Ah-ha moments and reflections

11 Jan

I don’t make friends easily. I don’t put down my walls often. I have trust issues. I’m a loner who desires to have those 1-3 close relationships. It’s sometimes hard to decipher who I am. I have a lot of components that are aspects or effects of mental illness, not all are bad. I’m quiet and afraid to talk to others, but have a lot to say. I’m okay just having down alone time but for some reason it’s only when I want to have it. If I’m desiring to connect with someone and have to be alone it’s treacherous. Sometimes I’m super over sensitive and other times deliberate hurtful things don’t phase me. I try to live in the moment but it’s often to painful, ruminating about the past or anxiously thinking about the future is not helpful. I have trouble “thinking positive” and get angry when people tell me to, when I’m already upset. But I’m not incapable of thinking positive, I just think sometimes it’s a BS statement that invalidates what is going on right now. So many people think I have an incredible intelligence, but mostly I feel like a fraud because for the most part I don’t put any energy in being smart. People say I discount the positive and make excuses or critical comments in response to compliments. This was how I was raised. I do have pride in things, but they are things I rarely mention. Because most people think there is nothing noteworthy about getting out of bed. People don’t understand how hard it can be to coexist with voices sometimes. I cope, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy and it bothers me that people take things like that for granted. I could embrace my inner crazy. I truly believe I’m capable of just about anything. But I settle for mostly normal nice person and get frustrated when it doesn’t get me places. I could be whoever I wanted and I’m sure there are a couple people that wouldn’t walk out of my life no matter what I did. But I want to be my best, not for myself like I should but for others I care about. Maybe I’ll get there someday where I can love myself, hell a couple years ago I thought love was a sham and a lie. People change. I change. I hope it’s been for the better.

One Response to “Ah-ha moments and reflections”

  1. manyofus1980 January 14, 2016 at 11:35 AM #

    Very well said Marcie! You do have great intelligence. And pride in so many things. I am really proud to know you. XX

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