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16 Nov

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16 Nov

I’m starting to struggle again.  It started with a panic attack Thursday night and the “hangover” effects and depression that have continued since.  I’ve been trying to sleep (mostly) or distract when I have to stay awake, or I get panicky, overwhelmed and suicidal.  It mostly has to do with the future and it’s pretty much paralyzing me in the present which is effecting my future.  I’m not sure about grad school, I have a real hard time with motivation and doing work alone.  I love the academics but can’t self-motivate or hold myself accountable very well.  Along with that is that I have signed up to take the GRE the first weekend in December and have done no studying even though I did horrible on the practice test.  I know I need to do it, but for some reason I can’t force myself to sit down and do it.  So maybe I can’t continue in school.  Am I able to work now?  I’ve done it once and the result to my mental health was detrimental.  What would I do?

I’ve finally got the okay to come out to my other family members from my mom.  She still doesn’t think it’s a good idea.  Well I’m not looking forward to it either, but I need to tell my dad and lil sis so I can be out completely and not worry about someone telling them before I do, and so I can make changes I want.  I plan on doing it after the holidays.  That’s causing some anxiety too.

I went to a name change workshop Monday, on how to legally change my name.  They walked me through it and helped me fill out the forms.  Now they are ready when I’m ready to file.

Since not doing well, I haven’t been to most my classes and things for college, like an academic advising appointment.  I spend most my time in my room in bed, usually sleeping but sometimes awake just worrying.  I don’t know what to do to get out of this episode.

I feel like after typing this just going to bed and not doing more schoolwork and trying to jam it in tomorrow or just hope for the best for the quiz. It’s 7pm.