t connect or prevent it necessarily.  But anyways, I find people react like oh “that sounds scary,” “you’re so brave” “how do you handle that” etc. not just with PTSD but a lot of mental illness and for the most part I’m like this is my normal, it’s what I’m used to, it happens a lot.

Protected: PTSD and everything

20 Apr

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Since I’m Avoiding Homework

2 Nov

25 Get to Know Me Questionss

1. What is your middle name?:

New one to be: James

2. What was your favorite subject at school?

Math- pre college.  Languages-college

3. What is your favorite drink?:

Pumpkin Spice Latte or Red Bull

4. What is your favorite song at the moment?

what about us by pink

5. What is your favorite food?: 

Anything sweet

6. What is the last thing you bought?

minimal groceries

7. Favorite book of all time?

hitchhikers guide to the galaxy

8. Favorite Color?:


9. Do you have any pets?:


10. Favorite Perfume?

None.  Have SPD, smells really bother me

11. Favorite Holiday?:

Halloween, then daylight savings time ending 😉

12. Are you married?


13. Have you ever been out of the country, if so how many times?:

Mexico, Canada, Australia, Caymen Islands

14. Do you speak any other language?

Spanish, Italian, American Sign Language, French, and a little bit of Ancient Greek

15. How many siblings do you have?:

Two sisters

16. What is your favorite shop?


17. Favorite restaurant?

Thai Chili

18. When was the last time you cried?

About a week ago

19. Favorite Blog?:

I have a few

20. Favorite Movie?

Drop Dead Fred and Lilo and Stitch

21. Favorite TV shows?


22. PC or Mac?:


23. What phone do you have?

I have an iphone six

24. How tall are you?

5′ 6″

25. Can you cook?



At different rates

18 Oct

I feel like some people I know come out as transgender and then transition so fast: get on hormones, legally change their name and gender, it’s just so fast.  With me it’s been a year already and I’m not even on testosterone yet.  I will be in less than month probably but I feel left behind or maybe not as legitimate.  I’m also not ready to legally change my name and gender, my whole family doesn’t even know I go by a different name yet.  I don’t correct people who call me by my birth name that knew me before.  It makes me second guess if this is all real.  But on the other hand I know it’s real because the dysphoria is getting more intense and while I don’t push my name and gender on people it makes me happy when people get it right, even if it’s sort of wrong.  Like in class the other day, a classmate gave me a paper with the wrong name on it, but it was a male name.  It’s just kinda frustrating transitioning at an older age, getting your BA at an older age, moving out from your parents at an older age.  I feel like I’m behind on everything but I just got to remember we all do things at different rates.

MIAW 2017

1 Oct

Today’s the first day of Mental Illness Awareness Week.  I posted a quick thing on one of my FB pages and should probably on my older more popular one, but we’ll see.  It was the juvenile diabetes walk today so I saw high school friend and that crowd.  I was talking with one friend out of that crowd about what specifically schizoaffective disorder is and what makes is different from schizophrenia and what makes it different from mood disorders.  She also asked me how I was doing since I transferred to the university and I was honest about the couple of psychotic episodes, but not enough to get hospitalized we just managed with increasing medication.  It’s refreshing being able to be so open now and not feeling like I have to hide what is such a big part of my life.

And then at ice cream later with some planner friends, I mentioned being exempt from jury duty for life.  I wasn’t as comfortable as saying my psychiatrist wrote the note, but that a note had written every year since I was eligible and he keeps writing me out and now exerted me for life.