Coming into a notoriously rough month for me. Last therapy and counseling session have just been emotional and I don’t usually get emotional with the therapist because I don’t trust her. Yesterday I saw her. I was so tired, comes with the depression, and maybe the wear off of the weeekend hypomanic episode. I slept all but 3 hours of classes, an hour of therapy, an hour and a half of driving, about 45 mins of dinner, and 45 mins waiting for dinner. I’m not getting school work done, I’m not getting anything done. I haven’t been taking my medication as prescribed because I don’t have the energy to load my pill chart and/or sleep through doses. I didn’t even talk about the referral to the gender specialist yesterday. I did mention the bottom dysphoria from last week and that I went to a Trans rally over the weekend because the whole bathroom thing. Mostly we talked about my social situation, not having friends. Not being able to make friends and not really having social skills I talked about this with my case manager last week too. It’s really getting to me. I guess I’m getting closer to my planner friends but I really only see them once a month, thinking about joining their chat next month- when school calms down. I’m failing a class, and I care but I don’t again depression, I doubt I can pull off a passing grade but I’m thankful 20 somethings friend and my sister talked me into changing it into a Pass No Pass grading system. I’m taking 19 units on the quarter system right now which is a lot of classes. That’s all for now.
A lot has happened since I last posted but I’m trying to put that behind me and move on, maybe a retroactive update later
Today the gender dysphoria was strong. I looked in the mirror and I immediately had to look away. I got dressed in the corner so the walls couldn’t see me. The gender dysphoria that usually goes with my breasts was combined with the body dysphoria that I get with my weight sometime. However this is the first time I had gender dysphoria for my bottom half. It was strange. That’s why while I don’t fully identify as trans I want to leave my options open. I feel like I’ve lived in a certain environment where certain things weren’t even allowed to be thought about until now.
I feel life going and it’s just kinda going in circles, sometimes I think I am making progress and then something happens and I think the progress that I made, I didn’t make. I changed my Greek to a Pass-No Pass status which was a good thing because I failed the Midterm. I don’t think I have ever failed anything I have ever tried in my life before, granted I didn’t try as hard as I could. I’m still okay with it though because I got a zero on a part that I didn’t have any idea on so when I subtracted that out I didn’t do that bad. Maybe I’m just rationalizing it, I don’t know. I can’t drop the class, so I just need to pass it. Things are still real difficult on the social front and it’s getting harder to pretend it just doesn’t bother me. I’m okay with a lot of time alone and my family lives close by so thats okay. But it’s just frustrating trying and failing, even though I know I’m not good at this. Like the people say their the ones missing out but when I don’t see myself that way then, I just see myself lacking.
It’s been one of those days, one of those weeks. Where I’m frustrated that I don’t have an ASD diagnosis because I didn’t fit the criteria as a kid. It’s been fucking with my functioning this week. I’ve messed up a few social cues. And I’m curious. I have some Aspergers followers out there or people on the Spectrum that “cope” and appear normal enough. I don’t mean this to come off rude, I know they took aspergers out of the DSM5 thats why I want to cover aspergers and the spectrum but I’m mostly referring to more of the higher functioning people who for lack of a better word pass as normal most time.
That’s me. And I know the goal after you get an ASD diagnosis is therapy to help cope with daily living and be able to live productively, get social skills, don’t have meltdowns, learn to deal with sensory issues, etc. etc. I just don’t understand that if I was forced to do this as a kid because of a chaotic home environment how I can’t have the diagnosis. I essentially learned most the skills they try to teach out of necessity. Now on my own, I’ve regressed a bit plus I’m managing a bunch of other shit so honestly I don’t have the energy for all that normative passing stuff. But I’m still upset that the doctor won’t give me the diagnosis because as a child I didn’t meet the criteria till i was 11 or so.
I feel like a failure and if you don’t know me, you might think I am one, heck you might think I am one if you do know me. I’m having a hard time with my classes, for the first time in my life. I’m trying to work on transitioning within a medical establishment that maintains I must stay mentally stable under a presidency that guarantees I stress out about my rights and fear about even being able to transition if I ever get stable. And roundy round goes the pattern. I missed school again today, I managed to do some homework- but feel paralyzed right now. I need to unfreeze but I don’t know how and assignments are due tomorrow, more quizzes and my first midterm Friday.
I don’t fail, or do I?