Backward?

15 May

I’m dissociating and having a hard time telling whether things happened or not, it’s not PTSD related.  That has passed.  I had a very hard time sleeping yesterday and that may be part of it.  I feel on the edge, but I don’t want to admit it because I fear they will take me too seriously.  I usually work through these things all on my own and when out of the woods, go btw I was suicidal or I went through xyz crisis or whatever but I’m fine now.  My case manager is catching on, instead of booking 2 weeks out she booked out 10 days.  I can self care but have little resource to handle the bumps and just regularities of life.  Last night I thought I was going to self harm, but I didn’t.  I’m glad I didn’t because they might put me in the hospital and I don’t need that right now.  It wouldn’t have been worth it.  Then I was suicidal and there honestly wasn’t any good reason, like there needs to be a good reason.  If you know how my brain works and the chronic suicidal thoughts with BPD and depression.  But this morning, all last night was a blur.  What seemed hours I can barely remember what happened or not.  There seems to be a superficial coating that quickly scratches away with any provocation on my life.  Right now I’m just going with it.  I’m reaching out a little more to 20 somethings friend, he knew about the PTSD stuff.  Not sure about letting my case manager in on whats going on, or the people I’m volunteering with at NAMI.  It’s not like I haven’t had a lifetime of handling things like this, balancing acts, explanations to be made if it comes down to it, or just how it is now the freaky ominous premonition of the future repeating itself.

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