Gender identity has still been swirling round in my head and it won’t slow down. I even went to look at our local Gender a health Center’s website today. Thinking about setting up an appointment to talk to a counselor there. You may ask “Marci, Why would you do that? You already have a case manager and a therapist!” Yes, I do and I saw the therapist yesterday and I didn’t bring it up much because I didn’t think we had enough time to talk and I knew it’d just leave a big puzzle till next month. I’ve brought it up a little with my case manager and I think she thinks it’s me who doesn’t want to talk about it. I just think she doesn’t have any knowledge in it. That’s why I was looking at the gender health center. I guess I’ll ask her tomorrow at our appointment.
Anyways. There were some intake forms so I printed them out and began to fill them out. I also talked a little bit to my trans blogger friend. I don’t think I’m cisgender but I don’t think I’m transgender either. I guess that leaves gender queer which I don’t like the term. I really want my breasts gone or reduced but then what happens if people start referring to me as male? I’m already not that girly. I thought I’d be okay with it, until the person on Facebook used the male possessive pronoun (his) based only off looking at a picture of me.
Filling out the forms I’ve also realized this is something that has gone back to puberty, which is 15+ years. People say I have time and I understand that. And I deinetly don’t want to make rash decisions. But this isn’t something new that just came up. And now that I’ll be living out on my own I feel like I have more sovereignty over my body so I can make more decisions or at least explore what I’d like to do.
I’m also not clear on my sexuality and as I’m getting older I think I need to be clear where I stand if it’s true that I don’t need a partner than that’s fine but if it’s just some stage right now. I’m going to be pissed when I’m 40 and trying to find someone to settle down with. It’s true I’m happy how I am right now for the most part, I feel satisfied. It just seems strange. Like is this really a thing?