Archive | April, 2018

Lots of NAMI

28 Apr

Today I went to a training all day called MH101 it’s to be a presenter for specific minority communities , time being the LGBTQIA community.  It was 8 hours long and I have to go back tomorrow for another 4 hours.  The training is good and I’ve told me story informally many times, so it’s interesting how they want you to compact it and sprinkle it with facts and such.  I do like the layout, so that’s good.  I’m just really tired.  Last night was t-shirt decorating night for my NAMI Walks team it was in the college town I live in now.  There were 8 people including me.  Tonight is another team t-shirt decorating night but in the town I use to live in where I’ve built my team for the last 5 years.  There should be 6 people.  My team is about 35 counting all kids and animals, but of course not everyone can come to t-shirt decorating night and personalize their shirt.

I need to find all my training manuals and certificates for mental health related stuff.  Most of it’s here.  Be more organized, especially as I am getting more and more involved and some programs are pre-reqs of other programs.

I’m busy and tired all the time but I feel like I’m using all the stuff I’ve been through for good.  It’s finally worth something.

Chum Blogging Award/Letter to someone Important

22 Apr

Carol Anne has nominated me for the Blogging Chums Award!
Thanks, Carol Anne!

The Blogging Chums Award is given to particularly brilliant bloggers who are really providing something special to the community, either through their writing or the way they engage with other people: they’re just brilliant! The award was created by Robert at The Non-Alcoholic Student.

Here are the rules:

  • Be sure to use the award image!
  • List the rules & the about paragraph!
  • Thank whoever nominated you!
  • Write a letter to someone who means a lot to you to spread some positivity around the internet – anyone will do!
  • Nominate 5-10 more people for the award and let them know about their nomination in their comments screen.

Anyone who knows me knows I don’t let a lot of people into my life.  You need to be special.  You need to be able to hold on for the ride and trust me it’s going to be a crazy ride and of those few that get let in there are even fewer that I’ve learned to trust and love, those that support me in almost everything I do.   Those who are there for me when things/I get crazy.  People who know the past, the inside workings, and all that other shit and still love me.  This letter is to those few people.

I haven’t done awards in a real long time, so I’m not going to “nominate” anyone but if you read this and feel like writing a short letter to someone who has made a difference if your life.  Feel free 🙂

Somewhere in between

22 Apr

Right now I feel somewhere in between.  I’m not even sure what I’m even between though.  But I don’t feel high and I don’t feel low.  I’m not hyper focused or super distracted.  The voices aren’t here but my head doesn’t quite feel clear.   It’s just the in between.

Today was a good day. I hung out with one of my roommates, the pseudo-roommate, and my roommates new friend.  We went to big annual event hosted my the university every year.  We waited in line for 2 hours to pet some kittens and cats, but it was okay cuz we had fun in line playing games.  We also watched the parade.  Then we all went home and I took a 3 1/2 hour nap.  We were going to go back to the event but it ended up with us playing a drinking game and then a different game until about a half hour ago.

I’m glad I got to spend some time with my roommate because since they’ve been fighting, she has been the one avoiding the other roommate it seems and rarely home or just in her room.  I don’t feel right invading her space (room) but I also am not taking sides and think this whole thing is stupid.  So I mostly see her on short car rides home from school. It was nice to spend a whole day not worrying about the two of them.

Protected: PTSD and everything

20 Apr

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Lost during the good old days (song lyrics)

15 Apr

I am not quite sure when the “good old days” were or if there were any.  Maybe in my late- late 20’s and early 30’s but I was still in a depression and I don’t remember that clearly what was going on.  I couldn’t enjoy it, because I couldn’t enjoy anything.  Looking back I see I had a lot of people that cared about me and a lot of friends.  I knew to some degree, but was lost with the cloud of depression around me.  I wonder if those “good old days” are gone for good, or if I’ll have a good sized close circle of friends again.  I know the older you get the harder it is.

 

I wish somebody would have told me, babe
Someday, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days

I was thinkin’ ’bout the band
I was thinkin’ ’bout the fans
We were underground
Loadin’ merch in that 12-passenger van
In a small club in Minnesota
And the snow outside of 1st Ave
I just wanted my name in a star
Now look at where we at
Still growin’ up, still growin’ up
I would lay in my bed and dream about what I’d become
Couldn’t wait to get older, couldn’t wait to be some
Now that I’m here, wishing I was still young
Those good old days

I wish somebody would have told me, babe
That someday, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days

Wish I didn’t think I had the answers
Wish I didn’t drink all of that flask first
Wish I made it to homecoming
Got up the courage to ask her
Wish I would’ve gotten out of my shell
Wish I put the bottle back on that shelf
Wish I wouldn’t have worry about what other people thought
And felt comfortable in myself
Rooftop open, and the stars above
Moment frozen, sneakin’ out, and fallin’ in love
Me, you and that futon, we’d just begun
On the grass dreamin’, figuring out who I was
Those good old days

I wish somebody would have told me, babe
That someday, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
‘Cause someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of the good old days

Never thought we’d get old, maybe we’re still young
Maybe you always look back and think it was better than it was
Maybe these are the moments
Maybe I’ve been missin’ what it’s about
Been scared of the future, thinkin’ about the past
While missin’ out on now
We’ve come so far, I guess I’m proud
And I ain’t worried ’bout the wrinkles ’round my smile
I’ve got some scars, I’ve been around
I’ve felt some pain, I’ve seen some things, but I’m here now
Those good old days

You don’t know what you’ve got
‘Til it goes, ’til it’s gone
You don’t know what you’ve got
‘Til it goes, ’til it’s gone

I wish somebody would have told me, babe
Someday, these will be the good old days
All the love you won’t forget
And all these reckless nights you won’t regret
Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change
You’ll miss the magic of these good old days

Inconsistency in blogging

13 Apr

When I first started blogging 8 years ago, I blogged here and there and then throughout the years there were times where I blogged every day; sometimes multiple times a day.  Right now I often don’t blog when I’m having a good day.  But here are some updates.  I’m in my “4th year” at the university I go to as a transfer student.  So a Senior but will be staying 2 extra quarters to get my double major in Spanish, before it was just Linguistics.  I’m taking 4 classes this quarter, am an officer for 2 clubs, volunteer regularly for a few events that are weekly/monthly, and am working on getting a NAMI Connection support group going on campus.

I seem to be able to bounce back from symptoms relatively quickly for the most part.  And even when it takes me awhile, it is with things that would normally have a huge impact and destroy life events/decisions.  When I look how far I’ve come it amazes me.  But then I feel like I don’t want to say that, because I don’t want to jinx things.

I still have symptoms but it’s manageable.  Today in class the room looked like it was rocking back and forth and I was getting dizzy.  Uncomfortable but I can deal with that, after a little bit it went away.  Focusing and grounding helps.

Repeatedly finding myself in bed

8 Apr

I’m repeatedly finding myself in bed again. It’s not so much that I’m depressed and isolating or have no energy to deal with the world. It’s just that I seem bored all the time and it leads me to bed. I could be cleaning my room or doing laundry but that’s all I can really think of besides going to bed. I do my things and go to bed. I miss socializing as much work as it is. Maybe I’ll start going back to the 20 something’s group except I can’t go this Thursday. Or to the universities Lgbt events. Right now it’s just get bored go to bed. Luckily one of my roommates was sleeping so the one that rarely comes out came out and we watched some Netflix.

Feeling self destructive

6 Apr

I’m finally feeling better at least out of the failure loop and not spending most of the day isolating, in bed, or dealing with intense emotions.  Of course now I feel like doing things that have the potential to get me back to how I was or worse.  Part of it is that I don’t feel like I deserve to be doing well.  Part of it is I am sick of dealing with this aspect of my life by just “not dealing with it.”  I know it’s the worst time of any to try, but I’m frustrated and at this point don’t care and think I deserve whatever problems come to me.  I guess I should try to stay away from making decisions right now.  We’ll see.

Rarity: Looking for support

2 Apr

It’s not often I go out of myself to seek support.  I don’t really like people knowing what’s going on with me.  I generally don’t like people who always do what I just did on Facebook but I felt desperate and nothing else seemed to be working.  So I posted on one of my personal Facebook accounts about this failure loop that’s been going on for a couple weeks.  I din’t mention how bad it was, or the suicidality along with it or anything like that.  Just toned it down looking for advice or support, not like me usually.  I got some which was nice and now I have a few affirmations I’m trying to repeat every time this loop keeps trying to get out of control to stop it.  Hopefully it will help.

In addition to that I’m having borderline symptoms I’m trying to deal with.  I am giving myself a lot of credit because considering the circumstances I think I am doing a very good job.  It’s amazing to think I have come this far.  Even two years ago I would not have been in a very bad place with rejection/abandonment feelings and suicidal and self harm stuff.  It’s not to say that it doesn’t come and go, but it’s not constant and I don’t let it live there.  I try to be realistic and move forward with my life.