Archive | 10:29 PM

So what exactly do you mean by “fear of abandonment?”

30 Dec

One of the key components to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a fear of real or imagined abandonment. But what does that really mean? For me, it’s a fear of a person leaving me. 

It can be an emotional abandonment as in they’re not there when I need them or they find out how “I really am” and won’t be my friend anymore. 

It’s reading into what people say because you’re so hyper-focused on trying to figure out when and why they are leaving you. Sometimes to try and stop it from happening, “frantic efforts.”  And other times to leave them first before they can leave you. 

It’s jumping to the conclusion that my case manager is going to stop seeing me, each time an appointment is canceled. Or that she’s going to quit or die, which oddly seem the same to me as stop seeing me. I see it as the same result. 

It’s anytime I don’t hear from someone, when I normally do and I panic. 

It’s the fear of people moving on without you.

 It’s any time your social circle or support system changes.

 It’s not wanting to get close to people because everyone leaves anyways.

 Many times it’s based on prior experience. 

Back to the Prompts Day 1

30 Dec

prompt

Day 1: Write some basic things about yourself…

  • I’m 33 years old, but don’t act like it.
  • I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and pale skin that burns easily
  • I’m the shortest one in my family 5’6″ but a pretty normal height for a girl
  • I’ve gained a lot of weight in the last year due to new psych meds, but they work so well I have to take the good with the bad.
  • I’ve had to start exercising because of the weight gain and I HATE exercising
  • I don’t consider myself a woman or a lesbian, I like the terms girl and gay.  Words and labels are very important to me.
  • I have a lot of quirks and sometimes they are indistinguishable from my mental illnesses.
  • I’m single and don’t like it, but my social anxiety makes it really hard to put myself out there.
  • I’ve had this blog for 5 years and somewhere like 3,000 posts.
  • I enjoy scrapbooking, SMASHing, creative journaling and pretty much anything crafty.
  • 3 words that describe me most: complicated, thoughtful, kind
  • This is the first time (the year 2015) that I haven’t had a psych hospitalization in 10 years

Trying

30 Dec

I woke up pretty early because I went to bed early last night.  I hate days where I don’t have anything to do or just don’t actually end up doing anything.  As soon as I got up my mom told me my counseling appointment had been canceled.  My first reaction was to go back to bed, an imminent sign that today was going to be bad again.  I only laid in bed for about 5 minutes before I got up and told myself I was going to try and have a good day.  I ate breakfast and made some cinnamon rolls, my way of self-soothing.  I distracted for a little while playing all my lives in Candy Crush.  After writing this I’m going to go take a bath or work on my SMASH book, self-care and more distracting.  I need to stay away from the news today, there are too many triggering stories.  My mind has already gone a little wild catastrophizing why my case manager had to cancel my appointment.  I’m trying to recognize this as a cognitive distortion and distract myself so I don’t keep coming back to it.  I’m going to text 20 somethings friend when it gets a little later in the morning, I don’t want to wake him up, and try to plan some purposeful pleasure.   It’s a day for a lot of DBT skills.