You can call it emotional, I’ll call it wise

18 Jan

I’m overwhelmed.  I did it to myself and I’m not surprised, but I also think I can stick it out and enjoy it while not stressing out what everyone else thinks.  Along with that I ran into some unexpected financial issues because I just realized I spent all my checking account that’s in the bank.  That’s okay because I have money that’s not in the bank; yes, I’m one of these people.  But really how did I spend over $2,000?  Anyways, now this weekend I got to go home to put money in the bank so I can pay my credit card and I was trying not to go home this weekend because I feel like I am drowning at school.  Monday I see the therapist so maybe on the way to the therapist’s office; since I’ll be close to home.  I got so overwhelmed with this financial stuff and how I am just not succeeding at life that I took one of my valium to just go to sleep and not deal with it for awhile, I set my alarm for 4pm.  I had a support group at 5pm.  My psychiatrist would be disappointed in me, maybe the therapist but not my case manager.  I could of took all 4 valium (all I had) or them plus all my other pills (yes I considered it for a quick sec.)  I could of told myself to time for rest like I have in the past and self harmed to have the energy to write the paper that’s due tonight and probably fake okay to the group I never ended up going to.  The weather is super rainy stormy in California; what we need after our years of Drought but I’m not in the mood to get real clothes on and then rain clothes just to go out for 2 hours when I don’t really feel like socializing.  I still didn’t manage crying- the tears are locked somewhere- within the resolute “I can do this, this is nothing” facade.  I imagine I made right the choice, no mater what it was the choice I made, off to do homework.

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