You don’t know me

30 Dec

The last week or so has been chaos internally.  I had started my application for Study Abroad.  I had been planning on Studying Abroad in Argentina since I started at the university last year, I would’ve spent Fall 2018 abroad.  In order to study abroad you need to be medically cleared as well as cleared by any specialists you see.  Therefore my psychiatrist had to clear me, I haven’t seen him since I started at the university because I’ve been doing so well.  I’ve needed one med change we did over messaging and the phone due to the presidency results which I think is understandable.  I never have needed additional services such as IOP, Partial, or to be hospitalized.  He said he’s talk it over with my case manager and the therapist, but he just talked to the therapist and they won’t clear me so I can’t go.  I’ve never wanted to see her in the first place, my case manager just made me when I had a real bad episode in her office before being hospitalized one day.  I don’t feel like the therapist understands me, I rarely feel better after seeing her, and we don’t real “work on” anything.  All she has been good for is resources.  And now I am pissed off about this, so I want to see if I can stop seeing her.

Enough about that so why it’s been chaos.  If you had been reading around finals time and mid December I was really suicidal.  I wasn’t sure about the future and some other things were making me suicidal.  So I set a short term goal to make me not so overwhelmed and to try and help with the suicidal thoughts as well as sort of put a safety plan in place.  Part of it was that I would wait till I got my double BA in Winter 2019, after I studies abroad.  Now with this all throwing things up in the air I got extremely suicidal again.  You may have remember I mentioned I had the two extra bottles of medication that came right after the active suicidal state ended last go around.  I’m also going to be in New York by myself for 4 days.  There was a lot of back and forth.  But in the end I decided against it.  I’m getting rid of the two extra bottles because there is too much potential problems coming up.

I’ve decided to tell my dad I’m transgender on New Years Day.  I see my case manager the next day.  The day after that I leave to New York.  It’s interesting because the people who said they’d be supportive aren’t offering explicit support that day, maybe I’m just suppose to infer it.  So of course I’m having anxiety leading up to that.  But just trying to stay busy and not go to bed until I’m super tired.

As much as I may look unstable.  Or sound so on here.  This book has been going on for 7 years and I am much better than I was then and so much more in control.  And even then I made sound decisions.

One Response to “You don’t know me”

  1. manyofus1980 January 1, 2018 at 7:42 AM #

    sorry you cant go abroad to study. that sucks. I want to wish you a happy new year and I hope 2018 is good to you. I think you made the right decision about getting rid of the extrameds.x

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