Socialness or lack there of… and an update

29 Nov

So I’ve mentioned in prior blogs my issues with social situations and how I don’t have the best social skills.  I used to be diagnosed with social anxiety and I just refused to be involved with anything unless someone I knew was there with me, and most times I just clung to them and stayed quiet.  Even though I venture out a little more, I’m still pretty awkward and have few “friends.”  I know some people and I think sometimes I’m better at holding a conversation, but it’s a lot of prep and practicing and obsessing before I try to initiate and normally people don’t just talk to me. (at least at school)  So a couple years ago I got flagged for an Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) assessment because of my sensory processing disorder and a few other things that fit on the spectrum such as my problems with balance, having one friend only and always being more by myself, being really dependent and not where I should be age wise (just moving out at 33 and learning to cook and live independently), bad eye contact, sickness as kid.  And I think that was it.  Anyways the ASD evaluation after a number of months said no because my mom did an questionnaire and apparently I was a normal baby.  I’m not so sure, also I don’t trust my mom.  But I’ll let it go because at this point in my life there is nothing they can really do for me other than giving me a label.  I’m trying to still learn stuff though and do behavioral stuff to function with less problems.  I’ve been trying new foods, where before I’d only eat at like 5 different restaurants and 5 things.  I’ve gotten better at showering, even though I’m not to soaping yet.  I haven’t really started on the washing hands.  I don’t know if there is anything I can do with my balance issues.  Eye contact is still hard, I guess I’m trying and with social situations but I feel like I’m getting no where.  Everything seems false.

As for the general update I’m trying not to worry to much about the future and the whole life worth living.  So I won’t get suicidal.  I’m trying to focus on now and what I can do, regardless of how things go with family and finances.

I still feel very alone.

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