Two weeks ago I went to Decision Day at UC Davis at their LGBT Center on campus they have Crafternoons every Friday afternoon which happened to be what day Decision Day fell on. The girl who was kind of organizing the art table and the event just gave me a piece of paper and said that it was to make a statement about your identity. The first thing I thought about was that it’s complicated. I’m 33 years old and I’m still not sure where I stand. Some where between asexual and gray-sexual I guess. And when I am attracted it is to women only.
And now I am beginning to struggle with how I see myself. I use to have real problems with self image and for a little bit I wondered if I was meant to be a boy and thought being a boy would be so much easier, this was in my mid 20s. I had no exposure to the LGBT community and didn’t even know there was such a thing as trans* I’ve been thinking about how I identify and how I want others to see me, I’ve ruled out trans* and began to think maybe more on the non-binary side. I like my hair long but for the most part can’t stand wearing make up or a skirt/dress. Since my teenage years I’ve hated my breasts and wanted them removed, and wearing a bra reminds me that they are there. I don’t talk about it much because I already have enough weirdness about me. I also take birth control and use to take it continuously where I had to period, for mental health reasons. I stopped this because there would be break through bleeding that would happen and stay for like a month and my case manager said it probably wasn’t helpful and might be contributing to my desire to cut when I feel like I need to “bleed out.” I’ve now started taking birth control the prescribed way but still rarely get my period and when I do it’s so light I don’t even need to wear feminine hygiene products. I’m sure somethings wrong, but I don’t want to, will not be having kids. And menstruating just reminds me I’m a girl.
So I thought I’d be pretty comfortable non-binary. Then on Facebook the other day there is a picture of me in shorts and a t-shirt and a hat at Decision Day. And a new friend from UC Davis, after I offered to drive to an event put Marci can fit 3 people in his car. And it kind of bothered me. So maybe I’m not as comfortable as I thought. When we go around group I still use female personal pronouns- we have no gender neutral ones in the US.