Archive | April, 2017

Fuck I guess you were right

30 Apr

Judging by the last week I’m not stable enough to start hormone therapy, testosterone.  Seriously looking at my mood and how minor events effect it made me realize that they were right as much as I wish it wasn’t true.  Part of it’s frustrating as I don’t have the support to process all the shit going on right now so that’s why I’m having my mood so effected by things.  And that isn’t changing any time soon.  ūüė¶  so it’s up to me to learn to cope if I want to “be stable” enough to start hormone therapy.   Time to dust off the DBT skills binder.

Plan B

25 Apr

I was going to go to the hospital this week. ¬†I honestly can’t take life anymore and am only somewhat concerned I’ll make an attempt. ¬†I wrote my case manager a message to get an appointment this week with the intent to tell her to hospitalize me, but she didn’t have an available appointment till late Thursday. ¬†And I don’t take myself to the ER, or call 911. ¬†I don’t want to go in over the weekend and I have my NAMI Walk coming up and the t-shirt decorating party is Saturday night. ¬†I’m just trying to make plans to stay out of bed and stay safe and stuff. ¬†Around people somewhat but try less stress too. ¬†I didn’t go to class monday, but I’m taking a roommate to school the rest of the days except Friday so that will get me up and going to school. ¬†I will see my case manager Thursday. ¬†I had peer to peer tonight and I have it thursday. ¬†Wednesday we are having a 6 month birthday party for my nephew. ¬†I wish I was excited and it all mattered. ¬†All it is, is a plan till things matter again I hope so soon.

18 Apr

I’ve been feeling so sad. ¬†Just want to give up. ¬†Feeling like I’m alone in this world and try as I might I can’t find friends and there is nobody like me. ¬†T camp was an epic failure that is making me doubt wanting to go to gender group now. ¬†I’m even more suicidal and I’m wondering if I don’t get that referral before my next appointment with the therapist if i will make a serious attempt. ¬†I feel not long for the world, if this is going to be my world.

If life were a structured group or class

14 Apr

I’d be happier and less lonely (maybe)

TG#2 and Sexuality

13 Apr

As I have more dysphoria with certain female sexual body parts I’m finding myself less sexually attracted to females and less interested in those body parts as well. ¬†I wonder if this is a thing. ¬†I still consider myself on the asexual spectrum, it’s just when the desires or whatever come they are towards the male gender now. (for the most part). ¬†I still consider myself bi-romantic. ¬†Mostly because that’s a demi thing for me and it can go either way. ¬†Things are so complicated.

More on Autism

11 Apr

So I’ve mentioned before that both my case manager and the therapist wanted to have me evaluated to see if I fell on the Autistic Spectrum. ¬†This was due to a variety of issues including my Sensory Processing Disorder, issues with eye contact, problems with socializing, and falling a lot. ¬†With Kaiser’s evaluation system that took like 3 months to go through I was found not to have an ASD because I did not present symptoms as an infant, though I met enough criteria currently and had since a child. ¬†This has been upsetting me a lot. ¬†Transferring to UC Davis, I still haven’t made any connections and while I don’t need to have a lot of friends and to be honest am not interested in having a lot of friends, I would like to have one or two. ¬†I never seem to say the right thing and I can’t figure out people. ¬†My case manager went to a training about a week ago now and she said a lot of females on the spectrum are misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar because Autism is about not being able to control your emotions. ¬†I have both. ¬†She said if it’s any something she thinks I’m somewhere on the spectrum and that they need to train Kaiser doctors better.

I know several autistic young adults.  I found this on the internet the other day:

What do you think the most common cause of premature death is among adults of typical or high intelligence with autism spectrum disorders? It’s suicide.

A large study was recently published in the British Journal of Psychiatry that examined the risk of death among the 27,122 persons diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders in Sweden when compared to age-matched controls. One significant finding from the study is that on average, persons with autism die sixteen years sooner than would be anticipated.  The finding we’ll examine more closely is that adults with autism and no intellectual disability are over nine times more likely to commit suicide when compared to their age-matched peers. Unlike the general population, in which men are significantly more likely to commit suicide than women, women with autism were at higher risk of suicide in this study than men.

Last month’s study isn’t the only signal that persons with autism are especially vulnerable to suicide.

  • A¬†study of 10-14 year-olds with autism¬†reported that 70% of kids with autism also had at least one mental health disorder such as anxiety, ADHD or depression, and 41% had¬†at least two¬†comorbid mental health disorders. Of those with ADHD, 84% received a second comorbid diagnosis.
  • Kids with autism were¬†28 times more likely to experience suicidal ideation¬†than age-matched peers without autism¬†in this study.
  • In a¬†study of 374 adults with Asperger‚Äôs Disorder,¬†66% of 367 respondents self-reported suicidal ideation, 127 (35%) of 365 respondents self-reported plans or attempts at suicide, and 116 (31%) of 368 respondents self-reported depression. Adults with Asperger‚Äôs syndrome were nearly ten times as likely to report lifetime experience of suicidal ideation than individuals from a general UK population sample, and more prone to suicidal ideation than people with one, two, or more medical illnesses, or people with psychotic illness.

Why might suicide represent such an enormous problem among high-functioning persons with autism spectrum disorders?

They’re more likely to experience social isolation and lack social supports. In the fall of 2014, we shared this anonymous post from a college student describing her experience of trying to attend church as a person with autism. Imagine how the challenges she describes would impact her day to day life outside of church.

High-functioning kids with autism are significantly more likely to become victims of bullying when compared to their peers with autism and intellectual disability. It’s become socially inappropriate to ridicule persons with an obvious disability…less so when the disability isn’t so obvious.

They’re more likely to experience difficulties with executive functioning that may translate into a greater risk of acting upon suicidal impulses, more difficulty employing effective problem-solving skills and more difficulty self-regulating emotions. Learn more here about the challenges persons face with executive functioning challenges.

Their propensity to become very fixated on specific thoughts or ideas may intensify suicidal thoughts, or result in more difficulty letting go of feelings of hopelessness when they occur.

PS I’ve been more suicidal with less friendship and more lonely lately.

It’s time for an update

4 Apr

A lot has gone on since the last update. ¬†I have decided to change from identifying as gender variant to gender queer, as I learn more about the community and more about what terms mean I learn more where I fit. ¬†Since my sexuality is no where near heterosexual and is shifting with my gender identity as well as still staying somewhat on the asexual spectrum, I decided to go with gender queer. ¬† I talked to the therapist yesterday AGAIN about being referred to the gender specialist and I think it’s finally going to happen! ¬†At least she thinks I’m stable enough. ¬†I’m not going to mention the last bout with the voices to the therapist or my case manager for a couple weeks, just in case.

I plan on getting my hair cut to look more masculine and also because it gets super hot here in California in the summer, and it’s already starting to warm up. ¬†My roommates don’t keep the apartment as cool as my parents kept the house and next year it will be harder as we will be paying utilities. ¬†I know people will have a problem with my hair cut, but I hope they will adjust.

I got accepted to go to T-Camp which is a retreat for people under the Trans umbrella at colleges in northern California; it’s two days and coming up next weekend. ¬†I’m not sure what to expect but I’m excited I got accepted.

I’m also starting NAMI’s Peer to Peer class in mid April and I’ve been trying to get into that for like 2 years. ¬†It’s either been in the wrong county or interfered with my school schedule. ¬†It’s 10 sessions, twice a week.

So lots of exciting things coming up!