Archive | October, 2017

Not sure I’ll sleep tonight

26 Oct

Today was my nephew’s 1st birthday, it was also the first day I got my testosterone shot.  I got it late in the day and have since had an energy drink to be able to stay up and do homework and now I feel as if I won’t sleep.  Hopefully it’s a passing feeling.  I was going to write a blog the other day about preferred names and I had it titled but never got around to writing the content.  I’ve had more than a couple situations lately where I’ve been told that they must use my name on my drivers license.  While volunteering at a local elementary school not only does it have that name on it, but my drivers license photo which is pre-transition.  It has me thinking about just legally changing the name and not the gender and getting a new drivers license and credit cards and all that.  I’m not ready to legally change my gender yet, heck I just started testosterone today.  But having people I don’t know starting to use my birth name is counter productive to what I’m trying to do.  At the school I just go by Ty and use my sunglasses to cover up the name and photo.  I’m still okay with some people still using my old name, mostly because not all family knows yet and I don’t want to be assertive cuz i lack those skills.

At different rates

18 Oct

I feel like some people I know come out as transgender and then transition so fast: get on hormones, legally change their name and gender, it’s just so fast.  With me it’s been a year already and I’m not even on testosterone yet.  I will be in less than month probably but I feel left behind or maybe not as legitimate.  I’m also not ready to legally change my name and gender, my whole family doesn’t even know I go by a different name yet.  I don’t correct people who call me by my birth name that knew me before.  It makes me second guess if this is all real.  But on the other hand I know it’s real because the dysphoria is getting more intense and while I don’t push my name and gender on people it makes me happy when people get it right, even if it’s sort of wrong.  Like in class the other day, a classmate gave me a paper with the wrong name on it, but it was a male name.  It’s just kinda frustrating transitioning at an older age, getting your BA at an older age, moving out from your parents at an older age.  I feel like I’m behind on everything but I just got to remember we all do things at different rates.

Some updates

11 Oct

We are in week 3 at school right now.  It is interesting as I feel like I live in two different worlds there is my school and trans world where I am Ty and then my home and hometown world where I am Marci.  I sometimes forget where I am and just default to Marci, this happened at a college placement last night, where I had to scratch out my name and initials and redo them.  The school has my name as Ty and I probably wouldn’t get my volunteering hours.  I’m not sure how much longer I will have to keep this separate, my mom doesn’t want me to tell my dad until at least next year.  I don’t think I can go much longer than that.

I just started using male pronouns.   It’s similar to when I changed my preferred name, I hear it and it takes awhile for it to click in my brain that they are talking about me.  I hope I get better at recognizing it and getting used to it, like I have with the name.  I still sometimes don’t respond to my preferred name though.  My reasoning for using male pronouns is strange- it is that I don’t like female pronouns or being identified as female.  Hardly anyone does third person pronouns (they, them) so it’s the choice left over.

Things are going good.

Pissed. Rant over

2 Oct

I’m so mad right now, and mad is a very censored way of saying how I feel.  A mass shooting happened in Las Vegas last night and the voices love mass shootings.  When I found out about it, I immediately tried to stay away from the news and let the voices know it wouldn’t interest them as it wasn’t their usual focal points: family oriented, on a school campus, or targeted towards the LGBT community.  That got me through class, until they found out how many people were killed then all games were off.  Luckily I only had one class, so I went home and took 1/2 a Latuda and a Valium hoping to nip this in the bud.  After a 4 hr twilight slumber/episode I goy up and attempted to start my day.  I did some reading that took longer than usual because of foggy- headiness that comes with the drugged feeling.  I did 1/2 of it with the intention of doing the rest in the morning.  I went to take my nighttime meds and lo and behold.  I hadn’t taken my morning meds or last nights meds.  I’m so pissed, if I had remembered my meds I may not have had an episode that caused for emergency meds.  And the reason I miss my meds is because of long term memory loss side effects of ECT treatments which were for my mental illness.  This thing just feeds upon itself.  Rant over.

MIAW 2017

1 Oct

Today’s the first day of Mental Illness Awareness Week.  I posted a quick thing on one of my FB pages and should probably on my older more popular one, but we’ll see.  It was the juvenile diabetes walk today so I saw high school friend and that crowd.  I was talking with one friend out of that crowd about what specifically schizoaffective disorder is and what makes is different from schizophrenia and what makes it different from mood disorders.  She also asked me how I was doing since I transferred to the university and I was honest about the couple of psychotic episodes, but not enough to get hospitalized we just managed with increasing medication.  It’s refreshing being able to be so open now and not feeling like I have to hide what is such a big part of my life.

And then at ice cream later with some planner friends, I mentioned being exempt from jury duty for life.  I wasn’t as comfortable as saying my psychiatrist wrote the note, but that a note had written every year since I was eligible and he keeps writing me out and now exerted me for life.