The best decision is sometimes the hardest

30 May

I will most likely be going into the hospital next Wednesday.  I say most likely because I always try to talk myself out of it, but it’s been a month and I just can’t handle this anymore.  I can function top 1-3 days and then I just fall apart again, and it’s either surface/auto-pilot dissociation or straight staying in bed all day and doing nothing.  I wonder if the PTSD has been mixed with some Depression now.  It’s been at least 2 weeks since I’ve been off one of my anti-depressants, plus a lot of environmental stress going on too.

I’m not sure what the hospital will do.  Or even what I am looking for.  I know I am having a lower and lower thresh hold for whatever is bothering me and rather than self harming, dealing with flashbacks, or getting suicidal; I’ve been dissociating or self medicating.  I’ve stopped attending classes and as of today stopped doing classwork.  I guess I plan on doing a medical withdraw/incomplete.  I feel like a failure that I can’t handle this.  I wonder the repercussions on letting me go forward with hormones and if the university will still let me double major.  I guess at some point it doesn’t matter anymore and I am almost to that point.  It wouldn’t surprise me if I was there or beyond by Wednesday.

People may think this is weak, but really getting help will make things better in the long run.  If I try to power through it, which is what I have been doing, it’s just going to get worse.  I’ll do more damage that will take even longer to undo- I’ve been there.

It’s time to set your pride aside and do what you need to do.

3 Responses to “The best decision is sometimes the hardest”

  1. Kimber Johnson May 30, 2018 at 9:42 PM #

    Everyone needs a tune up now and then.
    I feel like letting go of the double major might reduce some of the stress your under.

  2. lavenderandlevity May 31, 2018 at 4:34 AM #

    Hugs. There is no shame in getting a little extra help when you need it.

  3. manyofus1980 June 15, 2018 at 8:47 PM #

    you are doing the right thing! if you need help then you just do. no shame in that. xoxo

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