Archive | September, 2017

Dysphoria- bodies and other weird shit

25 Sep

I feel like I have 3 bodies. My girl body, boy body, and in between body. I can’t access the boy one because of the weight, my pain, and current binders, and I just only sometimes pass to myself which I guess is a start. My inbetween is where I can stay at if I do gender to be trans but when feeling depressed and lying around the house a lot like I am right now I’m not doing anything. So here I am stuck in the girl body and today and last night I was having PTSD flashbacks. I almost wonder if they only happen then because I never recall them happening when I’m confident and feel right it may just be coorolaration though. Almost makes me wonder if it’s worth going inbetween to stop these flashbacks. 

Update 9/7/17

7 Sep

Things have been so -so the last week, before that it was chaos.  The back 2s (voices) came back for a go.  I was having flashback symptoms.  Bad dreams.  And mood swings like nothing.

I’m still having bad dreams but their not trans related more abandonment related and BPD stuff.  My mood has stabilized out and my case manager is probably right it was missing my hormones for 2 days (4 doses).  The flashbacks are less frequent but there still there.  The other night it was bad enough I had to take my bracelets and fitbit off.  The voices subsided, not sure why or what not but I’m just glad.

20 somethings friend is coming to visit in less than a week so I’m excited about that.  It turns out with my fall schedule I can still help babysit my nephew on Mondays like I’ve been doing this summer, so I’m excited about that.

GRE bootcamp has started and it’s a lot of work.  I’m now glad I have a 1/2 day tomorrow because I have an appointment with my case manager.  Next week I’ll be taking a friend from gender group to SF for an appt so I’ll do a 1/2 day or take the full day off, so looking forward to another break again.