Feeling self destructive

I’m finally feeling better at least out of the failure loop and not spending most of the day isolating, in bed, or dealing with intense emotions.  Of course now I feel like doing things that have the potential to get me back to how I was or worse.  Part of it is that I don’t feel like I deserve to be doing well.  Part of it is I am sick of dealing with this aspect of my life by just “not dealing with it.”  I know it’s the worst time of any to try, but I’m frustrated and at this point don’t care and think I deserve whatever problems come to me.  I guess I should try to stay away from making decisions right now.  We’ll see.