Archive | 3:06 PM

A question…

24 Dec

I don’t dream very often but when I do it’s very common to have dreams of being hospitalized, in asylum, or institutionalized.  Sometimes they are upsetting… like my facilities have deteriorated so much I barely recognize it’s me, or watching other people take care of me as I web in and out of psychosis.

Anyone else experience this?


I wonder if I’ll ever get attachment right

24 Dec

I have done a number of posts on attachment in the past.  A recent post by a blogger about insecure-resistant attachment style and another about codependency had me thinking about the complex way I attach, avoid, and push people away.  Anyone who knows attachment theory, I would say I am a disorganized style which pretty much alternates between insecure-resistant (also called insecure-ambivalent) and insecure-avoidant.  Insecure-resistant is being clingy and needy but then people come back after leaving or perceived unattachment you show anger and resentment even if you are somewhat happy they are back and want the comforting.  Insecure-avoidant you don’t really attach to the mother and when they leave and come back you continue the disinterest.  BTW: all this research was done with kid-mother-stranger interactions.  Even with people generally I don’t get too attached to anyone and when they go I don’t have such a reaction, this was more so as a teenager but I still fall into it.  I still see this happening with me when people want to have an attachment to me but I don’t seem it worthy so I don’t attach and when they get frustrated or bored I’m not distressed  about the “friendship” ending because in my mind it was never really a true friendship.

I’ve struggled with codependency mostly within the family and with my sister.  I was often the one being rescued at least in the relationship with my sister.  The time period is so fuzzy, I’m not sure if I reinforced her codependent behavior but I know I was upset when she tried to seek counseling for it.  Because she was one of the few people I “counted on.”  I also know in my teen angst I did a lot of insecure-resistant with her.  I was reading about the codependency and how it is counting on one person to rescue you or make you feel better.  I was a little frustrated because I was insecure-avoidant for so long and didn’t want to others to help me and I wouldn’t let them in.  My case manager mentioned how I need to let some people help me and increase my support system.  I have like 3 people now and they all probably think I have codependent relationships with them or at least borderline codependent with them.  I do go to great lengths though to not rely on others for help and when I do need help sometimes it goes so wrong when I’m trying to get support.

I wonder if I’ll ever get attachment right.