26 May

I don’t fit in boxes, and not fitting in really upsets me sometimes.  Other times I really appreciate my uniqueness and how there is no one like me.  The last few days have been the upsetting kind, especially in regards to gender identity.  Today I saw my case manager and I was venting about how I don’t fit in anywhere, we talked about how I have a PTSD diagnosis because I have symptoms but the trauma is unknown, I have sensory processing disorder but wasn’t diagnosed until a little over a year ago and with no autistic spectrum disorder until well maybe now that we are in the middle of getting me evaluated.  That with sexuality it’s been clear I’m not straight and now with me thinking more towards asexual.  And being schizoaffective which is a lesser known disorder and not as common and not just bipolar or schizophrenia but both, or at least aspects of both.  Sometimes it just feels like I got the shit stick of the end in everything and I want to scream or cry or both.

But I’m over that right now.  I am who I am, I may not fully understand it or even know entirely what that is know but when it’s important I’ll know.  And when it’s important to me I’ll start taking actions towards things.  Things swirl and won’t go away, people can’t make them go away.  When I’m ready I can begin doing things but I don’t have to force it in boxes either.  Because some of this stuff refuses to stay in boxes anymore.  I don’t really know how to explain how I don’t like being a girl…  This I must think about.

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