Archive | March, 2018
29 Mar

I feel like I keep getting stuck in this world that is not the now, but not the future.  It is some world that does not really exist and that I do not like either.  In it I am a failure and I’d rather be dead.  I’m trying to distract as that’s the key DBT skill I’m using not to focus and retreat to this inner place but it keeps happening.  I’m at the “”Happiest place on Earth” yet the thoughts are still coming and I keep getting stuck.  I don’t know how to fix it as I don’t have a future and have no way to plan what that seems “worthy.”  I’m so behind already at 35.  I’m trying not to get down, but it’s hard not to.  I thought getting out on my own and going to college and stuff would help.  It has in a way, I’m functioning better but I’m also better able to see how far I am behind and I think see my limitations at ever catching up.

Dysphoria: one for the other

26 Mar

I’m having a rough time with hygiene lately. The sensory processing disorder is popping back up with showering issues; I had it under control and was showering regularly but not anymore. It’s a combination of water temperature and pressure and I’ve tried to alter it to no avail. Plus even when I was doing “okay” in the shower I was still having an issue with my hands getting wet.

I stopped taking baths because of the gender dysphoria I was having with seeing my body squished in the bath tub. The last few weeks I’ve been on and off at my parents and I’ve taken a few baths. I’ve noticed my legs have gotten hairer probably because of the testosterone which helps alter off some of the negative dysphoria I feel.

PTSD Wonderings

26 Mar

Sometimes the complications seem not so bad and that’s because they were years ago. And then I think do I want to chance going through that again? But am I just willing to give up sex indefinitely? The last time I went into PTSD mode was because I just had sex with this random guy who turned out to be a really bad guy and set off a lot of symptoms and triggers. I have symptoms and stuff with no sexual exposure but it’s pretty minimal unless I get stuck in a PTSD loop. The thing is I’m not in a relationship and don’t have good social/people skills. So sex again would most likely be with just some random guy. I think it might be better since I’m living as trans now and that itself takes away some of the trauma. But who knows. And it could just be another bad person.

21 Mar

It’s alone and a stressful time with finals. My roommate was playing a triggering song this afternoon. I studied for an hour and a half that’s all I could take. The voices are bothering me now. Yesternight was rough and 20 something’s friend kinda helped me through it, but it’s all coming back plus some. So over this.

NAMI Connection Groups and Counseling

18 Mar

I had two appointments on Friday, practically back to back, one at 1:30 with the therapist and then one at 3pm with my case manager.  I had talked about going to these NAMI Connection support groups in anticipation for leading my own at the college campus I go to.  The thing is I can relate to a lot of people and give suggestions or advice; like in my last blog I was talking about the PTSD and Prazosin.  I’ve also mentioned ways to cope with self-harm and voices/psychosis.  Going through this process has shown me two things.  One I had/have a huge variety of problems and two I am way better than I once was.  Of course I tend to focus on number one, but my case manger was trying to get me to focus on the second one.  She wants me to see all the progress and accomplishments I have made.  In one sense I know I’ve done a lot of work and endured a bunch of shit to get where I am today, but still I don’t acknowledge it as something I did.

Let you down by NF

16 Mar
Let You Down
by NF
Feels like we’re on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I’m proud
I’m sorry that I let you down
Let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
Yeah, I guess I’m a disappointment
Doing everything I can, I don’t wanna make you disappointed
It’s annoying
I just wanna make you feel like everything I ever did wasn’t ever tryna make an issue for you
But, I guess the more you
Thought about everything, you were never even wrong in the first place, right?
Yeah, I’ma just ignore you
Walking towards you, with my head down, lookin’ at the ground, I’m embarrassed for you
Paranoia, what did I do wrong this time? That’s parents for you
Very loyal?
Shoulda had my back, but you put a knife in it, my hands are full
What else should I carry for you?
I cared for you, but
Feels like we’re on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I’m proud
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
Yeah, you don’t wanna make this work
You just wanna make this worse
Want me to listen to you
But you don’t ever hear my words
You don’t wanna know my hurt, yet
Let me guess you want an apology, probably
How can we keep going at a rate like this?
We can’t, so I guess I’ma have to leave
Please don’t come after me
I just wanna be alone right now, I don’t really wanna think at all
Go ahead, just drink it off
Both know you’re gonna call tomorrow like nothing’s wrong
Ain’t that what you always do?
I feel like every time I talk to you, you’re in an awful mood
What else can I offer you?
There’s nothing left right now, I gave it all to you
Feels like we’re on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I’m proud
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I’m sorry that I let you down
L-l-let you down
Yeah, don’t talk down to me
That’s not gonna work now
Packed all my clothes and I moved out
I don’t even wanna go to your house
Everytime I sit on that couch
I feel like you lecture me
Eventually, I bet that we
Could have made this work and probably woulda figured things out
But I guess that I’m a letdown
But it’s cool, I checked out
Oh, you wanna be friends now?
Okay, let’s put my fake face on and pretend now
Sit around and talk about the good times
That didn’t even happen
I mean, why are you laughing?
Must have missed that joke
Let me see if I can find a reaction
No, but at least you’re happy
Feels like we’re on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I’m proud
I’m sorry that I let you down
Oh, I let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
And I wish that I could shut them out
I’m sorry that I let you down
Oh, let you down
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry now
I’m sorry
That I let you down

I’m okay now

11 Mar

I’m doing okay now.  Really good actually, the best I’ve ever done in my life.  But since the majority of my life I have not done well I always have this feeling that something bad is going to happen or some kind of dread.  Right now it’s a fear/curiosity and those two often don’t go well together.

One of my official diagnoses is PTSD, and I take Prazosin for night terrors.  I’ve started going to a support group in anticipation of leading one in a few weeks and a member was talking about blacking out and night terrors and PTSD related things.  I asked her if she’d tried Prazosin and there was a short conversation.  But it reminds me of how I can relate to so many people.  It reminds me of blacking out and forgetting things I have done.  It reminds me of the dissociating.  And with my PTSD, I’m not completely aware what the trauma is.

In my experience things that aren’t solved always come back

Exciting Opportunities, awareness and accomplishments

1 Mar

I’ve been really busy lately and that’s why you haven’t heard from me.  A few weekends ago I went to a training put on my NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness one of the largest non-profits on mental illness in the United States.  I got trained on how to lead their NAMI Connections which are support groups for people living with mental illness.  There is a hope that me and another student at my college will have one started at the college campus by next quarter.  Since I was just trained, I’ve also been attending local Connection groups to see how they are run and get ideas.

I may have mentioned earlier in my blog that I am a part of my NAMI club at the college I go to.  Last meeting and this meeting I was in charge of.  Last meeting I had a friend I meet at another NAMI event come and speak and tell her story about domestic violence, mental illness, and mexican culture.  This week I will be presenting on this years NAMI Walks and what it is and hopefully recruiting some people for my team.

With that said, people who have followed by blog for awhile know that every year I participate in NAMI Walks as a team captain and raise funds for my local NAMI chapter.  I also recruit other walkers to me team, make team t-shirts and have some sort of celebration after the walk.  To donate to my cause click the link and then the support me button.  I appreciate any amount and will update blog throughout the NAMI Walk process.

NAMI Walks Donation

Today is also Self-Injury/Self-Harm awareness day.  I have a history of self harm quitting only 3 years ago. I self harmed in various ways, with different frequencies and severities for sixteen year, in my late teens to early 30’s.  I posted this on my Facebook page as now I am open about all my mental illness history.  I didn’t get any comments but some likes and heart buttons.  I just want to break down stigma, and get it out there.  I’m also proud of myself that it has been 3 years since I have self harmed.