Archive | May, 2018

The best decision is sometimes the hardest

30 May

I will most likely be going into the hospital next Wednesday.  I say most likely because I always try to talk myself out of it, but it’s been a month and I just can’t handle this anymore.  I can function top 1-3 days and then I just fall apart again, and it’s either surface/auto-pilot dissociation or straight staying in bed all day and doing nothing.  I wonder if the PTSD has been mixed with some Depression now.  It’s been at least 2 weeks since I’ve been off one of my anti-depressants, plus a lot of environmental stress going on too.

I’m not sure what the hospital will do.  Or even what I am looking for.  I know I am having a lower and lower thresh hold for whatever is bothering me and rather than self harming, dealing with flashbacks, or getting suicidal; I’ve been dissociating or self medicating.  I’ve stopped attending classes and as of today stopped doing classwork.  I guess I plan on doing a medical withdraw/incomplete.  I feel like a failure that I can’t handle this.  I wonder the repercussions on letting me go forward with hormones and if the university will still let me double major.  I guess at some point it doesn’t matter anymore and I am almost to that point.  It wouldn’t surprise me if I was there or beyond by Wednesday.

People may think this is weak, but really getting help will make things better in the long run.  If I try to power through it, which is what I have been doing, it’s just going to get worse.  I’ll do more damage that will take even longer to undo- I’ve been there.

It’s time to set your pride aside and do what you need to do.

29 May

I’m starting to slip a lot.  Often it’s up to me to make a decision of whether to take the energy to try to stop myself from completely going down the rabbit hole which takes so much energy or just give up and surrender.  Obviously, when other people are around I try to fight it.  But when it’s just me I’ve lost more and more the desire to fight it and the energy too.  Tonight I didn’t get out of bed till 9pm and take my morning meds.  i’m writing this blog and re-putting in credit card info so I can get meds I’m out of and then I’ll probably go back to my laying down/giving up state.  Depression?  Apathy? Something extending off the PTSD, I’m not sure.  But I’m sick of fighting.   And if it wasn’t so inconvenient to kill myself, well.

A step in the right direction

23 May

Today I went to class and took my midterm, don’t ask how I did.  I’m not sure and at this point in time I barely remember taking it.  Today’s been floaty and far away but I’ve managed to stay out of bed.  I socialized some with the roommates.  I also made dinner and ate some, lasagna.  It’s small steps.


22 May

So I’ve been dissociating a lot I know this. The reasons have been various but there are 3 major: ptsd flashback symptoms, self harm urges, strong suicidal ideation. I can’t or choose not to cope with these three things so I go into an auto pilot mode that doesn’t take very good care of me and when switching back and forth between things there’s been memory issues. There is so much fogginess and such that I can’t remember things like where I parked my car, what time/day it is, if I ate, if I took my meds. I’m not able to concentrate well, I’m apathetic and don’t seem to care much about what’s going on. Unless I get to close to the issues, then I panic and dissociate.

The reason I’m dissociating with the PTSD. Well there is the whole fact that it is/was sexual assault and that’s enough to trigger ptsd anyways. But in addition it was my first time having sex. And I was having forced sex with a guy when I had no sexual feelings for guys so it made it that much worse.

The reason I’m dissociating with the self harm urges and severe suicidal ideation. I’m afraid of what I’ll do. I feel out of control for the first time in awhile. I think part of it is along with the lack of control with sex in the PTSD. But if I check out and dissociate the feelings go away and urges go away too, plus I feel like nothing serious will happen while I’m dissociated. She’s just kind of passive and there.

Pink Video

22 May

Here is the video I promised. Sorry been caught in a mess again. Will blog about it later tonight. Enjoy this performance near the end of the conference.

What have I become

21 May

I’m going to fail a class for the first time in my life this quarter. Earlier this afternoon when I realized it I was in that not care mood I’ve been in and out of for weeks. I’ve already made adjustments to my school schedule for the next two sessions since two classes counted on me passing this.

Now I feel overwhelmed. Sad. A failure. Like the worlds falling apart which it does a lot internally but usually I can pretend to the world that everything’s okay. Not now. Not this. I’m either not good enough or current circumstances are causing me not to be able to write adequate Spanish literary critiques about swans.

Either way the consequences feel devastating. I’m trying to stay coping alive. I took some NyQuil. I’ll be okay after the shock wears off I assume or at least that’s what people will try to tell me.

Breaking the cycle?

20 May

Yesterday was good.  I hope it wasn’t just a blip and things have turned around I went to see P!NK in Oakland with lil sis.  I was suppose to go with my sister but she is pregnant.  I’m not sure if I mentioned she is pregnant but instead of going to the concert she found out she is having another boy. 🙂  I would rather go to the concert it was awesome.  Lil sis was only a little annoying.

I haven’t done much today.  I have a meet up on Grindr I’m a little afraid of that putting me back into PTSD mode but like I said I’m sick of this back forth and just avoiding games.  I do need to get my homework done beforehand though.  I also need to get my planner out to see what needs to be done.

Next post will have a video from P!NK concert.

Another not good day

18 May

I woke up at 8am to my phone ringing from the psych department I knew they were calling either to cancel my appt with my case manager or to push it back, most likely to cancel since they were calling so early- I let it go to voicemail.  About an hour later I listen to the message, yep appointment cancelled.  I’d been holding on for that appointment.  I didn’t go to school today, either class.  Even though I have a midterm Wednesday.  I thought about canceling on my planner meet up tonight.  I had convinced myself that they didn’t really want me there and that one friend had just got me invited because someone else couldn’t go.  I finally forced myself out of bed, took my meds ate some cereal and got my planner stuff ready.  On my way to my home town I got into a car accident.  It was my fault, no one was hurt but the guy had to have the police called to make a police report.  I had to wait 20 mins for it.  There was another school shooting today, I had to stay off the internet, so far the voices have been quiet- that’s good.  I feel so overwhelmed already.  I’m not sure how much more I can take.  Honestly.  I have an appointment with the therapist on Monday but I was thinking about not going.  She doesn’t understand me.  She will also blow things out of proportion and if I see her my case manager will probably put off seeing me since I already saw “somebody.”  Also I don’t want her to go off what she read it my last visits notes.  This was before the accident.  Now I feel like I need something.  Anything.  And I might even just put up with her.  I hope she just doesn’t frustrate me more.  We’ll see if I change my mind again between now and Monday.

When it’s your normal

17 May

So I found myself explaining body memories of PTSD last night.  And while I am somewhat use to them, it’s been about 6 years since the intense ones and I know why they happen and I separate the visual/emotional flashbacks with the body one’s so it’s not bad.  But I’m aware and it’s my “normal” I for the most part know what causes them, can stay away from them and have skills to cope with them.  I also have skills to cope with the other aspects of PTSD some better some worse and some I don’t know as well because I don’t understand them and they are triggered out of the blue it seems and I can’t connect or prevent it necessarily.  But anyways, I find people react like oh “that sounds scary,” “you’re so brave” “how do you handle that” etc. not just with PTSD but a lot of mental illness and for the most part I’m like this is my normal, it’s what I’m used to, it happens a lot.

16 May

I was up till 1 or 2am last night with sleep no where in sight so I took some NyQuil.  That put doing some practice essays this morning before retaking Ensayo #2 unlikely.  I managed to wake up and eat some yogurt that didn’t like my sensory issues and take my medicine, and lay back down.  I’d wordrefrence it’s like google translate but better results some words for my essay in between my class today and the essay re-write, I had 30 minutes.  I went to class only to find out my registration for Fall Quarter was Monday, now I have to wait for open hours tonight after 8pm to register for my classes.  It’s only been two days so I’m sure the classes won’t be full but an inconvenience.  Two of the classes weren’t offered though the Spanish head of the department spelled out the year for me; luckily their electives so I subbed a different two in.  If I fail this Spanish essay class, there is just one class I can’t take in the fall and who knows maybe I can repeat this class in summer?.  But three in Fall might be a nice break.  I’m exploring sex more and I just know my case manager is going to think this has to do with my functioning but I think it is just co-occuring beside it.  Even if it is and I’m oblivious or in denial, I am not just going to avoid it forever for the fear that something like this will and is happening.  I need to eat again, but I’m not feeling it maybe I can go out but I don’t like going out by myself either and it’s just one roommate to go with and what I feel like she doesn’t like.  Making food is work, i’ll find something I don’t wan’t to be all out of it again.