Archive | 10:06 PM

Here, There, No Where?

10 Jul

It’s hard to tell where I am.  During the day I feel a blank, apathetic eerie feeling.  I guess I’m just going through the motions.  I appear to be coping fine and if you ask me I will reassure you everything will be okay.  Then night hits and I fall apart.  I don’t know exactly how to explain this either except it is also apathetic but more in a give up sort of way and extremely overwhelmed and often anxious.  Now I feel like I can’t do anything and more so I probably won’t bother and that doesn’t matter.  I mean it does on some level, because I will be letting so many people down but to me, it doesn’t really matter.

The PTSD stuff seems to be on the back burner as I am more in autopilot.  I see that shifting soon.  I don’t want to live in a bubble, but I also don’t want to live triggered and struggling.  Decisions.

My case manger is going on vacation in a week for 3 weeks, it’s not a long time considering we were at appointments every two weeks.  But since I haven’t seen her for a long time because of Partial and vacations and because I’m not doing well, I’m bummed.